Webster's Is My Bitch

Ever wonder what your Third Date Flick says about the path of your relationship? Well feel free to check this bitch out! (Pajiba)

Wanna keep people from speeding? Well, why not throw a bunch of life-size cardboard cut-outs of Brad Pitt all over the place? (Agent Bedhead)

Lindsay Lohan is being a slut? Huh, must be Thursday again... (Yeeeah!)

Are Megan Fox and Zac Efron dating? I don't know, but the sex would probably be like smashing a Barbie against a Ken Doll while making kissy noises. (BricksAndStones)

Awww, Hayden Pannettiere is single...again. I guess her ex wasn't a big fan of misspelled tattoos and long-ass last names. (The Blemish)

Because you can never have enough Neil Patrick Harris, it looks like he'll be the host for The Emmy Awards. *Swoon* (Seriously? OMG!)

What's more awkward than rekindling a relationship with your ex-boyfriend? How about having your ex's family using you to further their son's career? Classy. (Celebitchy)

David Beckham and Tits McGee have joined forces to sell Calvin Klein underwear. Spiffy! (POTP)

Who's a bigger celebritard? Mariah Carey or J.Lo? Personally, I'm siding with Mariah. Girl couldn't rub two brain cells together to light a match. (College Candy)

Remember how Hayden Panettiere got that tattoo on her back that was totally spelled wrong? Well, just so you know she's aware of it and she doesn't care. In fact, maybe she even did it on purpose! So there! (She didn't.)

She says, "It is misspelled, whatever, I just put my own spin to it. Chances are I'll probably get it fixed, but that's why I love having it on my back because I don't get bored of it. I don't have to stare at it all the time, but then you have it on your back and you don't realize that it's misspelled either! (Source)

So basically, it doesn't matter if it's wrong because she can't see it. Funny, that's also pretty much the same argument people have in support of almost any kind of the Earth's pollution. That's the great thing about ignorance, though. It's just such a universal concept.

Jessica Simpson sang the National Anthem at the AT&T National Golf Tour in Bethesda, Maryland yesterday in a skintight dress with horizontal stripes. Jesus, why does she keep doing this to herself? It's like she's trying to make the cover of Us Weekly again. I think at this point at only fashion faux pas for short, curvy girls she has left to try is to literally wear a dress made out of bacon. Although that's find of an "everyone" faux pas, outside of trade show models at the National Pork Producers Convention.

Following Heidi Montag's deranged twitters earlier this week, Heidi and Spencer went on conspiracy theorist/right-wing nutjob Alex Jones' radio show earlier this week (listen above) to discuss the issues going on today. You know, "the issues."  Like how 9/11 was an inside job, global warming is a hoax and how birth control is "morally corrupting" society:

"I feel like God was telling me that this was something just created by the government that is really bad for my body, and I was just getting sick," she says. "I researched it, and one of the founding people who invented birth control said it was the worst thing they had ever done, they wished they'd never created it, how it morally corrupted society, it's just sickening to him. How it devalues women, how it causes depression, how it can cause cancer, how it sterilizes your body, and what it does to your body, how most women are suicidal sometimes on it."

Another topic? Human microchip implantation, which would eliminate the need for credit cards and identification:

"This is very serious. It says in the Bible this is the mark of the beast, and that is a sign of worshipping the Devil. So over my dead body would I ever get a chip in my body," she says. "My body belongs to Jesus Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus, and I will speak out to Christians....this chip is the end of humanity." (Source)

Wait, so Heidi Montag thinks that getting a chip implanted so you can pay for gas at the pump by swiping your hand is the work of the Devil, but getting giant silicone bags shoved in your tits so you can flaunt them naked in Playboy is God's will? I'm not sure which version of the Bible it is that Heidi's been reading, but I'm starting to strongly suspect that she may have accidentally gotten her hands on a copy that was written by The Onion
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The Jonas family has happily announced that the eldest Jonas Brother, Kevin, 22, is now engaged to his previously unknown girlfriend, Danielle Deleasa, 21, pictured here.

He surprised Deleasa, a former hairdresser, with a cushion-cut diamond ring he codesigned with Jacob & Co. by showing up at her New Jersey home this morning.

In 2008, Kevin told Details he was waiting until marriage to have sex, and wearing a promise ring from Tiffany's in the meantime. (Source)

No offense, (and when I say "no offense" I almost definitely mean what I'm about to say will be offensive) but when I first looked at the picture of this chick I thought to myself: "kinda looks like Jersey trash." And that was before the part I read that she was actually a hairdresser from New Jersey. So basically, Kevin Jonas is throwing his whole life away so he can have sex with a New Jersey hairdresser. Wow, who says Christians are dumb? If I was forced to marry the first piece of ass I slept with I would have shot myself in the face twenty times by now. Yeah, I don't understand the logistics of how that would work either, but that's probably what it would have felt like anyway.

Here are the 12 Best Movies You've Never Seen, possibly because you were too busy watching Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen...IN MY PANTS! (Pajiba)

As if you need another reason to go see I Love You, Beth Cooper, Hayden Pannehowthefuckdoyouspellhername has a nude scene in it. Spiffy! (Yeeeah!)

Joe Jackson is a lovely, lovely human being. And by "lovely", I mean "I hope he dies of Syphilis". (Celebslam)

Beyonce Knowles is launching a line of junior apparel called Sasha Fierce. Just in case you forgot she has Multiple Personality Disorder. (Celebitchy)

Did Lindsay Lohan's Twitter get cracked? Or was Lindsay the one who was (ahem) cracked? (Lainey Goss)

Meghan McCain thinks her book is like a cross between "Primary Colours" and Tori Spelling's "Stori Telling". Ummmm...Why would you think that's a good thing? (The Blemish)

Here's a first look at the Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel trailer. There is no God. (Seriously? OMG!)

Twelve Michael Jackson fans have commited suicide due to his death. I know it's sad and all, but come on... (HollyWire)

Yeeesh...Looks like Mischa Barton woke up on the wrong side of the dumpster. Take a fucking shower! (CelebSmack)

Here's Leighton Meester on the set of Gossip Girl. (usemycomputer)

Ever wanted to know what Amy Winehouse would look like if she was made out of Lego? No? Well too bad, you're about to find out. (popbytes)

Remember how everyone thought Bradley Cooper was banging Jennifer Aniston? Well, as it turns out, he's currently giving it to Renee Zellweger. Seriously. I guess pretty yet mind-numbingly boring women gets him all happy in the pants or something.

Bradley Cooper has silenced reports he's dating Jennifer Aniston after stepping out with Renee Zellweger for a romantic dinner date in New York.

The Hangover actor has repeatedly denied rumours his relationship with his He's Just Not That Into You co-star Aniston is anything more than platonic, insisting they are really "just friends", despite being snapped dining out together in June. (Source)

Ouch, poor Jennifer Aniston. The girl just can't catch a break, can she? Well, if it's any consolation to her, Bradley Cooper, though insanely hot, is really just a budget-version Matthew McConaughey. And I mean really...If he's willing to bone Renee "Lemonface" Zellweger on a regular basis, he's probably not that bright, is he? Precisely.

Here's Bradley at The Cinema Society and Details Screening of The Hangover:

God I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Like, really really REALLY hate her. She's the kind of girl who probably thinks her farts smell like sunshine and rainbows when in reality they smell like poo and despair. Anyway, she took time out from taking a gigantic GOOP on us to explain why America is such a festering shithole.

"It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible," she tells the Associated Press.

"Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more," she continued. "They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their BlackBerry on." (Source)

You've gotta be kidding me...This coming from the woman who made Shallow Hal and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? Fuck off. You're ten times as shallow and vapid as anyone else in America. I've seen puddles with more depth than you. Get your head out of your ass next time you want to bad mouth people for doing their jobs, you holier-than-thou bitch.

Here's Frosty the Snowskank at the premiere of Valentino:

Get ready to start giving two shits about Ugly Betty again: Gay Porn Honcho Michael Lucas is set to have a walk-on role on the show after dropping a shit-ton of money for the Stonewall Community Foundation.

Watch out Wilhelmina! Porn mogul Michael Lucas has a walk-on role in an upcoming episode of ABC's hit show Ugly Betty, which he won through a charity auction held by the Stonewall Community Foundation. Says Lucas, "I paid $18,000.00 for the opportunity, and this is a chance for adult stars to step out of their box. My appearance will also show American audiences that there is no reason a porn star can’t appear on national television." It looks like this hit show may get a bit steamy this season. (Source)

Holy shit...$18,000 for a show no one even watches anymore? Yeesh. I know it's for charity and all, but you could pretty much build a Scrooge McDuck money pool with that kind of cash. Yowza. Anyways, while you're down there, think you can convince the hacks at ABC to bring back Pushing Daisies? Juuuuust puttin' that out there.

Here's some more of Captain Cheekbones for ya. Hope you like abs!

The Jonas Brothers are avoiding an unspecified hotel in London after they got in trouble for trashing their suite. Well I'll be damned. I never knew those little scamps had it in them.

The sibling trio were in the U.K. capital for a gig recently and stayed at an unnamed hotel during their time in the city. And the two youngest brothers, Joe, 19, and 16 year old Nick, wasted no time in tearing up their suite.

Elder brother Kevin Jonas says, "Joe and Nick broke the floorboards of a room in London once by practicing their flips. They moved the coffee table over the top of the hole in the floor. We're probably not going to go back there!" (Source)

No!! Practicing their flips?! Indoors?! Well, it sounds like a certain kitchen staff in a certain London hotel learned the hard way why you don't use too much syrup in the chocolate milk.

Nick Jonas testifying before the senate in support of federal diabetes funding:

Brooke Hogan is releasing a remix for a song called "Judgment Day"on July 4th, which is probably news to everyone, and her father recorded a 1:45 intro to the album. And it is ... Wow. The track, in which Hulk refers to his daughter as "[his] little teeny-weeny Brooke-tini," is like wrestling smack talk with undertones of a creepily inappropriate father-daughter relationship and a healthy dose of pure, unadulterated lunacy. They could literally release the audio tape of Timothy Treadwell being mauled and eaten to death by a grizzly bear and this would still be the most uncomfortable thing I have ever listened to in my life.

Just for fun, remember when this happened:

For Pajiba's 5th Birthday Week, here are the 10 15 Worst Blockbusters of All Time. I'm looking at you, Michael "Micropenis" Bay. (Pajiba)

You know what Nicky Hilton does for fun? Hang outside clubs and laugh at people who don't get in. Apparently, being a horrid bitch runs in the Hilton Family. (The Blemish)

In other "Hiltons being dicks" news, Perez Hilton can pretty much go choke on a bag of shit for all I care. (College Candy)

Ever wanted to see Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried get it on while covered in corn syrup and food coloring? Well have I got the movie for you! (Yeeeah!)

How did Lindsay Lohan mourn the death of Michael Jackson? By taking off all her clothes. Naturally. (CelebWarship)

Gee, Leighton Meester's new song came out AWFULLY close to her leaked sex tape. Hmmmmm... (POTP)

Drea de Matteo is set to become a regular on Desperate Housewives. Awwww...it's cute how ABC thinks people still care about that show! (Seriously? OMG!)

Kid Rock and Kellie Pickler are dating, apparently having bonded over their single-digit IQs, shitty music, and complete lack of self-awareness. (Celebitchy)

Kate Gosselin's book got delayed, probably because she was too busy raping puppies. (BricksAndStones)

So according to PETA, exploiting animals is bad, but exploiting a recently deceased human being? A-Okay! (Agent Bedhead)

Poor Dean McDermott...Hey, if you had to bang Tori Spelling every night, you'd walk around all pissed off to. (IDWYL)

Pauly Shore has contacted his lawyer and is planning to take legal action against Sacha Baron Cohen for allegedly stealing the idea for his upcoming movie Adopted in Bruno. Aww, how cute. I didn't know Pauly Shore made a movie.

In Bruno, Cohen's outlandish character collects an African baby out of a box on an airport baggage carousel before turning to the camera and saying, "Angelina's got one, Madonna's got one, now Bruno's got one," in a gag joking about stars who adopt foreign children.

And now director Shore alleges the scene bears a striking resemblance to the trailer and tagline for his new film, Adopted - a comedy about the public's obsession with celebrity babies. (Source)

You have to admit, that's pretty low of Sacha Baron Cohen to steal a totally original joke about celebrity adoptions like that. I just hope no other comedian thieves catch on to Pauly Shore's other brilliant observational jokes about Scientology and Michael Jackson's relationship with kids. Oops, actually scratch that last one.

The poster for Adopted:

Reports are coming in from all over the place as to who may or may not be the biological parents of Michael Jackson's three kids. Sources are now confirming what anyone with functioning eyeballs has already figured out, that Jackson himself was not the father. But apparently, Debbie Rowe wasn't the mother, either.

Multiple sources deeply connected to the births tell us Michael was not the sperm donor for any of his kids. Debbie's eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate, and paid well for her services in the births of Michael Jr. and Paris.

In the case of Prince Michael II (the youngest), we're told the surrogate was never told of the identity of the "receiving parent" -- Michael Jackson. Three days after Prince was born at Grossmont Hospital in San Diego County, Jackson's lawyer came to the hospital to pick the baby up and deliver him to Michael. (Source)

Meanwhile, Us Magazine is saying that Michael Jackson's dermatologist was actually the sperm donor for the kids:

Though Michael Jackson was wed to Prince and Paris' mother, Debbie Rowe, their biological father is Arnold Klein, Jackson's L.A.-based dermatologist and Rowe's former boss, multiple sources confirm to the new issue of Us Weekly.

"He is the dad," says a Jackson insider. "He and Debbie signed an agreement saying they would never reveal the truth." (Source)

Can you even begin to imagine how much it sucks to be these kids right now? Hey, guess what! Your dad's dead, only -- oh yeah -- he wasn't your dad anyway and he also never wanted you to know who your real parents were. Of course, these kids were probably also raised to believe that fairies were real and that you can fly if they sprinkle their dust on you, so this will probably only be the first of many rude awakenings.

Note: The children are wearing rouge in this photo. Rouge!!! What. The. Fuck.

Mariah Carey went in drag while shooting her new video for "Obsessed" in NYC yesterday, and while I applaud her sense of humor honestly this kind of freaking me out. There are just some questions that should never be answered, and "What would Mariah Carey look like as a man?" is one of them. Plus, you just have to wonder about that poor gopher that's now running around with a completely naked butt.