Sucker Defined
A person easily cheated, deceived, or imposed upon.

Roberto Cavalli inadvertently confirmed months of Jennifer Lopez pregnancy rumors when the designer spilled the beans that he is actually J Lo's personal maternity designer.

Asked what types of clothing he designs for his celebrity clients, he told PEOPLE exclusively on Tuesday, "Well Jennifer Lopez, at this moment, she requests something very special because she is waiting for the baby. "It is so complicated because every week she is getting bigger," added the designer, speaking from his celebration promoting Roberto Cavalli Vodka at his New York showroom.

Yi-kes. There's a television program called "Dirty Jobs" which some of you may be familiar with. I've seen a man wade thigh deep in human excrement, collect owl vomit, swim through garbage, explore the nether regions of baby chicks, and make pottery out of cow shit. But fashioning a crazy pregnant diva's ceremonial gestation attire? None of that other stuff even compares to what that miserable sucker Roberto Cavalli has gotten himself into. May God hath mercy on that poor man's soul.

Nevernude Defined
Rare psychological affliction of never being able to be completely naked; insistence on covering one's genitalia and/or buttocks.

Jessica Alba was asked a question she's been asked a million times before, and once again answered in the same way. But if you read closely, you might be able to detect a slight bit of defensiveness.

The 26-year-old says, “I will never do a nude scene in a movie -- not ever. I can act sexy and I can wear sexy clothes but I can’t go naked. I think I was always very uncomfortable about the way my body developed. “I come from a Catholic family and it wasn’t seen as good to flaunt yourself. I can handle being sexy with clothes on but not with them off.

Indeed, it occurred to me that Ms. Alba's rationale for refusing to do nudity is flawed -- if you really are concerned about flaunting yourself, I very much doubt you'd pose for pictures like the one above or star in films Into the Blue or Good Luck Chuck. And if you're really that uncomfortable with your body, why the need to constantly dangle the goods? What's the distinction, lady? Is it really Catholic upbringing?

Of course not. The truth is, Jessica Alba's dark secret -- the deep down thing she doesn't talk about in interviews -- is that she's a nevernude. It's really quite obvious -- she will take almost everything off, but there's always the figurative cut-off blue-jean shorts blocking the pathway to nethertrim. She must always hide her thunder.

Poor Jessica. Someone should start a support group. Take comfort, Jessica, and heed the advice of Tobias Funke. When he was feeling down or overwhelmed by his nevernude syndrome, he simply blue himself.

H/T Popoholic  

If you were harboring any doubt whatsoever -- Britney is officially a bad mother. (Yeeeah!)

Happy Halloween from Fatback and Collards! (Fatback)

Mena Suvari's hair is finally starting to look cute. (UseMyComputer)

Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong make out session? Excuse me whilst I vomit. (Celebitchy)

That's no Halloween costume -- Heather Mills really is a wicked witch. (Agent Bedhead)

Emmy Rossum is a Devils fan! (Popoholic)

Poor Owen Wilson. I mean, I know things are bad -- but this isn't the way to deal with it. (DListed)

Head scratcher: He sometimes listens to Bon Jovi. Deal breaker: He's got a tail. (Pajiba)

Kanye-ism Defined
The creative, humorous and insightful philosophies and anecdotes used in creating [the] path to [Kanye West's] success.

Kanye West, with the help of J. Sakiya Sandifer, is set to release his literary debut, "Thank You And You're Welcome!," an astute tome chock full of Kayne-isms to get you through the day. From Kanye's blog:

It captures the same wit, playful irony, and piercing insight found abundant in my lyrics. In Thank You And You're Welcome! I deliver my personal message uncensored, without any five-second delay or media distortion. I'll post some sample pages within a week...

And now, Webster's Is My Bitch brings you an exclusive, never before peek into some of the brilliant insights to be found in Kanye's book. Enjoy!

"When life hands you lemons -- there's no shame in a temper tantrum."
"I'm Kanye West and you're not."
"It's OK for men cry sometimes."
"Fool Kanye West once, shame on you. Fool Kanye West twice, shame on Kanye West."
"Don't put off until tomorrow what you can bitch about today"
"I'm telling my Mom."
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it -- people like me."
"50 Cent is my bitch."
"I'm taking my ball and going home."
"Don't judge a book by it's cover. Except this book, which is completely awesome both inside and out."

Conflagrant Defined
Blazing; burning; on fire (source: Dictionary.com).

There's been a lot of talk lately about Tony Romo, the beefcake Adonis that gunslings for the Dallas Cowboys. He has, at one point or another, been linked to Carrie Underwood, Sophia Bush, and more recently, allegedly procured a lapdance from Britney Spears. A couple of days ago, during the Cowboys bye week, Tony Romo even signed a new six-year contract valued at over $65 million to stay with the Cowboys. Given his boyish good looks, his bachelor status, his starletard connections, and the fact that he's a multimillionaire, it's no wonder he's become a favorite on gossip blogs. He's dreamy.

But we here at Webster's is my Dictionary think there's another NFL quarterback who is sadly being overlooked by the gossip sites. No, he hasn't rubbed uglies with Britney Spears, nor has he dated "American Idol" winners, but he did once audition to become Ol' Lonely, the new Maytag Repairman. For all we know, he's also single and looking. Plus, he's a QB for the 2007 Superbowl Champs, the Indianapolis Colts. And, like Romo, he just signed a new multi-million dollar contract to stay with his team. Intrigued?

His name is Sorgi. Jim Sorgi. And if Tony Romo is hot, Jim Sorgi is motherfucking conflagrant. Check it:

It smells like something's burning. Is that ... is that the smell of melting panties? Yeah, I thought so.

Entrapment Defined
1. The luring by a law-enforcement agent of a person into committing a crime.
2.When a girl deliberately gets pregnant unbeknownst to the guy to obligate a guy into marriage. (Urban Dictionary)

According to a new tell all book, Madonna: Like an Icon -- Madonna had a brief fling with Tupac Shakur in the mid-90's and was so desperate for a child that she tried tricking him into to impregnating her with a Mini-Pac of her own.

The singer's friend Alison Clarkson recalls when she was briefly dating Tupac Shakur, one year before his death. "She was going out with him ... but homegirls were saying to him, 'I can't believe you're going out with a white girl,'" - so she got dumped!

All I can say is that Tupac was damn lucky to have such loyal homegirls with the good sense to know a crazy white bitch set on entrapment when they saw one. Kicking Madonna's freaky Kabbalah-lovin' ass to the curb was probably one of the best decisions Tupac ever made. Yep, ol' Tupac really dodged a bullet the day he got rid of old Madonna.

Blase Defined
Unimpressed or indifferent to something because one has experienced or seen it so often before.

Like a turd splashing into a dirty latrine, Britney Spears' stinker "Blackout" dropped today. But like anything having do with Ms. Spears, the ordeal wouldn't be complete without a ridiculously blase attempt at controversy. On the menu today? Fresh crabs, served atop the lap of a faux Catholic priest whom Britney is seductively perched upon in the liner notes for "Blackout." Luckily for Britney, however, the Catholic Church is just dumb enough to take the bait!

"This is all the puzzle pieces coming together. This girl is crashing," said Bill Donohue, president of the New York-based Catholic League. "She's not even allowed to bring up her own kids because she's not responsible enough. Now we see she can't even entertain."

Now we see she can't entertain? With all due respect Mr. Donohue, where were you last month when she lumbered around like a drugged elephant on stage at the VMAs? Because that's when everyone else decidedly concluded that Britney Spears can't entertain. All these photos prove is that she's the same predictable, slutty, vacuous attention-whore that we've all come to know and tolerate.

Wedding Tackle Defined
Presumably of Australian origin, wedding tackle refers to the male genitals, especially with regards to the genital's mate-luring capabilities.

In Sydney, Australia this week, Andrew Quah, a member of the Family First Party, was fired after he allegedly got blitzed and sent an email to a student-organization list with a picture attached of him flashing his penis. The email stated:

deer left,

u can all go n suck my fat asian cock

hate you,

andrew quah

future src president

also bring me more burbon i ran out

As The Register reports:

Attached to the email were three photographs, all of which appear to feature his wedding tackle, and one of which "shows him exposing his private parts as he takes a picture of himself in a mirror", as the Sydney Morning Herald puts it. Quah told the Sunday Herald Sun - which broke the story - it was "possible that he had posed for the compromising photographs", adding: "I might have been drunk off my face or my political enemies might have drugged me.

Honestly, I just think that wedding tackle is one of the most amusing slang terms for penis that I've ever run across.  And, apparently, this phrase is so common on the other side of the ocean that there is even a British farce named after it, starring James Purefoy.

Vajayjay Defined
Though it's origin is in dispute (the NYTimes wrongly attributes it to "Grey's Anatomy," though "GA" certainly introduced it to mainstream audiences), the term vajayjay refers to a female's naughty bits.

The NYTimes Styles Section, in its infinite wisdom, ran an entire article on the origin and usage of the term, Vajayjay over the weekend, writing, in part:

It began on Feb. 12, 2006, when viewers of the ABC series “Grey’s Anatomy” heard the character Miranda Bailey, a pregnant doctor who had gone into labor, admonish a male intern, “Stop looking at my vajayjay.”

The line sprang from an executive producer’s need to mollify standards and practices executives who wanted the script to include fewer mentions of the word vagina.

The scene, however, had the unintended effect of catapulting vajayjay (also written va-jay-jay) into mainstream speech. Fans of “Grey’s Anatomy” expressed their approval of the word on message boards and blogs.

The show’s most noted fan, Oprah Winfrey, began using it on her show, effectively legitimizing it for some 46 million American viewers each week.

And here's the thing, folks: Once a term has been popularized by "Grey's Anatomy," legitimized by freakin' Oprah Winfrey, and written at length by the NYTimes, it's time to retire the word. Put it to rest, folks. Let's leave Vajayjay to where it belongs now -- it's final resting place, a place where "you go, girl," "talk to the hand," and the Macarena still carries some cachet: Middle-aged women who work in HR and/or medical offices, who began watching "The Real World," five years ago to connect with their teenagers, five years too late.

R.I.P. Vajayjay.

I think Tony Romo finally may have jinxed the Dallas Cowboys. (IDLYITW)

The Spice Girls are getting ready to tour, and the "girl power" is at its cattiest! (Agent Bedhead)

Kelly Osbourne likes putting her sloppy titters on peoples heads. (cityrag)

True or False: David Space is still funny. Is there such a thing as "negative false?" (Celebslam)

“Keeping up with the Kardashians" isn't just vapid, it's a goddamn menace to society. (Yeeeah!)

To hell with London and France -- I know you all just want to see Nicole Kidman's underpants. (The Blemish)

Angelina Jolie has got the best "Cryptkeeper" costume ever. (Jossip)

Bootsy Defined
According to the Urban Dictionary, something is "bootsy" if it's particularly horrible or wretched.

As in, William Shatner thinks it's an absolutely bootsy decision to not have him be part of the next Star Trek flick. As you may have heard, JJ Abrams is directing a a new movie about the Starship Enterprise that is going to take a look back at the original crew's origins. So there are young actors playing the roles of Kirk, Spock, Scottie, etc. However, Nimoy (who played Spock) will be showing up in the movie as well, and this is what has the Shat's panties in a bunch:

"I couldn't believe it. I'm not in the movie at all. Leonard [Nimoy], God bless his heart, is in, but not me," Shatner, 76, told The Associated Press on Thursday. "I thought, what a decision to make, since it obviously is a decision not to make use of the popularity I have to ensure the movie has good box office. It didn't seem to be a wise business decision."

Wow. Shatner is so high on himself that he thinks his "popularity" will ensure that the film has a good box office? Really? So what explains the relatively disappointing gross for Miss Congeniality 2, Shatner? Sure, $48 million isn't bootsy, but it was less than half the domestic pulled in by the original. Oh wait, I got it! The sequel didn't have enough of you in it, right?

Right.

Spandexcstacy Defined
Spandexcstacy, according to the Urban Dictionary, is a combination of spandex and ecstasy, meant to refer to those who get their jollies from wearing spandex, and by jollies, I mean tingliness in one's nethers.

You may not find anything untoward about the picture above -- just another semi-popular celebrity, "Entourage's" Adrien Grenier, taking a nighttime stroll in his late-night leisure wear. But look closer -- do you see that unnamed woman to the right of Mr. Grenier? And you see her nose? The bandage? Yeah -- that's what happens, bitch, when you try to take a man's spandexcstacy away from him. A man will go only so far -- he'll shave his shitty beard, or leave his leggings at home, but don't. touch. the. spandex. Capisce?

(H/T Evil Beet)

Shit Magnet Defined
1. Person who for some inextricable reason attracts bad things and events to happen to them. 2. Any person, in which trouble and drama, follows them everywhere they go.

Veritable shit magnet Rosie O'Donnell has attracted fecal matter yet again. While promoting her new book Celebrity Detox in New York this past weekend, O'Donnell was ambushed by a camera crew belonging to professional piece of shit Bill O'Reilly, who proceeded to confront O'Donnell about alleged comments she made about 9/11; taunting the former talk queen to come on "The O'Reilly Factor" to defend herself be further ambushed before she finally had them thrown out.

Personally, I'm indifferent to Rosie O'Donnell. Sure, she's abrasive, obnoxious, and smacks of crazy. But who among us doesn't have at least one blood relative fitting those same qualifications? Way to go there, Bill -- nice to see you still aiming for the hard hitting stories. No grieving mothers of fallen U.S. soldiers this week? Or what about terminal coma patients? You can pretty much accuse 'em of anything and they won't fight back. It's a virtual untapped goldmine "The O'Reilly Factor" is missing out on -- and you know what they say, right? Strike while the shit is still steamin'!

Sissy Defined
A person regarded as effeminate or cowardly.

Fred Claus star Vince Vaughn and his rapidly swelling noggin recently admitted to the press that he pretended to believe in Santa Claus until he was 16 years old so he wouldn't miss out on Christmas gifts. Wow. No -- just, wow.

They (my brother and sister) said, 'Don't tell mom and dad, because then we may not get gifts anymore.'" "I was like 16 going, 'Dad, when is Santa coming down the chimney?' My dad was like, 'Look it's getting weird, you are getting older, you know there's not a Santa, right?'"

Yep, that's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard in my entire life. But in all seriousness, you really gotta feel for poor Vince Vaughn's dad. Most parents just have to worry about their teenage boys staying out late and maybe smoking weed now and then -- but poor Mr. Vaughn got stuck with this sissy boy pretending to believe in Santa so he wouldn't miss out on waking up to a brand new tea set Christmas morning. Holidays may come and go, but shame? That lasts for a lifetime.

Reefer Defined
(Via Urban Dictionary) God's most glorious gift to mankind: green, weed, bud, dope, pot, herb, grass, the great smoke-shit. This wonderful plant, when rolled into a joint, blunt or packed into a bowl etc., is the single most effective way to relax and be at ease known to man. It can be smoked from joints, blunts, pipes, bongs, hookahs, one-hitters, bubblers and indeed just about anything.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is either the dumbest man on Earth or the most brilliant. It's a crap shoot, really it is. In a recent GQ interview, the 60 year old "Governator" clears up any misconceptions about his past brushes with the reefer -- conveniently caught on film in the 1977 documentary Pumping Iron -- by claiming that it's totally OK, because guess what? Pot isn't even a drug! Ahnuld tells the magazine:

"I didn't take any drugs. That (marijuana) is not a drug. It's a leaf. My heart was pumping iron, trust me."

How can you argue with that kind of logic? If Bill Clinton had possessed that kind of genius or complete lack of intelligence, just imagine what he would have gotten away with! Didn't inhale? Well, doesn't really matter if it's not a drug in the first place! Didn't have sex with that woman? What woman! Who is Monica Lewinsky? Uh, yeah... I'm pretty sure she never even existed.

Hyper-Democratic Celebrity
As defined by Joshua Gamson, the author of Claims to Fame: Celebrity in Contemporary America, a hyper-democratic celebrity is a celebrity who doesn't earn his or her status by hard work or even as a product of the Hollywood manufacturing machine, but by virtue of simple self-made cyberpopularity -- no talent required.

If you don't know who Tila Tequila is, well -- clearly, you're completely alone in that regard. Like Paris Hilton before her, Tila Tequila has parlayed nothing into something. While Kim Kardishan became a celebrity by virtue of creating a celebrity sex tape (there's some brain-sapping logic in that notion), Ms. Tequila (real name: Tila Nguyen) has created her hyper-democratic celebrity by amassing over 1.7 million MySpace friends.

How, one may ask, is it possible for a personality who great hunks of the citizenry never imagined existed to build up a social network more populous than Dallas? How can Tila Tequila have become enormously famous having done little of note beyond appearing as Playboy’s Cyber Girl of the Week? When exactly in the Warholian arc of fame did we arrive at a point where we create celebrities of people so little accomplished that they make Paris Hilton look like Marie Curie?

How, indeed. Like other great unsolved mysteries of our time -- what is the dark matter holding the galaxies together made up of? how can a skin cell become a nerve cell? what is the basis of consciousness? -- the Tila Tequila phenomena may forever remain unexplained. However, I suspect -- given the alien shape of her head -- that extra-terrestrial forces are involved.

DoucheRod Defined
A DoucheRod is an extreme version of a douchebag, which -- as the Urban Dictionary describes -- is a person with a shitty personality that needs to "take them self the fuck down" or "go home and get their fucking shine box." A DoucheRod, like its lesser douchebag cousin, usually assumes the form of a hair-gelling pretty-boy but can also be described as an overzealous, pompous, or vexatious asshole that most people wish were killed with a Mortal Kombat fatality.

For those who follow baseball, there are two huge stories today, when -- in fact -- there should only be one. The top story in the world of baseball, of course, is that the Boston Red Sox are the 2007 World Series winners after sweeping the Colorado Rockies 4-0 in a ho-hum, methodical manner over the weekend. Unfortunately, on a day when baseball fans around the nation should be focusing either their love or bitterness toward Red Sox Nation, Alex Rodriguez has decided to steal some of that limelight by making an announcement -- which broke during the 7th inning of last night's game -- that he won't be re-signing with the New York Yankees next year. That anyone would give half a rat's ass which team A-Rod poisons next year is moot -- the fact that the man decided to announce his decision so that it would coincide with the Red Sox win, however, represents an extremely foul form of classlessness tantamount to announcing your pregnancy during a friend's nuptials or bragging about the time your broke your collarbone when a small girl tells you she has leukemia. In other words, you'd have to be a real DoucheRod to do what Alex Rodriguez did yesterday.

A Ramones T-Shirt must be earned, dammit, not bought at the mall -- unless you're 10-years-old.  (NYTimes)

Renee Zellweger has got the flawless skin of an ancient Egyptian mummy. (Yeeeah!)

Doesn't Rachel Ray know that lies are the instruments of the devil? (Celebitchy)

Everyone loves the hot-ass bitches from "Gossip Girl!" (The Evil Beet)

"Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!" is on the verge of becoming the most popular slogan since "Don't taze me bro'!" (Mollygood)

Paris Hilton defiles a beloved Disney character. (DListed)

Ah, crap. And speaking of "defiled" -- so much for the sweet innocence of "Pushing Daisies." (Fatback)

Contaminated Defined:
Impure by exposure to or addition of a poisonous or polluting substance.

Scarlett Johansson is a dirty, filthy woman. Johansson's ex, Josh Hartnett recently revealed that his role in the film 30 Days Of Night was put into jeopardy due to a disease he contracted from kissing the actress's contaminated lips. Gross. From Starpulse:

The 29-year-old struggled to film scenes in the vampire picture after contracting the "kissing disease." He says, "I was falling apart because I had glandular fever, otherwise known as the kissing disease. You're supposed to have it at 14, so apparently I haven't kissed enough people."

While that's quite chivalrous of him to say, does anyone believe that a smokin' hot  piece of meat like Josh Hartnett ever had trouble with the ladies? Bravo, sir... Bravo. Then again, I suppose there's really no nice way of saying, "I would have been safer making out with a used truck stop urinal cake than Scarlett Johansson." Or, "I sure hope Ryan Reynolds sleeps in a fully equipped Hazmat suit." Nope, really no nice way of saying that at all.

Sneaky Butcher Defined
A term used to refer to a gay man when you don't want someone "not in the know" to actually know you're talking about a gay man (while it may not be derogatory, depending on the context, it more often than not is). Derivation: A sneaky butcher likes to sneak meat out the back door.

Henry Rollins is not a sneaky butcher, but that doesn't mean he thinks there's anything wrong with it. In fact, he actively speaks out for gay rights, which as a Seattle Times reporter pointed out, is rare for someone who isn't a sneaky butcher. Said Rollins:

I think it's really lame what's going on with those that are gay, and I'm not gay. I was raised around gay folks. I was raised in the Washington, D.C., area. My mom had gay friends. I had gay bosses. I worked at a movie theater and got propositioned four times a weekend. It was like, "You like boys, nah, it's not going to be me." I never wanted to kick some guy's ass. Some guys are creeps. But when you see the kind of hatred exacted at these people who can't help how they feel about men, it's sad. What if it was weird to be straight? What if someone said, "what's wrong with you" to me, for staring at a woman?

I think if Bill and Tom want to get married, they should be able to in America. If someone has a problem with that, go on your way.

Right on, brother. I'm as guilty as anyone at taking pot shots at celebrities with every chance I get. Who doesn't love slinging shit at them, right? But we should be fair and sometimes point out when celebrities say or do something positive, even though it ain't nearly as much fun. Luckily for us, this happens rarely.

Misguided Defined
Having or showing faulty judgment or reasoning

In an egregiously misguided use of a church congregation, a pastor in Lexington, Kentucky is asking parishioners to ban together and write letters to Britney Spears. And not even the hate mail she so richly deserves, either. No -- nice letters. From the church's website:

Take a few minutes and write a note to Britney Spears, and bring it to the front of the stage between worship services this weekend this week. No preaching. No criticizing. Just love. As a church, let’s love Britney the way Jesus loves her.

See, now there's the problem, because I'm pretty sure that even Jesus doesn't love Britney Spears. I know he's the son of God and all, and is supposed to have unconditional love to all mankind or something like that -- but come on. Give the guy a break, is all I'm saying. "Helping Britney Spears" probably ranks on Jesus' to-do list somewhere between "Philadelphia Eagles Superbowl victory" and "cleaning out Heaven's gutters."

Entitlement Defined
The fact of having a right to something.

You know something? Hulk Hogan is like, the best Dad ever. Somebody should make a TV show about what an awesome dad he is. It could be called something "Hogan Knows Best How to Fill His Spawn with an Inflated Sense of Entitlement." For as you see, Hogan's son Nick has finally opened up about the irresponsible drag racing accident that left his passenger, John Graziano, requiring permanent life support. Via Nick's myspace blog:

“omggggg its been forever since i blogged…hell i dont even know what blog means but i guess its where you write stuff for people to read

anyways my last one was before i even drove for mopar, if you check my pics youll see that i did end up driving for them for my amateur season and most of my pro rookie season. i recently left the mopar team tho…things didnt work out to well

but!….i picked up a new title sponsor…POLAROID! and started my own team with twin 350z’s pretty cool i know

anyways id like everyone to wish my luck for my 08 season and keep john graziano in your prayers”

See? He's totally sorry. It should be noted, however, that the man Nick put into a coma was a U.S. Marine who had previously survived through two tours in Iraq. So maybe if the Marines need somebody to take John's place, they can draft Nick into service. Only instead of equipping him with armor and weaponry, they can just drop him from a plane naked into the middle of the dessert, and maybe even ring a giant dinner bell so the insurgents know he's there. Reparations, baby -- lick it up.

Union Defined:
A state of harmony or agreement.

Nicole Kidman is so enamored in wedded bliss that she refuses to discuss how awesomely happy and secure her union is. In fact, she told Interview that she won't talk about how super deeply in love she is with her husband, male styling product aficionado and sometimes country singer Keith Urban -- just in case her perfect and untroubled marriage may ever be tarnished. Not that that would ever happen.

"I don't ever say that. Partly because interviews are done in advance and you never know where somethings going. People's lives together are complicated and beautiful and that's what they should stay. They're very quiet... They don't need to be broadcast."

Kidman adds, "My husband and I are committed to each other and deeply in love. That's how I would put it. We're working on staying in that place, and hopefully we will for the rest of our lives."

It's true, you never know where somethings going. Or where somethings coming. Like your husband, out of the closet. Well Nicole, if things don't work out with Keith -- I hear that nice Ryan Seacrest is single. Or maybe you could try antiquing! I hear the unmarried men just flock to those antique markets.

Confused Defined:
Being perplexed or disconcerted; disoriented with regard to one's sense of time, place, or identity.

I'm so confused.

Martyr Defined
A person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.

Always eager to assume the role of martyr, Heather Mills recently revealed that she suffered through the last season of "Dancing With The Stars" with a broken pelvis. What's that sound I hear? No... Not the world's tiniest violin... Why, that would be the sound of no one giving a shit.

She says, "I had a broken pelvis when I danced in Dancing With The Stars. I've had a broken plate for a few years now and it just pops out now and again." The injury forced Mills into a wheelchair, but now she's walking again after her hip was "realigned and cracked back into place by a chiropractor." Mills now has to find time in her busy schedule to undergo surgery. She adds, "I just can't take four months out right now."

You'd think that having a broken pelvis would have been a good indicator of why someone shouldn't... oh, go on a celebrity dancing competition show in the first place. Although, if not having two fully functional human legs wasn't a clear enough signal -- then yeah, I guess the pelvis thing probably wasn't going to make much difference either. Although, to be fair to Heather, clearly she'll never be a woman known for her good decision making skills and strong moral compass. Nope, she'll just be known as the whorey gold digger who publicly humiliated a beloved cultural icon and starred in a crappy reality show with one leg and a broken pelvis. Que sera!

Outed Defined
To reveal some previously secret part of someone's life, originally from someone coming "out of the closet" as gay.

Jerry Seinfeld has outed himself from the proverbial closet of Scientology to proclaim his devotion to the religion cult. The Bee Movie star went so far as to tell Parade that Scientology was helpful to his career:

In my early years of stand-up, it was very helpful. I took a couple of courses. One of them was in communication, and I learned some things about communication that really got my act going. They (Scientologists) have a lot of very good technology. That's what really appealed to me about it. It's not faith-based. It's all technology. And I'm obsessed with technology.

All of a sudden everything is becoming perfectly clear. See, I always thought Seinfeld was a prick because of his unfunny, obnoxious style of observational comedy. But this whole time it was just because he was a stupid fucking Scientologist! Hey asshole! You know who else has good technology? The Japanese! Why not move to Japan? Or if you don't like sushi, you could just stay over here and bow down to the great gods of Circuity City. No, no -- you're right, worshiping a shammy religion about the alien ruler Xenu and his "Galactic Confederacy" makes much more sense.

Transcendence Defined
The state of excelling or surpassing or going beyond usual limits.

How does that old saying go? Something like you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take away Kid Rock's fondness for affordably priced waffles and parking lot brawls? Well, that would explain a lot -- because in a moment of high profile redneck transcendence, Kid Rock (a.k.a. Bob Ritchie) spent the night in the clink after being arrested on misdemeanor battery charges for fighting in a Waffle House parking lot.

The fight happened early Sunday morning in Atlanta, where Kid had played a show the previous evening. Police report that a male customer recognized a woman in Kid Rock's entourage, and that "words were exchanged, and a fight ensued." Isn't that how these things always go? I'd love to know exactly what words were exchanged, but I guess it probably wouldn't be too difficult to figure out. All you'd really need to do is turn on any given episode of Jerry Springer, transcribe some of the messy, expletive laden dialogue and apply it to Waffle House setting. Throw in a douchebag with a beard, stupid hat and long hair and -- voilà! -- there you have the scene that resulted at the Buford Highway Waffle House.

John Stamos had a good run. Really, he did. There was "Full House, " and who didn't love Jesse Katsopolis and his feathery mullet of jocular defiance? Plus there was that time when he totally got to play drums in The Beach Boys' "Kokomo" video! And he even got married to that supermodel, who probably even slept in the same bed with him and let him touch her sometimes. So what if if she ended up dumping him for the fat kid from Stand By Me and now shows up to places looking smoking hot like this? No, we really need not lament John Stamos personal and professional career -- even if he is sitting at home by himself right now, crying in his bowl of Cap'n Crunch that he had to prepare with piña colada mixer because he was all out of milk. At least he's got the memories -- and if he's lucky, maybe even a small part in Farce of the Penguins 2.

Credibility: (Noun) The quality, capability, or power to elicit belief.

In a brilliant attempt to take a steaming dump on any remaining shred of credibility they've got left, PETA has chosen Steve-O has the newest mascot for their "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign -- making us all wax nostalgic for the days when we thought Pamela Anderson was the worst atrocity they could unleash upon us. When pressed for comment, Steve-O had the following to say:

"I never liked fur. Abuse yourself all you want, just leave animals out of it. I just say fuck it. Don't wear fur!"

"I just say fuck it -- don't wear fur!" Never before has animal rights been summed up so eloquently! Bravo, sir. Does PETA have a slogan? Maybe they can use this from now on. I just hope the animals know how lucky they are for all the retards and porn stars willing to get naked on their behalf.

Retahded Defined
Pronunciation of "retarded" attributed to residents of the Boston area.

Our boy, Ben Affleck -- filming his directorial debut, Gone Baby Gone (opening Oct. 15^th) -- went to great lengths during production to curtail costs. In fact, rather than hire extras, he improvised by getting locals drunk. He explains:

 

Basically, what we did was, wherever possible, we went down to locations -- say we shot in a bar -- and we basically said, 'Whoever's at your barstool, we're gonna show up and make the movie, stay where you are. We're gonna make the movie around you.' A lot of times, and I'm not sure if this is legal, we were just buying people drinks.

 

One local in Southie saw it like this: “Here I am mindin’ my own fackin’ bizzness, and this so-called Hollywood directah comes up and shoves a camera in my face, says I’m gonna be in a moovee. It was retahded. Like I’m suppose to be impressed?! Like I don’t see that fackin’ retahd with his skeeza wife every time I watch the Sox -- those assholes on NESN are more interested in showing his ugly mug than the fackin’ ballgame. And I’m all like, ‘fahk you, Affleck. Take your big-time camera crew and all your gahbge and get the fack out of my bah, you fackin’ retahd. I don’t wanna be in your fackin’ movee.’ That nerve of that guy -- he thinks every bah in Boston is frickin’ Cheeahs. But, then he bought me a coupla Sams and a grinda, and I was all like, ‘Pissah!” You were the bomb in Phantoms, yo!’”