Up for auction today, we have one pink and black pirate Halloween costume from October 2007. Was worn only one time. Condition: gently used. Comes from smoke and pet-filled home. Buyer beware! Seller does not assume responsibility for any diseases or poxes buyer may contract after purchasing item.

Shipping & Handing will be $8.95 US Postal Service Priority Mail, to be delivered in a sealed Hazmat container. Delousing is optional and extra. Paypal, money order and meth accepted. No personal checks.

See my other auctions, and thanks for bidding!

Mr. Skin, which many of you may know as the website referred to in Knocked Up that tracks nude scenes in Hollywood films, has come out with the Top 20 nude scenes of 2007. Marisa Tomei tops the list for her efforts in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. Among others in the top 20, there is also Malin Ackerman's scene in The Hearbreak Kid, in which she urinated on Ben Stiller's back; all of Christina Ricci's scenes in Black Snake Moan; and -- of course -- Eva Mendes gratifying herself in the opening scene of We Own the Night. Missing, however, was Viggo Mortensen's ass in Eastern Promises, as well as Clive Owen's gun-fighting / lovemaking shenanigans in Shoot 'Em Up, which is easily the best nude scene in all of 2007. In fact, there are zero men on the list, which just goes to show you that Mr. Skin is a sexist bastard.

Here's the complete list:
 
1. Marissa Tomei - Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
2. Keeley Hazell - Cashback
3. Natalie Portman - Hotel Chevalier
4. Christina Ricci - Black Snake Moan
5. Sienna Miller - Factory Girl
6. Roselyn Sanchez - Yellow
7. Malin Ackerman - The Heartbreak Kid
8. Eva Mendes - We Own the Night
9. Lena Headey - 300
10. Stormy Daniels and Nautica Thorne - Knocked Up
11. Alexa Davalos - Feast of Love
12. Chelan Simmons - Good Luck Chuck
13. Wei Tang - Lust, Caution
14. Ashley Judd - Bug
15. Olivia Wilder - Alpha Dog
16. Ana Claudia Talancon - Alone With Her
17. Danielle Harris - Halloween
18. Heather Matarazzo - Hostel: Part II
19. Amber Valetta - The Last Time
20. Lucy Liu - Rise: Blood Hunter

To rectify Mr. Skin's sexism, here are some NSFW screen shots of Viggo in Eastern Promises. It's not pretty, though. A man's dangly bits ought not be featured in fight scenes. 

What the hell did a pair of jeans ever do to Willa Ford? (Celebslam)

Who'd you rather -- former child stars edition. (Ayyyy!)

Tara Reid got a job hosting something called the "Hooker's Ball." Of course she did. (Yeeeah!)

Jesus, will somebody kidnap Nicole Kidman and take her on a tour of America's Home Depots and Hooters? (Agent Bedhead)

Hey Kim, nobody wants your shit! (IDLYITW)

Tila Tequila's dating show is a huge scam -- to which I respond with a resounding DUH. (DListed)

What kind of sick bastard watches Dancing with the Stars? (Pajiba)

You know, I think it's great. After an adored television show is canceled, a lot of young stars with huge geek followings might have tried to turn a quick buck by showing some skin in a low-rent magazine. Not Kristen Bell! No sir. Bell wants to be taken seriously. First of all, she's branching out -- Bell refuses to be typecast as a geek girl, which is why she'd never do something as obvious as a sci-fi show or a movie devoted to Fanboys. She wants to be thought of, first and foremost, as an actress and not a pair of breasts, which is why she'd never pose in a short skirt and a bra or in cleavage-baring spaghetti straps. Right?

Good for you, Kristen. It's time someone took a stand and said to the world, "I want to be respected for my talent, not my fun bags." And there are thousands of fanboys out there doing exactly that: Respecting your talent, Kristen.

More Kristen Bell flaunting her talent.


 

Hey Adrien -- were they all out of the matching, fur-trimmed fedora with the giant feather sticking out of the brim, or did you just think that would be "overdoing" it? Well, a good rule of thumb to follow when selecting pimpin' attire is that subtlety is not your friend. Actually, that's kind of the only rule. That and, a good cane is an investment. So next time, don't hold back, man. Just go for it.

Hey Katie -- nice hairstyle, bitch. You steal that from me? Throw a little purple in there, and we're, like, dead ringers for one another, only I'm not a wackjob who leases my womb out to The Galactic Confederacy. I like the modestly applied makeup, too -- you slick that Bai-do back and you'd fit right in a Robert Palmer video.

Oh, and Tom: Awesome trophy, man. It's pretty. I've always wanted a golden fawn in my trophy case, too -- you can put it next to the golden sheep, the golden calf, and the golden virgin, thus completing your golden manger just in time for the holidays. Dickbag.

In an unexpectedly tragic turn of modesty, Brad Pitt has vowed that his days of doing nude scenes in films are over.

"I don't want to be embarrassed when my kids get old enough to see my films," Pitt told the BBC in an interview that aired Tuesday. "I can't see any more nude scenes [in my career.]"

Yeah, Brad honey? I think your naked, forty-something ass is probably the last thing you have to worry about being embarrassed about in front of your kids. If anything, I would think that Pringles commercial would easily top the list. Or how about the time you dated a legally retarded person?  Lest we forget all those years of emasculation at the hands of mommy. Because by the time the kids are that old, Angelina will probably have had his testes fashioned into a keyring like you do a rabbit's foot.

Pam Anderson is finally trotting that tired ass of hers out to pasture, saying in a recent interview that she plans to retire in five years.

"I get offers to do movies and TV all the time. I say no to everything. Drives my agent crazy," she says, laughing. "But I'm lazy. I don't want to work. I want to be with my kids.

I can only image how arduous Pam's life must be -- always having to show up at premieres and events, spilling out of her outfits looking drunk and slutty on the arm of her white trash husband 'o the week. That kind of grueling lifestyle takes its toll on a girl! Maybe it's time to settle down on a ranch, or something -- you know, sitting out on a porch rocker all day, knitting thongs for the grandkids.

WE Vote '08, an organization dedicated to empowering women to vote, launched last night and was attended by the likes of Susan Sarandon, Geraldine Ferraro and uh, Adrianne Curry. As you can see here, Mrs. Peter Brady decided to celebrate eighty-eight years of women's suffrage by displaying a little side-boobage. But I guess it's really the only way she could contribute since I'm pretty sure illiterates aren't allowed to vote.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Defined: The sound a blogger makes when suddenly faced with the prospect of being thrown into the back of a pickup truck, tortured, sexually abused, anally despoiled, cut into little bits, and blended into a mixture of spring water and hops, making up the heft of Benicio Del Toro's and Mickey Rourke's next six-pack, which they have affectionately termed:  Webster's is my Bitch, now.

Hold me.

I present W.I.M.B.'s first edition of our "Unflattering Photos" feature, in which we demonstrate that even attractive people can look funky, weird, gruesome, or just plain dumb if they are caught in a certain pose.

Today's victim: John Cusack, star of Say Anything, Grosse Point Blank, and the forthcoming Grace is Gone. And if the six snapshots above were metaphors for his film career, they would represent the ugly side of Cusack: Con Air, America's Sweethearts, and Must Love Dogs. And you can bet your ass, Cusack would've never used one of the above photos on his Match.com profile. Take another look at the top, middle photo: Yipes!

Well, now you're just being mean; you can't expect that much T without a healthy amount of A, right? Proportion is our friend. (IDLYITW)

KiKi Dunst injects Hollywood glamour, where "Hollywood glamour” is code for “teeth like a mouthful of broken glass and tits like a couple of gym socks full of pudding.” (Yeeeah!)

Paris Hilton wants a baby! That's the best idea since the pet rock, which -- incidentally -- is exactly how Paris would treat her offspring. (Celebitchy)

Britney Spears takes it all off in a porn shop. Just another day, folks. (The Blemish)

Two words: Bai. Ling. (Usemycomputer)

Two Girls. One Cup. One Grandma! (College Humor)

Aw, come on now, Ms. Beet: You can't encourage the little starlets. It only takes a little peer pressure before their nethertrim is splayed for the whole world to see. (Evil Beet)

Wow, uh, that's a really great coat you got there, Brooke. Last time I saw a coat like that, it was worn by a woman on her way to go murder a bunch of Dalmatians. But don't worry, you totally rock the deranged old crone look way better than she did.

I will see your Aguilera, Stacey, and I'll raise you a Bonham-Carter.

I mean, come on, Stace -- you think you're having nightmares? Helena Bonham Carter has Tim Burton's baby inside of her. Do you have any idea what must be going on in her womb? That kid probably has wild hair and scissorhands, coos like Pee Wee Herman, and wiggles around like Beetlejuice. I hope they're piping plenty of Danny Elfman in there to keep him calm.

But then again, Helena makes a beautiful corpse bride. She might wanna grab a brush, though.

I'd just like to thank Marie Claire in advance for coming months of restless nights peppered with jarring nightmares from these photos of naked, pregnant Christina Aguilera. Couldn't they have found anything less horrifying to put on the cover of their magazine? Health class pictures of genitalia wrought with advanced stages of gonorrhea, perhaps? Come on! Work with me here!

Just when you think that Jessica Simpson might possibly be making decisions on her own, a source tells Page Six that when it comes to her new romance with Tony Romo -- it was none other than the perpetually creepy Papa Joe Simpson pulling the strings.

Joe and Tony have been friendly for a while. Joe is a huge Dallas Cowboy fan, and Tony has always had a crush on her - he even said on his Web site like a year ago that it was his dream to date her.

Jessica has been in Nashville and Dallas recording her new country album. When Tony found out, he called Joe and said, 'I know she's not dating anyone right now, can I take her out for a drink at least?' Jessica said it was OK for Joe to give Tony her number and they hit it off.

Well, good for them. Because nothing says true love like a pervy dad lurking menacingly in the background tenting his fingers and leering at his daughter's rack. Plus, on those nights where Tony's had a rough day on the field and doesn't feel up to lovin' -- he's always got a backup quarterback, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. But just so we're all clear, Joe Simpson wants to bang his daughter.

Pam Anderson's latest hubby realizes just what the fuck he's gotten himself into. (Ayyyy!)

Kim Kardashian has reached Paris Hilton levels of stupidity. (The Blemish)

Marie Osmond is a dirty dirty liar who swears like a sailor. (Celebitchy)

Marilyn Manson plans to rid the world of Marilyn Manson by way of rattlesnake bathing. (Agent Bedhead)

Lindsay Lohan plans to name her third album "Nobody's Angel" because "Redundant Whore" was apparently already taken. (Yeeeah!)

Linda Hogan is nothing but a fracking gold digger. (IDLYITW)

Bitchin' promos for Fox's new series "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. (Popbytes)

Who else has a a short, Jewish-man shaped hole in their heart? (Pajiba)

I can't decide if there is more talent or ego in this room, but it's clear there is enough blowhard in this single photo to wreak tsunami-like destruction on all of Los Angeles.  How did the photographer  manage to hang on to his camera with that much windbaggery in front of him. Seriously: You put a blowhard and a gasbag within three feet of one another and you're just asking for a sucking chest wound. It's like a black hole of assbaggery in there. That poor woman stuck in the middle doesn't realize that the swirling hot air in the room is about to propel her into the receding lights.

And why do I have this ditty running through my head: "Lions and Hamsters and Pigs, Oh My!"

Oh, and Richard Gere: Awesome glasses, man. I knew a guy who had a pair just like them back in the seventh grade, only his had duct tape around the nose and he'd super glued one of the temples to the side of his head after it broke in half. We called him Lady Killer.

You know what I love about this photo? It love that the photographer was able to capture so much about these two actresses' personality with this one snapshot. I mean, just look at Julianne Moore. This picture says that, no, she's not particularly pleased about posing for a photo, but she's all too willing to put on a big smile and fake it. If the people want a half-grimace from the star of The Big Lebowski, then by damn, Juliane Moore is going to give the people what they want.

And then look at Tea Leoni. If a picture is worth a thousand words, Tea Leoni's expression only needs two of them: 1) Fuck. 2) You. The look on her face says, "You son of a bitch, I was trying to have a conversation with my friend, Juliane, until you butted in with your goddamn camera. Look: I will give you one photo. Take another, and I'll eat your babies and crap them back out into your Wheaties. Don't mess with me, buster. I'm Tea Leoni. I was in Deep Impact. I was in Bad Boys. I should not have to suffer this. But I will. Because I'm a nice person. Now, get the hell out of here before I shove that camera ...

The Independent Spirit Awards were announced yesterday; Todd Haynes' Dylan biopic, I'm Not There, picked up four noms, including best picture, joining other best pic nominees, Juno, A Mighty Heart, Paranoid Park, and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

Lisa Kudrow announced the awards, standing alongside a giant, inflatable penis wearing a black shirt and a smile that said, "I''ve got only one testicle: Love it, tickle it, or lick it, but for God's sake, ladies, don't squeeze the malteser. He no likey likey."

Permashock-faced talk show host Carson Daly is defying the writer's strike by starting production of new episodes of "Last Call with Carson Daly" this week -- his show being the first and only late night talk show to do so.

Well, I've always said, "People wouldn't watch that asshole Carson Daly if his show was the last talk show on TV," and now it's coming true. Kinda poetic, don't you think?

I know, Uma. There, there. It's all gonna be OK. I do it to, you know. I think we all do. When time's are rough. When the only affection we can get is from a stalker (and even he denies it). When our love life is in shambles. When our career is swirling in a big whirl of toilet water (My Super Ex-Girlfriend? Yikes!) And when the world has seemingly passed us by. We do it, too. It feels good, doesn't it, Uma? You just have to cross your arms. Maybe caress your own shoulders. Just squeeze real tight, Uma. Just close your eyes and pretend it's someone else. Am I right?

Yeah. Every once in a while, I like to give myself a hug, too. It allows me to remember that under these tight leather pants, when the whips are gone, and there's no flesh to be seared, I am a person just like you, Uma. Only not as lonely. Or pathetic enough to self-embrace in front of a cameraman.

Next time, get a room, Uma. It's just sad. You're making us all feel bad.

More from the less pathetic attendees of last night's Gotham Awards.

 

Kevin Federline appears on the cover of this month's Details “Power & Influence” issue -- somehow managing to rank No. 7 on the magazine’s list of 50 “power players" for essentially being a high priced gigolo with invincible sperm.

So many jokes to be made here -- but you know what? Fuck it, I quit. Nothing I say even matters.

On second thought... Props to the Details editor who paired K-Fed's photo with the "Are You Turning Your Kid Into a Douchebag?" article. Why, yes. Yes you are. Zing! Oh yeah -- still got it.

During a sold out concert in Long Island last week, R. Kelly took a moment to pay his respects to Donda West who had been laid to rest earlier in the week.

Kelly stopped his show and stated, "Let's have a moment of silence for Kanye West's mom," and, after a brief moment, he dedicated I Wish, his anthem about lost loved ones, to West's family.

Kelly then proceeded to take out of photograph of Kanye's mother and urinate on it in front of the crowd. While that may not sound like much, it's pretty much the the highest form of tribute R. Kelly can bestow. It's kind of like the 21 gun military salute -- only, you know, with urine.

Firecrotch's Cleavage Returns for a Limited Engagement only. (Popoholic)

Brendan Fraser. Male Pattern Baldness. II Kings 2:23. Let Your Mind Be Blown. (Yeeeah!)

Jake. Reese. Jake's secret crush on Ryan. It's all such a mess. Someone step in here. (IDLYITW)

Celebslam Guy: You're a shoe-in for "The Hills" next private event. I mean, you drive a Firebird for God's sake. Can I have sex with you? (Celebslam)

Give the gift that keeps on creepin': A John Travolta Barbie. (CityRag)

I have no idea how Adriana Lima is. But, she has nice lingerie. (Egotastic)

Slow gossip day, huh, Cord? Yeah. I hear you. Props for the headline. (MollyGood)

Everyone on this show is ineligible for the Celebrity Rehab Pool. Everyone. (Pop on the Pop)

Here is irrefutable proof that no matter how many commercials he stars in playing the "cool" computer operating system -- Justin Long is and always will be a bona fide super nerd.

Long pictured here in his super suit on TRL yesterday.

It's been nearly three months now since Heath Ledger's wife, Michelle Williams, pancaked him. And despite appearing in the new Dylan biopic over the weekend, it looks like Ledger is not taking the break-up very well. I know, Heath -- it's been rough. But, an insane asylum? Dude -- you're taking it too hard. There are other starlets in the sea, man. Get some sun; maybe a facial and some hair coloring. The green really isn't your look. And the straight jacket?! C'mon, Heath; that is soo 2006. It's nice that you can keep a smile on your face through all of this, though. Smile through the tears, fella. Smile through the tears.

You keep that chin up, big guy. We've all been there.  And I know you'll get through it and come out on the other side a better, stronger man. 

With Lindsay Lohan out of rehab and sober, Britney forced to undergo court-mandated drug testing, and Paris too preoccupied with spreading goodwill and STDs across the globe, we here at Webster’s picked a helluva time to start a gossip blog. So, we’re just going to create our own excitement by introducing W.I.M.B.’s celebrity rehab pool. Starting today, and on the 27th of each month hereinafter (or the next business day after the 27th), Webster’s will be running our $100 monthly celebrity rehab pool. How does it work? Easy.

In the comments section, pick the celebrity you believe will be the next to enter a rehab facility. It’s first come, first serve, and the contest restarts each month. $100 goes to the winner. The criteria are as follows:

1) Must be a bona fide celebrity, as adjudicated by our Fame Committee, which consists of Stacey, myself, the Manslave, Webster's Dominatrix, and popular opinion.

2) The celebrity must have had one moderately high-profile gig in the last two years. In other words, Steve Guttenberg counts, but Todd Bridges does not.

3) Only top tier reality stars are eligible, which include only finalists in any of the following: “Survivor,” “American Idol,” or “Dancing with the Stars.”

4) The rehab must be for drugs, alcohol, or homosexuality. Evidence that that celebrity is in rehab must be confirmed by a legitimate news source; The National Enquirer doesn’t count, but AP or Reuters does.

5) Only guesses within the first 48 hours of each monthly contest count. If the contest starts on the 27th, guesses are only good until noon on the 29th of each month.

6) Leave your guess in the comments section; please, don’t forget to add your email address so that we can contact you. We will not, however, sell, barter, or eat your email address (in fact, unless you win, we won’t even bother to check that you entered it). Only one winner per month; the contest ends when we arbitrarily decide to end it.

And with that: Take your guesses.

I'm sure you're all just giddy with anticipation to see what grandiose plans Britney Spears has for her follow up video to "Gimmie More." Well, since this is Fats McObvious we're talking about here -- uh, yeah -- it's gonna be filmed in a club. Again.

A set source tells Us that since Spears, 25, has a scheduled visit with sons Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, on Tuesday, she will only be available to film for two hours, between noon and 2 p.m. During that time she will shoot scenes where she dances on a bar and runs down a staircase. There will be 15 extras, as well as a body double for Brit.

A rep for Miss Piggy denied that her client was involved in the project -- but come on. Where else are you going to find a body double for Britney Spears with hooves and a snout who can run down stairs and dance on a bar? Nice try pig, but we're onto you.

Remember the 10th grade? And remember how English teachers would assign 700-word papers, and it felt like your head was going to esplode because you couldn't imagine stringing together that many words? So, when you finally sat down to do it, you just began rambling -- writing whatever came to mind, no matter how tedious, banal, or pointless?

Yeah, well: Imagine what would happen if Perez Hilton -- who has probably never written a post on his blog more than 12 words -- were asked by a major fucking newspaper to submit a 700-word piece. And after the editorial department spent the better part of a day on it, this is what remains: Listless, worthless drivel about his goddamn dog. Here's a taste:

A lot of my friends have dogs, too, so I can’t wait to take him on play dates, but he hasn’t had his shots yet. I don’t think I’ll put him on Facebook - that’s for people with time to waste. For a treat, he likes pig’s ears. It’s kind of gross, but he’s teething and likes something to bite through. I’ve also invested in a dog trainer - it’s a must in Hollywood. The trainer says it’s important to get the dog to do things - sit, stay, fetch - and it takes a minimum of eight sessions. I’ll make the investment, of course; as many lessons as are needed. After all, my family has learnt from its mistakes. Coquito - it means Coconut in Spanish; we’re Latino - wasn’t trained, because my mom and sister bought him after I had already left to go to college in New York. I came back, and he was doing everything everywhere.

We’ve already got him some Christmas presents. My mom got him a little sweater outfit, and maybe I’ll get him a doggy massage. They’re good for humans, so why not for dogs? There are dog psychics here, too, but I think they’re a waste of money. Then there are pet cemeteries . . . I haven’t even thought about where Teddy will be laid to rest - I’ve got to talk to my mom and sister. If I move house in a couple of years, I’ll find out how to bury him properly in the backyard and have a place to remember him.

And if you made it through just those two paragraphs, you've got superhuman abilities to stay awake, though big ups to Perez for sneaking in a reference to attending college, because there is no way anyone would otherwise believe it from reading his article.

Zac Hanson, the youngest member of the suck-pop outfit Hanson, has revealed that he and his wife Kate are expecting their first child.

"I am utterly thrilled at the thought of becoming a father," says Zac, 22. "I can't wait to meet this person." Adds Kate, 23, "This is the most amazing time for us. It's the most romantic thing we've ever done."

There's just something so magical when a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love -- and before you know it, he puts his MMMBop into his fair maiden's DooWop and they make a little Ba'doo Yeah.

"Scrubs" creator Bill Lawrence was quoted as saying at the recent New York Comedy Festival that Tara Reid was his least favorite guest star to appear on the show, due to the fact that she always ranked of booze and cigarettes. Although I am just amazed that the booze and smoke apparently was so prominent over the delightful "spoiled tuna and farts" odor that one would theoretically associate with Tara Reid. Who knows though, maybe the guy was just trying to be nice. Who says chivalry is dead?

Now, you too can write your own Will Ferrell movie with just a few clicks of your mouse. (College Humor)

Nobody loves Heidi Klum's breasts more than she does. (IDLYITW)

Kate Walsh frolics on the beach in skin-colored clothing. Savvy. (Egotastic)

Portia de Rossi gives good dry, clinical lesbian action. (Yeeeah!)

Julia Roberts dissed Angelina Jolie, claims she could've played mixed race better than her. (Celebitchy)

Demi Moore demands respect by posing for Vanity Fair in her skivvies. (Agent Bedhead)

Kid Rock: Philosopher. (Evil Beet)

Looking for the perfect holiday treat? How about some spotted dick? (Amazon)

The noize has been silenced, folks.

Kevin DuBrow, the lead singer of the 1980s heavy metal band Quiet Riot, has died, CNN has confirmed. He was 52.

I hope it wasn't the Metal Health that drove him mad.

R.I.P. Mr. DuBrow.

Kate Hudson: Drunk? Or Zombie?

You make the call.

You know what? I know she's 18 now. And I know that, on her birthday, the men of Fark probably had a huge celebratory circle jerk, but come on! No guy over the age of 25 can feel good about finding her attractive -- it's impossible for most men that age to look at her without leering. She's clearly exploiting the huge, over-tapped pedophilia market. And it's creepy. Plain, fucking creepy. Come on, Hayden -- I know you're not terribly bright, but surely you know that posing for pictures like the ones above only invites men with slicked-back pony tails in overcoats to adore you even more.

I know you're angling to be this generation's Lolita, but maybe you don't understand that Lolita's boyfriend was a man by the name of Humbert Humbert, a man who intended to use sedatives to sleep with his step-daughter. Nymphet is not an image that's going to give you any sort of Hollywood longevity,  Hayden. You know what happened to Lolita? She was knocked up and destitute by the time she was 17. Is that the fate you're hoping for?

Former "Bachelor" contestant Mary Delgado was arrested on battery charges for assaulting her fiancee, aforementioned bachelor Byron Velvick last week.

Police say that Delgado and Velvick, who appeared on the Bachelor's sixth season, got in an angry confrontation at 12:15 on Wednesday morning. According to police, Delgado hit Velvick in the face, splitting his upper lip. Velvick refused medical treatment at the scene.

In related news, this marks the first time ever I have felt regret over having not ever watched "Bachelor." I hope you're listening out there, "Bachelor" execs. Fisticuffs = ratings gold. Oh, and a little babymomma drama probably wouldn't hurt, either. Also, if you could get Jerry Springer to host, it would be damn near perfect. Now there is a show I would watch.

Big news in TV land over the weekend; Elizabeth Berkley, a.k.a. Jesse Spano, has been signed on as a recurring character on "C.S.I. Miami." She's been tapped to play Horatio's (David Caruso) ex-wife.

We caught up with Caruso, and asked him how he felt about the casting decision. Here's what he said:

Caruso (removes sunglasses for dramatic affect): Berkley? Is that ... the woman ... who ... fucked a stripper ... pole ... in Showgirls? (puts on sunglasses for dramatic affect) The verdict ... is in: She's ... hot. (removes sunglasses for dramatic affect). I'd ... hit that ... I'd love to ... be her ... A.C. Slater. (puts on sunglasses for dramatic affect). I'll be in ... my trailer ... if you ... need ... anything ... (removes sunglasses for dramatic affect) else.

In the latest episode of "Hogan Knows Jack Shit," Hulk Hogan's wife Linda has filed for divorce after 24 years of marriage. To make matters even more awesome, Hogan didn't even know about it until a Times reporter broke the news to him.

He thanked the reporter for the "great information" then called back five minutes later to say, "I'm kind of shocked. You caught me off-guard. My wife has been in California for about three weeks. ... Holy smokes. Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me. ... I just pulled over to the side of the road for five minutes to find out what was going on here."

Between not even being aware of his own marriage ending, raising an unrepentant, borderline manslaughterer son and whoring out of his gender-ambiguous teenage daughter -- I'm don't know if  "Family Man of the Year" is the right way to go here. I know we're only eight years in, but I'm thinking "Family Man of the Millennium."

Joe Francis is once again imploring the public for sympathy -- this time claiming abuse at the hands of guards during his brief stay in an Oklahoma jail. Hope your eyes don't fall out of your head from rolling so violently.

Guards at the Grady County Law Enforcement Center denied Joe Francis food and blankets and threatened to strap him naked to a chair for 48 hours, Francis' attorneys alleged last month in court papers seeking his release on bail in a Florida case, The Oklahoman reported.

The only thing I would find unjust about strapping Joe Francis naked to a chair is if he wasn't sprayed down with an icy hose before being slathered in molasses and having fire ants dumped in his crotch while secured. But since there was never even a remote threat of any of this happening in the first place because Joe Francis is a crybaby liar, I guess the point is moot.

Check this out: The newest float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade: Donnie Darko's Frank the Bunny, who prophesies that the world will end in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds. Happy Thanksgiving, kids!

Killer!

Paul Barresi, a porn star-cum-private dick (pun intended) who has been investigating Tom Cruise for the past six years, has finally concluded that Cruise is not gay after all, stating that "There hasn't been one piece of solid evidence to prove that he's gay."

Well, you know what I say to that? If Christians can continue to deny the theory of evolution despite irrefutable evidence to the contrary -- than I certainly don't have to take the word of some "private investigator" regarding Tom Cruise's sexuality. In fact, if this Barresi guy showed me a picture of Tom ball-deep in some lady, I'd still shake my head and say, "Yep, there pounds the saddest, most pathetic closet gay I've ever seen."

I know I'm a little late to the party with this, since Thanksgiving was technically yesterday -- but what am I thankful for this season? Well, naked weddings, obviously. Oh, and also this guy's ass and jubbly man titters. And the internet, for conveniently bringing it all to me. God bless you, internet!

Stank Defined: A strong unpleasant odor.

Mariah Carey launched her new fragrance "M by Mariah Carey" at Macy's earlier this week, for anyone who's ever wondered what Mariah Carey stank smells like. My guess is fat girl sweat mixed with butterfly poo covered in glitter. But hey, at least it comes in a really fancy bottle.

You think I have something sarcastic to say about Kevin Bacon helping to feed the homeless? Well, fuck you -- I'm not that cynical. Jesus. A man can't show a little sincerity and compassion without some two-bit blogger giving him a hard time? I'm not going to be that guy. It's Thanksgiving for God's sake. Good for you, Kevin. Most starletards don't even realize that french fries come from those potatoes and the closest they come to helping the needy on Thanksgiving is stepping around a homeless man on a heater grate instead of stepping over him.

Bravo, Mr. Bacon. You've just brought scores of underprivileged folks within one degree of you.

Check out the craptacular movie poster for Katie Holmes craptacular new movie. (Ayyyy!)

Eva Longoria loves the wiener. I mean loooves it. (Celebslam)

Christina flashes her "birthin' hole" for eagerly waiting cameras. (Celebitchy)

The doctor who killed Kanye's mom gives the big F-U to Larry King. (Jossip)

Even the fake Paris Hilton is sick of Paris Hilton. (Agent Bedhead)

Britney Spears will be disappointed when she figures out what Private Dick really means. (Yeeeah!)

Kerri Russell stars in another movie that will turn your innards to mush -- in a good way. (Pajiba)

It's just a banana, folks. That's all there is to this picture. Shia LaBeouf is eating a banana while wearing a suit and walking. I don't have anything else to offer you. Just Shia LaBeouf. And a banana. A banana that is not a metaphor for life. It's not a phallic substitute, or indicative of something bigger and more prurient. It's just a banana. Being eaten by a celebrity. A yellow curvy fruit. High in potassium and vitamin C. Seedless. Grown in tropical areas. And enjoyed by Shia LaBeouf. And millions of other people across the world.

Provoke Defined: Stimulate or give rise to (a reaction or emotion, typically a strong or unwelcome one) in someone.

Mike Tyson had to report to an Arizona jail yesterday to serve one day in connection with 2006 drunk driving and cocaine possession charges, where he was forced to wear pink socks and underwear courtesy of Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Arpaio, the self proclaimed "toughest sheriff in America," believes pink has a psychological calming effect on inmates.

Calming effect, my ass. Somebody needs to sit this crazy motherfucker down with a copy of Rambo: First Blood -- STAT. Because if there's one thing we can all learn from Rambo, it's that you don't humiliate and provoke mentally unstable prisoners with superhuman strength. I shouldn't even have to mention that this goes double if the prisoner in question has already developed a taste for human flesh. It doesn't take a freaking criminal justice degree to know there's only one way to deal with a guy like Mike Tyson: raw meat -- lots of raw meat -- laced with enough sedatives to take down a small rhino.

Below: Mikey and his pink socks, being taken into custody.

I haven't the first idea what possessed me for the first time in months to click over onto Perez Hilton's garish gossip blog, where the English language goes to die. But, while I was there, I couldn't help but notice a quick story he posted about how Jonathan Rhys Meyer's recent arrest at a Dublin airport for drunk and disorderly conduct may have had something to do with the death of his mother, who had been ill for the past few weeks and sadly passed away yesterday in a Irish hospital. And along with this little story, Perez included the above photo -- tactful, Mr. Hilton. A man's mother has just passed and you etch-a-sketch semen on his lips. Even classier: His headline suggests that Meyers was the one who died.

You are a winner, Perez.

Favorite Defined: Preferred before all others of the same kind.

Oprah unveiled her annual list of "Oprah's Favorite Things" on Tuesday, which naturally contained the usual assortment of crap for rich, boring white people -- including $59 mail-order cupcakes, a Josh Groban Christmas album, fancy Scrabble, Oprah's Guide to Life, overpriced skincare, and these bizarre pantsuits for fat housewives who just don't care anymore.

Noticeably missing from the list of Oprah's Favorite Things? Stedman. I heard she considered him this year but ultimately went with the sorbet instead.

Whopper Defined: A gross or blatant lie.

After doing some crack investigative reporting, Us Weekly has uncovered some unsavory tidbits into Britney Spears' past. As it turns out, not only does the Spears family have a history of mental illness, but Britney was hardly the chaste teen role model she was made out to be.

Lawyer Eric Ervin, who worked with Spears as a teenager, tells Us Weekly in its new cover story that the "virgin" image Spears portrayed was, in his words, a "PR blitz." In fact, Us reports in its new issue that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.

You mean the walking fetish with the miniskirt and pigtails moaning "Oh baby baby" has actually been having sex this whole time? Well I for one, am appalled and disillusioned. See kids, this is exactly why you don't tell lies. Somebody told the world one hell of a whopper, and now the world is paying for it as Britney Spears gradually spreads her filth and disease to all of mankind.

Ms. Whopper herself, finding more creatures to neglect at Petco last weekend.