Genius Defined
Exceptional intellectual or creative power or other natural ability.

In much the same way that the theory states that a thousand monkeys typing on a thousand typewriters for a thousand years could produce the works of Shakespeare, it was only a matter of time before some garbled nonsense spewed out of Paris Hilton's mouth smacks of genius. As it turns out, Paris is being praised by conservationists for her much ridiculed statements last week regarding the horrors of drunken elephants, which apparently become intoxicated after breaking onto Indian farms and drinking homemade rice beer. Oy.

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

Last month, six wild elephants that broke into a farm in the state of Meghalaya were electrocuted after drinking the potent brew and then uprooting an electricity pole.

"There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn't chased them away. And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad," Hilton was quoted as saying in Tokyo last week.

Wow, the crazy thing about this is that we have a similar problem over here in the states -- only instead of "elephants" it's "Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton." Somebody should really put a stop to them. Unfortunately, even if we did have a crack team of villagers to chase them away, we also have stupid assholes with cameras to lure them back. It's just one of those complex, problem issues with no easy solution.

Editor's note: This story has been redacted. So, yeah -- everything is right in the world again.