Killjoy Defined

Someone who wants to ruin someone else's fun; a person who takes the fun out of things for other people.

Carl Bernstein -- the one in All the President's Men played by Dustin Hoffman, i.e., the uncool half of Woodward and Bernstein -- blames the lack of public affairs journalism on a culture "coarsened by celebrity news."

He said more resources are being devoted to the lifestyles of celebrities such as Donald Trump and Paris Hilton. Bernstein, 63, said he believes an "idiot culture" is partly to blame for the dysfunction of political life in the United States.

Oh, get off it, Carl. Don't be such a goddamn killjoy. You know what, fella? There may be significantly more celebrity news outlets today, but there's no lack of public-affairs journalism, either. The problem is the suckitude of public-affairs journalists -- Bill O'Reilly, Anne Coulter, Hannity and Colmes -- take your pick, fat boy. We get our news from freakin' Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, and Stephen Colbert because there's more goddamn truth in one of their jokes than an entire nightly newscast on CBS.

And you gotta lot a nerve blaming the dysfunction of political life on the "idiot culture," when the idiots in office contribute substantially to that culture. You want to know why people would rather read and talk about Paris Hilton and Donald motherfucking Trump? Because the meaningless, blathering nonspeak of politicians somehow manages to be even less substantive than what Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have to contribute to the American conversation. Journalist report news -- and as soon as a goddamn politician does something newsworthy, I'm sure they'll rearrange their resources to report on it. But, for now, the major political story of the last month is about a man who decided to take up tap in a airport bathroom; somehow, I don't think that the public affairs journalist are missing much.

You want news, buddy? Dial up the Internet, you crotchety bastard. You can learn more about Lindsay Lohan's cooter and the Iraq War surfing blogs for 15 minutes than you could on an entire episode of The McLaughlin Group. We just process things a lot quicker these days, Mr. Bernstein -- we can separate the substance from the chaff in half a second, which usually isn't much of a problem when there's more chafe than substance, anyway.