I have no idea what Vince Vaughn did in the hours culminating in this photo, but I can guarantee one thing: The look he has suggests that, come the next morning, he's going to unleash one helluva room clearing, two-match, three flush beer shit. That poor bastard ain't gonna know what hit him.

Constatine Maroulis will work for food. (Yeeeah!)

David Schwimmer thinks he can just coast on that "Friends" charm damn near forever. (Ayyyy!)

Lindsay Lohan accepts the "Special People's Award." (Evil Beet)

Did K-Fed spend one night in Paris? I think my barf just barfed. (Celebslam)

And on a related note, Sting sucks his wife's feet. The woman's feet, for chrissakes! (The Blemish)

Everybody loves them some Jewel Saite! (usemycomputer)

Giorgio Armani is kinda hunky for a septuagenarian. Just sayin'. (Dlisted)

Mr. Bean overcompensates. (Agent Bedhead)

The lack of intelligence in this photo is stunning. You could throw a couple of prokaryotic organisms into a petri dish and generate more brain power than the hurricane of retardation swirling around in this image. Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton sharing the same air space? I'm amazed that the black hole of vacuity hasn't sucked the rest of the partygoers into its empty maw. Hell, there is more intelligence in their venereal diseases than in their brains, and honestly, if I had to choose whether to spend New Year's Eve with K-Fed and Paris Hilton, or their chlamydia, I think I'd crack open the antibiotics and start dancing!

We'd like to congratulate Jennifer Garner today, for her hometown newspaper has honored her as West Virginian of the Year.

Garner is balancing the raising of her 2-year-old daughter Violet, her marriage with fellow actor Ben and a career that includes a starring role in Cyrano de Bergerac on Broadway, the new film Juno, and two more films yet to shoot.

And while we here at WIMB don't want to take anything away from Mrs. Garner, the competition wasn't exactly fierce. Indeed, she just narrowly beat out beat out this guy, who invented a brand of moonshine that mixes perfectly with Dr. Pepper:

Congradumalations all the same, Jennifer.

I could make a joke right now about how Lindsay Lohan lifted that dress from Jem or one of the Holograms, and that all she needs to complete the look are some candy colored heels, earrings with little LED lights in them, and fuchsia eyeshadow up to her eyebrows... But I'm far too in love with the fact that she's trying her damnedest to look sexy, while unfortunately yet strategically standing in front of a light fixture that makes it look like she's wearing a crown of antlers.

On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen! On Commet, Cupid, Whorey and Blitzen!

See that lovely young lady to the left? Yeah, that's Penelope Cruz, y'all. And here she's making out with another woman in her brother's sexy new music video. Awesome, right? Who doesn't love to see two attractive lesbians swapping spit, biting lips, and pawing chests, huh?

Wondering who that sexy thing to the right is?

That's Penelope's sister, Monica.

Er. This just went from sexy to weird. I think I want my money back.

Here's the entire video, which not only features some hot sister-on-sister action, but the two Cruz sisters are also getting weirdly frisky with their brother. Is there something about the Spanish culture that I wasn't aware of? I think I missed the chapter about incestual lesbianism in my European Studies 101 class. Freaky.

It looks like acting super-couple Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are joining Brendan Fraser and his wife in divorce court. After 11 years of marriage and two children together, the couple is splitting, so reports People Magazine. No reasons were immediately released, but the odds are that Robin Wright precipitated the divorce because, after 11 years, she finally realized she was married to Sean Penn, who could fuel an entire nuclear power reactor with his self-righteousness, and whose tendency to wildly overact likely extends into the bedroom as well, where he always goes overboard with the dirty talk. And, after 11 years of hearing Sean scream, "Fuck me, Fuck me like a Mack Truck plunging off a cliff and hurtling toward the scrap yard in the sky, you bitch, you bitch, you bitch!!!" she probably figured it was time to find a guy who could turn it down a notch or two. 

Your daily dose of Britney skanking it up. (usemycomputer)

Casey Aldridge, you are NOT the father! (Yeeeah!)

Well John Mayer, bragging about being taller than bloggers certainly qualifies you as douchie. Since you were wondering and all. (Agent Bedhead)

Jessica Alba bumpwatch. (Evil Beet)

The most self important union next to Brangelina has effectively crumbled. (IDLYITW)

Ivanka Trump shows off her assets. And not the "financial" kind, either. (The Blemish)

Sharon Osbourne makes poor African children massage her ass. What?! (Best Celeb Gossip)

Oh, go suck a fat one, Oprah. (Pajiba)

Lily Allen is seen here posing with the father of her unborn child -- I mean, a giant stuffed tiger. Because you know what's always more fun than the jerk who got you knocked up at 22 and ruined your life? Giant stuffed animals. Yep, stuffed animals and booze -- the latter of which you're no longer allowed to enjoy. Sorry about that.

Just weeks after announcing her pregnancy, Jessica Alba has confirmed that she and Cash Warren are engaged. Jessica Alba, blah blah. Engaged, blah blah. I'm sorry, but Jessica Alba honestly just bores the fucking bejeezus out of me. But good for her, I guess. Nothing says, "It's time to get hitched" like "I put a baby in there." I know I always imagined my wedding night with a Shirley Temple in hand while barfing up my wedding cake.

A statement released today said that Madonna's directorial debut, Filth and Wisdom is set to premiere at the Berlin film festival February of next year. While I don't have any psychic powers per se, I think it's pretty safe to say this movie is going to suck with the mighty force of a thousand Hoovers. It is going to blow like Moonlight Bunny Ranch on "Hummer Tuesday."

Because let's face it -- Madonna was only ever really good at two things: writhing around scantily clad and wearing tight-fitting leather outfits. I wouldn't even put "singing" in the top two. And Madonna's involvement in a film is pretty much the equivalent of the involvement of toxic black mold in the walls of your house: it's the touch of fucking death.

Hear that everybody? That would be the "whooshing" sound of a Keds endorsement unceremoniously being yanked from under two sensibly white sneakered feet -- for Mischa Barton has finally ripened into the substance abusing, reckless driving miscreant starletard we all knew damn well she was. You work that gutter, baby -- you were made for it. Can I get a Hallelujah?

That Dax Shepard must have a jewel encrusted wang made out of solid gold, or something. (Evil Beet)

'Bout time you get your sweet ass back to work, slacker! (Yeeeah!)

That French model lied about porking Tony Parker. Good thing no one's marriage was almost totally ruined or anything. (The Blemish)

The world's biggest vagina. Spoiler alert -- it's not Britney's! (DListed)

Jennifer Aniston might be PREGGERNANT! Suck on that, Brange! (Celebitchy)

Jack Osbourne is starting to look like an Astronomy prof I had in college -- all he needs to do is start shaving half his face and age about 60 years to complete the look. What? Yes I went to college. (cityrag)

Lohan shows off her shiny, spandex covered gams. (Popoholic)

Is it still too soon to make fun of Kanye? Well, his crib is for sale if anyone's interested... Smoke free, smells slightly of inflated ego. Zing! (Pop on the Pop)

Hey Brendan! What'd you get for Christmas? I mean, besides a bad hair transplant?

Oh. A divorce?

Santa is a motherfucker.

 

Sooo... Fergie and Josh Duhamel announced their engagement yesterday. I bet you're all expecting for me to make some mean joke at their expense, but that's where you're wrong. Who am I to naysay their love? Anyway, isn't it supposed to be all romantic and shit when pretty people fall in love with ugly people, despite their inherent ugliness? That's why Beauty and the Beast is such a timeless classic. Far be it from me to argue with "a tale as old as time."

That's what Paris is getting: jack shit.

Hope all that famewhoring was worth it; dragging your grandpappy's name through the mud. Have fun living off the residuals of 1 Night in Paris!

Source.

Following last week's "I Love New York 2" finale, it's been revealed that Tiffany "New York" Pollard is engaged to winner Tailor Made a.k.a. George Weisgerber, a 32-year-old retail planner from Queens.

As an ardent fan of the "I Love New York" franchise, this is kind of a slap in the face. For one thing, if New York really gets married, that pretty much puts the kibosh on any future "I Love New York" seasons. But more importantly -- Tailor Made?! After two seasons and forty men and she finally chooses this pussy?! With his pink shirts, facial masks and small wiener?

As a crazy-ass bitch myself, I used to feel almost as though I shared a kinship with New York -- minus the fake hair, boobs, eyelashes and STD's, of course. But now? New York, it's like I don't even know you at all.

If there's one thing that can be said about Lindsay Lohan, it's that she's got impeccable taste in men. Ex-boyfriend Riley Giles wasn't going to let a little thing like "getting dumped by Linday Lohan" get him down -- hell no! Not a fresh-faced, spunky young go-getter like him! After selling intimate details about their sex life to News of the World, Giles is now selling personal photographs the couple took while they were together.

Now that's what I call an entrepreneur. Lindsay should have considered herself lucky to have a guy like that -- but I guess some girls just don't appreciate a man with real business savvy. Her loss!

Jealous, ladies? While you may have had a fabulous Christmas, let me assure you it was nowhere near as good as Nicolette Sheridan's -- who spent the holiday cavorting on a beach with this sizzling hunk of man meat commonly known as Michael Bolton. Bet that cashmere scarf you got is looking pretty shit-tay right about now, eh?

Paris Hilton's whore brother didn't fall far from the Whore Tree. (The Blemish)

Say Cheese! The top ten mugshots of 2008. (Celebslam)

Dammit celebrities. The holidays are over already -- now get back to business as usual. (Ayyyy!)

Another story of Nicole Richie being all "Queen Charity." Sigh... (Evil Beet)

Will Smith says really, really stupid things; regrets it. (Celebitchy)

K. Fed continues his campaign for Father of the Year by rounding up all 50 of his kids for a trip to Disneyland. (Wendy Wayward)

Somebody steals Posh's shit from her dressing room. (DListed)

Something is looking, uh... off about Mrs. Claus. (BestCelebGossip)

If you're like me, you saw a headline over the weekend that said, "Pitbull Arrested For Drunk Driving" and thought it was one of those wacky human interest stories like drunk babies, hero dogs and children getting sued. But if you really are like me, you're probably not "hip" to rap music either -- so let me be the first to inform you that "Pitbull" is actually the name of a rapper, a.k.a "Armando Perez." Ohhhhh. From Mr. Perez's lawyer:

"With respect to Armando Perez' arrest this morning, this is to inform you that Mr. Perez will be pleading not guilty to all charges. This is all the unfortunate result of a misunderstanding. Mr. Perez and his legal team are confident that these charges will not be upheld."

A misunderstanding?! The only misunderstanding I see here is that if you're a rapper named Pitbull, you should be getting arrested for putting a cap in somebody's ass or biting off a guy's face -- not some pussy drunk driving charge. Otherwise, you're pretty much a failure at being a rapper named Pitbull.

Amy Winehouse has been restricted from visiting husband Blake Fielder-Civil in prison, after failing a drug test. No, no, no... Here's the beauty of it -- he's the one who failed the drug test. Since Fielder-Civil tested positive for a Class A substance thought to be heroin last week, Winehouse is now only allowed to visit him from behind a glass screen.

You have to admit, this is pretty incredible. It's like Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are some kind of junkie super heroes, invincible against the evil clutches of sobriety. You think a glass screen is going to stop Amy Winehouse? She probably has some kind of secret power that allows her to radiate smack to get a man high from up to a three miles radius. Nice try, criminal justice system -- but clearly you're fighting a losing battle.

Katherine Heigl has married musician Josh Kelley at a resort in Park City, Utah.

Heigl, who portrays Dr. Izzie Stevens on "Grey's Anatomy," and the recording artist tied the knot Sunday in front of a small group of family and friends in a tent outside the Stein Eriksen Lodge, according to CelebTV.com.

Well, we know what Josh Kelley got for Christmas this year: Cancer of the Soul. A human-sized chunk of coal. A stocking full of misery. Some messed up mistletoe.

That poor bastard.

Jamie Lynn is afraid of her sister. Join the club, honey... Join the club. (IDLYITW)

Good news for Jessica: Her movie will only be the worst in cinematic history 'til this turd comes out. (Best Celeb Gossip)

Daaamn. Sarah Silverman sporting some dark-ass circles under her eyes. (usemycomputer)

Gnarled, hunched up Ashley Olsen looks like a damn witch. (The Blemish)

Nobody wants to party with Michael Jackson. Nobody. (Celebslam)

Lily Allen is getting her own TV show. Dang, and I was hoping for Good Morning Winehouse. (Evil Beet)

Deets on the Britney paparazzi-fucking incident. Merry Christmas! (DListed)

Worst casting decision of all time? (Pajiba)

Britney's lookin' a little niptizzal; she might want to avoid plate-glass windows for a while -- I wouldn't suggest reenacting that signature scene from Catholic Schoolgirl Are Easy, either, lest she cut herself on the glass shower door.

Oh, and apparently, this shirt brought her good luck; she fucked a paparazzi later that day. Congrats Britney -- you've managed to fuck someone lower than you on the food-chain.

Britney classics:
 

Former child star Danielle Fishel, a.k.a "Topanga" was busted for drunk driving last Thursday in Los Angeles after officers stopped the car she was driving shortly before 5 a.m. Fishel was taken in to the station and booked, but released from jail shortly after her arrest.

Congratulations, Topanga! You've finally clawed your way from child star obscurity into child star notoriety. From here on out, the possibilities are practically endless! "The Surreal Life," "Celebrity Fit Club," or "Celebrity Rehab" -- you name it. Or if you're really lucky, you might even land one of those "Dancing/Skating with Celebrities" type shows. And that's network TV, baby. The sky's the limit!

Rosebud Defined: 1. (A literary reference to) a pretty young girl; 2. Charles Foster Kane's final word, a reference to his sled (and his mother's love).

 

It's official! Jessica Simpson's new movie is s total bomb. The blondetard's new direct-to-DVD film, Blonde Ambition, was given a reprieve this weekend by way of limited theatrical release in Simpson's home state of Texas. However, even in limited release it only made $384 on it's opening night -- estimating that 48 people paid to see it.

Three hundred and eighty-four dollars. This is possibly the worst movie in cinematic history. Even Gigli and Battlefield Earth probably took in quadruple digits. It's like a Christmas miracle or something. Thanks Santa! Or Jesus, or whoever -- this is the best Christmas ever!

H/T, Agent Bedhead!

Scarlett Johansson, who has kept a modest profile for the last few months after an early 2006 that saw her metaphorically rubbing her cleavage into everyone's face, has sought to expand the popularity of her chest beyond America. She recently posed for a photo shoot in the Belgium edition of Elle magazine. The language in Belgium, however, is difficult to translate; they speak French, German, and Dutch, and use a host of local dialects.

However, we here at Webster's is my Bitch once again have exclusive scoop on the pull-quote on the picture above. We have assembled a crack-team of translators, and according to our experts, the pull quote in red reads: "She has a beautiful pair of breasts, but in the head: Nothing but rocks. You could launch a space shuttle out of the empty space between her ears. There's always a vacancy, but the light is never on."

It's good to know that Belgians and Americans both think alike.

Pete Doherty is shopping around a porn-ocumentary (?) featuring his ex, Kate Moss. (The Blemish)

Oh Thora, Thora... Where for art thou, Thora? (usemycomputer)

Megan Fox is totally the poor man's Angelina Jolie. (Popoholic)

Hey meth-mouth! Why so scabby? (Yeeeah!)

The Simpson sisters have become "bloated with fail." Hahaha. (Agent Bedhead)

Deets from the pregnancy-gate OK! interview reveal that Jamie Lynn met her BabyDaddy in church, and he's also 18. (Celebitchy)

Blonde samurai or Sharon Stone? You make the call. (Ayyyy!)

How I loves me some Michael C. Hall "Dexter" yumminess! (Pajiba)

What's this? PETA doing something culturally relevant and appropriately pertinent to their cause? Of course not! So instead, here's some more naked people. This time, protesting M&M's, which are clearly the biggest threat to animal rights these days.

Has it occurred to anyone else that maybe the masterminds behind PETA don't give a crap about animals, but are really just a bunch of pervs who are in on some grand scale elaborate ruse to trick people into getting naked? Normally I wouldn't condone that sort of behavior, but if that's the case... Well, my hat's off to you, sirs.

Photos very marginally NSFW, like maybe if you work with very small children, devout Mormons or the elderly.

Remember a few months ago, when Democratic Presidential Candidate, Joe Biden, got himself in a thicket of trouble for calling Barack Obama the first African-American running for president who is actually "clean and a nice-looking guy"?

I wonder what he'd say about Taye Diggs. I mean, he's wearing a Tide t-shirt!

Personally, I'll take Taye Diggs dirty. And, I mean, dirty. The filthy, nasty, unspeakable things I could do with that man and a refrigerator full of ripe fruit. Lord, hold me back.

Fearing a nationwide epidemic of young girls stumbling around with babies literally spilling out of their vaginas, Nickelodeon is considering airing a special about sex in the wake of flagship actress Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy.

Personally, I think Nickelodeon is the last place kids need to be hearing about sex from. There's a reason why there was never an episode of "You Can't Do That On Television" where Barth knocked up Christine behind the cafeteria and she had to put the baby up for adoption. When I was a kid I learned about sex the old fashioned way -- from my parents leaving their porn all over the house. And I turned out just fine! Sure, sometimes I secretly cut myself and drink alone, but at least I didn't get pregnant when I was sixteen.

Well now, what do we have here? I've never seen Bai Ling look so cute and festive -- like a little Sugarplum Fairy or something! And nary a nipple in sight! Of course -- since this is still Bai Ling after all -- naturally the look wouldn't be complete without Band-Aids on her legs displaying a festive holiday greeting.

Clearly she's showing restraint. If she wasn't attending a "Toys For Toys" function, those Band-Aids would likely be used in a much more creative way... One which would probably make the part of her dress from the waist up unnecessary.

Looks like Tom Arnold has finally hit rock bottom:

CMT has placed an eight-episode order for My Big Redneck Wedding, a new unscripted series hosted by Tom Arnold. Each episode will focus on the wedding of a ''down-home country couple'' and all their ''rustic eccentricities,'' like a beer-can canopy, a celebratory shotgun salute, and a reception featuring mud wrestling and mattress surfing.

Oh, I can't wait. I understand that the first episode of "My Big Redneck Wedding" will focus on the wedding of Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge. It's set to be held in gun and tackle shop next to a beauty parlor. The 11-year-old flower girl will herself be knocked up; the drunken bride will wear a wedding dress fashioned from an old Confederate flag; and groom will be decked out in a camouflage tuxedo with a hunter orange bow-tie. Dinner will consist of fried crawl deads, Hamburger Helper, and cans of Miller Light. Party favors will include tins of Skoal and old tires. It will be officiated by a gun-wielding Baptist pastor who quotes liberally from the Left Behind series. And the Maid of Honor, Britney Spears, of course will undoubtedly attempt to fuck the host before the ceremony.

It's going to be the best show ever.

A glimpse of Britney's redneckery:

 

Hey! Speaking of rotten tuna fish, Lindsay Lohan has replaced drugs and alcohol with vagina! (Yeeeah!)

Here's a terrible idea: Remake Pretty Woman. And you know who should star? Jessica Simpson. Head Meet Hole. (IDLYITW)

The Beet brings you the first images of lil Alba, who probably looks like a sea monkey right now. (Evil Beet)

If you woke up this morning asking yourself, "How can I save the world from robots?" then have I got a link for you. (QuizLaw)

J.Love won't be appearing in Playboy anytime soon. At least until she needs the green. (Celebitchy)

A primer in avoiding pregnancy (spoiler alert: Keep the semen on the outside). (Fatback and Collards)

Why would anyone want to see Ivanka Trump's under-bra? (Derek Hail)

Now Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Nah -- but she did give birth to a new video. (poponthepop)

In papers filed yesterday, Tony Parker sued the paparazzi agency, X17, in L.A. County Superior Court, claiming that the agency fabricated the allegations accusing him of having an affair with a French model shortly after his marriage to Eva Longoria. In the papers, Tony asserts:

"I really, really, really did not have an affair with Alexandra Paressant. I completely disavow all allegations; I did not have sexual relations with this woman on the floor of a Red Roof Inn outside of New Orleans, and I most certainly did not ask this woman to bang me Britney-style on top of a bed of Doritos Ranch-flavored chips. I reiterate I have never, ever laid eyes upon this woman, and if I had, I would definitely not ask her why she ratted me out after she promised that she'd never tell anyone and why did she take that $20,000 if she was just going to turn around and open her huge fucking pie hole the week after I got married, you fucking bitch, Why would you do this to me? I thought we had something special? I was going to leave her, just as soon as the honeymoon was over. I swear.

Parker is demanding $20 million for defamation damages.

Hey check it out, it's Hollywood! I always wondered what ever happened to that guy. Ooh, ooh! Hey Hollywood! Remember that time you totally sprayed those cops down with that firehose? That was awesome. And all those thinly veiled gay innuendos you used to crack? Remember how great those were? Oh, Hollywood... You so crazy.

Some dude really named Simon Webbe at the I Am Legend premiere.

Douche-llusionist Criss Angel attended his birthday extravaganza at LAX Nightclub in Vegas last night, and is seen here diving head first into his birthday cake. You know that had to have given him some serious deja vu from his Britney Spears muff-diving days. If that cake was "rotten tuna fish" flavored, I bet if he closed his eyes he wouldn't even have known the difference.

Now that the initial shock of Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy has worn off, people are beginning to question how it happened. And, once again, Websters is my Bitch has put in the extra effort and gotten the worldwide exclusive on the details behind Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy. According to our very reliable sources, we're told that Jamie Lynn's boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, convinced her to have unprotected sex with and old stand-by: "Just the Tip," he said, our source tells WIMB. "Just for a minute. I want to see how it feels. I promise not to move."

Unfortunately, Casey broke that promise. "He said he fell completely inside of her," our source says. "He just fell. He lost his balance and accidentally pushed his way all the way inside, and then he sprung a leak," our source continued. "Afterwards, Casey told Jamie Lynn that the only way to avoid pregnancy was if they had unprotected sex so that he could 'send some of my men in for the rescue operation.''"

It's really unbelievable; that line has been working for generations. Nice job, Casey. Except for the whole pregnancy, of course.

Katie Holmes revealed in an interview with Parade Magazine that Tom Cruise's adopted kids with Nicole Kidman, Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12, call her Mom.

These poor kids -- they've got to choose from either Ice Queen, liquid nitrogen-wearing Mommy with an unflavored Snow Cone for a heart; or Daddy's vacant-eyed, Scientology lobotomy experiment surrogate Mommy. And not that those aren't fabulous choices or anything, but these kids are probably so emotionally numb and starved for attention, they'd be just as happy to call a Mrs. Potato Head or a particularly affectionate Golden Retriever "Mom" at this point.

Daaaamn, ladies! Just what the hell did the animal kingdom ever do to you? The last time I saw this much fur was when I took my niece to the zoo. Well I just hope you know what you've gotten yourselves into here, because y'know who really does not have the best sense of humor about stuff like this? PETA. And those people are some sick motherfuckers. Showing up to a public event looking like this, you're pretty much asking for the Luca Brasi treatment.