You ever have one of those days? Those days where absolutely everything goes wrong? Yeah -- even CNN anchors like myself with millions of dollars and ravishing good looks have those days. And it's been the day from hell for me. Wolf Blitzer stole my last yogurt out of the break room refrigerator, even though it clearly had my name written on it. And then I run into Jack Cafferty out in the hall -- God, I can't stand that bitch. At least once a week, that asshole corners me and starts ranting about all the tail I could get if I'd just switch teams. The son of a bitch wants to be my wingman, as if walking around with a balding jackass carrying a watered-down domestic beer was going to get me a lot of action at Manhole.

But the worst -- I mean -- the worst part of my day was the subway ride into work this morning. Don't get me wrong; I love riding the subway. I get my paper; jump on the train; don't have to deal with traffic; and, on most days, people leave me alone, by and large. It's New York City, you know? People have better things to do than hassle a late night cable anchor, right?

Well, this morning, I get on the subway, and I knew it was going to be that kind of day because I get stuck standing above this woman with eye makeup strategically placed everywhere but on her goddamn eyes, and I can hear the freakin' Bee Gees blaring out of her iPod headphones (if you're going to crank those puppies all the way up to 11, lady, at least put on some ABBA). And she just kept staring at me with these "boiling hot orbs of disbelief," like she'd never seen a dapper news anchor before.

So, I'm just trying to mind my own business, duck under the bill of my cap, and get to work without incident, but I could feel this woman ogling me surreptitiously like a sirloin steak at a vegetarian convention. She's not tactless enough to bug me on the train or anything, but I could sense she was having these amazingly creepy thoughts about me. And she kept staring at my hands, which is kind of embarrassing on account of the fact that today was the one day I forgot to rub them down with baby lotion. Of course, I never expected that some random stranger would be inspecting them like zirconium at a pawn shop.

So, I kind of brush my newspaper up against her, thinking she'd get the not-so-subtle hint and go back to playing solitaire on her iPod. But this woman just doesn't get it. She starts gawking at my crotch. On the subway! All the way to 50th Street. Honey, what were you hoping for? That Little Andy might unzip his way out of his holster and say hi? Don't hold your breath, sweetie. He doesn't make an appearance for just any random subway goer, you know?  

Creepy. Thankfully, she got off the train before I had to file for a restraining order. Strangest thing, though. As the subway was pulling away, I saw her doing cartwheels out of the turnstile like she was having the Greatest Day of Her Life.

Mad world, folks. It's a mad world.