Far be it for me to discredit some hilariously scurrilous gossip, but Andrew Morton's claims in his new unauthorized biography on Tom Cruise are ... well,I don't mean to suggest that they lack credibility, but there's a homeless guy I know that really needs $2 for gas money that's more believable than Morton. Among the outrageous allegations in the book, Morton is claiming that Suri Cruise was conceived using the frozen sperm from the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard. And while it's tempting to believe that Cruise is crazy enough to inseminate his rent-a-wife with another man's swimmers, I'm actually of the mind that Suri bears a genetic resemblance to Tom.

Some of the other claims put forward by Morton -- the famed autobiographer of Princess Diana -- were that Katie had to audition to be Cruise's girlfriend and won the part over Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johannson, and Kate Bosworth; that Cruise is the de-facto second-in-charge of the entire church; and that Cruise's next big project is to convert David Beckham to Scientology. And while it'd be a kick if the claims were true, Morton also posits that Cruise is completely heterosexual, which pretty much ruins all of Morton's credibility. Tom Cruise: Straight? Ha!