Whoo. Full disclosure of the Perez sex scandal. Click at your own risk, NSFW. (Evil Beet)

Do dick and pube jokes ever really not equal box office gold? (Yeeeah!)

Speaking of box office gold: a mishmash between The Breakfast Club and Unaccompanied Minors? Sounds fucking brilliant. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay Lohan is what she is. I guess that's her preemptive excuse for falling off the wagon? (Wendy Wayrad)

Victoria's Secret goes all Right Said Fred on our asses. (The Blemish)

Guess who's jealous of Kevin Federline?! Well, who isn't, really. (Agent Bedhead)

Jennie Garth is still cute as a button. A middle-aged button. (usemycomputer)

Semi-Pro: Same shit, different movie. (Pajiba)

Cadaverous: Adjective. Resembling a corpse in being very pale, thin, or bony.

Page Six posted this photo of Nikki Hilton looking rather on the cadaverous side. I guess all those years of living in Napalm Vagina's whorish shadow have finally taken their toll on poor Nik's self esteem. It's kind of a shame really -- no, I mean it -- because out of all the Hiltons, Nikki doesn't even make the top three of ones I'd enjoy watching suffer an agonizing death of starvation. Of course, that's counting Perez Hilton, too.

Below: Nikki at an event earlier this month.

Photographic Gibberish. Noun. Total nonsense images, unintelligible; photographs that don't make sense.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Giselle Bundchen -- Photographic Gibberish.

Pharaoh's Tomb. Noun. Undefined. 

Kate Beckinsale, formerly of Underworld, Van Helsing, and Serendipity, who has a brilliant movie, Snow Angels, in which she co-stars with Sam Rockwell, coming out in March, recently revealed that her "best feature" is a private matter, and that:

I've only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh's Tomb!"

Well, I'm stumped. I have no idea to what Beckinsale refers. Pharaoh's Tomb? No clue. I apologize, but given the lack of context, I'm unable to define the term. I'm at a complete loss. It's a mystery that will probably haunt us to the end.

Lucky: Adjective. Having, bringing, or resulting from good luck.

While visiting Conan's show earlier this week, Rashida Jones revealed that at 10 years old she spent a lot of time at Neverland Ranch with her dad, record producer Quincy Jones. One of these trips involved a mishap with Michael Jackson's chimpanzee "Bubbles."

"I have a scar. I was standing next to his cage and he grabbed something out of my hand. I opened the cage and the monkey started throwing things at me. I tried to punish him by lightly hitting him on the head, and he grabbed my hand and bit down on it like a sandwich."

Rashida, hon? Considering that a scar you picked up at Neverland Ranch isn't the kind that requires extensive, lifelong therapy -- I would probably consider yourself lucky. Like, serious, dodged-a-bullet, "ex-boyfriend turned out to be a serial killer" lucky.

Make the Baby Jesus Cry. Colloquial. When something "makes baby Jesus cry," it means that that something is considered so disgustingly, horribly unpleasant that such a thing would cause the Baby Jesus to weep openly. See, e.g., above.

  

Nightmare: Noun. A frightening or unpleasant dream.

Geeeesh! Mary Kate Olsen is frigging terrifying! I don't care how much everyone tries to convince me the Olsen Twins are some kind of fashion icons, because this looks like something out of a Japanese horror remake. God damn it. I'm gonna have worse nightmares tonight than when I watched The Ring.

Bye. Noun.  Used to express farewell, often conveyed with a simple wave of the hand. See also: Hi.

*Bye* Amy!

Doomsday Clock: Noun. A symbolic clockface which uses the analogy of the human race being at a time that is "minutes to midnight" where midnight represents "catastrophic destruction."

Rumors have been swirling all week that Britney might be pregnant with ol' Landing Strip Face's kid, after he went around and started bragging to all the tabloids about it. Now we didn't take much stock in that because, well, Adnan is a ginormous famewhoring loser.

But that was before I saw this recent photo. So... Yep! Looks like it's safe to set the Doomsday Clock forward another minute or so -- because Britney is smoking for two now!

Kate and Owen sitting in a tree. No -- Owen! Don't jump! (Yeeeah!)

How the hell did anyone spot this nipple slip? (The Blemish)

Rachel Bilson. Panties. You do the math. (Rad Report)

Heidi Klum loves .... balls? (IDLYITW)

If you take four or five of the most beautiful women in the world and morph them, what do you get? Hint: It ain't beautiful. (Fatback Media)

The incredible balancing dog: Cute or Creepy? (Seriously? OMG!)

Woah! That baby is cute -- I don't care who his mother is. (Celebwarship)

Okay, I suppose Mariah Carey does look pretty decent for a 38 year old woman -- if we could only keep her away from the recording studio. (Celebrity Smack)

Vows: Noun. A set of such promises committing one to a prescribed role, calling, or course of action, typically to marriage or a monastic career.

Jenny McCarthy said in a recent interview that she and longterm boyfriend Jim Carrey don't plan on getting married, and are happy just living together.

"All that's (marriage) going to be is a piece of paper, really. What is it a guarantee of? I'll be yours forever? I'll be faithful? Bull! He is the light of my life and we're more in love now than we have been in our entire relationship."

Well that certainly is refreshing to hear of a Hollywood couple just content with being together, instead of rushing to exchange vows out their asses by pretending to make their butt cheeks talk.

Brick Sh*thouse. Noun. Describes a person who is very large and muscular who is also generally thought to be good looking.

Dwayne "Don't Call me The Rock, "Motherfucker" Johnson purportedly has not only permanently given up his wrestling career and The Rock cognomen, but the Samoan brick shithouse -- who will next star as the Tooth Fairy -- has a little ambition, too.

“I had a chance to present an Oscar on Sunday and I was asked if I'd like to win one myself. And sure, of course, it's every actor's dream,” he says, with initially guarded enthusiasm. In fact, he adds, momentarily overtaken by the excitement of it all, “winning an Oscar is a goal of mine." (Source)

It's good to have goals, Rock Dwayne. I have a few goals myself: I'd like to bed George Clooney, I'd like to receive a $1 million tip from Pierce Brosnan, and I'd like to be the first dominatrix president of the United States. And you know what, Dwayne? I have a better shot at achieving all three of those goals than you do at scoring an Oscar, unless -- of course -- they start handing out Academy Awards for winning personalities. You're not gonna win a lot of awards with that smile of yours, Mr. Johnson, but you'll never be short on tail.

Now, take off your shirt, please.

 

Sex Scandal. Noun. A scandal involving allegations or information about embarrassing sexual activities, such as adultery, being made public. Sex scandals are often associated with movie stars, politicians, or others in the public eye, and become scandals largely because of the prominence of the person involved.

Here's a disgusting bit of gossip that, for once, Perez Hilton wasn't the first to post on his blog. Page Six is reporting that a young, up-and-coming blogger Jonathan Jaxson apparently got so desperate to increase his own page views that he sought out the advice of Perez. Hilton, in exchange, told Jaxson that he'd gladly help him out, if Jonathon would only do him a solid: Send him a personal sex tape. According to AOL IM transcripts obtained by the Post, Perez told Jaxson: "You should totally make a sex tape . . . (but not with me)." Jaxson wrote back, "I will have to make one on here for you tomorrow and e-mail it to you." [Hilton] responded, "Hot! Do it now!"

After repeatedly, desperately, sadly, pathetically demanding that Jaxson send the sex tape, Jaxson relented and sent him a couple of sex videos, including one of him masturbating. Perez, however, never helped the poor guy out.

Or did he? Because for the day, at least, Jonathon Jaxson may be the most popular blogger on the interwebs. Meanwhile, Perez continues to hold the spot for the most pathetic.


 

Brainiac: Noun. An exceptionally intelligent person.

It seems as though Mariah Carey is trying to reinvent herself as the "thinking man's woman." Not only does Carey have new album coming out titled E=MC2, but she enlisted the help of crapfest director Brett Ratner to direct the video for her first single, "Touch My Body" -- in which she is portrayed as a nerd's fantasy.

"Mariah looks better than she has ever looked. It's ridiculous," Ratner said. "Mariah has an incredible body, but she was always kind of very voluptuous. Now she's just like, fit. And we were like, we've got to show this body.

That's a great and all, but I'm pretty sure that Jack McBrayer, playing the aforementioned part of "the nerd," might actually be gay. You'd think these brainiacs would have picked up on a detail like that. But I guess trying to convince us that a gay guy would be attracted to Mariah Carey is about as believable as someone with an IQ in the double digits being attracted to Mariah Carey.

If you so wish, you'll find the video for "Touch My Body" after the jump.

Technicolor Vomit. Noun. Televised regurgitation; small screen upchuck.

Remember in the 8th grade, when you and your friends in the school cafeteria took everything edible you could find -- hamburger bits, ketchup, mayonnaise, pickles, soda, orange drink, milk, corn kernels, saliva, stromboli, cheese-like substance -- and threw it all into a cup, mixed it together, and gave some dumbass with mommy issues a $1 to drink it? Well, now we know what that might look like in sitcom reality:

Comedian and actress Rosie O’Donnell wants to return to television in a sitcom about three best friends that would co-star “The Nanny’s” Fran Drescher. Nine months after her abrupt departure from the daytime talk show “The View,” O’Donnell said on her blog that she had teamed with Drescher on the project, which is still in the early stages. (Source)

Yup. Fran Drescher and Rosie O'Donnell in the same goddamn half hour of television -- that's Technicolor vomit, folks. If you threw $5 million at an office full of television executives, they couldn't come up with a more lethal combination of annoying, grating, obnoxious, and detestable. Once I find it what network the sitcom will air on, I fully plan to delete it from my television, for fear that I might otherwise stumble upon the show and find myself searching for the nearest sun so that I might launch myself to a fiery demise.

Leash: Noun. A strap or cord for restraining and guiding a dog or other animal.

Hey Tom, you know what also works well in these situations? A leash. Yeah, she probably won't like it at first, and will probably scratch at it and pull in the other direction -- but once she gets used to it your life will be so much easier. And maybe while you're at it you can pick up one of those cones for Suri to wear around her neck. No reason really... They just look so darn funny!

Hi. Noun. Used as an exclamation of greeting, often conveyed with a simple wave.

*Hi* Eliza!

???. Noun. Used as a placeholder when you simply don't know what the fuck is going on.

Could someone please enlighten me? Has Marcia Cross been severed? Is she being tested carbon-based materials? Is she experimenting with super glue on her lips?

Influence: Noun. The capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have taken a break from hating each other guts (seriously, the header image is a year old and the most recent I could find of the two of them) to write a coffee table book to be titled Influence. Because if there's one thing everyone loves, it's a fucking coffee table book.

It will feature “the most interesting, challenging, creative people we know — the ones who helped pave the way for us and our generation,” Ashley said in a statement.

Among them: shoe guru Christian Louboutin, actress Lauren Hutton, photographer Terry Richardson and writer Bob Colacello.

Also to be featured in the book? The person who invented sticking your fingers down your throat to make yourself throw up, their very first coke dealer from the "Full House" days, and the animal kingdom for being so fashionable once slaughtered and stripped of their hides.

Oh, Christ. Jennifer Aniston needs to get the fuck over it. (IDLYITW)

Nicole Kidman used to be able to smile without it even breaking her face. (Agent Bedhead)

Is Charisma Carpenter too old to be the new Keds spokesperson after Mischa gets dumped? (Yeeeah!)

Oh, grief. Britney might be pregnant again. Paternity is narrowed down to Adnan or Taco Bell. (The Blemish)

That's Sergeant Cocker Spaniel to you. (Ayyyy!)

Because we need another Spears baby like we need another Madonna album. Oh, what's that? Shit. (Seriously? OMG!)

Remember Mayim Bialik from "Blossom?" Yeah, you just might to leave it that way: in memories. (CelebritySmack)

Ahahahahahaha. No, really. Hahahahahaha. (Evil Beet)

Witless Protection will make you want to scrub your brain with a moonshine and Mountain Dew bender. (Pajiba)

Pervert: Noun. a person whose sexual behavior is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable.

Nice try, A.C. Slater -- now step away from the teenage girl. This isn't "Saved By The Bell," or even "Saved By The Bell: The New Class," buddy. And even when it was, I'm pretty sure you were like 25, anyway. So why don't you go ahead and find somebody your own age to grope on before I call Chris Hansen and the pervert patrol to take you out back and slam your dick in the cruiser door. Got that?

Lap Masseuse. Noun. Politically correct term for stripper or exotic dancer; one who dances naked and/or rubs his or her buttocks up against the groin area of another.

Unless for some reason your van down by the river doesn't have cable, internet, cell phone coverage, or easy access to print publications, you know doubt know that Diablo Cody, the Oscar writing screenwriter of Juno, was formerly an exotic dancer -- or, in more politically correct parlance, a lap masseuse. You may have also learned that nude pictures of Ms. Cody have leaked onto the Internet, and yours, mine, and ours in the blogger world have taken it upon themselves to post these scurrilous photos in an effort to increase page views.

It's a dirty business, this celebrity blogging.

And while we here at WIMB generally look the other way when it comes to nekkid celebrities (unless it's the Squirt Queen, but she hardly counts), we feel a certain connection with Diablo. She may, at times, be a punching bag, but damnit, she's our punching bag, and we feel strangely possessive kinship with her. She's like our stripper sister, you know? And in that respect, we don't appreciate it when people look at our stripper sister in the buff. That's why we've taken the liberty of covering her naughty bits with black bars. This is not one of those magical thumbnail galleries where you can click on the photo and it takes you to the good stuff; click all you want -- we're not giving up the dirty pillows. Not here. No sir. We'd prefer you respect Diablo's screenwriting talent.

That's not a joke. And stop your guffawing. I own a whip. A long one with synthetic thorns. And thanks to the power of Internet cookies, we know where you live. Watch it, Buster.

The owner of this ass got her big break when a school teacher overheard her, at age 11, singing an Oasis tune and suggested she had talent. She has a heart murmer and, at the age of 15, she attempted suicide. She also smokes 20 cigarettes a day.

Can you Name that Ass?! The answer, after the jump.

 

Fraud: Noun. A person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.

Maybe the third time's the charm for Pam Anderson for putting this whole "marriage to Rick Salomon" thing behind her. Although Anderson already twice filed for divorce since getting hitched last October -- according to court papers filed last Friday she is now seeking an annulment, citing "fraud" as the reason.

Uhh, yeah. So what part of "this man filmed himself screwing Paris Hilton and then sold it to millions of people" were you not clear about before you walked down the aisle? Because I honestly can't think of any circumstance that may have arisen during the marriage where that wouldn't have told you everything you needed to know. On the other hand, if he was the one citing fraud -- then, well yeah. I could understand that. You know it had to be a real shock to the old system waking up next to this thing for the first time without all forty pounds of makeup on.

Hipsteur. Noun. A combination of hipster and poseur. So stated due to the recursive levels of irony present in many a hipster.

Ellen -- you know we adore you, right? But listen, all right. I'm just trying to be friendly here. We all want what's best. So, it's with the utmost respect that I reluctantly ask you to stop dressing like Juno. The movie is done -- all the awards have been handed out. There's nothing left to do but allow it to have its DVD run. You got two movies coming out soon, and two more in the works -- it's time to move on. Let the high-school hipsteur garb go. Burn the old wardrobe, Ellen. Stay out of Old Navy -- it's time to upgrade to the Gap.

 

Idiots: Noun, plural. Mentally handicapped person(s).

If you harbor any doubt over whether or not Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are total fucking idiots, take a gander at this clip of the couple trying their hand at "comedy." Self depreciating humor is kind of hard to fuck up, but somehow these two manage to make themselves look like even bigger obnoxious retards than previously assumed. If you don't want to watch it (understandable) I'll do my best to recap.

First of all, they proclaim themselves to be "the world's greatest assholes" because Pete mocks humanitarian efforts as being too hard, instead devoting themselves to the cause of illegal music downloading. (Like anyone wants to download their shit anyway.) And to solve this crisis, he says that he'll "make a baby, because you can't download a [fucking] baby." It's at this point Ashlee comes on camera with a pillow stuffed under her shirt, impersonating Britney Spears (I think?) by eating Cheetos and talking in a Southern drawl. And then it ends with a music montage to Joe Esposito's "You're the Best" from Karate Kid -- which I thought was scientifically proven to add hilarity to any given situation, but somehow manages to do just the opposite here. It's as if the two of them are a vortex of suck which inexplicably drains humor from everything.

Deuce Droppings. Noun. Slang for excrement.

I've been reluctant to speak of this, if only because the very thought not only makes my ears bleed, it makes them spray geysers of earwax and hemoglobulous matter. But it's there. And this news sits on my chest like a steaming, three-ton pile of deuce droppings.

Perez Hilton has a $100,000 deal with Warner Brothers to start his own music label. Unbelievable! The man can't string a goddamn sentence together, and yet he will help to guide the future of our music industry. Would you trust a guy who dresses like that to pick out your music? And people wonder why the music industry is dying. It's not illegal downloads -- it's dumbass decisions like this.

And, of course, the ink hasn't even dried on the contract and Perez has already signed his first musical group. Here's their video -- and I have to begrudgingly admit, it's catchy!

Because it's as funny, or funnier, than its predecessors. (NSFW, obv.)

Dickhead: Noun. A stupid, irritating, or ridiculous person, particularly a man.

After getting sued for slander and defamation for calling Missy Chase Lapine, the woman whose book Jessica Seinfeld blatantly plagiarized, a "nut job" and a "wacko celebrity stalker," Jerry Seinfeld wants to let us know it was all just a big misunderstanding! You see, he was joking! Get it? He's comedian! That's what they do.

So I'm sure Jerry won't mind whatsoever if I call him a huge, egomaniacal, Scientology lovin' dickhead with stupid hair, who -- let's face it -- was the least funny part of "Seinfeld" anyway. See what I did there? I was just kidding! Oh no, I actually did mean all those things -- but it's totally just a joke. Get it? Hilarious!

Is it worse that someone has considered making a film about Mike Tyson's life, or that Jamie Foxx may play the feature role? (Celebrity Smack)

Kelly LeBrock has finally given up on dieting. Clearly. (Celebitchy)

Jennifer Aniston creatively works around the tick of her biological clock. (The Blemish)

The girl can't get a movie role to save her life, but Tara Reid can still pay her bar tab with photo shoots. (usemycomputer)

Natalie Portman waxes poetic about Shar-Jos Jo-Jos. (Seriously? OMG!)

JLove, sweetheart: We've all moved on regarding the topic of your ass. Some people even apologized. Now, it's time for you to get over it. Kapisch? (Celebwarship)

Fact: The Internet is a vessel of Satan. (Wendy Wayrad)

Who is the latest celebrity man to fall under the hypnotic chin swell of Rumer Willis? (Holy Moly)

Here's an idea: Try to gain a little box-office clout before turning into a goddamn diva; otherwise, you're just an obnoxious actress. (Yeeeah!)

Mind-Numbing: Adjective. So extreme or intense as to prevent normal thought.

Miley Cyrus has "released" a YouTube video called "The Miley & Mandy Show" with friend Mandy Jiroux, a dancer on her "Best of Both Worlds Tour." Even for something on YouTube, the above clip is so mind-numbing I think my IQ has actually dropped a few notches having watched it.

In related Miley Cyrus news -- Miley and dad Billy Ray Cyrus have been announced as hosts of the CMT Awards in April. Now I can't speak personally for country music fans, but considering that the Cyrus family is to music what a Slim-Jim is to filet mignon, I can only assume they'll be thrilled!

Below: Miley and Mrs. Cyrus at the Oscars last Sunday.

Wolfman Candy. Noun. Refers to an attractive, desirable wolfian being.

Say Cheese: Colloquial. Expression used by photographers to elicit smiles in their targets. When you say the word, the cheeks tend to lift, the corners of the mouth tend to turn up, and the teeth tend to show.

C'mon, Channing: You got a nice photo-spread in Vogue, man. Show some teeth. You should be happy. Smile, goddamnit. Smile! When the photographer asks you to say "Cheese," say it, motherfucker.

 

Rollback: Noun. A reduction or decrease; popularized by Wal-Mart as a savings/cost-cutting program, which is afforded to them by unsavory business practices such as low employee wages and overseas labor.

Known badass Ashlee Simpson took time out of her busy schedule of rule-breaking and general rebellion to promote her new single "Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya) at Wal-Mart earlier this week. Because everyone knows that shilling for "the man" is totally punk rock. Oooh, I've got the perfect title for Ashlee's new song: "Rollback Girl!" See Ashlee? You can still rip off Gwen Stefani and appease your corporate sponsors!

Guffaw. Noun. Sudden boisterous laughter, usually in bursts. 

I wonder, when the folks putting together the "18th Annual Night of 100 Stars," if they let out a giant guffaw when they looked at the guest list? Or maybe the sponsors were under the misconception that it was still 1991 -- get a gander at these "stars": Alan Thicke, Andrew Dice Clay, Corey Feldman, Jenna Jameson, Lauren Holly, and Tia Carrere, who I haven't seen since Wayne's World. It's like a late 80s Razzies Reunion.



 

Burn: Verb. Slang; to insult or disrespect someone.

Not only has Paris Hilton recently been seen out with Benji Madden, twin brother of Nicole Richie's boyfriend Joel Madden, but sources are reporting that the heiress is also shopping around a new reality show in which she purportedly searches for a new best friend.

"Paris is tired of the haters and she's looking for someone new. She's looking for someone new and cool who she can trust."

Oh, burn!!!! I don't know what Nicole Richie did to piss off the whore mafia, but as you can see it's pretty serious. There's no way both of these douchebags would "just happen" to be dating heiresses. This must be all part of Paris' master plan to... uh, have sex with with Nicole's baby uncle!! Well, what do you want? This is Paris Hilton we're talking about, not Lex Luthor.

Oscar Hangover. Noun. Refers to the feeling one gets around 10 a.m. the day after the Academy Award telecast. 

Christ on a doom buggy! After a half-day red-carpet ceremony, a four-hour Oscar telecast, hundreds of Oscar party images, and 24-hours of fucking recaps, rundowns, and criticisms (all of which we indulged in), I've got a severe Oscar hangover. If I see one more brightly-colored gown or another pair of pasty-white legs, I'm gonna retch and then I'm going to torch the next dress shop I pass by. Only the Oscars could make me pine for Britney and Paris again; comparatively, they seem so refreshing and naive.

Let the long Oscar nightmare be over. Let's return the focus to where it belongs: Drunken upskirts and errant nipples. Bring it, Hollywood.

Go-Getter: Noun. An aggressively enterprising person.

According to a family friend, Jamie Lynn Spears has passed her GED high school equivalency exam. Her next big plans? College, baby!

"She's already got her diploma," according to the friend. "She wants to take her ACT. She's not wasting any time. People don't know her. When she gets something in her head, she'll make it happen. Everybody is so supportive of her."

Hear that, world? Jamie Lynn Spears is moving on up! It takes a special kind of sixteen year old go-getter to finish the GED before the baby's even born. You can't just "buy" that kind of moxie. The sky's the limit from here!

Pap Simpson moves onto screwing up his other daughter. (Seriously? OMG!)

Which Gary is more batshit crazy: Busey? (The Blemish) Or, Coleman? (PopOnThePop)

In all this Oscar madness, we neglected to mention that Britney got to see her kids, y'all! (Yeeeah!)

Holy crap! Tina Fey as a "Rock of Love" skanktestant! (CelebritySmack)

Imagine how pissed Sharon Stone is gonna be when she finds out that's not real zebra. (Ayyyy!)

Kirsten Dunst takes a break from rehab to go shopping at her favorite big box store. (Evil Beet)

More Oscar coverage than you can shake a shiny, man-shaped golden stick at. (BestWeekEver)

Our favorite Bedhead engages in some girl talk with Eli Roth. (Agent Bedhead)