Eunuch: Noun. A man whose testes are nonfunctioning or have been removed.

Earlier this week we reported that Gary Coleman was secretly married and had finally lost his virginity at age 40. Well, as it turns out -- only half of that was true. Guess which half?

Coleman, who turned 40 last week, tells news show "The Insider" he's still a virgin: "It's my business, it's my issue and I really don't think it's a problem."

But he insists he never set out to become a 40-year-old virgin: "I don't choose to be one, I just am. I have love in my heart, I have the desire; I just don't know what it is. It'll happen when it'll happen, and it'll happen for all the right reasons."

Okay, so to recap: Screech made a sex tape with two girls who willingly participated, but Arnold Jackson can't even get it on with his own wife. Am I missing something here? The only explanation I can think of is that Gary Coleman is an eunuch -- which actually, would kind of justify him being so fucking pissed off all the time.