Britney Spears is making Abby crave redneck whores derves. (Yeeeah!)

David Blaine can hold his breath all he wants, but he's still not getting a Wii. (The Blemish)

"Farmer Wants a Wife," a new reality show where... Well, the title is kind of self explanatory, but anyway it premieres on the CW tonight. I would totally watch if I weren't going to see the Kids in the Hall live. W00t! (Seriously? OMG!)

Everyone and their brother has an opinion on Mileygate. (Celebitchy)

Zooey Deschanel is totally my biggest girl crush! (usemycomputer)

Paula Abdul gets one step closer to her inevitable stint in rehab. (CelebritySmack)

Katie Holmes gets a one-way ticket to Scientology prison! (IDLYITW)

Check out the stories behind punk rock nicknames. (Agent Bedhead)

I only make fun of Christina Aguilera's clown whore make-up because I care. Or, so she would have you think. (Daily Stab)

The chick who got semi-naked in American Pie is now dating her fruity dancer partner from "Dancing With the Stars." Man, what happened there? (Hollywire)

No Contest: (Noun) A lack of challenge; an obvious choice or winner in a comparison or competition.

Hey, remember when Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff had that feud over Aaron Carter a few years back? I wonder who ever won that. Although, I suppose you really can't call a winner in a love triangle. In life, on the other hand... We can totally call that. Wanna take a guess who the big winner at life is here?

More of the Duff sisters at the premiere of Hillary's new film, War, Inc.

Seriously: (Adverb) Used to indicate surprise at what someone has said and to check whether they really meant it.

People unveiled their "100 Most Beautiful People" issue today, and among the honorees -- which includes the likes of cover girl Kate Hudson, Isla Fisher, Amanda Beard and the cast of "Gossip Girl" -- is Rumer Willis. Now maybe sometimes we're a little excessively mean to old Potato Head here, and I will even go so far as to say she looks cute in a bikini. (See below.) But most beautiful?? Sheesh. These days People's most beautiful people issue must be easier to get into than Applebee's on a Tuesday night.

More of Rumer and friends shilling for Wal-Fart:

DO NOT WANT: (Catchphrase) Popularized on various online forums, signifies that the content of a thread is undesired or not liked.

Rumors are spreading that Ashlee Simpson is considering another foray into reality TV, following in her sister's footsteps by doing a "Newlyweds" type show with Pete Wentz.

So basically, I just thought I'd use this an excuse to post the above clip again. Watch it. No really, watch. Now image a whole hour of that. I would rather staple my eyelids to my face and have hot wax poured into my ears than watch even a minute more of that. The only thing a Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz TV show would be good for is interrogating suspects at Guantanamo. They'll be begging for the fun and carefree days of waterboarding.

The world's dumbest assholes at the White House Correspondents' Dinner:

Gag Me with a Spoon: (Exclamation) Describes something as being sickeningly lame to the point of vomitous.

Ugh. Just when you thought this Paris Hilton/Benji Madden crap couldn't get any worse, Paris recently told reporters that Punk Rock Powder wrote a love song for her. BUH. ARF.

"He actually wrote me a beautiful song, and actually recorded it in the studio," Hilton, 27, said Monday night at the LG launch of the TV series Scarlet. "He surprised me with it. It's called, 'Shine Your Light.' It's this really beautiful love song about me. It was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me." (Source)

That's funny, I thought Good Charlotte already wrote a love song for Paris Hilton called "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" when he sings about stupid rich celebrities who get away with everything and robbing their mansions.  OK, I guess that wasn't actually a love song... But it's probably nicer than the love song I wrote for Paris that goes, "Roses are red, Violets are blue, I hope you die, you worthless skank."

More of "PH" and Bowel Movement at the launch of the new series "Scarlet:"

Carrie Underwood re-enters the Tony Romo sweepstakes, threatens Jessica. (IDLYITW)

Have you heard ScarJo's new single. Word of advice: Don't. (DListed)

Ummm ... Hillary Duff improves image! (Popoholic)

Famished Nicole Ritchie takes bite out of husband. (Seriously? OMG!)

Warning: Water may cause extreme damage to Heather Locklear's face. (Yeeeah!)

Daisy Fuentes removes top, reminds world of better times. (Celebslam)

Disney is trying to contain the Ebola virus that is Hannah Montana. (The Blemish)

Ashton Kutcher urinates along with his dogs; drinks water from bowl. (Celebitchy)

Scott Weiland to go to prison, searches for drugs in anal cavities of cellmates. (Celebwarship)

And check out the international posters for The Dark Knight -- they are ridiculously awesome.

 

Faux Pas: (Noun) An embarrassing or tactless act or remark in a social situation.

Canadian-born Pamela Anderson has finally been made an U.S. citizen, and is thrilled to finally have her God-given right to have her vote count for jack shit, just like the rest of us.

"Being a citizen excites me not just because I can vote, but because I can crack the whip on Capitol Hill to defend animals." (Source)

Holy crap, did she really use the phrase "crack the whip" when referring to animal rights? Major faux pas. Ol' Pam must be a real blast around Holocaust survivors and at NAACP meetings, as well.

More of American Pies with the Vice President of PETA, appropriately dressed for the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner:

Douche Candy (Noun) Refers to a douchebag who is generally thought to be easy on the eyes.

Tit for Tat: (Noun) The infliction of an injury or insult in return for one that one has suffered.

Nothing warms my heart quite like a Joe Francis getting sued story -- so I'm elated to report this morning that Ashley Alexandra Dupré is suing Francis to the tune of $10 million for filming her underage and exploiting her likeness.

Francis said he was "surprised and in fact amazed" by the lawsuit, noting he has not released new video of Dupré "due to corporate policy of not using footage of individuals younger than 18" and asserting she gave her consent on video, providing identification. (Source)

I'm sure there's a big gray area with intricate legal nuances to determine who's culpable here... But when it comes down to it? If Joe Francis rescued a bunch of orphans and puppies from an ax-wielding murderer, and the murderer sued Joe Francis for injuries sustained -- I'd be the first to donate half my paycheck to afford that murdering sonofabitch the best damn legal representation money can buy. So there's pretty much no way I'm not going to take the side of the five thousand dollar whore. Or should I say, ten million dollar whore -- right, Ashley? Ka-ching!

Blogger's Envy: (Psychoanalysis) What occurs when a gossip blogger is unfairly and excessively mean to celebrities, purportedly due to jealousy.

Because it wasn't enough making countless nauseatingly cute appearances together in television shows, movies and GAP advertisements -- *cough* -- Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are now having a baby together. Isn't that just fucking precious? Oh, and I'm sure it will be the cutest and funniest baby ever to walk the Earth, and next Christmas they'll probably do a sequel GAP ad with their stupid adorable infant wrapped up in brightly colored, striped merino. Way to throw it in our faces, you stinkin' jerks. Oh, and congratulations. I guess.

More of the delightfully goddamn charming couple at the Baby Mama premiere:

Jennifer Aniston sure has a knack for picking out the douchebags. (Yeeeah!)

Pink and Bai Ling have joined forces? This can't be good. (Seriously? OMG!)

Baby Mama boils down to a lot of wasted talent. (Pajiba)

Is Brooke Hogan ever not wearing a string bikini or an outfit that covers less than 10% of her flesh? (The Blemish)

How bad is J Lo hating on Halle Berry for looking this hot right now? (Celebslam)

Holy fucking creepy. (Pretty on the Outside)

Because I know you're all just dying to hear what the ladies of "The View" think of the Whore of Babylon photo shoot. (CelebritySmack)

How fucking high was the "Mac Guy" to have cheated on Drew Barrymore? (Celebitchy)

Another shotgun wedding? What ever happened to good old fashioned abortion? (HolyMoly)

Hypocrisy: (Noun) The practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense.

In response to the risqué Vanity Fair photos hitting newsstands this week, the Cyrus camp is taking the old "Best Defense is a Good Offense" ploy by claiming ignorance to the nature of the photos. As in, the photos that were taken of them, that they oversaw and participated in. Aghast, I tell you!

"My goal in my music and my acting is always to make people happy. For Vanity Fair, I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed." (Source)

I guess not all photos can display the kind of good taste and judgment as the titty shots Miley herself posts on the internet. I'm surprised they just don't accuse Annie Leibovitz of witchcraft or slipping her roofies. "My shirt just accidentally fell off and I covered myself with this sheet! I had no idea she was shooting!" Hey assholes, maybe the shoot was artistic. Not in the pretty, Thomas Kincade way you redneck fucks are akin to -- but in a way that says: "Here's your Whore of Babylon, America. The one you created: take a look! Naked, at fifteen years old! And posing seductively with her father!"

Lick it up, people. Lick. It Up.

Nerd Alert: (Interjection) Term used to call attention to a social outcast, geek, dweeb, geeky dweeb, dork, poindexter, emo kid, etc.

Certifiable: (Adjective) Officially recognized as needing treatment for a mental disorder; crazy.

In a shocking turn of events, Gary Coleman and his 22-year-old wife who he didn't have sex with, Shannon Price, are getting divorced. Also, they're doing it on "Divorce Court," so we all get to watch! Yes!

"If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does," Price says, according to a transcript of the show provided to The Associated Press. "He like stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too." (Source)

With all due respect to the sanctity of the bench, I don't know if the esteemed "Divorce Court" is the way to go here. The marital woes of a certifiable, middle-aged, celibate midget and his trashy, semi-retarded young bride seem like more of a job for Springer, if you ask me. Maybe throw in a midget stripper and some wedding cake for them to throw around and you've got ratings gold!

The couple in happier times:

Fucking Fantastic: Tom Cruise is going to go couch jumping again. (Yeeeah!)

Angelina Jolie wearing yellow, ready to pop, and vein-erey than ever! (Seriously? OMG!)

Claire Danes is the new face of Gucci jewelry. (Daily Stab)

Mariah Carey's performance on "GMA" was a disasterbacle. (The Blemish)

Britney Spears newly rehired manager plans to exercise her to the death. (Celebitchy)

The Jonas Bromos listen to Elvis Costello? Way to ruin Elvis Costello for me. (Buzzworthy)

Madonna leaves public bathrooms without washing her hands. Gross. (Agent Bedhead)

Raven-Symone says: "ME WANT FOOD!" (Celebslam)

That dorky kid in all those skanky Miley Cyrus myspace photos exposed! (Hollywire)

Deal is a poker movie about as exciting as watching fucking poker. (Pajiba)

Free: (Adjective) Given or available without charge.

To get people interested in her new album "Hard Candy," aptly named after a film about a young girl who tortures a pedophile to his death, Madonna is giving it away on myspace for free; just four days before its official release. That's a pretty ballsy move for a hip-hop album put out by a 50-year-old woman, so I guess they must be pretty confident about it.

Actually, this reminds me of a commercial they used to run all the time for this stuff called "Focus Factor" where they offered to let you try it for free, and this lady would go: "Free? It must be good!" So going by this logic, I'd say right off the bat Madonna's new album is probably awesome. Just like Focus Factor, AOL free trial CDs and free cat.

More of Madonna at the premiere of I Am Because We Are -- and just for fun, the commercial for Focus Factor after the jump.

Damn: (Exclamation) Commonly used as an expression of disbelief or surprise.

Three years for not paying your taxes. Damn.

On one hand, it's like... All those starletards out there can maniacally careen around L.A. hopped up on God-knows-what like Cruella Deville on a Dalmatian bender -- putting actual lives at risk, and still get only a slap on the wrists.

On the other hand, Wesley Snipes owed at least $2.7 million in back taxes. Now, I'm not a millionaire. As a matter of fact, I'm a thousandaire who's been driving the same Ford Focus hatchback for seven years. Seriously, that thing has like almost 200,000 miles on it. And yet I still have to forfeit a sizeable chunk of my meager, hard earned dollars to the government every year. So what was I saying? Oh, yeah... Suck it, Snipes.

Caninism (Scientific Theory) The phenomena, recently proven scientifically, that dog owners are instinctively drawn toward dogs that they resemble. 

No, not really. They just announced their engagement. But I figured I may as well just skip all the in-between bullshit. What's the point?

More of Carmen and the future ex-Mr. Electra at her 36th birthday party at PURE last week: