For real, does Posh Spice remind anyone else of Bruce McCullough's "Tammy" character from the Kids in the Hall? (The Blemish)

R. Kelly tries a defense so stupid, it makes the old ill-fitting glove tactic look brilliant. (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay Loahn spends time at the ER. Since when does a herpes outbreak constitute an emergency? (Seriously? OMG!)

Monchichi David and Butt Head David perform on the "Today" show. (CelebritySmack)

Condi Rice meets KISS? Is it just me or does this sounds like Scooby Doo stunt casting? (Agent Bedhead)

Angelina may have had the babies already. Then again, whose to say? (Celebslam)

If the Clay Aiken pregnancy story is fake, I will be devastated. (IBBB)

Britney Spears is still legally insane. (Celebitchy)

Aw, damn. I don't wanna hear this stuff about Bill Murray. (IDLYITW)

Sex and the City: A bunch of spayed cougars. (Pajiba)

Worthless (Adjective) Without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-(fucking) nothing. 

Look, kids! Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are on vacation! Vacation from what, you ask? After the long, arduous hours they put in being completely useless to society, they've decided to spend a few days being absolutely fucking worthless to humanity.

Seriously: Do these two do anything? Don't they have a fucking job? Appearances to make? Some pointless product to pitch? Or does Heidi really spend her entire goddamn life sticking her ass out in the wind? Is that ass trying to catch a ride somewhere?

Has it ever even occurred to either one of them to do something productive with their motherfucking empty lives besides drink champagne and pilfer the sun's rays from someone more deserving, like Charles Manson or Satan? What a goddamn waste of carbon.

 

Asshat: (Noun) An extremely stupid person who has their head so far up their ass it's as if they're wearing their own ass as a hat.

You probably don't recognize this guy here, and really -- there's no reason why you should. He was the leading man in Paris Hilton's movie. No, not Rick Salomon -- Paris Hilton's other movie, The Hottie and the Nottie. I know this because I'm one of the ten people who actually saw it. True story.

Anyway, here is Joel Moore hamming it up and collecting some free swag at some MTV Movie Awards promotion event -- clearly one of the few venues where a celebrity of his caliber would feel welcome. Let's all point and laugh at him, shall we? Ha ha ha ha ha. Loser!

Halfbino (Noun) A person who is as pale as humanly possible without being genetically albino. 

Good God! Julianne. Those legs. Get some sun. Buy some spray paint. Do something -- you're going to blind someone with your pasty-whiteness.

Juuuust a Little Outside (Expression) Euphemism popularized by baseball announcer Bob Uecker in the film Major League to indicate that a pitch is no where fucking close to the plate.

Boozehound Television (Noun) Television programs specifically targeted toward inebriates and other drunkards. See also: Boozehound Cinephile.

Ka-ching! glug glug I love "Mad blurgle bwah Men! Woo hoo! And no! I'm not *glurg* drumk. I'm chemically inconvenienced. Nah! Im' drumkr than fuk!

Fibber: (Noun) Someone who tells lies, typically unimportant ones.

Last week when it was reported that Steven Tyler checked into Drew Pinsky's rehab, like most people I barely batted an eyelash, because I had much more pressing things to think about like which Lean Cuisine in the freezer I was gonna have for lunch. The Lemongrass Chicken or the Butternut Squash Ravioli? Decisions, decisions. So why did this story suddenly enter my realm of ridicule?

Steven Tyler has confirmed he checked into rehab earlier this month, but, contrary to speculation, the rocker says he was there to aid his recovery from a series of surgeries on his feet. "The ‘foot repair’ pain was intense, greater than I'd anticipated. The months of rehabilitative care and the painful strain of physical therapy were traumatic. I really needed a safe environment to recuperate where I could shut off my phone and get back on my feet. (Source)

You know which "safe environment" I typically choose to recuperate after some kind of surgical procedure? My home, where I know no one is going to go rifling through my things and confiscating my Advil. But I'm sure rehab is great, too. Anyway, even if by some stretch of the imagination this is actually true, Steven Tyler saying he went to rehab for his foot is like me lying about going to the gynecologist for a toothache. Although if it's possible, Steven Tyler detoxing is even less scandalous than my routine pap smear.

From his Bigger and Blacker Tour:

I was at the club the other night, down at Life, chilling at the club. I'm chilling with this girl. She was dancing. It was about 1 a.m. I'm talking to her, and realized she had two kids at home. I don't mind the two kids at home, that's all good. But l'm like, ‘What the fuck are you doing in a club... at 1 a.m. in the fucking morning. On a Wednesday night? What the fuck are you doing here?'

Is it your birthday?
Did you get a raise?

Well, you got to get the fuck out. You go. I'm kicking you the fuck out. Yes, bye! Go take care of them kids before they rob me in 15 years. You got to get your kid on or your groove on. You can't get both on at the same time. I'm tired of this shit.

You hear that, Christina? Your kid or your groove.

Thug Misses (Noun) A female that is thugish yet still lady-like and carries herself with balance and knowledge of the streets and the home area. 

Who is this woman, and where can I send this lovely person a pair of pants?

WHAT THE FUCK: (Exclamation) No, really: WHAT THE FUCK???

So I get home from the gym yesterday evening, and turn on the old computer to be greeted with the headline, "Clay Aiken to be a Father." After slapping myself in the face repeatedly to make sure I didn't drop dead of a heart attack on the treadmill and went to gossip blogger heaven, I read on. So many questions! Who? How? Why? How again?! I'll let Us Weekly field these burning inquiries:

Idol Clay Aiken's producer is pregnant with his child, TMZ.com reports. Jaymes Foster (who is reportedly in her late 40s) was artificial inseminated with the 29-year-old singer's sperm, according to the report.

Aiken lives with Foster - described as his "best friend" - when he's in L.A. and plans to be involved with parenting their child.

Well of course if Clay Aiken was going to be a father it'd have to be freaky-deeky Michael Jackson turkey baster sex to some lesbian almost twice his age. Because you know the alternative is too horrific to even imagine. Step aside, pregnant man -- you are no longer of interest to me.

More of Clay promoting his new album which will only be purchased by women 50 and over:

Guess the nose picker!!!! (Seriously? OMG!)

MacGyvery no longer appealing to Patty and Selma. (Celebslam)

John Travolta displays even more douchebaggery than usual by defending a heavily suspected wife serial murderer. (The Blemish)

The Hogans discover that if life hands you turds, even if you brought those turds upon yourself, just fix yourself a delicious turd sandwich! (CelebritySmack)

Anderson Cooper likes redheads with big, beautiful eyes. (Ayyyy!)

Being a Brangelia Brat (TM, bitches!) sounds awesome. (Popbytes)

Tony Romo says to Jessica, "Why can't I quit you?" (FatbackMedia)

The Lohan sisters have a film of dirt on them not even OxyClean could touch. (IBBB)

HillDuff is so hot could could fry an egg on her butt. (Popoholic)

SATC fans got screwed, and not in the fun, sexy way like on SATC. (AgentBedhead)

Speaking of things Lohan, I bite the bullet to tell you all about their crappy new show. (Pajiba)

Oh, and in case you were wondering -- I'm actively ignoring Pete and Asslee's pregnancy announcement, which is why I haven't reported or linked it. Because I don't care if it's my job, I really do hate them and their stupid unborn baby, too.

Sixhead: (Noun) A tremendously large forehead. Bigger than a fivehead but not quite as large as an sevenhead.

Holy forehead! I mean... Holy, uh, forehead! Would you look at the size of that thing? Christina. Have I ever mentioned how much I liked you with bangs? Yes! Bangs! They're super easy, versatile, and keep small birds of flight from getting distracted by the glare and flying into your face.

Girl Next Door (Noun) A girl whom you always admired from afar and were afraid to approach, fearing that any erotic projection toward her would ruin her image as a decent, pure and almost virginal womanly ideal. Kind of a sexist archetype, but one that exist all the same.

Jenna, Jenna, Jenna ... You're cute. Adorable even. Everyone loves you. But come on: Know your limitations. No offense, but the over-the-shoulder eyes just don't work for you. You're the girl next door, not a vixious sex temptress. And there's nothing wrong with that -- just be your unbelievably cute self, right? This pose -- kind of embarassing, don't you think?

Now, this is more like it:

Spit it Out: (Phrase) What to say to someone who is withholding a secret, stuttering, or jawing a big, unattractive wad of gum in their mouth.

OK, seriously? Hey jackhole, you're at the premiere of your shitty new movie, the least you can do is spit out your damn gum. This whole, immature, frat boy, "I just don't know any better" act stopped being cute when you were like, thirty-five. For those who are counting, that was seven years and about a dozen shitty movies ago. This isn't "Saturday Night Live" anymore, no matter how many double-chinned, toupee-wearing, equally unfunny former cast members are here for it. For however many ungodly millions of dollars they're paying you by now to show up and make baby voices and funny faces into the camera, the least you can do is afford yourself some motherfucking class, you stupid goddamn turd.

Bullsh*t (Noun) A blatant lie; a flagrant untruth; an obvious fallacy. Lies, motherfucking lies.

Give. me. a. break. Batman doesn't drink fucking milk. That's bullshit. Milk is for emo douchebag ponces, like Spiderman. Batman drinks the blood of criminals. And then he washes it down with bourbon. This picture is obviously photoshopped. I demand a retraction.

Biblical: (Adjective) Slang term for knowing someone sexually.

Since "The Hills" have been off the air for like, three whole weeks now and the suffocating irrelevancy is starting to set in, Heidi Montag tells Us Magazine that Spencer Pratt wants to make an honest woman, er something, out of her.

"I'm ready to marry Spencer," the 21-year-old Hills star tells Us. "He's my soulmate." What changed? On-and-off beau Spencer Pratt convinced her to plan their wedding again during a secret make-or-break getaway to Mexico.

"Heidi read me biblical passages like 'Honor thy wife,'" says Pratt.

Since Heidi is such an expert on the teachings of our Lord and Savior, I wonder what the bible has to say about breast implants and being a useless twat? Clearly I'm not the scholar Heidi is, but my uneducated guess is that those would fall under the "lust" and "pride" categories. Then again, since plastic surgery and reality TV weren't around when Jesus wrote the bible, how are we to know he wouldn't have written a clause in or something? Jesus was just a regular man after all, so I'm sure even he could appreciate big titties.

More of Heidi, Spencer, and Spencer's retarded Gorton's Fisherman beard being annoying at a baseball game:

Bwah!? (Exclamation) 1) A laugh with sarcastic undertones; 2) a variation on the word "what" used to illustrate a sense of confusion.

You're Welcome (Expression) A polite way to to respond to thanks. Implies that the other person is welcome to ask for any other favors.

Kicked to the Curb: (Phrase) To send your significant other packing.

Uh oh! It look like someone finally learned how to use the internet, huh Sarah? That's why I strictly forbid any of my boyfriends from even owning a computer, much less going online. My advice is look for a nice Amish boy. Sure, he may not "wear deodorant" or "have a drivers license," but on the bright side you'll never have to explain why you once ate a live scorpion on TV for money.

I know "Desperate Housewives" has really been sucking lately and her movie bombed, but has it really come to this for Eva Longoria? (Seriously? OMG!)

Ashlee Simpson makes sure she'll never get mistaken for a feminist. (Celebitchy)

Being willing to do it with any and all parties interested doesn't make Lindsay Lohan gay, it just makes her versatile. (Yeeeah!)

Heyoo! Jennifer Hudson's bosoms defy laws of gravity. (Ayyyy!)

Pete Wentz is a regular goddamn prop comedian. (Celebslam)

Jessica Simpson's new country song is available online for anyone who cares to listen, myself absofuckinglutely not included. (Celebrity Smack)

Beyonce looking like she's knocked up and straight off the set of "Good Times." (CelebWarship)

Speaking of, I can almost hear R. Kelly going, "DAMN, DAAMN, DAAAMN!" (The Blemish)

Somebody had a birthday party and somebody exposed her panties. The exciting reveal, here: (IDLYITW)

What. the. fuck. (Pretty on the Outside)

"The Paper's" Amanda Lorber gives me hope for the kids of today. (Pajiba)

Biohazard: (Noun) A risk to human health or the environment arising from biological work, esp. with microorganisms.

Holy capital "Y" Yuh-ikes. Put those things away, Samantha. There's no telling where your fingers have been.

Whirled Peace (Ice Cream Flavor) A world where rainbows, unicorns, warm fuzzies and Maggie's ice-cream inspired Smiles dominate. A place where I want to be. 

Glue Factory: (Noun) The place where old horses said to be sent once they're no longer valuable to society, presumably to be boiled down into adhesive.

Now isn't this precious. For the New York (and blessedly final) "pink carpet" premiere of Sex and the City, the catty whores coordinated their outfits for their big last Hurrah. Except, oopsie! Somebody forgot to tell the redhead! It's just like the last day of junior high all over again, when all your friends bought coordinated T-shirts to wear and no one let you in on the secret. Don't worry Cynthia, also just like in junior high, in a week no one will remember or give a shit about any of this. Enjoy the glory while you can, ladies.

Come the F*ck On (Expression) A more definite version of "Come On!" Used to show emphasis, said with indignation and disbelief. 

To all the pecker-obsessed, sexually insecure and unfulfilled gossip blogging assholes who, yesterday collectively went on a misogynistic rant about Jessica Biel and her lack of make-up, let me just put this in terms that the two tiny testicles rattling around in your brain can easily understand: Come the fuck on! Cosmetics or not, if she asked you to step out from behind your goddamn computer screen so she could spit a loogy in your direction, you'd throw yourself into her snot-filled saliva faster than Britney puts on 10 pounds and you'd drink a six-pack and masturbate afterwards to celebrate your good fortune. I mean, really: Get the fuck over yourselves until we see what you look like without makeup.

Jackasses.

 

Depression (Noun) A feeling which makes you think there is no hope, no way to survive, and no point in carrying on this charade you call a fucking life, often entails copious amounts of drugs and alcohol.

Kirsten Dunst, who checked out of rehab last year, is now coming out and hitting back at reports that she was in rehab for substance abuse.

"I didn't go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression ... depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about."

Uh huh. Is "depression" a new drink I haven't heard about? One of those cute blue numbers with an umbrella, a little straw, and about 120 proof? Cause I don't recall seeing a lot of pictures of Dunst crying into her beer -- she couldn't keep the fucking glass full long enough to cry into it. Maybe that's what I'll start calling it when, after a night of heavy drinking, I wake up in the morning with a head that pounds like Ron Jeremy's headboard, a mouth dryer than Sharon Stone's hoo-hah, and no will to live: Depression! You think I can get the day off of work for that?

And I know something even better than rehab to cure it -- it's called two aspirin and a Schlitz. And it's a lot cheaper than 30 days at the Cirque Lodge.

Office Romance: (Noun) A romance that occurs between two people who work together in the same office, work location, or business.

Jason Trawick, the poor man's Ted McGinley pictured here with Britney Spears, is her agent whom she is supposedly now dating. Normally I would advise against this, since her previous workplace romances (Kevin Federline, Adnan Ghalib) ended less than famously. But seeing that this guy doesn't have "stalking Britney Spears" or "doing the pop and lock" on his resume, and his face is refreshingly clean of any vaginal-like facial hair -- he seems, at the very least, a step in the right direction. So good for her, I say!

The Smeller is the Feller (Expression) Indicates that the one who initially smells a fart is the likely culprit who unleashed it. 

Heebie Jeebies: (Plural Noun) A state of nervous fear or anxiety; commonly associated with "the creeps" or "the willies." See also: Freak the Fuck Out.

John Mayer is very kinky, if you're an eighth grade girl, that is. (Yeeeah!)

Lindsay Lohan wears a bikini and it appears that what the good men over at the boob job clinic giveth, God has taketh away. (The Blemish)

This is the closest that Britney will ever be to the cover of Vanity Fair. (IDLYITW)

And, apparently, Michael Lohan has outed his daughter. Nice. (Celebwarship)

It's gotten to the point that NSFW warnings need to be added for pictures of Amy Winehouse's face. (Celebrity Smack)

And speaking of Winehouse, what does she and a certain NASA astronaut have in common? Diapers, y'all. Diapers. (Celebslam)

Carmen Elektra + a stripper pole? That's marketing symbiosis. (Holy Moly)

For those of you who thought that Sanjaya Malakar was gone forever, think again. (*Sigh*) (Seriously? OMG!)

Circling Buzzards: (Phrase) Nature's symbolic grim reaper which occurs when scavenging birds start following an animal nearing imminent death.

Anybody smell that? Yep, that's the unmistakable stench of celebrity relationship death. Oh yeah, I give these two three months. Four months, tops.

Laying Pipe: (Verb) Something a plumber or oil worker might do as part of the job; also a thinly veiled euphemism for a guy having sex with a woman.

There is so much awesome here I don't even know where to begin. Did anyone know that A) Matthew McConaughey has a brother named B) "Rooster" McConaughey who is C) a total redneck that D) named his son "Miller Lyte" and is E) getting his own reality show?!

Black Gold (premiering June 18 on truTV) takes viewers inside the race to find oil in Texas. And while Rooster does not work on an oil rig, he supplies the pipes for the drills, which typically go down 10,000 feet below the earth’s surface. That’s a lot of pipe. (Source)

Holy crap I cannot wait for this. It sounds like the brotherly resemblance is uncanny.

More legendary McConaughey pipe-age here:

♦Boooring: (Adjective) Dull, repetitive, or tedious. Extra Os added emphasis.

Defying the odds, Gyllenspoon manage to bore us even more than they bore themselves.

Break Up Weight: (Noun) The unavoidable weight gain that comes with a several month-long timespan of crying into pint after pint of Ben & Jerry's.

You know what? eff you. If Ryan Reynolds dumped you, you'd gain a little weight, too, asshole. I admire her ability to even wake up in the morning. Good for you, Alanis.

 

Faker: (Noun) A person who appears or claims to be something that they are not.

Hmm... I still don't believe that this bitch is knocked up. Sure, so maybe she looks slightly fatter than usual in these photos, but I look more "pregnant" than this after a burrito and diet coke. Until Ashlee Simpson actually produces a baby, I'm gonna chalk up any protrusions or swelling in the abdominal area to chronic constipation.

Sharon Stone, you, sir, are an embarrassment to morons. May a brick of shit fall from a Boeing jet and land on your head, killing you instantly, you dimwitted doucheclown. 

A weekly reminder, for some of you, that you're now closer to the nursing home than you are to junior high. You gotta fight! For your right! To Midlife Crisis!

Exaggerating Asshole: An irritating or contemptible person who overcompensates trivial aspects of their life in a way which may be demeaning or insulting to others.

Brooke Hogan was involved in a car accident this weekend in which approximately $3000 of damage was done to her Mercedes. Given the coincidental nature of the incident, the smart and respectable thing to do here would have been shrink away with her tail between her legs and draw as little attention to herself as possible. But since Brooke Hogan is neither smart nor respectable, she posted the following in a (since deleted) myspace blog:

"I don't know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves... As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn't have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight." (Source)

Take it from someone who has been in almost as many car accidents as years driving: you can literally bump into another car and have it cost $3 grand. And yet, although I have been in accidents which caused far more than $3000 damage in far less expensive vehicles -- I have never been in a remotely "bad" or "horrible" accident. A "horrible" accident is the kind where you sober up and get told that your passenger won't ever be able to eat mashed peas on his own accord again for the rest of his life. So what was I saying? Oh yeah: shut your stupid fucking face, Brooke.

More on Lindsay's lesbian gollum love. (The Blemish)

I'll give you a SATC spoiler... Hags sit around, drink and talk about fucking. (Celebitchy)

Lydia Hearst's Life Ball is like Halloween in May! (usemycomputer)

Oprah's Vaj... A-Hole? Gross. Do not want. (Yeeeah!)

What are Adrienne Curry, Christopher Knight, Bret Michaels, Flavor Flav and New York all doing together? I don't know either, but this can't be good. (Seriously? OMG!)

Accidentally mistaking Lindsay Lohan for Courtney Love is perhaps meaner than anything I've ever said about her. Kudos, anonymous fans. (Agent Bedhead)

Madonna subsists on nothing besides treadmills and water. (Celebslam)

Celine Dion's ambiguous, long-haired weird kid still creepy. (Ayyyy!)

Barista goes on covert ops mission to smuggle nutrients into Olsens. (CelebWarship)

Katherine "Killer of Rainbows" Heigl doing what she does best. (Popoholic)