WHAT THE FUCK: (Exclamation) No, really: WHAT THE FUCK???

So I get home from the gym yesterday evening, and turn on the old computer to be greeted with the headline, "Clay Aiken to be a Father." After slapping myself in the face repeatedly to make sure I didn't drop dead of a heart attack on the treadmill and went to gossip blogger heaven, I read on. So many questions! Who? How? Why? How again?! I'll let Us Weekly field these burning inquiries:

Idol Clay Aiken's producer is pregnant with his child, TMZ.com reports. Jaymes Foster (who is reportedly in her late 40s) was artificial inseminated with the 29-year-old singer's sperm, according to the report.

Aiken lives with Foster - described as his "best friend" - when he's in L.A. and plans to be involved with parenting their child.

Well of course if Clay Aiken was going to be a father it'd have to be freaky-deeky Michael Jackson turkey baster sex to some lesbian almost twice his age. Because you know the alternative is too horrific to even imagine. Step aside, pregnant man -- you are no longer of interest to me.

More of Clay promoting his new album which will only be purchased by women 50 and over: