Bitchfight: (Noun) An epic battle between two petty, catty, unlikable individuals.

One very important duty of a gossip blogger is always know whose side to take in any kind of celebrity feuds or skirmishes. But I was completely unprepared for a Tom Cruise/Drew Pinsky throwdown. Dr. Drew threw the first blow, telling Playboy:

"Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that's a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect."

If anyone else said that, I'd agree. Tom Cruise is insane and Scientology is a cult. But Dr. Drew, aside from being the ringleader of the schadenfreude bullshit which is "Celebrity Rehab" -- appeared on the "Today" show the morning after Heath Ledger's death to give his uninformed diagnosis before the facts were even known. Clearly, a contemptible person. Tom Cruise's lawyer, you're up:

"This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill. The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels." (Source)

Hmm... Comparisons to a Nazi? Not cool. Dr. Dipshit? Your turn:

"Although Mr. Fields's intent is clearly to slander and discredit Dr. Drew, under no circumstances is Dr. Drew making a blanket diagnosis about Scientology nor Mr. Cruise whom he does not know. Dr. Drew was simply using Mr. Cruise as an example of someone who is recognizable to help the public understand. Again, Dr. Drew meant him no harm." (Source)

Oooh, passive aggressiveness. Nice. In all seriousness though, I have no more clue who to root for than if you trotted out my former Junior High bully who once tied my shoelaces to my desk and the boss at a waitressing job I had in college who used to grope my tits; and forced them both into an ultimate fighting competition. I guess I would just hope for a long and brutal fight in which each party finally collapsed in a pool of his own blood and sweat with no real winner declared. So anyway... I believe it's your move, Mr. Cruise.