Wiener: (Noun) A dorky, socially inept, or boringly studious person, or someone who used to star on "Saved by the Bell."

Sometimes they just make it too easy. So anyway, at a Oscar Meyer charity event yesterday, the newly single Mario Lopez told People what he's looking for in a girl. You know, in case any ladies out there were interested or whatever.

"I'm a pretty low-maintenance kind of guy. I'd like to be with someone who is secure with themselves. She has to understand that I have a lot going on and I'm busy."

"I'd like someone who has their own thing going on - their own 'passion,' whatever it is." A surefire way to win him over? "I like a girl that's funny."

So basically, he's looking for a funny bitch who's not clingy and has got her shit together. Hmm. By this account, it sounds like I could date Mario Lopez. Go on:

As for pet peeves: "If she's a big chain smoker, I'm not really a fan of that. Or a cusser - someone who isn't nice to people."

Oh. Well, whatever jerk -- like I really wanted to date you anyway. Maybe I have a little something known as "standards" myself, did you ever think about that, Mario? Huh? Like maybe I don't date guys named after Nintendo characters. And did it ever occur to you that maybe some girls don't like stupid dimples and ginormous muscles? Maybe I'll just give Screech a call. See? Doesn't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot, now does it,
Mr. I'm-Too-Stinkin'-Hot-to-Date-Mean-Girls-Who-Curse.