Personally, I just think there's just something super-duper sexy about watching Amanda Peete argue. (Celebslam)

Britney is schtupping the help, a former Israeli army man. Those dudes are for real, man. Watch it paparazzi. He could break you with a stare. (Yeeeah!)
 
Whoopi Goldberg has had 50 sexual partners! Aaaaand there goes my lunch. (Celebitchy)

In Advertisements that Work: British Trannies. (Agent Bedhead)

Judge Judy can moooove. (The Blemish)

Fucking Elmo. (Seriously? OMG!)

Rihanna shows us her nipples. (IDLYITW)

Jamie Lynn Spears to get married behind the double-wide. (Celebwarship)

Evil Dead 4, bitches. Get some. (Pajiba)

Hayden Panettiere and the nerds don't exactly jibe. (Galley Slaves)

With photoshopping like this on her side, Jessica Simpson can afford to eat at the IHOP and Olive Garden every day! (DListed)

Vulgar: (Adjective) Making explicit and offensive reference to sex or bodily functions.

Samantha Ronson accompanied Lindsay Lohan out in Los Angeles yesterday wearing a shirt with naked wieners all over it, in front of children and God and old people and everyone. While this does seem really crass and inappropriate, you gotta cut the girl a break. I mean, she is dating Lindsay Lohan here. She's got to keep hold of her attention somehow, and what better way than to camouflage herself with dick? Kind of like how hunters spray themselves with deer urine.

Click thumbnails for uncensored photos:

Broke Ass (Adjective) Refers to a general loser or failure at life who ain't got no money.

For those curious about what happened to the legendary musician, Willie Aames, from the band "Willie Aames & Paradise" (less cool people also know him as Buddy Lembeck from "Charles in Charge"), here's a time line of his life's events:

1979: Forms Willie Aames & Paradise.
1982: Stars in Zapped!, alongside Scott Baio.
1984 - 1990: Stars in "Charles in Charge"
1995 - 2004: Stars as Christian Superhero, Bibleman.
2005: Loses 19 lbs. on VH1s "Celebrity Fit Club."
2008: Falls $350,000 in debt; files bankruptcy in home state of Kansas.

Damn! That broke ass was only paid a combined $29,000 for his recent book and appearance on "Celebrity Fit Club." But there's always a silver lining: Willie Aames and his son were recently robbed, but the thief only got away with $15.

Keeper: (Noun) Significant other whom would make for good marriage material.

Kim Kardashian, who has been dating Reggie Bush for awhile now, recently told In Touch that she's started checking out bridal magazines and planning her wedding. Which might come as somewhat of a surprise to Reggie Bush, who hasn't so much proposed yet.

“I was in Vegas last weekend for a bachelorette party and saw how hectic it is to plan a wedding, so I’ve decided to start planning mine before being asked!”

Kim Kardashian is a modern woman, and in this modern society of ours, many men don't like to have to make pesky decisions of "who they are or aren't going to marry." Which is why I personally usually just wait until after the first time I sleep with a guy before whipping out the bridal magazines. Also, never underestimate the beauty of a faked pregnancy, because sometimes men don't aways realize that they don't want to make the pesky decision of who they are or aren't going to marry.

More of Bear Trap McGee at a fashion show earlier this week:

Chiseled (Adjective) (of a face) having strongly defined, clean-cut facial feature.

At yesterday's HFPA's Annual Installation Luncheon, Aaron Eckhart and "Mad Men's" Jon Hamm engaged in the institution's First Annual Chisel Off, a battle (to the death) between two square-jawed celebrites. It was close -- Hamm put a deep gash into Eckhart with his cheekbones, but in the end, Eckhart's dimpled chin struck the fatal blow. Next up for Eckhart: "Heroes" Adrian Pasdar. Good luck gentlemen.  

Self-Respect: (Noun) Pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity.

Kathy Griffin has recently come forward to say that she'll never enter a chop shop ever again, after having extensive plastic surgery done several years ago.

"I’ve been off the junk, as I call it, for five years," she says in the September issue of Fitness (out August 14). "I’ve had face lift, eye job and all that stuff five years ago.

"What I found, though, was that it didn’t help me one bit," Griffin says. "It didn’t get me happier or didn’t make me look particularly younger." (Source)

Come on, if plastic surgery is so bad, then how do you explain Madonna and Meg Ryan always getting it done? Oh, riiiiight. They look like monsters. And actually, Kathy Griffin is looking pretty damn fine in these pictures. Can you even believe that we live in a world where Kathy Griffin has now officially surpassed Madonna in hotness? Think about that.

Porn Star (Noun) A person who performs sexual acts on camera.

Early enough for you? Are you feeling wide awake? Have you had your morning coffee yet? A big bowl of cereal? Raisin bran, huh? Yeah. That's good stuff. Lots of fiber. Make ya regular. Oh, and a donut, too, huh? Nice breakfast fattie. You slather that donut with cream cheese, too? Figures.

Well, get ready to heave it all back up, sports fans. Don't bother sticking your finger down your throat this morning; I've got blog ipecac, a nice piece of mental imagery that's gonna wrack your tummy with spasms, and turn that 2,000 calorie breakfast into a zero calorie puddle. On your keyboard.

Bill Bellichick has a sex tape. Yeah. You heard me.

I heard from someone who is close to the case that there is a sex tape of Bill Belichick banging the married woman he had an affair with. I shit you not. The husband who is suing that woman for being unfaithful to him has a tape of his wife and Belichick screwing while the two of them were still married.(Source)

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you come here for celebrity gossip? Who gives a shit. This here is real news! The devil himself is a porn star. The most evil man in sports has been caught on camera shoving his devil-horned penis into a blonde woman that looks vaguely like Dina Lohan. Oh sure: That tape may never see the light of day (thank fucking God), but the knowledge that it exists is surely enough to haunt half of America.

Bill Belichick: Porn star. Write it down. Run it through your head. You think he wears those sleeveless hoodies to bed? You think he draws diagrams of his girlfriend's body before he goes exploring? Hell, if the past is any indication, he probably has a file of sex tapes of his girlfriend and her old partners, which he uses for research. Fucking cheater.

Porn Star: (Noun) A person who performs sexual acts on camera.

Dina Lohan reportedly went ballistic after finding out from TMZ that her Daughter Ali auditioned for legendary pornography director Peter Davy for the part in the horror remake of Troll.

Ali Lohan's rep tells us the girl had no idea that Peter Davy was behind such classics as "Breast Wishes 14" and "Bun Busters 12." Sources tell us the meeting was actually set up by Ali's agent. Apparently, no one gave Dina a heads up -- pardon the expression. (Source)

Puh-lease. You mean to tell me that the fame-mongering mother of the 14-year-old girl who wants to be "just like Lindsay Lohan" didn't know perfectly damn well what she was getting into until TMZ helpfully pointed it out? I've heard more believable declarations of innocence by crackheads soliciting undercover police officers on episodes of "COPS." And while offering a blowjob in exchange for crack as recorded by a hidden wire may seem like irrefutable evidence, I've also seen "Living Lohan." And really, they're pretty much or par.

Good lord, no wonder she wears those ugly hats all the time. (Socialite's Life)

Or if she's tired of the hats, independent film offers another solution. (Pajiba)

What, you thought looking as hot as Britney Spears came without a hefty* pricetag? (Yeeeah!)

Ali and Dina Lohan get kicked out of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants afterparty -- on their asses!** (The Blemish)

Maybe John McCain can turn to a career in gossip blogging when he loses the presidential election. (Celebslam)

More pics of Wrangler McConaughey from OK! magazine. (Seriously? OMG!)

We'd just like to take the opportunity to rub the anniversary of Jennifer Aniston's failed marriage in her face. (CelebritySmack)

Because Heidi and Spencer have been too quiet this week. (popbytes)

I don't know how I missed this earlier this week, but Mr. Boston tells of the time he almost got to do anal. (BestWeekEver)

On a related note, a guy only slightly creepier than Mr. Boston, and only barely safer for work. (Ayyyy!)

Miley Cyrus won't kiss a girl for attention... Yet. (CelebWarship)

* Editor's note: pun intended!

**Editor's note: this one, too.

Vanity: (Noun) Excessive pride in or admiration of one's own appearance or achievements.

Corey Feldman, pictured here with wife Susie at the signing of her Playboy issue, (classy) recently opened up about liposuction he had done after seeing himself in a photoshoot he and his wife did for PETA.

Feldman appears in an unbuttoned shirt next to his naked wife in the new PETA ad, which recreates John Lennon and Yoko Ono's famous Give Peace a Chance bed-in.

He says, "They were going, 'More skin, more skin, give us more skin." (Source)

Seriously, when is PETA just going to abandon this whole "Ethical Treatment for Animals" pretense and just be pornographers already? But more importantly, how is it even possible for Vanity Smurf here -- who eats nothing but nuts, seeds and grains -- to need lipo in the first place? I thought "being massively underweight" was one of the fortunate side effects of veganism, along with "naturally pallid skin" and "early signs of osteoporosis."

Editor's note: These two are going to have the messiest divorce ever. I can't wait!

Trucker Hat (Noun) A baseball hat with a mesh backing, the quintessential accessory of douche-chic fashion. It's one of the many Paradoxes of American School-age Culture: Rich kids paying out the ass to look like the kids they make fun of.

Talk about a couple of extraordinary nut sacks: It looks like Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake -- who should be arguing over whose the biggest labia fold -- are having a celebrity squabble over the goddamn trucker hat.

Justin Timberlake is convinced he was the first celeb to sport a trucker cap. The singer is slightly offended that fashion experts have credited hunky Ashton Kutcher, 30, with setting the trend. Justin, 27, is keen to set the record straight.

'It's funny, I keep hearing Ashton Kutcher say how he was responsible,' he tells Metro. 'I was wearing them when I was 17.'

Let's just settle this debate now, OK. You know who was first to wear trucker hats? Truckers. Middle-aged men with mustaches, Waffle House guts, and handles like "Yard Stick" and "Rubber Necker," who sleep in the back of their cabs and spend their days behind the wheel of an semi chatting on their CB radios. In other words: Guys who are about 47 times cooler than Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake. In fact, I suspect if a trucker saw a rich punk wearing a trucker hat, he'd probably laugh at them for paying $50 for the same thing he paid $4 for at a truck stop. Then he'd beat the shit out of him for being such a fucking poseur.  

Trannyfoot: (Noun) Similar to hookerfoot, condition of prominent wearing of comically oversized heels as the ones commonly worn by transvestites.

Sorry ladies, (and tiny men) but I hear Paris Hilton's new footwear line only comes in size 13 and up.

Suicide McCounaughbomber (Noun) A 40-year-old man (who thinks he's 20) wired with explosives that detonates himself in the name of a certain cause, like life, liberty, and the pursuit of trim.

Awright, awright, aw ... KABLOOOOOOOO!

McConaughmist.

Moo (Verb) The noise a cow makes. Also particularly useful in heckling fatties.

Nicely done, K-Fed. I like how he's wisely chosen an oversized T-shirt which gently accentuates his burgeoning man jubblies by creating swathes of fabric that drape down the entire length of his torso; as well as wide, three-quarter length shorts for maximizing leg stubbiness.

Didn't I just read that this guy is coming out with a fitness DVD? What the hell does he plan to do in it? Sit on a couch and eat bon-bons while he watches a bunch of attractive fitness models do all the work? It'll be just like his marriage to Britney all over again. Zing!!!

Extraordinary Nut Sack (Noun, Verb, Adjective) Meaning differs, based on context.

Thanks to the above advertisement, the TV Whore has encouraged the Pajiba faithful to make "extraordinary nut sack" a regular part of their lexicon. We're here to help, with an assist from a regular Pajiba and WIMB reader, Jeremy, who offers up these fine usages, in case your ever in wont of a situation where the phrase is appropriate:

You can use it as a noun ("Have you seen Iron Man? Downey Jr. is one extraordinary nut sack!"), a verb ("You kids better shut the fuck up back there, or I'm going to come and extraordinarily nutsack you little shits!") and an adjective ("I took my kids to see Wall-E, and they all thought it was Extraordinary Nutsack!"). (Source)

Personally, I like a more literal meaning, as in: Have you seen Cisco Adler's extraordinary nut sack?

Fabulous (Adjective) Beyond all description of wonder, delight, desire, love, sunrise, ice cream, music, dancing, anger, awe, adoration, passion, hope, transformation, breath, breakfast, closing your eyes, touching, tasting, feeling, being, unicorns, rainbows, fucking, and bright shiny lights! 

Over: (Adverb) Finished, done, terminated, to have a fork stuck in, etc.

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong, both of whom will turn to dust if they stay in a committed relationship for too long, have predictably called it quits after three months. Good thing they didn't do anything stupid like jump the gun and play house with each others' kids or anything, right? Oops.

Each had introduced the other to family. Hudson's mom Goldie Hawn gave what seemed to be her approval at a July 1 lunch at The Ivy at the Shore. Also, Hudson's four-year-old son Ryder went to a Father's Day brunch with Armstrong — and dad Chris Robinson - in June. (Source)

Now, I'm the last person who should be telling anyone how to raise their kids... But when your child starts approaching strange men at the Home Depot and asking "Are you my Daddy?" -- I think it's safe to say the irrevocable damage has already been done.

Older photos of Kate and Lance playing tennis the unconventional way, (with tongue):

VH1's "I Love Money" hails the future as predicted by the film Idiocracy. (Pajiba)

No really. Goddammit. I'm reaching maximum Miley-sposure, here. (Yeeeah!)

This is Mr. Belding. (BestWeekEver)

Who could have foreseen that putting not one but two Coreys on a TV show together would be self-destructive? (Seriously? OMG!)

Keira Knightley takes a stand against DEB. No, not the shitty store at the mall: Digitally Enhanced Breasts. (The Blemish)

Courntey Love in all her deflate-boobed, ruffle corset-tankini'ed glory. (Celebslam)

Brendan Fraiser stars in a "hair-raising" adventure of epic proportions! (Agent Bedhead)

Oh, shit. Batten down the hatches -- Britney is a free woman! (Celebitchy)

Dumbest pissing contest EVAR. (PopOnThePop)

There now actually exists a Facebook group for WIMB fans. Can you even believe it? So yeah: you should totally join. All the cool kids are going to. (Facebook)

Pick Your Battles: (Phrase) Old saying suggesting that you should only choose fights you think you can win for the greater good of victory.

Brooke Hogan has had it and she's not gonna take it anymore! No, not because of people being disgusted at the thought of her naked body, or for suggesting that she's a tree fucker or even that her whole family should be killed. No, apparently someone had the gall to suggest that she missed her brother's birthday. Gasp!!! Brookehole writes:

Heres how stupid and inaccurate the media can be... According to the press I didn't show up to my brothers 18th birthday at the jail.
Lets see...
*hes in jail
*Its an important birthday...the big 18!!!
*I'm only a 4 hour drive to Tampa
*He's the most important thing in my life.
They must have thought I didn't show cause they didn't SEE me. uhh...there's such thing as a back door you jerks. (Source)

Well, you know what they say, Brooke: You shouldn't cry over spilled milk. Especially not when your family has slaughtered a live cow with their bare hands and now everyone's covered in bloody cow innards. Something like that anyway. Editor's note: I still hope you die!

Mama Hogan bringing her little man a birthday gift yesterday. Vroom vroom! Hope he has fun being the first person ever to be sodomized with a podunk skateboard on his birthday!

Hookerfoot: (Noun) Condition stemming from the prominent wearing of heels more commonly worn by prostitutes and strippers.

Thanks to Fergie's new footwear line, a brand new strain of hookerfoot is now expected to break out across the entire Southern California region. Symptoms include listening to shitty Fergie music and surreptitiously having a penis.

Contraceptive: (Noun) A device or drug serving to prevent pregnancy.

Lifestyles condoms have publicly offered Miley Cyrus, who is allegedly saving herself for marriage, (emphasis on allegedly) $1 million to be their new prophylactic spokesperson.

"Pop culture proves that teens are more ready than ever to discuss the subject of sex," says the company's VP of marketing, Carol Carrozza. "We believe that Miley is both influential and relatable to this afflicted set—and is the obvious choice to get the message of safe sex out to teens across America." (Source)

On the surface, this might seem like an unlikely pairing. But if you talk to any mother who has ever been dragged to a screaming little girl-filled Hannah Montana concert, spent their entire Christmas bonus on plastic Hannah Montana crap, or been forced to sit through hours upon hours of the blithering dreck that is the Hannah Montana TV show -- I think they'll be more than happy to attest that the pull-out method is a load of fucking horseshit.

More of Miley dressed like a jockey covered in puke last week:

Jealousy Card (Noun) A cool little trick whereby you fill your vagina with multiple penises in order to win back the favor of your favorite penis.

Alanis Morissette, who would totally be my girl crush if I were gay (do the math on that one, haters) admitted this week that she used the old-fashioned method for getting over her break-up with Ryan Reynolds: She fucked everything that walked upright, including an old grandfather clock (it was dark, and she forgot her glasses);

"All my life I've been in long-term monogamous relationships. I had to break that pattern by not allowing myself to have a relationship for a year, stopping myself from committing to men. I haven't been celibate. I've had lots of dates and lots of sex, but I haven't been pushing to turn a date into a relationship. This has been a huge thing for me."

You see what she's doing here, don't you? She's playing the jealousy card. She knows if Ryan reads about her having "lots of sex," that he won't be able to stand it. That he can feel it when she's scratching her nails down another man's back. That he can't stomach the thought of her being with another man. With other men. With a Canadian football team of wild stallions. That the thought of her replacing him would be too much to bear and he'd have no choice but to dump ScarJo and return to the warm, loving embrace of Alanis (now with 30 pounds more warmth!).

Oh, a guy can dream, can't he?

Appalling: (Adjective) To be awful; just fucking terrible.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are pictured here out in New York yesterday, sensitively holding their noses as this homeless man walks by. This is actually kind of a change though, since from what I understand homeless people usually cover their crotches when Lindsay Lohan walks by. I know you probably think that sounds completely horrible, but come on. Like being homeless doesn't suck enough without having to worry about having crabs on top of everything.

Lame Incarnate (Noun) The human embodiment of lame, otherwise known as Dane Cook.

In an MSNBC piece about the rightful heirs to George Carlin, journalist Michael Ventre -- who either clearly doesn't test his sources for drugs or got his journalism degree from the back of a cereal box -- actually had the audacity to print the following quote from Jamie Masada, owner of the Laugh Factory, who posits that Dane (fucking) Cook is the guy most likely to follow in Carlin's steps:

Yet the performer he cites first as an example of the excellent health of standup comedy in a post-Carlin world is Dane Cook, a popular but polarizing presence on the standup scene.

“Why does Dane Cook have 2.5 million, 3 million fans on MySpace? Why does he sell out two shows at Madison Square Garden, and tickets go for $7,500 on eBay?” Masada asked.

“(Cook has) found a wonderful way to communicate with young people,” Masada said. “He talks about subjects that young people want to talk about. He’s one of a kind. Dane was ahead of his time. He worked hard and he got it going.

“Madison Square Garden? George Carlin couldn’t sell that out.”

I don't even know where to begin, other than to suggest that someone needs to punch this guy in the neck. Since when did we equate popular, mainstream appeal to talent? George Carlin was who he was because he broke barriers, he fucked with the system, and he was fucking hilarious. Not because he could sell out a venue. Dane Cook mispronounces sandwich and develops entire routines around standing in line at the drug store. Dane Cook believes that, if something isn't naturally funny, all he has to do is YELL LOUDER and the audience will eat it up. Dane Cook is a shmuck. Dane Cook is a Douche-tongued lothario, the Prince of Douchelvania, the Captain of the S.S. Douche. He is lame incarnate. The man wouldn't know funny until it blew a hole in the back of his throat, which actually might warrant a chuckle or two. Why do millions of people love him?

Because they don't fucking know any better.

Black Death: (Noun) The great epidemic of bubonic plague that killed a large part of the population of Europe in the mid 14th century.

So how crazy is this? I was out for drinks with friends last night, and at one point I began loudly and drunkenly rambling (as is my way) that Amy Winehouse was totally gonna die soon. And then I got home to find that she had been rushed to (and later released from) the hospital, after allegedly "suffering a reaction to medication."

Well, that sounds enough like our girl Amy. Either "reaction to medication" is a euphemism for "took one too many speedballs" or it's just a blatant cover-up that she was being treated for the plague again. Take your pick. Either way, it look like Amy Winehouse miraculously is going to continue living for now.

In case you missed it, Shia Labeouf completely Labeoufed his car while totally Labeouf-faced. (Celebslam)

When trying to hide your face from photographers, try not to expose your nipple. Rookie mistake, Blake. (The Blemish)

And speaking of hiding from photogs, the paparazzi was trying to get photos of Jessica Alba, but she kept blocking their view with an ugly baby. (Seriously? OMG!)

Damn Security Gates! Always talking shit, especially when you're fucked up. (Yeeeah!)

The skinny, the lowdown, the dish on the new T4, "It's Always Sunny from Philadelphia," and the new season of "Heroes," direct from Comic-con. (Pajiba)

I am a firm believer that Patty Cake is much more fun in large groups, in your underwear. (YBNBY)

I can't tell if that's Harvey Weinstein's wife, or his dinner. (Ayyyy!)

For those of you who have never seen Brooke Hogan in a bikini, I'm sorry about your blindness. (HQ Celebrity)

Having had his way with Sienna Miller, Balthazar Getty is now begging his wife to take him back. (Celebitchy)

Chin: (Noun) The protruding part of the face below the mouth, formed by the apex of the lower jaw.

That is all.

Extremely Effed Up (Adjective) Damaged in an extreme fashion. 

It's one thing for Britney Spears to depict a victim of a brutal sexual crime for fun and profit, but this, folks, is too much. This is real-life disrespect of the dead. Joshua Jackson hasn't been gone from this mortal Earth more than six months, and already some jackass impostor is trying to capitalize on his stunning good lucks and remarkable resemblance to the late Joshua Jackson by walking around Comic-con posing as Pacey.

You're not fooling anybody, fucktick. Joshua Jackson wouldn't be caught dead (no pun or disrespect intended) at Comic-con -- Josh didn't hang out with nerds. He was way too cool for that. Look at this guy and his partially unbuttoned, see-through shirt, and fey little wave. Joshua wasn't gay. He was a real man, who rocked a whole lot more chest hair than the sprigs this human facsimile is sporting. Do you research, impostor -- no one is falling for your bullshit, least of all the real fans of Joshua Jackson.

Beauty Secret: (Noun) A woman's personal beauty regimen, kept under a shroud of mystery, which she attributes to her feminine prowess.

Kim Kardashian and her sister, Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian pay homage to the secret to their success at the 40th Birthday Party for the almighty Big Mac. What, you thought people were just born with asses like Kim Kardashian's?

Effed Up (Adjective) Typically used in reference to being physically, mentally, morally/ aesthetically, performance-wise, or even theoretically damaged in some way. It, in and of itself has many gradient levels, such as 'slightly effed up', or 'extremely effed up', but all versions have to do with describing the level of damage.

In an effort to propel her comeback from drugged-out, crazy-lady sex fiend, Britney Spears has allegedly signed on to take a lead role in the film The Knoxville Carjacking Party, her apparent foray into snuff porn. My problem isn't so much with the frequent and intense sex scenes that the movie would entail, but with the idea of Britney Spears trying to do justice to a movie based on actual, brutal events committed upon an actual person, Channon Gail Christian, who was gang-raped, both vaginally, anally, and orally, wrapped in trash bags, and left in a trash can, where she suffocated to death.

There's no denying the heinousness of the crime, but by casting Britney Spears (and DMX, so rumors have it), the filmmakers aren't trying to make a respectful movie about an atrocious crime, they're trying to capitalize on it, trying to appeal to a certain demographic who would love nothing more than to see Britney Spears engage, onscreen, in sadomasochistic sex with a cadre of men. It'd be one thing if she were an actual actress with a modicum of acting talent, but she has none of that. This is stunt casting, pure and simple, meant to bring in the pervs and, apparently, right Britney's career. And it's totally effed up. You wanna fix your career, Brit? Play a stripper. Or a druggie. Or even a mentally retarded person (none of which would be too far a stretch). But don't disrespect the dead.

Grade-A Turds: (Noun) Individuals with all the personality and usefulness of an actual log of shit; a real "dud" or "stinker," you could say.

A prestigious awards show host should ideally be someone with a great charisma, charm and a stellar sense of humor. Apparently, in lieu of finding someone with any of those qualities, the 2008 Emmy Awards have decided to settle for sheer quantity; as this year's awards will be hosted by hosts of lesser programs: Ryan Seacrest (of "American Idol," who also hosted last year) Heidi Klum (of "Project Runway"), Howie Mandel ("Deal or No Deal"), Tom Bergeron ("Dancing With the Stars" and "America's Funniest Home Videos") and Jeff Probst ("Survivor").

Man. Someone is having a no-personality TV host party, and nobody thought to invite Carson Daly? That's just wrong. Poor guy is going to be sobbing into a pint of Chubby Hubby for weeks, now in addition to just on Friday nights while watching "Ghost Whisperer."

Photos of Heidi Klum, because no one wants to look at Howie Mandel or Tom Bergeron:

Ugly Stick (Noun) A stick that has the magical property of turning anyone touched with it, ugly. A beating from the ugly stick will have a much more severe effect than just a casual touch. Ugly sticks come from Ugly Trees, which can be found clumped together in ugly forests.

Well, I suppose we can guess at why Madonna and Guy Ritchie are having marital difficulties. He beat the hell out of her with an ugly stick. Domestic abuse is not cool, Guy. And neither is Madonna's new look: Nouveau Hideous. Holy Jim Beam.

Mature: (Adjective) To have reached an advanced stage of mental or emotional development characteristic of an adult.

During a visit the Comic Con late last week to support her upcoming film, Repo! The Genetic Opera, (already touted by me as potentially the worst film in history) Paris Hilton told People magazine that she finally "feels like a grown-up now."

"I think my whole life I was kind of living as a teenager and not really taking responsibility," Hilton told PEOPLE. "Now I realize that I'm an adult and I'm running a huge company and I'm in love. I'm in a great relationship. I have my family. I'm just excited for life."

Being an adult means a lot of different things to a lot of people. To some, it means holding down their first real, good paying job. To others, it means fulfilling the dream or finally owning their own home or becoming a parent. To Paris Hilton, it means to stop being such a whore. Fair enough. As long as she doesn't use this newfound adulthood as an excuse to start reproducing, she can call herself President Grownup for all I care.

Neil Patrick Harris is an adorable fairy. (Seriously? OMG!)

Whoa. Meg Ryan really does have superpowers! She can go from skinny to fat to skinny like a speeding bullet! (Yeeeah!)

Amy Winehouse smokes funny looking cigarettes. (Celebslam)

Ethan Hawke refreshingly does not hide his newborn daughter so he can sell pictures of her to a tabloid magazine, therefore I will not make fun of this baby. (Celebitchy)

Siegfried and Roy are the proud parents of two new baby tigers: "Stripey" and "I'll Finish the Job-ey." (Ayyyy!)

Rose McGowan doesn't see the point of Comic-Con if you can't fulfill hundreds of nerd fantasies. (The Blemish)

Since Amy Winehouse is terrifying to most creatures, this makes sense. (Agent Bedhead)

In the epic battle of Shanna Moakler v. Kim Kardashian, there are no winners or losers because they're both still whores. (IDLYITW)

Dustin is working on getting the review of Step Brothers up... (Psychic Spoiler Alert: It Blows!) (Pajiba) So in the meantime, check out some awesome T-shirts. (Pajiba)

Elmo plots to kill Mariah Carey. If he can't have her, no one can! (BestWeekEver)

Insecurity: (Adjective) A personality trait of someone who lacks self esteem, often lashing out at others in a petty or childish way to boost their own faltering confidence.

I can't believe I'm posting a second item on Miley Cyrus today. This website really must be going to shit, huh? At any rate, I was going to use the word "bitch" for this entry, but I didn't want to tarnish the good name of Webster's is my Bitch by doing so.

But wow: Miley Cyrus is really, just like, a total fucking bitch. I barely know anything about the young Disney up and comers, Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato, who are the subject of this bratty little spectacle (although I'm sure I'll grow to hate them in time) but seriously? This little chipmunk-faced piece of shit has nothing on them. Maybe Selena and Demi should make their own video of themselves covered in bedsheets crying, "NOOOO! Don't take my PICSHUUUURE!!!" and tongue-kissing a big cardboard cutout of Billy Ray all while maniacally flashing the peace sign. Well, that's what I'd do, anyway -- but of course, I am obviously an expert at deal