Crazy Bitch (Noun) A woman who, after a break up, slashes the tires on your car, burns your clothes, and tries to get you fired from your job then calls you the next day wanting to reconcile.

Oh, come the fuck on. Britney Spears' news? On a Friday? Jesus Christ, you just couldn't let me out of this goddamn week without foisting that crazy bitch on me, huh? The Gossip Gods are assholes, every last one of them. They also look like a Ryan Seacrest and Marc Malkin double-backed monsters and I have a mind to send Joel McHale and Zeus over to the Gossip God cloud and Winehouse their goddamn faces.

Moving on: Britney Spears -- in a moment of divine lucidity -- has apparently agreed to terms with Kevin Federline over the custody of their two children, the terms being that Federline gets full physical and legal custody, while Britney gets visitiation rights, so long as its done in a padded cell while that crazy bitch is strapped down to a gurnee with a ball-gag in her mouth (those were the actual words in the settlement agreement, I believe).

K-Fed and his entourage of Funions has credited the deal to the influence of Britney's father, who is now her co-conservator. At the end of the month, a judge will decide if Jamie Spears should be her full-time co-conservator. In other words, whether that crazy bitch should have someone hold her hand for the rest of her life. And, according to F-Fed's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan:

"While I can't tell you the terms, the order does anticipate what happens if the conservatorship is ended," Kaplan told E! News. "The devil is always in the details." (Source)

The devil also lives inside of Britney's mind, and it's only a matter of time before Satan builds a tolerance to tranquilizers and compels Britney to eat her children. With some Cheetos and a nice Chianti.