Elope: (Verb) To run away with a lover.

As you no doubt have heard by now, Scarlett Johansson and fiancee Ryan Reynolds secretly married this weekend in some kind of remote "wilderness resort" outside of Vancouver. So... We all know what comes next, right? The big preggos announcement! It's true, the two have technically been engaged since May, but come on. When do celebrities ever get married in some tiny, super-secret ceremony unless one of them is pregnant? It's not even brilliant deducting. Over half of Hollywood weddings consist of tiny, super-secret weddings where the bride is pregnant. What the fuck? Have these people never heard of birth control? Or abortions, for that matter? Well, regardless... Congratulations to the happy couple.

Now if you'll excuse me, my ass needs to send a Harry & David basket STAT. No, not to Scarlett and Ryan -- but to my former colleague Dustin, who just got hit by a cherry curveball from this news. What kind of basket says, "I'm sorry your raging mancrush will never be fulfilled?" I'm guessing something with ring bologna.

Here are some uber-hunky recent photos of a bearded Ry-Ren to further ease the pain: