Adorableness: (Adjective) Inspiring great affection; delightful; charming.

Suri Cruise may not believe in pants, but what's important is that she does believe in cupcakes. And I'm pretty sure 9 out of 10 doctors will tell you cupcakes are better preventives of pneumonia better than pants. Well, it's warming my heart, anyway. You have to admit, this is very, very cute.

That little girl is going to freeze to death.

Authentic: (Adjective) Of undisputed origin; genuine.

Katy Perry went on record to say that her boobs aren't fake because apparently she thinks people care and are questioning the validity of her breasts. *Looks around silently while crickets chirp*

Speaking to British newspaper The Sun, she says: "They are as real as real can be. One hundred per cent genuine and untouched... well sort of. I would never spend money on fake boobs. Shoes, maybe. A handbag, maybe. But plastic tits - no way!" (Source)

So, in summary, Katy Perry's boob's are totally, 100% real. Her personality, bisexuality, attitude, hair, and pretty much every single other thing about her, on the other hand, is still completely fake. But, hey! At least her tits are real, so good for her!

Boobs McGriff unwisely rocking a Cleopatra haircut that makes her stupid face look fat performing at Scalo76:

Attention: (Noun) Notice taken of someone or something.

When Joaquin Phoenix made his big announcement that he was retiring from showbiz, it was probably the most anyone has talked about Joaquin Phoenix in, well, ever. So I guess he figured he was going to milk this whole "leaving showbiz" thing for all it was worth, appearing at a film festival in Los Angeles this weekend with "GOOD BYE!" written on his knuckles. So yeah, that's really cool. Really, really cool. You know what would have been even cooler? If he didn't spell it backwards. Way to show us, Leaf!

Apt: (Adjective) Appropriate or suitable in the circumstances.

Pete Wentz and Ashley Simpson are about to have their stupid baby and Pete Wentz talked about it. Zzzzzzz...

Wentz admits they haven't yet come up with a name for the baby. "I want to meet them first," he said. "My brother was almost a Duncan, and he's Andrew now. I think it might have ruined his life more if he was a Duncan." His goal? To make sure the baby's name would work as either "a rock star or a senator," he said. (Source)

Well, whatever they decide, they better make sure the name goes with being a "lonely emo freak who has no friends because his dad drops him off at school wearing makeup and his mom looks like Gargamel." I'm thinking Pete Jr.

Pregnant Gargamel fatting it up in Hollwood earlier this month:

Apocalypse: (Noun) The complete final destruction of the world.

I've had my suspicions for awhile now, but I think we're finally coming into the end of days. Yes, Paris Hilton has confirmed that she is, indeed, ready to start breeding.

"I definitely want three or four [children]," she told PEOPLE in Las Vegas Saturday night, while partying at Pure Nightclub for her sister's birthday. As for a timeline? "Soon," she said. "Maybe a year or two." (Source)

I'm pretty sure "Vagina of Napalm Bearing Offspring" is one of the final signs of the end of the world, along with plague, pestilence and "Former Beauty Pageant Contestant Clinching Vice Presidential Nom."

More from the Anorexic Hilton Sister's 25th birthday party:

Arr, Matey: (Expression) Something a pirate says, can mean anything from "Hello" to "Yes my friend, I concur."

Since Mischa Barton doesn't have like a job or anything, here she is at London's Fashion Week. Fashion is something which can be interpreted many different ways by different people, but apparently to Mischa it means going to the Halloween Adventure Store and picking out the finest "Pirate Wench" costume they have in stock.

Also, did anyone else just get the strangest craving for a Jack Daniels Flat Iron Steak? Huh. Maybe I'm just pregnant or something.

Anorexic: (Adjective) Someone with an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

When I watched the first (and only) episode of the new "90210" I thought all the girls on the show were in like their early teens. Since they were all so skinny, I just assumed their bodied hadn't fully developed yet. Turns out they just have crippling eating disorders!

"They want the girls to gain weight," a show source tells Us. "They are trying too hard to be skinny, and it's started to wear on them. It's just not healthy."

Stroup, 21, is 5-foot-8 but weighs 100 to 105 pounds while Grimes, 18, is 5-foot-3 and stands at a mere 90 pounds, Beverly Hills-based weight-management expert Dr. Joyce Peters estimates to Us. "I've never seen Jessica or Shenae eat," another show source tells Us. (Source)

You know, I hope these idiots think this is all worth it when their hair starts falling out in clumps, and then stupid "90210" gets canceled anyway. Then they'll have no TV show and no hair. I mean, I could see maybe starving yourself for "Gossip Girl." At least that show is kind of good.

More of the Skeletal Sisters: Jessica Stroup and Shenaenae Grimes. Editor's note: I normally like ribcage tattoos but Shenaenae's says "Myself." What a dumb retard.

Available: (Adjective) Not currently involved in a sexual or romantic relationship.

Samantha Ronson's 33-year-old brother, Mark Ronson, (a.k.a. music producer with an actual bona fide career) has reportedly split up with his girlfriend, 19-year-old Agent Provocateur model Daisy Lowe.

‘She has said it’s over and that the age difference was a big deal. She comes over as being very mature for her years and incredibly sophisticated but at heart she’s still a little girl who’s not ready to settle down.’ (Source)

One time, back when Dustin still wrote here, he told he that he was forced to write homoerotic posts about Ryan Reynolds and David Beckham because I, as a red-blooded woman, essentially was not doing my job by ogling them myself. (Nice excuse!) Well, the reason for that is: I don't do this because I care about these people or admire these people. You could even say I'm above it. What I do is completely objective -- like an anthropologist of celebrities, if you will -- who also makes fun of them.

So the reason why I'm mentioning this... Is because Mark Ronson? Totally effin dreamy. Uhhh, yeah: I could give a shit about perfectly chiseled abs. Give me tall, dark and mod any day. And you know, Mark, if you ever get tired of dating tall, leggy teenage lingerie models, (which must be insufferably tedious, I'm sure) you could always give pint-sized thirtyish gossip bloggers a try. Plus, incentive!! I make a killer grilled cheese sandwich.

Mark and Daisy at the GQ Man of the Year Awards earlier this month:

Awkward: (Adjective) Causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience.

Pam Anderson reveals that she was recently forced to explain her infamous sex tape to her 10 and 12-year-old children after they begged to see the movie Borat.

She says, "I explained to them... 'Mom and daddy run about naked all the time and we taped some things... and someone stole the tape.' They really wanted to see Borat and I finally had a breakdown and let them because all their friends had (seen it) and I said: 'There are a few things we have to talk about before you see Borat.' So I did sit down with them and watch Borat. I kind of went 'La la la' over the parts I didn't want them to hear... I tried to muddle through that." (Source)

It looks like Pam Anderson has finally discovered the downside to the fun and glamorous
world of candid celebrity sex tapes: having to explain to your kids why mommy is such a whore. Well, that and explaining to dear old grandma why her sweet little granddaughter is such a whore. And of course when the local pharmacy runs out of Valtrex again. Huge downside, there.

But honestly, how do her kids not know? This is how she dressed when she took her son Brandon to a basketball game last Spring. I'm pretty sure she's not even wearing pants:

Assault: (Verb) To make a physical attack on.

Oh, lord. It looks like Gary Coleman is in some trouble again, after he and his creepy wife got into an altercation with a fan outside of a bowling alley in Utah. According to Coleman's bodyguard, the couple accidentally hit the man, Colt Rushton, (actual name) with their truck as they were trying to escape his harassment. Rushton on the other hand, has a different story:

He says he was just trying to get his cell phone back from Shannon, who had snatched it away. That's when Coleman put his truck in gear and and knocked him to the ground. He also said Gary threw several punches at him before getting behind the wheel. Rushton was treated and released from a local hospital.

Police are investigating the incident and say alcohol may be a factor. (Source)

You think alcohol may have been a factor? Because if there's one thing everybody knows, it's that Gary Coleman has zero tolerance for bullies. Hell, just look what happened to The Gooch. I hear that guy had to change his name and move to the other side of the country. If this guy didn't almost get himself run over by Gary Coleman he probably would have ended up picking a drunken fight with a mountain lion instead.

Arnold Jackson at the 2008 TV Land Awards (I have no idea what's going on here):

Acquiesce: (Verb) To accept something reluctantly but without protest.

After a long and arduous year of not having Kanye West appear at the MTV Video Music Awards, West has finally decided to end his boycott on the VMAs and will now be closing this year's show.

The outspoken rapper was upset by his treatment at last year's show, when his performance was relegated to a small stage in the Las Vegas venue. West also failed to win any prizes, and accused the music cable network of exploiting Britney Spears, who inadvertently stole the show by badly lip-synching and dancing to her new tune. (Source)

Well, this year should be totally different anyway, because Britney's all better now, and there's no way she'll totally hog all of the attention again. I mean, it's not like we're all waiting with bated breath to see what kind of crazy shit she does this year. Right?

Yeah... Just in case, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to give Kanye his own special VMA, like they did for the stupid kids in elementary school. Like the "Most Improved Attitude" VMA or the "Outstanding Attendance" VMA  or even "Best Sunglasses."

Russell Brand and Christina Aguilera at a press conference for this year's show:

Alternative: (Adjective) Of one or more things available as another possibility.

In an interview with E!'s Mark Malkin, the amazing trifecta of talent known as Jessica Simpson (singer, actress, beer spokesperson) revealed, among other things, that she plans to take a break from her film career:

Hopefully there’s more acting to come. I’m not closing that chapter of my life by any means. But I am all about the music right now…When it comes to acting, it’s gotta feel right for me at this point in my life. It’s gotta just be a really incredible director and production with an awesome studio and great cast…But for me right now it’s just Jessica Simpson is music. (Source)

Awww. How cute. I like how she says that as if she has a choice in the matter and not because her last two "films" went straight to the discount DVD rack and then nobody bought them. On a unrelated note, I plan to take a break from my as yet to be started supermodeling career. You know, I'm holding out for something classy, like a campaign for Valentino or Gucci. Because I'll tell you right now, you wouldn't catch me dead slumming for some skankwear like Juicy Couture or whatnot.

More of Jessica Simpson at the airport wearing five cows worth of leather:

Appropriate: (Adjective) Fitting or proper in the circumstances.

Because I am a Very Important Person, I often get emails from publications and PR Firms soliciting my help to feature their content. So I was totally excited to get an email from PETA last night, because you guys know much I love writing about them -- right? Anyway, they're promoting this list they compiled of the most vegetarian-friendly rehab centers.

It's about time, anyway. Seriously, this is probably one of the smartest things PETA has ever done. I'm sure that list is going to come in really handy for all the famous whores and retard scumbags they have working for them, who often frequent drug and alcohol rehabilitation centers. Better yet, maybe PETA should just start their own rehab. Since it's not like they've been doing such a bang-up job saving the animals or anything.

More of Pam Anderson saving the chickens with her cameltoe of animal justice:

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Androgynous: (Adjective) Partly male and partly female in appearance.

It's finally been confirmed that those stupid jeans Katie Holmes has been wearing out in NYC all week aren't just any mens' jeans, but in fact, her husband Tom Cruise's.

The couple's stylist Jeanne Yang confirms to Usmagazine.com that they are Cruise's Prps Jeans.

"It's the new look Katie is going for," a source tells Us. A reason Holmes has been rolling them up? She's 5'9" and Cruise is 5'7".

She's going for a "new look" by wearing her husband's baggy-ass, unflattering jeans? Riiiiight. I'm sure this has nothing to do with a carefully orchestrated ploy by Tom Cruise to get his wife to leave all of her clothes at home. I think it's safe to say old Tommy's been reliving his iconic scene in Risky Business ever since Katie left town. Just swap out "socks and underwear" for "Katie's high heels and skirts," "Bob Seger" for "Barbara Streisand," and "sliding across the floor" for "prancing about" and you've got a pretty accurate picture of what's been going on out at the Cruise compound this week.

Katie and Suri cuteing it up in the park yesterday: