Besties: (Noun) Slang for "Best Friends."

I thought Miley Cyrus's best friend was that slag she makes all those stupid YouTube clips with, but apparently it's actually Ashley Tisdale, of High School Musical fame. Anyway, to seal their friendship, Miley reportedly bought matching $1,417 Hidalgo horseshow rings for them.

“Miley saw this Hidalgo ring and said to her mom, ‘OMG, I need to get one of these for Ashley,’” a pal of Miley, 15, tells OK!. “She asked to order two — one for her and Ashley because they both collect things with horseshoes on them.” (Source)

Aww, that's actually kind of precious. Sometimes you forget that these are just little girls, and it'll be at least a year or two before they're sharing used condoms and coke straws. (Right now I hear Miley likes to keep her coke straw all to herself.)

Miley goofing around with Pimpy Mouse at the Disneyland Sweet Sixteen party:

Blowjob Face: (Noun) A facial expression one makes when performing fellatio.

Where have I seen this expression before? Hmmm... I just can't put my finger on it. Oh right: porno. Well that's nice anyway. You know, that once "The Hills" are over and Spencer gets arrested and thrown in prison for child molestation, Heidi Montag totally has something to fall back on. Good for her!

More of Frick and Frack being (what else?) annoying with tacos:

Bruised: (Verb) To have hurt someone's feelings or pride.

This would be sad if it weren't so funny. No wait, strike that -- this would never be sad. Anyway, John Mayer has allegedly sworn off women after his breakup with Jennifer Aniston.

“Since his breakup with Jennifer Aniston, he isn’t into anyone,” an insider tells In Touch. Even when the 30-year-old rocker hit NYC hotspot Tenjune on September 16, he only hung out with guys. “Lately, he’s really only spending time with his longtime friends — even some high school pals,” says the insider, adding that they can all be counted on to keep mum about his private life. “He’s always just with the people he can depend on. He’s even calling them his ‘circle of trust.’” (Source)

I guess nothing soothes the sting left by a woman quite like a little quality dude time. You can never underestimate the healing powers of a circle jerk. And a bro who comes through with a beej in your time of need? Is a bro for life.

Editor's Note: Get it? It's because John Mayer is gaaay!

More of Jennifer Aniston not looking particularly devastated in Cabo earlier this week:

Burn: (Verb) To insult or disrespect someone.

People magazine reportedly paid a paltry $500,000 for Clay Aiken's big fat gay announcement and pictures of his baster baby, (small change for celebrity baby photos) and part of the reason is because nobody even wanted them. Not even OK! Magazine, who will take any old scraps.

A rep said, "We did bid on the Clay story but thought it was just all right, not phenomenal."(Source)

Would someone like to explain to me how is Clay Aiken coming out is not phenomenal? I sure hope they had something equally shocking and scandalous lined up for that week, like reports that Angelina Jolie actually goes to the bathroom or something. I mean, you wouldn't think she would, right? She's just so perfect!

Bragger: (Noun) A person who says boastful things in a boastful manner.

On an appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" airing today, Gwyneth Paltrow rubs in Oprah's big, fat face about how she doesn't diet. Not ever! Even though she's so thin and beautiful!

"I just cannot diet," Paltrow, 35, says on The Oprah Winfrey show airing Wednesday. "I think maybe it's the idea that you can't have something ... I just can't do it."

"It's worth it to me to do that extra exercise so I can eat what I want and not think about it." (Source)

Unlike Gwyneth, we know Oprah is obviously all too accustomed with the concept of not having something she wants. Because otherwise, she would have had her fist knock that skinny white bitch's teeth right down her skinny throat.

Gwyneth with her skinny white bitch friend Kate Hudson at veiny white bitch Madonna's concert earlier this month:

Birthgay: (Noun) A really lame and annoying birthday celebration.

Heidi Montag celebrated her birthday this week enjoying her favorite activity: posing for staged "paparazzi" photos with boyfriend, professional douchetool Spencer Pratt. Later, she spoke to Ryan Seacrest about the big event:

"I got some amazing gifts and a cake that said, 'Happy Birthday, Princess Heidi!'" she said Tuesday on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show.

Pratt added that Montag has also been nagging him about starting a family. "Heidi talks about lots of kids all the time," he said. "She wakes up with these great dreams about five kids." Montag then interrupted, "I want, like, four. Maybe I'll adopt 10. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa."

I think Mother Teresa's corpse just spun so fast it actually ignited and caught on fire. At any rate, Heidi went on to talk about her feud with Lauren whatsherface:

"I'm 22 now, so I'm really grown up," she went on. "Life is really short, and I don't need negative energy. There are children who are sick in the worst and, like, important matters, and it's such a waste of time to be fighting and angry." (Source)

Wait a minute... Heidi Montag is only twenty-two? Is that in horse years? In that case, I don't know that the Princess Heidi cake and whore boots were maybe the most appropriate birthday gifts -- unless the cameras just left before she opened her time machine and sweet nectar from the Fountain of Youth.

Same shit, different pictures:

Big Spender: (Noun) One who spends lavishly and ostentatiously

If you thought looking as evil and skanky as Linda Hogan came cheaply, newly released legal documents have revealed an itemized report of just how much money it costs to be Linda Hogan. The tip of the iceberg? $7,258 on clothing and $1,690 on jewelry, per month.

To keep herself in shape to don those dandy threads, Linda Bollea, whose 2007 income was listed as $188,158, has also been shelling out $801 per month for grooming purposes. And she hasn't been neglecting the house, either, what with $7,502 being spent on monthly maid service and $2,464 going toward lawn and pool maintenance. Pet care costs $1,374. The biggest numbers come in the legal department, with $17,840 going toward her attorneys and accountants each month. (Source)

It should also be noted, Hulk Hogan shells out a bargain basement price of $40 grand a month for the privilege of having been married to his wife. I'm not very good at math, but I'd estimate that over the course of their marriage every time they had sex it cost him roughly five thousand dollars. Which is ironic, right? Since most guys would rather slam their wieners in a car door before putting it near that she-beast.

Old photos of she-beast lumbering around on a beach:

Bitch Crazy: (Exclamation) A response to the actions of some belligerent, crazy-ass, devil woman.

Here's a first look at Jennifer Aniston the the set of "30 Rock" where she's making a guest appearance as some kind of psychotic, stalker person. And good for her, I say! Lord knows, after all the woman has been through, this kind of unbridled display of rage must be cathartic. Between the constant humiliation of Brangelina being rubbed in her face and dating that big, plastic sack of vinegar otherwise known as John Mayer, if I were in her shoes I'd be taking every opportunity to senselessly beat the crap out of perfect strangers.

But hell, I'll go medieval on a perfect stranger if I'm PMSing and they look at me funny. It's a little known fact: being given the stinkeye is actually a perfectly legitimate legal defense for assault and disorderly conduct.

Big Fat Liar: (Noun) A rotund person who tells lies, and also smells.

Remember how Tori Spelling wrote all those juicy tidbits in her book about behind the scenes stuff on "90210," including how Shannen Doherty was a huge honkin' bitch who once got into a fistfight with Jennie Garth? Well... That might have been a smidge embellished. The fighting part, anyway.

"I think I would remember Jennie's fist connecting with a part of my body or a part of my face."

"It just goes to show you how people will lie," she says of Spelling's account in her autobiography. (Source)

Yow, ladies! Did it just get cold in here? So maybe Tori's abrupt departure from the show wasn't so much a monetary issue as a preventative measure for keeping Shannen's fist from connecting with Tori's face. Really, we could speculate about this some more, but ultimately our speculation will end up lasting longer than the new "90210" itself. Because you know that shit is gonna buh-low.

Collagen McGee at a "90210" premiere party last weekend:

Baffle: (Verb) To totally bewilder or perplex.

Like me, you've probably been confused and distressed by those horrid ugly peg-roll jeans Katie Holmes has been wearing all the time. Is it just us? Are we the ones who are wrong? Well good news! Tim Gunn, who I understand is something of a professional fashion man, agrees:

“I have to say, Katie Holmes has become so much more sophisticated in so many ways, but I think she’s in a dip right now. I can’t explain it.”

“She ascended from this tomboyish waif look to an incredible sexy sophisticate. We realize how much style she’s capable of. I don’t get it.” (Source)

I don't get it either, why a woman married to a gay man would start dressing all androgynousey all of a sudden. But you know what? I'm not going to waste any more energy worrying about it. I've got far more important mysteries to ponder, like how my iPhone always know what music I want to listen to when I put it on the "shuffle" setting. It plays sad songs when I'm sad and happy songs when I'm happy. Amazing!

Katie not wearing ugly jeans for once but instead wearing a see-through shirt:

Broke-ass: (Adjective) Of something that is cheap, shabby or overall busted condition.

Paris Hilton unveiled her new product called The Bandit this weekend, which despite sounding like a method of birth control or feminine product; is actually a new line of broke-ass fake hair. How broke-ass, you ask? Well, let me say this: there's velcro involved:

The Bandit is the first interchangeable hair extension headband. Because the hair extensions are literally attached with Velcro to the headband, The Bandit is simple, easy to use, and allows anyone to change their look within minutes!

It sounds perfect for anyone, who -- as a little girl -- looked at their Barbie's yellow nylon hair and said to themselves, "Yeah, I want that shit on my head." Likewise, it also sounds perfect for anyone who doesn't mind dying a gruesome death after their entire head explodes into flames in the event of a fire emergency. Because the only retardant about velcro hair is you, if you're actually caught wearing it.

Ms. Retardant herself, modeling her new line:

Breast Man: (Noun) A man who is obsessed with boobs, breasts, jugs, hooters, etc.

Sometimes when I'm lying awake at night contemplating the mysteries of the universe, I wonder to myself: does Hugh Hefner ever get tired of boobs? And after all these years, my question has finally been answered, thanks to Anna Faris.

Anna Faris may only be playing a Playboy model in "The House Bunny," but Hugh Hefner himself still made sure she measured up.

"Hef just stared at my chest," she told Access Hollywood at the film's premiere on Wednesday in Los Angeles. (Source)

That is outstanding. I would have sworn that by now, Hef would see a pair of barely legal titties the same way you or I might see a pair of traffic cones or eggs prepared sunny side up. That's like eating nothing but chicken pot pie every day for your entire life, and then going out to a fancy restaurant and being like, "YESSS! They have chicken pot pie here!"

Hef and his harem at The House Bunny premiere: (Editor's note: Kendra, try acting like you hate that old nutsack and those other two bitches a little more, why don't you?)

Bunny Ears: (Noun) The act of sticking two fingers up behind someone's head while a picture is being taken.

Ha ha! Ultimate bunny ears! If something like this happened on Kutcher's watch and somehow he had nothing to do with it, I hope he considers himself a complete and utter failure at his profession. Suck it, Kelso!

More from The House Bunny premiere, in which Rumer Willis plays an ugly girl with scoliosis. So, you know that must have been a real stretch for her as an actress, considering that normally she's so beautiful and has impeccable posture and everything.

Bat Shit Salad (Noun) Refers to the insane goddamn gibberish that crazy has-been celebrities spew forth in an effort to draw attention to themselves. 

Roseann Barr, who I once had a modicum of respect for, has taken to her blog in an effort, one can only assume, to gain quick entrance into VH1's next celebreality television show, "Celebrity Asylum." Indeed, only a couple of months after suggesting that Barack Obama is "an empty suit selling 'hope' in lieu of Truth" who supports "corporate racist anti worker bullshit," she has now seen fit to go after Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in a post addressed to Jon Voight:

Your evil spawn Angelina Jolie and her vacuous hubby Brad Pitt make about $40 million a year in violent, psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children, trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more. (Source)

It takes a special kind of crazy to force me into a position of supporting Jolie and Pitt, but give me a fucking break: $3 million is a helluva lot more than Barr donates with her nonexistent career (last television appearance, "My Name is Earl," two years ago), and it's not like they don't make enough money to support their children, whereas Barr has five children of her own (from four marriages) who I imagine will wreak a lot more white-trash havoc on the Earth than a few adopted African children. And as to the "violent, psychopathic movies"? Wasn't she in one of the Nightmare on Elm Street flicks? And given the amount of plastic surgery she's undergone in her lifetime, calling someone else "vacuous" is rich. Real fucking rich.

Point being: If you're going to talk shit about celebrities, Roseanne, pick someone worthy of scorn, like say: Spencer and Heidi, who donate nothing but stupidity to humanity. At least Jolie and Pitt make an effort, while Roseanne resorts to pointless, foam-at-the-mouth drivel. Why don't you go sell that bat-shit salad to someone who gives a damn.

Go shit in a can, lady. 

Balls: (Noun) Slang for testicles; someone possessing excessive toughness or nerve.

Wow, this is the most hilarious thing I've heard in a long time. Some criminals actually tried to mug Danny Bonaduce.

These wild-eyed dudes walked up to me and my girlfriend and one of them whipped out a carpet knife and demanded money."

Bonaduce, a martial arts expert, adds, "I'm tough, but I'm not invincible. I couldn't run because I was exhausted, so I decided to stand my ground. I said to the guy, 'There are two kinds of guys who carry knives - the kind who aren't afraid to stab someone and the kind who don't have it in them. I don't think you have it in you.'" Bonaduce approached the man, and was attacked, before the thugs fled. The star - who wasn't seriously hurt - adds, "The guys took off running, and I let them go because I was too tired to go after them. (Source)

Yes, those guys actually got off easy, because Danny Bonaduce would have gone after them if he wasn't tired. Imagine what would have happened had they actually succeeded in mugging him! Which is just silly of course; as if there's any other kind of outcomes besides "failure" and "extreme failure" when attempting to mug Danny Bonaduce. Really, I just can't get over the trying to mug Danny Bonaduce part. Wasn't there a more susceptible target around, like Robocop or a grizzly bear?

Reason #45679 why you don't eff with Danny Bonaduce, after the jump.