Convictions: (Noun) Firmly held belief or opinions.

Just so you know, when Pam Anderson isn't getting naked for PETA or staging protests outside of KFC establishments, she spends her time making appearances at the opening of steakhouses. But before you go throwing around words like "hypocrite" and "whore," (OK, you can still call her a whore) just because she's not carrying a picket sign doesn't necessarily mean she's not protesting. For all we know she could have left behind crabs on all of the toilet seats in the restaurant. Like Ruth Gordon's character in Harold and Maude once famously said: "Still fighting for the big issues ... But now in [her] small, individual way." Words to live by, my friends.

Animal Cruelty: (Adjective) Behavior that causes pain or suffering to an animal.

Right now, to make myself feel better about this whole situation, I'm trying to tell myself that this dog is actually Paris Hilton reincarnated. For that to happen, I have to convince myself to believe not only in reincarnation but also time travel. It's kind of working. So trust me, that dog totally deserves it.

Also, if you think this is bad, you should see the baby seal fur moccasins Guess has got planned for their Fall '09 collection. What won't these people to do turn a buck.

Looking bored and vapid with her manwhore yesterday:

Clarification: (Noun) The act of making a statement or situation less confused and more clearly comprehensible.

Lindsay Lohan is firing back at reports that came out yesterday that she was considering joining the Las Vegas burlesque show "Peepshow," which is currently starring Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown and Kelly Monaco.

But Lohan, who saw the Peepshow premiere over the weekend, says that for the right amount of money, she would be open to making a onetime appearance in the Sin City spectacle. "One show as a guest would be fun," she says, adding that she'd do it just "for play."

Lohan, 22, wanted to clarify a Fox News report from Monday in which she was quoted as saying, "If they make me an offer and the money's right, I'll do it." (Source)

So yes, just to clear things up: She won't do it for the right amount of money; she'll do it one time for the right amount of money. Did you honestly think that Lindsay Lohan has nothing better to do than take on a job that she has to regularly show up to? Like, every day? Please. That's a complete insult to the utter lack of hard work and nonexistent devotion that's gotten Lindsay to where she is today.

More of Lindsay and Scary at the opening of "Peepshow":

Cryptic: (Adjective) Having a meaning that is mysterious or obscure.

The Jonas Brothers have revealed the cover of their fourth studio album (really?) to be released on June 15th, and the internet is abuzz as to the meaning of the title: "Lines, Vines and Trying Times." So to break it down, I'm assuming "Lines" is some kind of drug reference, while "Vines" somehow relates to Tarzan and "Trying Times" refers to the state of the economy. So if I had just one guess as to what the title of the album means, I'd say it has something to do with the Jonas Brothers being totally gay. I mean, hello, it's a Jonas Brothers album. That's pretty much the only thing it could be about.

Looking like three gay Indiana Jonses at the 17 Again premiere:

Congratulations: (Noun) An expression of praise for an achievement on a special occasion.

I didn't report on this story before, on account of how overwhelmingly goddamn lame it was, but Ashton Kutcher has won his twitting contest with CNN to reach a million followers. Kelso marginally beat out the network by about 30 minutes, hitting the mark early this morning.

"We are over a million. CNN is still trying to get there. And that is just how it goes," Kutcher said as he popped open the bubbly. "There are a million people that need to be thanked for this." "This is David versus Goliath," Kutcher said.

"This just shows how people want to get information. It is about us. It means that one man can have a voice as loud as a media network." (Source)

Just like David and Goliath. Yes, that is almost EXACTLY what it was like. David was armed with nothing but his sling and five stones taken from a brook, and Ashton was armed with nothing but a photo of his wife's ass. Also, David freed his people from the Philistines and Ashton, uh, got more friends on twitter. It just goes to show, figurative translations of the Bible are still just as relevant, if not more, even today!

More of the Twit King during filming of his new movie, 5 Killers:

Contaminated: (Adjective) Something made impure by exposure to a polluting substance.

Gwyneth Paltrow and her assy shoulder pads are renting a swanky apartment in Los Angeles while she films Iron Man 2. However, she soon discovered that the place was overrun by filthy, disgusting rats. Let me be the first to say: "Ha ha!"

A friend tells the publication, "Gwyneth wanted everything to be perfect. She was so excited about moving to L.A. with the family and to be closer to her actress mom. It will be the first time in ages that she, Chris and the children will be living together as a family. But her stomach turned at the thought of rats running around. She didn't want her homecoming ruined by those horrible creatures. Being an animal lover, Gwyneth didn't want the vermin harmed, just removed." (Source)

Hmm... Is it just me, or do I totally smell a new GOOP newsletter coming from this? Sure, maybe at first it sounds gross, but think of how better than everyone and enlightened she'll feel about herself if she learns how to coexist with the rats? Mark my words, within months living with the rats will totally be the new macrobiotic diet or naming your kids after fruit.

More of the Queen of the Vermin at the "Valentino: The Last Emperor" premiere:

Chilly: (Adjective) Uncomfortably cool or cold.

Last night Nicole Kidman accompanied her tiny, highlights-loving husband to the Academy of Country Music Awards. I don't know why she was there, though, when the Care Bears are still running around all willy-nilly, spreading their brand of love and happiness all over the stinking place. They must be stopped! And if Nicole Kidman isn't going to do it, then who is? Professor Coldheart? Please. That guy is so out of practice it's ridiculous.

Crap: (Exclamation) Expressing anger, disgust, or frustration.

Paris Hilton's 19-year-old brother, Barron Hilton, has decided that he wants to carve out a career of his own after having his whore sister and the other one sister hog up the limelight all these years. He's setting reasonable goals, too, aspiring to be a mere "international singer-songwriter." Oh, goody.

I'm done with partying and traveling. It's time to get this [bleep] started." Hilton, who's recording tracks at his Upper East Side apartment, isn't signed to a label, but is developing a reality show with Viacom.

"It's gonna be like 'The Hills,' but real," he says. "A lot of that stuff is pre-setup or re-setup. This is gonna show the meetings, the production side, the recording side . . . I just want people to say, 'Wow, this song really moved me, or made me cry.' " (Source)

So basically, he's hoping his reality show will launch some shitty music career, and is pretty much following the exact same trajectory as Paris Hilton. So far he's having more luck, though, because I haven't even heard his songs yet and I'm already crying. And drinking. And shaking my fist towards the sky, cursing a cruel and malevolent god. Well played, Barron. Well played.

More of Paris Hilton and her manwhore at Perez Hilton's birthday party, because I don't have any more photos of Barron:

Craptacular: (Adjective) The most supreme and spectacular level of crappiness.

Oh, happy day, for Heidi Montag has a new single out! "Look How I'm Doing," which debuted this morning on Ryan Seacrest's show, was apparently not written by Heidi Montag but unfortunately was still sung by Heidi Montag. Which naturally still makes it horrible. Us Weekly has the scoop:

The catchy pop song was written by Cathy Dennis, who also penned Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" and Britney Spears' "Toxic."

Could the lyrics -- " Your excuses get better/you couldn't give me time" -- be about beau Spencer Pratt? (Source)

I never get tired of Us Weekly's crack reporting. "Was this song, which we literally just reported that Heidi Montag did not write herself, based on personal experiences in Heidi Montag's life?" Seriously, no matter how much alcohol I regularly put into my body, it's nothing compared to the brain damage I receive slogging through this horseshit on a daily basis to bring you people gossip. Maybe I should try a safer line of work, like asbestos scraping on paint chip taste tester.

Frick and Dumber at Perez Hilton's birthday party:

Confused: (Adjective) Of a person unable to think clearly; bewildered.

If Britney Spears hadn't already given enough reason to not have her mic live for any reason whatsoever during one of her, you know, "concerts" by announcing that her "pussy was hanging out" to a live audience a few weeks ago; at a show in Washington D.C. earlier this week she wished the crowd "Merry Christmas" before running offstage. (0:50 mark)  Then again, if you think about it, on the grand scale of crazy things Britney Spears has ever done, this barely even rates. I'd give it a "2" if anything. Maybe she would have gotten a "3" if she had said it in a British accent or something. And really, she's only like three months off, anyway. Are you perfect? I personally wrote "2008" on one of my checks last week. Where's my lynch mob at?

Committed: (Adjective) Feeling dedication and loyalty to a cause, activity, or job.

Uhhh... Yeah. Joaquin? Definitely not a hoax. At a gig last night (above) he attacked a heckler and had to be forcibly removed from the premises by security, all the while Casey Affleck filmed on. It's kinda hard to make out, so here's the rough translation:

An enraged Joaquin, sounding a little more coherent than in recent appearance, announced: “We have a f***ing b**** in the audience. Nodding his head while rapping to a beat, he told the man: “I've got a $1million in the bank. What have you got b****?”

Joaquin - who sources say arrived four hours late for the gig at the LIV night club in the Fontainebleau Miami Beach hotel - then launched himself into the crowd. (Source)

To say that "this won't end well" is probably the understatement of the year. I'm guessing, specifically, it's going to end somewhere along the lines of "Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a kaiser blade."

Before all hell broke loose:

Culprit: (Noun) A person who is responsible for a crime or other misdeed.

Good news! The mystery woman who was texting Chris Brown which provoked the fight which ended "punchy" has been identified! It's his 39-year-old manager, Tina Davis, pictured above. Gooosch!

Sources tell us the woman who left the three-page text message on Brown's cell phone is Tina Davis. Davis -- who turns 40 this month -- was rumored to have had a relationship with Brown when he was 16. Brown and Davis have denied it. (Source)

It's kind of poetic, really. She's like Helen of Troy, only instead of being "the face that launched a thousand ships," she's "the face that launched a thousand punches. Into Rihanna's face." Hmm... Doesn't sound so poetic when you put it like that.

Common Sense: (Noun) Good sense and sound judgment in practical matters.

Miley Cyrus went out jogging with her underwear model boyfriend and his crucifix of statutory rape this weekend wearing denim cut-offs, sunglasses and what appears to be a bikini top, because... I don't know why. Because Miley Cyrus is a fucking idiot. Don't get me wrong, when I was sixteen, I was a fucking idiot, too. All sixteen year olds are. I think I actually used to go rollerblading in the summer wearing nothing but like, a swim suit. But you know what the difference is between me at sixteen and Miley Cyrus? About $100 million dollars, give or take a couple hundred grand. Once you can buy yourself a solid gold toilet, you are no longer are afforded the leisure of going around being a fucking idiot all the time. Sorry, I don't make up the rules. That's just the way it is.

Convert: (Noun) A person who has been persuaded to change their religious faith or beliefs.

Kanye West has been seen around fashion week with the above model named "Amber Rose," who looks like the love child of Max Headroom and one of the Robert Palmer girls. Oh, and if you were wondering, yes, Amber Rose just happens to be a lesbian. Because Kanye West is so full of himself he thinks straight girls aren't enough of a challenge.

Supposedly, Amber’s ex-girlfriend is Trevon or Tre, aka Tiffany, who was featured in a DVD called “Aggressives” some years back. They broke up when Amber dumped Tre for Kanye. (Source)

I guess if you like pussy, you really can't do much better than Kanye West, right? The guy is only like the biggest pussy in the whole world! (I am on fire today!)

Clean Sweep: (Noun) A naval expression meaning a successful mission.

Slumdog Millionaire wasn't the only big winner last night. Paris Hilton also collected a few awards for her cinematic endeavors. In other words, yes, the Razzie Awards were also held this weekend!

Much like Oscar nominee Kate Winslet at the Golden Globes, the hotel heiress swept the acting categories, being named Worst Actress for The Hottie and the Nottie and Worst Supporting Actress for Repo! The Genetic Opera.

Hilton was also gonged for Worst Screen Couple with her Hottie costars, Christine Lakin and Joel David Moore. (Source)

I don't know what film role Paris Hilton is eyeing up next, but maybe she should just respectfully withdraw her name from next year's consideration -- if not to be fair to her fellow nominees. It's the same reason why Kate Winslet can't play a nazi or Tom Hanks can't play a retard in every movie. There's only so many Oscars to go around, you know.

More of the Big Winner dressed completely asininely at Fashion Week: