Crying Shame: (Phrase) Typically sarcastic response to an unfortunate situation.

Awww! Sad news, everybody: Miley Cyrus might be losing her voice! I can't attain to the validity of this news, which comes to us via Star Magazine and is denied by her reps -- so keep your fingers crossed.

The teen sensation's multimillion-dollar singing voice could be at risk after she developed a vocal cord nodule, a source tells Star.

"Her concerned parents took her to the doctor, who diagnosed the beginning stages of a nodule," says the source. The small, bump-like mound of tissue, also called a node, is caused by continual straining of the voice and can lead to surgery if left untreated." (Source)

If you've never heard Miley Cyrus speak, the best way I can describe her voice is: "42-year-old diner waitress in the early stages of emphysema." So this very well may be true. Well, at least she's got her looks, right? Ha ha, I'm sorry -- that was just mean. Besides, some guys happen to like rat-faced girls with scoliosis.

OK, OK, I know it's mean to make fun of 15-year-old girls. But you know what? She annoys the living shit out of me. Every time I see her making that stupid peace sign I just want to grab her stupid hand, jab it into her stupid face and go: "Why're you poking your eyes out? Why're you poking your eyes out??"

Seriously. She does it all. The. Effing. Time:

Mariah Carey's photo retouchers get their hands on Britney. (Yeeeah!)

Mischa Barton knows how to accessorize dilated pupils like nobodys business. (The Blemish)

The Fillion in a porno? Count me in times a mill-ion. Pun intended! (Pajiba)

"Clitt" is seriously my new favorite celebrity couple name ever. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay Lohan kinda sorta came out of the closet! Well... Duh! (Celebitchy)

Dita Von Teese corners the 1930's "Cabaret Stripped Demographic." (Best Week Ever)

Nicole Kidman gives Jacko a run for his money. (Ayyyy!)

The most famous red carpet nipple-slips. Stay classy! (cityrag)

Donnie Wahlberg is a philandering skank-magnet. (CelebWarship)

Gwyneth takes her holier-than-thou bullcrap to the internet. (BricksAndStones)

Solagne Knowles doesn't look bad if you ignore the dead crow stapled to her head. (POTP)

Gwen Stefani is rocking huuuge lactating childbirth bazongas! (HQ Celeb)

Nobody knows how to do side-boobage quite like a cylon. (Popoholic)

Catfight: (Noun) Some kind of altercation (physical or otherwise) between two women, typically over a man and with sexy results.

Well, we all knew this was coming: Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst are throwing self-respect and dignity to the wind and fighting over The Mac Guy.

First, the two starlets were both backstage for the Saturday Night Live broadcast. Drew was on hand to hang with good pal Cameron Diaz, who was making a cameo on the show, while Kirsten was there to cheer on her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who had been given hosting duties for the week.

"Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in," one witness tells OK!. "James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron." (Source)

Ladies, ladies. Now, don't you know what they say about living well is the best revenge? Yeah, well you're way past that, because "living well" would entail going back in time and not fucking dating The Mac Guy in the first place. They may as well fight with a homeless man over a half-eaten sandwich found in the garbage at this point.

Ms. Sloppy Seconds looking, per usual, sloppy at the premiere of Hounddog:

Creepy: (Adjective) Causing an unpleasant feeling of fear or unease.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt revealed their portraits by famed celebrity photographer Martin Scholler... And, uh, is it just me or are they really not flattering? Not that his work generally is flattering, but this takes it to a whole new level of unflattering. Like unflattering in a way that you want to cover up your orifices so they can't sneak in and eat your soul.

But the sad part is, while everyone else in the world with eyeballs sees a disturbing embodiment of empty, dead-behind-the-eyes soullessness; Spencer is just like: "Me and Heidi got our picture taken. We're awesome." And even that's not so much "sad sad" as it is "ha ha sad."

Catastrophe: (Noun) An event causing great and often sudden damage or suffering.

As you've probably heard by now, musicians Travis Barker and DJ AM were the sole survivors of a Learjet crash, which killed four people including the pilot and Barker's assistant. The two remain in critical condition due to severe second and third degree burning, but are expected to make full recoveries.

This whole thing is pretty sad, and I would consider myself lucky to go a lifetime without experiencing the excruciatingly painful injuries these two have sustained. And so, until the day that Heather Mills loses her other leg in a plane crash or Joe Francis gets his dick burned off, I will continue my longstanding tradition of not making fun of plane crash victims.

Editor's note: Babies are still fair game.

Cryptic: (Adjective) Having a meaning that is mysterious or obscure.

Oh look! Rumer Willis has a new tattoo! What a lucky coincidence it is that her dress is so revealingly cut to showcase it, which I'm sure was not done on purpose whatsoever. But what does it say? I'm just dying to know. Be pre... Hmm... Be prejudiced? She doesn't strike me as a racist. Be premenstrual? Well, she does strike me as a bitch. Be preoperative? Now that would explain a lot. But, I guess we'll never know, save for seeing Rumer Willis naked. And I have better things to do with my eyes... Like claw them out or insert hot pokers into them.

Editor's note: It also looks like Eagle Scout Malloy has lost weight. What better way to take the focus off her big, gigantic head than make her body teeny tiny? Good plan!

Confusion: (Noun) The mistaking of one person or thing for another.

In an interview for the October issue of Harper's Bazaar, Kirsten Dunst was questioned over the rumors swirling of her relationship with Justin Long:

"[They] are the funniest thing on planet Earth. I don't know him from Adam. I met him once and he and his friend were kind enough to walk me home. I've never seen him since." (Source)

In this context, it may sound like Kirsten Dunst is nothing but a filthy, bald-faced liar, (see photo above) but honestly I think the problem lies with the way the question was phrased. Maybe if the interviewer had inquired about Kirsten's relationship with The Mac Guy, she would have responded with something like: "Ohhhh, right. The Mac Guy. Yeah, I'm totally banging him." Rookie mistake, Harper's Bazaar.

Greasy McSnagglemouth out and about recently:

Chop: (Verb) Cut something with repeated sharp blows using an ax or knife.

Whoa. Posh Spice totally got a pixie cut! And fuck the haters, because I for one love it that short hair is back in style. She's going to have to work on making her face the same color as the rest of her body, though, because... Yeah. That's really noticeable, now.

Your move, Katie Holmes? You know she's going to do it next. She's so predictable like that.

Totally off the subject here, but why is J Lo making a sex face in all these pictures:

Crystal Ball: (Noun) A solid globe of glass or rock crystal, used by fortune-tellers and clairvoyants for seeing into the future.

In a never-before-seen Webster's is my Bitch exclusive, I bring to you: The Jonas Brothers... Of the future!!! If you're wondering where the girl-haired middle one is, in 2019 he joined an all-male burlesque revue in Vancouver under the stage name Mademoiselle Fifi Le Pew.

Editor's note: this is actually a photo of German musician Peter Maffay and a wax figure of himself. But the resemblance is uncanny, no?

The Jonas Brothers of today, who are still a bunch of Grade-A Turds and not yet Old Farts:

Casanova: (Noun) A man who is amorously and gallantly attentive to women.

I've got some sad news today, so I'm just gonna come right out and say it: David Duchovny is in rehab. Like, the kind you go to for fucking too much.

"I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction," the actor said in a statement on Thursday. "I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family." (Source)

With all due respect to Tea Leoni and their beautiful children, David Duchovny isn't a sex addict! Would you say that Monet was a painting addict, or that Ghandi was a peace addict? No. Sometimes God just bestows these incredible gifts onto mankind, and to not share them with the world would be, in a word, selfish. And David Duchovny was clearly born with the gift of sexy. It isn't simply a compulsion for him to share the reverse cowgirl with the world's women... It is God's will.

With Agent Scully at the UK premiere of X-Files:

Child Abuse: (Noun) Maltreatment of a child.

Gwen Stefani and husband Gavin Rossdale's welcomed their second child yesterday, and like any responsible celebrity parent, made sure to give their newborn son a name which would ensure a long and hellish childhood at the mercy of bullies and tormentors: Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. I guess it's more original than just naming him Kick Me Rossdale or Ultimate Wedgie Rossdale, so... Creativity points!

Gwen at like fourteen or something months pregnant:

Considerate: (Adjective) Careful not to cause inconvenience, harm or offense to others.

Since it's been awhile since we've seen Lindsay Lohan's saggers, she was thoughtful enough to give the public an eyeful while out and about in L.A. yesterday. I think a good rule of thumb to follow when getting dressed in the morning is: would this outfit get me turned away from Red Lobster? Lindsay here obviously hails from the same school of thought. You can never take enough precaution against accidentally ingesting substandard popcorn shrimp.

Clash: (Noun) An inconvenient coincidence of the timing of events or activities.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. This is major. Are you ready? OK, get this: Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt might actually cross paths at the Toronto Film Festival!!

Pitt, 44, is among the stars who will walk the red carpet gala at the festival for the North American premiere of his Coen Brothers' flick Burn After Reading on Sept. 5.

Meanwhile, Aniston, 39, is scheduled to attend the Toronto fest to promote her romantic comedy Management — about a traveling art saleswoman fighting off the advances of a flaky motel manager — which is premiering Sept. 7. (Source)

Don't you people see?! If Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt come face to face with each other, it might actually create a tear in the spacetime continuum, sucking our entire universe into a black hole and ending life as we know it. Why does everyone keep looking at me like that?! Somebody get Doc Brown on the case!

Recent photos of Jen -- now 98% more douche free!

Cushion for the Pushin' (Expression) A term used to describe a particularly shape and large posterior, usually found on attractive, voluptuous women.
By now you've probably seen the Before and After photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt, who has lost 18 pounds over the last 10 weeks (or so she says in Us Magazine). The angle most gossip bloggers are taking is fair: She kvetched and kvetched about how not ashamed of her body she was, how she was proud of her figure, and how it was OK not to be a rail with boobs for the cameras and then she turns around and loses nearly 20 lbs, which seems an obvious concession to the assholes who took her to task for those supposedly aesthetically unpleasing beach photos the paparazzi took a few months ago.

But what most people are missing is a more obvious point, at least from what can be gleaned from the before and after photos above, and that is: She actually looked better with a little meat on her bones. And I'm not just saying that to win brownie points from our average-sized female readers. I legitimately mean it: She looked better when her body could actually hold up a bikini. Now, her head looks too big for her body, her chest has lost its bang-zoom, and her fab-ass isn't nearly as fab. My apologies for borrowing a phrase from our misogynistic brethren, but she's lost that cushion for the pushin'.

But more than that, she's sold out to the very idea that she once rebelled against: That you have to be 36 x 26 x 36 to succeed, at least to the extent that her minimal talent allows. J. Love is a pretty woman, but she was a lot prettier when she was a woman and not a poster girl for waifism. 

Committed: (Verb) To be dedicated to something.

Jenna Jameson went, (sigh) what else -- naked! -- in a new ad for PETA encouraging people to spay and neuter this pets.

“Until dogs and cats can go on the pill or wear condoms, we need to help them practice safe sex — by spaying and neutering,” says Jameson. “Millions of homeless animals are turned in to shelters every year because there simply aren’t enough good homes for them all. The answer is easy as ABC: animal birth control, which means get Fido and Fluffy fixed!” (Source)

Well, you know she must be serious about the issue if she's willing to get naked over it. I hear Jenna Jameson only gets naked for her most dedicated causes, like helping the animals or stuffing fifteen wieners into her orifices simultaneously.