Desperate: (Adjective) Tried when everything else has failed; having little hope of success.

Now this is just getting effing ridiculous. Heidi and Spencer have resorted to bringing paparazzi to the grocery store? I guess they're exhausting their options pretty quickly now, having held "photo shoots" everywhere from the shooting range to the place formerly known as the Happiest Place on Earth. I guess the only place left now is the DMV. No wait, actually I believe they've done that before, too.

Oh, OK. You two think you're so damn smart, don't you? Well I've got one -- how about the Tar Pits? Do they still have tar in them? I can see it now, Heidi in a pink bikini, smearing tar all over her plastic boobs with that big slack-jawed smile on her face. Or better yet, how about a volcano! Nothing says "the perfect photo op" like a football field-sized caldron of bubbling, two thousand degree lava. I hear Lauren Conrad expressed interest in holding her next fashion show on the lip of an active volcano -- so you guys better go get on that, ASAP.

Duel: (Noun) A contest with deadly weapons arranged between two people in order to settle a point of honor.

Here's one of those rare stories that only comes around every once in awhile, which warms my heart and completely reaffirms my faith in the gossip industry: Michael Lohan wants to fight Kevin Federline. Oh, please please please please!!!

"Everyone wants me to fight K-fed because he’s a notorious celebrity dad and so am I," Michael tells OK! exclusively. "It’s for charity... I’ve been beaten up by the press, so I don’t care if I get a few shots by a kid half my age.”

Of course, we all know who the real "beneficiary" of this "charity" will be, and that's Michael Lohan -- who has already received undeserved attention just for suggesting such an event. But damned if I give a flying fart. I'll give the guy five American dollars out of my pocket right now to see him get his ass kicked by K Fed. Sure, that $5 bucks probably could have bought me a sandwich; but seeing a grown man have his last morsels of dignity pounded out of him? That, my friends, is priceless. And also, the beauty behind "Bumfights."

Shar Jackson with cupcakes (???) at her 32nd birthday party this weekend; because nobody wants to see pictures of Michael Lohan or K Fed:

Dud: (Noun) An ineffectual, unsatisfactory or worthless person.

In today's society pretty much anyone who has achieved a modicum of fame or notoriety is deemed deserving of their own reality show. Tori Spelling. The Kardashians. Chachi. Tiffany "New York" Pollard. Dina Lohan. And yet I say without a trace of sarcasm that a Verne Troyer reality show is the worst idea for a reality show I've ever heard in my life.

The Austin Powers actor, 39, has already begun shooting the series, and is hoping to attract interest from networks. Troyer tells Us Weekly, "It's about being a dwarf in Hollywood." (Source)

Between Verne Troyer drunkenly urinating naked on "The Surreal Life," the mental images of a Verne Troyer sex tape and the second Austin Powers movie, I feel that I've seen more than enough of Verne Troyer for one lifetime. I would rather watch a reality show about the "2 Girls 1 Cup" girls, ostensibly titled "2 Girls 1 House" before a Verne Troyer reality show. Actually, that's not such a bad idea. "When two girls stop pooping in a cup, and start living in a house together." Call my agent, ladies! Let's make this happen!

Who's the tiny dick who gets all the chicks:

Douchebag: (Noun) See above photo.

John Mayer was approached by reporters this weekend near his home in SoHo about his breakup with Jennifer Aniston, and since Mayer is a guy who values his privacy, he simply said "No comment" and went along his way. Just kidding! He spoke at great length:

"If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody," the singer challenged. "Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I've ever met.

"I'm sorry that the story's not interesting," the 30-year-old added. "But it's about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she's great."

Mayer snapped at a reporter who asked if he's dating anyone else. "Why are you asking me that question? I'm being as honest as I can possibly can be," he responded. "I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right. I don't waste people's time.

"I don't do 'the taper,'" he continued. "I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don't know how. And I'm going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I'm going to be honest on the way out of my relationships." (Source)

I heard he actually went on like that for awhile, and finally the reporters began to put away their equipment and disperse, and John started saying, "Where are you going? I'm not done yet!" And there was one lone reporter who was kind of hesitantly holding back, and John said to him, "Why don't you come up for coffee and I can tell you lots more about how I don't like to talk about my relationships?" And the reporter kind of shuffled his feet and was like, "Uhhh, that's OK... I have, uh, a doctor's appointment. Yeah..." And then John touched his arm and started to say something else and the guy was all "BACK OFF I SAID NO YOU FREAK!" and maced him and ran away, while John Mayer rolled around on the sidewalk by himself crying. True story.

Double Entendre: (Noun) A word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué or indecent.

Ooh! Ooh! I get it! Right? Because she's talking about wearing faux fur... But at the same time, insinuating that she fakes orgasms with her hundred-year-old boyfriend's shriveled old man wiener!! Which totally conceals that whole downer message of animals suffering. I mean, God, can you even think of anything more depressing than poor defenseless animals being brutally slain for their hides? Good thing we have this nice naked lady to look at instead. Slow clap to you, PETA. Another job well done!

Do Over: (Verb) To get a second chance at something you didn't do right the first time.

Dave "Uncle Joey" Coulier is finally opening up about being the guy behind Alanis Morrisette's iconic song, "You Oughta Know," which was consolation to more than a few scorned, drunken co-eds in the mid-90's.

"I said, 'Wow, this girl is angry.' And then I said, 'Oh man, I think it's Alanis,'" Coulier tells the Calgary Herald. "I listened to the song over and over again, and I said, 'I think I have really hurt this person.'"

Inundated with press calls, he says he tried to get a hold of her — and eventually got through. "I said, 'Hi. Uh, what do you want me to say?'" he recalls. "And she said, 'You can say whatever you want.'"

Eventually, he says, "we saw each other and hung out for an entire day. And it was beautiful. It was one of those things where it was kind of like, 'We're good.'" (Source)

Oh God, shut up Uncle Joey. What a dumb turd this guy is. Can we all just collectively agree that "You Oughta Know" was actually written about Ryan Reynolds and that Alanis maybe dated Uncle Joey at some point but totally dumped his sorry ass? Yes? OK, agreed!

Alanis, who did not, in fact, blow Uncle Joey at the movies, on tour earlier this summer:

Dorky: (Adjective) Stupid, inept, or unfashionable.

Oh man. I thought my senior portraits were bad. That numbnuts photographer put me in the most retarded poses, including one with a red, crushed velvet background and holding a plastic rose up to my face with my head tilted at an angle. Oh, and I'll give you one guess which one my parents bought, and which a 10" by 12" print of is also still hanging in a gaudy, gold frame in their living room. Yup, the boyfriend never gets tired of pointing and laughing at it either. Every. Single. Time. We go over there.

So yeah, a white piano in the middle of a park? So much worse. Nerd!!!

Downgrade (Adjective) When someone goes from having something relatively good to something that is worse than the original.

Eesh. Jena Malone was so cute in Step-Mom, wasn't she? And kind of cool in Saved! And you'd like to think this is because of a role she's filming, but she's already got one film in the can and nothing else upcoming.

I know how it is, though. You have one of those days where your hair is annoying the hell out of you, but the only thing more unappealing is spending 45 minutes with your hairdresser, who is guaranteed to drone on about Paris or Lindsay and you're all, "Like I don't get enough of that shit at home." So, you take out the only thing you have -- a pair of dog clippers you bought once because you thought it'd be easier than taking the mutt to Petsmart every four weeks (it wasn't) -- and then you start working at your beautiful flowing locks, backwards in the mirror, and before you know it, a chia pet has shat on your head.

I'll tell Jena what my old man always used to tell me: "It'll grow out. Eventually. Until such time as it does, invest in hat. You're not the fucking lead singer of Rancid. Now take out the trash you little shit."

 

Disaster: (Noun) A person, act, or thing that is a failure.

Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra are in Cabo promoting their new film, Disaster Movie; and judging by the staggering amount of combined talent here, I don't know if that's the most suitable or honest title they could have come up with. Then again, I guess something like Pure Shit Movie would be the kind of thing that's hard to sneak past the MPAA. Oh well, hopefully people will get the point anyway.

Disoriented: (Adjective) To feel confused or bewildered.

Paris Hilton, who has been mostly quiet about the whole McCain campaign ad scandal, has finally issued a statement of her very own, in the form of her own campaign ad. And... It's actually kinda funny. And surprisingly articulate. And made me giggle.

What is this I'm feeling? I think it might actually be a modicum of respect for... Paris Hilton?

GODDAMN YOU PARIS HILTON. If I can't hate you, I might as well just throw in the towel as a gossip blogger. My life's work, right down the shitter. Fucking fuckity fuck fuck.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go try to cleanse this experience from my brain in only the way a night of binge drinking straight out of the nozzle of the box of wine can allow.

Doughtnut (Noun) Sweet, rounded baked good, typically glazed with a sweet maple flavored frosting. It is a cursed fried cyclopsAnna Friel, star of "Pushing Daises," recently slammed Hollywood's obsession with weight, telling someone somewhere with a tape recorder, video camera, or note pad that she was once told by a "Daisies" producer to eat fewer doughnuts.

‘I told him he could have me or a model without a brain. The obsession with weight today is just incredible. Curves have gone out of the window and I don’t understand it." (Source)

Woah! She looks like that on a doughnut diet? Where can I get some of those doughnuts? The damn things go straight to my thighs, but then again, I'm a firm believer in the old maxim, "A dozen doughnuts are better than one." Especially those Krispy Kreme confections. I mean, you get one for free just for stopping in -- you're kind of obligated to buy a dozen, right? And those things go stale in about an hour and a half, so you really have to scarf them. That's why I invented the Krispy Kreme triple decker sandwich -- smash three KK doughnuts together, put them somewhere in the vicinity of your mouth, bite, swallow, repeat, enjoy!

Seriously: Anna Friel is hot.

 

The Dishes Are Done, Man (Expression) From Christina Applegate's "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead" yelled by her little brother after destroying the dishes with a skeet shooter. It means, literally, "the dishes are done."

I've always had a fondness for Christina Applegate, and not just because she has nice hooters. I grew up on Kelly Bundy, of course, but since the 80s, Applegate has quietly turned in a series of performances that are far better than the material she was given (most recently, her middling sitcom, "Samantha Who?" a sitcom that I nevertheless suffered through several times just to see the underappreciated Applegate work).

Sadly, it was reported this weekend that Applegate has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Fortunately, it was caught early, and she is expected to have a full recovery. She is anxious to get back to acting, which reminds me, of course, of her greatest role to date, that of Sue Ellen Crandal. The dishes are done, man!:

Drama Queen (Noun) An overly dramatic person; someone who turns something unimportant into a major fucking deal.

Kelsey Grammar, whose spokesmen revealed seven weeks ago that he suffered from a mild heart-attack while vacationing in Bermuda, told "Entertainment Tonight" that the heart attack wasn't at all mild and that, in fact, it almost killed him. 

"They had to blast me twice and get me started all over again," he told the news program in an interview to be aired on Thursday evening.

"I did think: 'Oh gosh, I have got to hang on. I've got too much junk I've got to take care of. I've got to take care of the family."'

Grammar, who stars in Swing Vote, alongside Kevin Costner, which opens next month, says that he was suffering from stress, which may have contributed to his near-death experience, after his sitcom, "Back to You," was canceled last year. 

"Obviously you play the hand you're dealt, and it has been a very interesting hand lately; it has been tough," he said. (Source)

Poor Kelsey. It really does have to be tough for the guy. The paltry royalties from two of the most successful (and re-ran) television sitcoms in history he probably has to subsist on. The heart attack was probably because of all the fast-food he was forced to eat because he couldn't afford anything else but the dollar menu at McDs and Ramen Noodles, which he had to eat in Bermuda. With his wife. In a hotel room that costs more per night than most of us make in a year.

Poor bastard. No wonder he had a massive heart attack, so massive in fact that seven weeks later he's shoveling shit and doing press tours for his upcoming movie. You gotta make a living, I suppose.

Duuuuude: (Slang) Universal term used commonly by surfers and stoners.

Matthew McConaughey got himself all gussied up with a shirt and everything to debut his McConaughspawn, Levi to the world via OK! Magazine.

"We found a great rhythm," Matthew tells OK! about the delivery of baby Levi. "Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."

Well, that would probably explain why Levi looks like he's saying, "Duuuude man, can a brother get a pass on that spliffy?" All in good time, Levi. All in good time. But right now, he's going to have to wait for his lungs to completely form. In the meantime the little fella will just have to settle for a regular old contact high.

Divorce (Noun) from the Latin, meaning to rip a man's genitals out through his wallet.

Here's some random Ben Folds gossip because, you know, WIMB is the only celebrity blog in America that specializes in a vaguely obscure pop artist who has sold about as many albums in his career as, say, Miley Cyrus sold last week. 

Anyway, nobody loves Mr. Folds as much as I, and I certainly don't know the details behind his divorce, but it must have been Heather Mills' messy, and his wife must have been one giant nagging, suffocating bitch. Or, at least that's the impression Ben Folds gives, indirectly of course, as he talks about his upcoming album, Way to Normal:

The songs are not topical," Folds says. "I was not interested in making a record about the D-word. I got all that stuff out of my system on the last record [2005's pensive Songs for Silverman], which was deliberately stoic. This new album is really about me being free, which is why it feels cathartic and expressive. It's about me coming back to being myself." (Hence the title.) "I came out of the courthouse, kissed the ground, and walked straight into the studio. I felt like a bottle of champagne that had been shaken for 18 months and popped open in the studio. That's why this record has so much energy." (Source)

I'm stoked as hell to get another high-energy, goofy piano pop album from Ben Folds, and the image that that quote conjures up -- Steve Martin doing his freedom dance in L.A. Story after he found out his girlfriend was sleeping with his agent -- is priceless. But this much specificity about his love life is unusual for Ben, and that -- along with the impression he gives of his ex-wife Frally, suggests to me that she got more than half, she got the fucking piano.

It's OK, though. His new wife is prettier anyway. And her name is Fleur, so if he accidentally says Frally's name, he could probably get away with it if he mumbles enough.