Expanding: (Verb) To become or make larger or more extensive.

In Jonas Brothers "Not Gay Whatsoever, No Really I Swear" news, The Jonas Brothers are developing their own clothing line! For little girls! The line will include preppy garments such as polo shirts, leggings and sweater vests based on their upcoming Disney channel series. From Pamela Lifford, the executive vice president of global fashion at Disney Consumer Products:

“The difference we have with the Jonas Brothers is that we have three young men,” Lifford said. “And when you look at their customer following, we have the whole heartthrob play, which is a great thing for us to work with when we are talking about tween girls.”

She added: “The Jonas Brothers are a lifestyle, not just a boy band. Their movie [Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience] lets you into their world, and the clothing line is just another way to do that. It’s a way to get closer to them and their world.” (Source)

Being obsessed with sexually ambiguous, barely legal guys is considered a lifestyle now? Funny. According to Craiglist casual encounters pages, it still only qualifies as a "fetish."

More of The Jonas Bromos at a press conference: (Really?)

Exaggerated: (Adjective) Represent something as being larger, better, or worse than it really is.

Between the recent weight controversy of Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan, I guess a couple people have also commented on Mischa Barton's figure. So Mischa, who is basically like a more useless and less interesting version of Lindsay Lohan, took to her blog to dispel rumors like she isn't totally excited that people are paying attention to her in the first place.

So lately there's been a lot of crazy press about my weight and just so you guys know I'm happier and healthier than ever so there is no need to worry about me. Things are really well in Mischa world and I've just been watching what I eat. (Source)

Mischa World? What's that? I wonder if it's anything like Disney World. Except instead of animal costumes everyone dresses up like hippies with Downs Syndrome and smokes pot like it's their job. Which is ironic, right? Because in Mischa World, having a "job" is strictly forbidden. I know, it's crazy, but I don't make the rules in Mischa World.

Endangered: (Adjective) Of a species seriously at risk of extinction.

Oh noes! Jon Bon Jovi's glorious, glorious mane is in jeopardy. Apparently, unbeknownst to everyone, Jon Bon has been fighting hair loss for quite some time now.

Bon Jovi says, "Oh, let me tell you, I am so worried (about my hair). I look at guys like Sting and think, 'Well, he's cool about it,' but I'm already losing it a bit and I'm so aware of it. Someone told me that you have to regularly massage your scalp, so I do that all the time. You look like a jerk, but it's got to be worth a shot, right?" (Source)

I'm going to impart a bit of Bret Michaels advice to Jon Bon and say that now would probably be a good time to invest in bandanas. Not only are they perfectly functional at hiding that pesky hair loss, but they go great with everything! From biker gear to silk pajamas! Your only question to yourself will be why you didn't start wearing them sooner.

At the "We Are One: The Obama Inaugural Celebration" last month:

Exhibitionist: (Noun) Of someone with a mental condition characterized by the compulsion to display one's genitals in public.

Another day, another round of candid Miley Cyrus self portraits hit the internet. I am no more certain that this chick will make a sex tape the moment she turns eighteen then I am about tomorrow being Wednesday or that the topic of Maury being DNA paternity tests.

Eulogy: (Noun) A speech or piece of writing that praises someone or something highly, typically someone who has just died.

Katy Perry, candidate for "Most Annoying Asshole of 2008," has broken up with her Gym Class Heroes boyfriend Travis McCoy. The split was confirmed after Travis posted the following lyrics to Main Source's "Looking at the Front Door" last week:

"We fight every night, now that's not kosher. I reminisce with bliss of when we was closer. And wake up to be greeted by an argument again, You act like you're 10...My friends always tell me how I'm lucky to possess the best looking girl in the whole U.S....it seems like just two years back when we were bonded and not pierced, but now I keep itchin' to jet," he wrote. (Source)

My overwhelming hatred of Katy Perry wants my first reaction to be something along the lines of, "This guy was too good for her anyway." But the sad fact of the matter is that Travis McCoy is pretty much best friends with the biggest tool in the world, and also posts songs lyrics to announce a break-up despite not being 15-years-old and in high school. Plus, just look at the guy. So really, the only way he could have been more alike and perfect for Katy Perry is if he were also her long lost fraternal twin. (Incest-alicious!)

More of Katy Perry hosting some New Year's Eve thing dressed like the Webster's dominatrix:

Empty: (Adjective) Containing nothing; not filled or occupied.

Breaking news, everybody! Mariah Carey is not pregnant! I repeat, not pregnant. She was reportedly seen in St. Bart's yesterday wearing a bikini, drinking red wine and eating oysters. Looking back, the only reason I can think of for the rumors starting is that Mariah Carey was wearing more clothes covering her body than usual. But then again, it's also been wintertime. So... Give her a few months and she'll be back to wearing midriff shirts again like they didn't ever go out of style twenty years ago!

More of Mariah in some bizarre Austin Powers get-up at the Grammy nominations concert earlier this month:

Electrifying: (Adjective) Of having been charged with electricity.

Seriously, Brendan Fraser, what the fuck? We all know you have hair plugs. Everybody knows it. But I still don't understand how that necessitates going for the "sticking your finger in the electric socket" approach to hair styling. The last time I saw hair like that it was sitting on the head of a My Pet Monster doll.

More of My Pet Brendan at the Dubai International Film Festival:

Emo: (Adjective) Characteristic of unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year olds who dont smile, high pitched overwrought lyrics and inaudible guitar rifts with tight wool sweaters, tighter jeans, itchy scarfs (even in the summer), ripped chucks with favorite bands signature, black square rimmed glasses, and ebony greasy unwashed hair that is required to cover at least 3/5 ths of the face at an angle. (Via Urban Dictionary)

In Ashlee Simpson-Pete Wentz news, during "TRL's" finale Sunday, Pete Wentz confirmed that they didn't have their stupid baby this weekend but did instead say that he did something completely gay and characteristic of himself.

"I went to Chinatown, picked up a bootleg version of Twilight and watched it like, 72, times," Wentz joked. (Source)

I've tried my damndest to avoid this whole Twilight phenomenon, but from what I gather it's a movie based on a series of books written about vampires for 13-year-old girls -- so it seems only natural that Pete Wentz would be into that sort of thing. Between this new revelation, poorly executed eyeliner, the wearing of size-0 jeans, nonsexual appreciation of Ashlee Simpson and inability to menstruate, I'd say the only difference between Pete Wentz and a preteen girl is pure biology.

Embellisher: (Noun) A person who makes a statement or story more interesting or entertaining by adding extra details, esp. ones that are not true.

At a concert in Boston last night, just hours after announcing her impending divorce from husband Guy Ritchie Madonna went on a (what else?) assy, vindictive little rant, presumably about her failed marriage.

Before she sang 'Miles Away', which Madonna previously claimed was inspired by Ritchie, she told the audience: 'This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category.

She also opened the show, which took place just hours after her spokesperson confirmed the split, with her track I'm Not Sorry, telling the 20,000-strong crowd: 'That's right, I'm not sorry.' (Source)

I don't think there's anything "emotionally retarded" about waking up next to your wife one day and realizing that she could crush your skull between her bicep for forearm. There's also nothing "emotionally retarded" about wondering what all those pills and injections are that she's been taking, and why it sounds like she's peeing standing up in the bathroom. That's called human nature, my friend. And if Madonna can't understand that... Well, it's probably because she passed "human" about three exits back when she started receiving packages with the radioactive warning symbol on them.

Egomaniac: (Noun) Someone with obsessive egotism or self-centeredness.

On yesterday's "Ellen," Kanye West told Ellen DeGeneres where his musical well draws the sweet water of inspiration from: the dude from American Psycho. Naturally.

"On this album, I kind of embody Patrick Bateman from American Psycho."

"You know at the end of the movie (that) he didn't really kill anyone. (I just liked) the clean aesthetic and the way he was all about labels. I wanted to express all of that in the video." (Source)

So... Kanye West is inspired by masturbatory narcissism and sociopathic fantasizing? Get. Out. I couldn't be any more shocked if you told me Pete Wentz draws his musical inspiration from an old VHS copy of Care Bears: The Movie.

Editor's note: I'm pretty sure those glasses don't even have lenses in them.

American Dildo with fellow egomaniac Stephen Colbert at an Emmys party:

Empty Threat: (Phrase) A threat with no real backing, usually just made for effect.

In Madonna Is A Stupid, Irrelevant Turd Who Tries Too Hard News part one billiondey, Madonna made a statement at a New Jersey stop on her "Sticky & Sweet" tour "banning" Sarah Palin from attending any of her concerts. Oooh.

She told the crowd: "Sarah Palin can't come to my party. Sarah Palin can't come to my show. It's nothing personal," before adding, "Here's the sound of Sarah Palin's husband's snowmobile when it won't start," followed by a loud screeching noise. (Source)

I'm sure the governor will be crushed... Because if there's one thing I see when I look at Sarah Palin, it's an inner gay man clawing his way to get out. Maybe Kathy Griffin or Liza Minelli will be a little less discriminating in who attends their performances.

Eww: (Exclamation) Reaction to something disgusting or gross.

And now, for your unintentionally-loaded, vomit-inducing quote of the day. Billy Ray Cyrus on 15-year-old daughter Miley's 20-year-old boyfriend, Justin Gaston:

"He actually reminds me a lot of myself when I was 20-years-old and I was living and searching for the dream." (Source)

I'm sure this resemblance was also fairly noticeable for Miley, as well. In fact, I bet if she closes her eyes, she can barely even tell the difference. If only he'd grow a soulpatch and bathe himself in Royal Copenhagen it'd be damn near perfect.

Ducky Lips and Statutory Rapist McGee on a date recently:

Elope: (Verb) To run away with a lover.

As you no doubt have heard by now, Scarlett Johansson and fiancee Ryan Reynolds secretly married this weekend in some kind of remote "wilderness resort" outside of Vancouver. So... We all know what comes next, right? The big preggos announcement! It's true, the two have technically been engaged since May, but come on. When do celebrities ever get married in some tiny, super-secret ceremony unless one of them is pregnant? It's not even brilliant deducting. Over half of Hollywood weddings consist of tiny, super-secret weddings where the bride is pregnant. What the fuck? Have these people never heard of birth control? Or abortions, for that matter? Well, regardless... Congratulations to the happy couple.

Now if you'll excuse me, my ass needs to send a Harry & David basket STAT. No, not to Scarlett and Ryan -- but to my former colleague Dustin, who just got hit by a cherry curveball from this news. What kind of basket says, "I'm sorry your raging mancrush will never be fulfilled?" I'm guessing something with ring bologna.

Here are some uber-hunky recent photos of a bearded Ry-Ren to further ease the pain:

Eye of the Storm: (Phrase) The most intense part of a tumultuous situation.

AUGH! This is just effing terrifying. I don't know if this horribly ill-advised extreme close-up is some particularly cruel photographer's idea of a joke... But for anyone who had any doubt remaining whether or not Christina Aguilera has her make-up applied with a high-pressure house-painting gun, this ought to settle things for once and for all.

More of Spackleface Aguilera -- or quite possibly, an impostor Real Doll® -- at last night's "Rock the Vote" fundraiser:

Extraordinary: (Adjective) Very unusual or remarkable.

Hole. Lee. Crap. Seeing Winona Ryder and Christina Ricci together on film like this is like capturing Bigfoot playing poker with the Loch Ness Monster playing poker. Not that I'm saying that one of them represents the Loch Ness Monster and the other represents Bigfoot or anything, because that would just be insulting and mean. Although Christina is, as always, looking too skinny and has unwisely opted against bangs again; and Winona appears to have had some work done... So if anything I'd say Bat Girl and an alien.