Failure: (Noun) A complete lack of success.

The reviews of Jessica Simpson's country performances are starting to roll in, and as expected, they're extraordinary. As in: that Jessica Simpson is an extraordinary nut sack, all right. Here are some choice snippets from an Ontario, Canada show:

It might be unfair calling Jessica Simpson’s show at the Avalon Ballroom Wednesday a train wreck. At some point, a train knows where it’s going.

Simpson needs to explain in exhausting detail what every single song is about, and the endless banter kills any momentum. She’s still living in a reality show, convinced everyone is so fascinated with her personal life, they’d rather hear her talk than sing.

How bad was it? Before the new song “Man Enough,” she said her man must be ready for anything - including the possibility she’s pregnant with an alien.

Simpson opened up about God, divorce and, um, flatulence. “I do pass gas a lot,” she said. “I guarantee it smells like roses.” Seventy bucks a ticket, folks.

Frankly, it’s hard to take her serious when she declares how much she loves “Destiny” Springfield, and then performs a version of “Son of a Preacher Man” so devoid of soul, Dusty would disown it. (Source)

At this point, I think the only adequate way to end the review would be to enter in a special code to the buttons on the video game controller and have his guy punch her guys head off. Or this would probably also work in a pinch. FINISH HER!!

I like how she wears the plaid shirt over the corset for that "authentic" look:

Free Speech: (Noun) The right to express any opinions without censorship.

Jerry Seinfeld testified in court yesterday in regards to the allegations that he slandered the woman whose book his wife ripped off. His excuse? The old "comedy" defense:

He was just mining the legal system for laughs - and supporting the right of standup comedians to do the same, he said. Seinfeld cited several episodes of the "show about nothing" where he mocked frivolous lawsuits - including an episode where Kramer wins free coffee for life in a court settlement because he got burned on gourmet roast.

His lawyers, who are trying to get the defamation suit against him tossed, pointed out that his flick "Bee Movie" also has a plot that revolved around a silly suit. In the movie, a bumblebee voiced by the comic sues honey manufacturers for exploiting bees. (Source)

Wow, he's right. Fictional bees suing a honey company is just like him calling the woman his wife stole from a "wacko" and a "celebrity stalker." The only difference is that one of those things was said in the context of an animated children's movie and the other was said in the context of Jerry Seinfeld being a huge fucking asshole. Can you guess which is which? It's virtually impossible to tell, isn't it? Case closed!

More of the Seinfelds at some luncheon crap they hosted earlier this month:

Freak Show: (Noun) A sideshow at a fair, featuring abnormally developed people or animals.

Madonna kicked off "Sticky and Sweet," her latest refusal to succumb to old age and irrelevancy tour in Wales this weekend. The two hour show expectedly included as much theatrics as Cirque du Soleil, as many pairs of fishnets as an all-male burlesque revue, more Madonna crotch than you can shake a nightmare at, and as many diversionary tactics as a David Copperfield show. Because when it comes down to it, you're really just forking over $300 bucks to watch a 50-year-old woman who isn't even that good at singing in the first place -- which is actually a really, really good trick. I still can't figure out how she does it!

False Advertising: (Noun) The use of false or misleading statements in advertising.

At first I was going just to update yesterday's post about Jessica Simpson endorsing Stampede Light Plus with this advertisement here, but then after I got a good look at it I decided it really needed a whole post unto itself.

Now having said that... Class, would anyone like to tell me what's wrong with this picture? That's right, say it with me now: Jessica Simpson... is... not... smart. Jessica Simpson is the complete opposite of smart. She is smart's nemesis. It's not like this isn't a heavily documented fact or anything. The woman only built her entire career around not knowing the difference between tuna fish and chicken. More often than not she can't even remember to keep her mouth closed. (See above.) So basing the reputation of your beer on the claim that Jessica Simpson is smart is about as beneficial as some redneck finding a partially decomposed mouse floating in one of his bottles and then going on the "Today" show with his big city lawyer to talk about it. You chuckleheads.

Favoritism: (Noun) The practice of giving unfair preferential treatment to one person or thing at the expense of another.

If you've long wondered who Kanye West's favorite white girl is, wonder no more. In a post on his blog, aptly titled "MY FAVORITE WHITE GIRL!!!!!!!" Kanye reveals that it it is none other than Scarlett Johansson! And before you go thinking that's prejudiced or anything, I've also heard that Kanye's favorite white beverage is "milk," his favorite white precipitation that falls out of the sky is "snow," and his favorite white thing that he puts in his ears is "Q-Tips." So, you know, I think it's just like one of those obsessive compulsive things.

Reasons #1 through #4 why Scarlett is Kanye's favorite white girl: (I'm not making that up, these are the actual reasons!)

Fairytale: (Adjective) Something regarded as resembling a fairy story in being magical, idealized, or extremely happy.

Finally filling the void I've had in my life since Heidi and Spencer inexplicably took a hiatus from famewhoring about a month ago; I'm happy to announce that Heidi and Spencer are back! Hooray! Season umpteenth-something of "The Hills," premiered last night, (I know, right? Already!) Heidi has a crappy new single, and the two are telling reporters that they're next big project is to get married on live television.

It's just like every little girl dreams of, to look like Barbie and get married on TRL. Of course, most little girls probably have that cute boy in their class or one of those Jonas turds slotted into the fantasy, and not a guy with a Gorton's Fisherman beard and creepy smile who leers at them like the school janitor does. And that, kids, is a shining example of why dreams never come true. Never ever. It's better to just accept it now and be prepared for your unexceptional life of mediocrity rather than wind up disappointed.

Editor's note: I am going to make such an awesome mother someday!

Dumbshit McGillicuddy on a recent shopping trip:

Fat-Bottomed Girls (Noun) Refers to women who make the rockin' world go round.

Lotsa love, Alanis. And believe you me, I totally understood the first 30 pounds of weight gain. It was the inevitable result of an all-too tragic break-up. But as a friend, and by friend, I mean a guy who bought your last album, I'm getting a little worried now. Also, a modest suggestion: Invest in looser pants. I don't mean to speak ill, A, but you may be a fine candidate for Ass Away!

It comes from a place of concern, A. I swear it.

Fruitful: (Adjective) Of a tree, a plant, or land producing much fruit; fertile.

On an appearance to CNN's medical show "House Call with Dr. Sanjay Gupta," Matthew McConaughey said that he's planning to plant his son Levi's placenta in the ground. Fair enough.

"That's fertile ground, so to speak. So we're gonna plant. It's gonna be in the orchards and it's gonna bear some wonderful fruit. "When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river... and all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan - whatever aboriginal tribe that was - all the placentas went under that one tree.

"It was this huge behemoth of just health and strength. This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous." (Source)

While there's no denying how... ick that is, of all the weird, spiritual things Matthew McConaughey could come up with to do with a placenta, putting it in the ground is probably the least creepy. I'm just glad he's not making a banana-flax placenta smoothie out of it to enjoy before his morning jog or using it as an invigorating face mask to open his pores.

More of a sweaty, yet admirably shirted McConaughey with son Levi at Camila Alves handbag launch last week:

Fierce(ish) (Adjective) Part fierce (bold, daring, cool), part ish (kind of lame, inappropriate, and ill fitting).

Hey! Y'all remember when Kate Hudson was this cute, unassuming actress who starred in bland, formulaic but mostly harmless romantic comedies? Yeah. Let's keep it that way, Kate. This is not really a good look for you; why don't you leave these pics to the amateurs in the audition rounds of "America's Top Model."

Fat Boy: (Noun) A big, chubby, overgrown manboy, typically used effeminately in conjunction with the presence of jubbly man boobs.

Sometimes I can't tell if it's a slow news day, or I'm just too lazy to pursue writing about anything of value. Either way, it's days like this where photos of Perez Hilton playing kickball are pretty much a fucking godsend. Look at fatty run! Look at his bitch tits bouncing jubilantly in the warm summer breeze! This is clearly the first time he's ever played kickball where he wasn't in fear of having his athletic shortcomings thrown in his face after the game with a well-aimed jock strap followed by an ultimate wedgie and a punch in the gut. Well, we'll let you have this one, Perez. You may be an ugly person inside and out, but I guess every fat boy deserves a chance to take back the kickball field.

Foxy: (Adjective) The quality of being smoking hot; sexually attractive.

Mena Suvari is one of those celebrities I have this completely irrational loathing towards. And much like an old catty girl rivalry, I'm sure something sparked the hatred, but damned if I can remember it. All I know is that I usually see pictures of her face or her stupid tattoos on her neck and some Pavlovian impulse makes the bile come out. So today I'm going to do the equivalent of seeing some girl I hated in high school out at a bar and not throwing a drink in her face: I'm going to say Mena Suvari looks effing hot here. Really effing hot. Like, I would consider going lesbian for a hot minute hot. And you know, I don't even say that grudgingly. I guess this means I'm finally growing up.

Fabulous (Adjective) Beyond all description of wonder, delight, desire, love, sunrise, ice cream, music, dancing, anger, awe, adoration, passion, hope, transformation, breath, breakfast, closing your eyes, touching, tasting, feeling, being, unicorns, rainbows, fucking, and bright shiny lights! 

Friendly Fire: (Noun) Weapon fire coming from one's own side, esp. fire that causes accidental injury or death to one's own forces.

It seems Heidi and Spencer's subconscious yearning to end their pointless existences can't be quelled simply with the irresponsible playing with loaded firearms. So Heidi has announced they'll be taking a trip to Iraq! Hooray!

“My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq,” the Hills star tells Extra in a new interview. “It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there.” (Source)

Ah, yes. If there's one thing our poor, embattled PTSD-riddled troops are sure to love, it's a couple of stupid spoiled assholes with no discernible talent to speak of, who have come to exploit them to further their own leprosy-like fame agenda. That's exactly the kind of thing U.S. troops welcome with open arms. Oops -- did I say arms? I meant fire. Yep, definitely open fire.

Editor's note: Hand to God, I was just saying to Dustin this weekend that Heidi and Spencer have been quiet for too long, and that they probably had something up their sleeves. Am I good or am I good? I should have a PhD in Heidi and Spencer.

Freak (Noun) A person who likes to do kinky shit in bed.

I've been hard on Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon for a few months now because those assholes don't make sex tapes, don't cheat, don't drink to excess in public, and don't murder people, which makes my job a lot more difficult. But, that may be coming to an end, as it looks like Reese Witherspoon is a goddam shrew, which Jake learned when he moved in with her last month:

Reese believes in wide-open communication, and she discussed at length with him what is best for her household,’ says a source.

‘Some of the things she insists on are run-of-the-mill. He has to take off his shoes when he's in the house, trash must be taken out when the can is three-quarters full, and no feet on the coffee table.’

But Jake, 27, is said to be happy with the rules because he loves Reese, 32, so much.

‘Jake used to swear like a sailor, but not anymore,’ the source tells Star magazine. ‘If he does, he has to apologise.

'Jake would much rather stay at home, make popcorn and watch a movie than step foot in a club.(Source)

So, by "wide-open communication," I suppose what's meant is: Reese talks and that little bitch listens. I wonder if she keeps his testicles in a jar or in a locked drawer? And if she's gonna be all Tracey Flick in the home, I hope to God for Jake's sake that she's Tracey Flick in the bed, too, cause those Type A, controlling types are fuh-reaks in the bed.

Fantasy: (Noun) Fanciful mental image, typically one on which a person dwells at length or repeatedly and which reflects their conscious or unconscious wishes.

Mariah Carey appears in the August issue of Elle, and proves in the accompanying interview that she's still the crazy, delusional Mariah Carey we've come to know and tolerate.

“When I was in an unhappy place in my life,” Carey says of her past, “I always wanted to be kidnapped. I just wanted a way out, but I didn't have one.” Ten years after her split with Mottola, handsome young prince Nick Cannon has come to the rescue.

“He sort of kidnapped me and took me on a helicopter ride. Then he re-proposed.” Cannon's first proposal had taken place on Carey's roof in Manhattan a couple of evenings prior and involved the hiding of a 17-carat diamond ring inside a candy ring pop. “They've been calling me Cinderella since I first started out, so, of course, being Cinderella…” she says, laughing. “Most people would think, Okay, please! This doesn't happen in real life.”

Does it strike anyone else as, you know, strange that Mariah Carey seems to have an unhealthy fixation on fairy tales and kidnapping? For Nick Cannon, being married to her must be not unlike playing house with the most spoiled, bratty five-year-old little girl ever, except his mom never comes to pick him up and he never gets to go home. Good thing she's got all that money, I guess. A new Ferrari every week probably eases the pain and humility of having the occasional Easybake Oven chucked at your head.