Holy Smokes: (Phrase) Exclamation of surprise, usually upon seeing a gorgeous woman.

So it's all agreed then, that Amanda Seyfried is the next big thing? Seriously, she is so radiant, I hear that she's actually replaced the sun as the Earth's primary source of solar energy. True story. Now that is a movie star. Can you even believe -- no really -- can you even believe that this chick once played second fiddle to Lindsay Lohan? That's like delicately poached Chilean Sea Bass playing second fiddle to econo-brand fish sticks heated up in the toasted oven.

More of Amanda and Meryl Streep looking elegant in red at the Mamma Mia! London premiere:

Helping: (Verb) Make it easier for someone to do something by offering one's services or financial or material aid.

You know what really chaps my ass? When these celebrities speak out on the war or on charitable causes, while they sit on their piles of money and expect regular schmoes to do all the work -- as if associating their name with a cause is charity enough. Well fuck that. Angelia Jolie and Brad Pitt just plunked down $1 million through their Jolie-Pitt Foundation to help children affected by the Iraq War.

The Jolie-Pitt Foundation will provide $500,000 for school supplies and education programs for refugee children in Iraq and $500,000 for American children who either lost a parent deployed in Iraq or have a parent serving in that country. (Source)

It's times like this, I see that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt really are kind, altruistic people; so maybe I should go on a moratorium of giving them shit. Well, unless they name their twins something stupid or she wears an ugly dress, of course. I'm only human, for chrissakes.

Hot: (Adjective) Someone who is extremely sexually attractive.

You know, I never understood the sex appeal of Matt Damon until now. There's just something about a dude scoping out underage poon for mustache rides that really does it for me. Probably because it brings back memories of my 11th grade algebra teacher. Say what you will, but 35-year-old math enthusiasts who never had sex before make for surprisingly generous lovers. Unfortunately, they also make for unsurprisingly huge crybabies after you dump them for a senior on the wrestling team and then rat them out to the principal when they won't stop calling. Double edged sword, really.

Hilarium: (Adjective) A combination of "hilarious" and "pandemonium," as in something that is so funny it literally has the potential to cause chaos.

I know you guys are all gonna hate me for this. Save it. There's no way you could possibly hate me more than I hate myself. Heidi Montag's new single "Fashion" has dropped onto the internet like a dirty bomb, and its infectious like anthrax. But at the same time, it's the most hilarium thing I've heard since Heidi's last single. Spencer Pratt raves:

"It's the greatest song of my life."

Seriously, are Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag robots? If a human person had such bluffing skills to make that statement with a straight face, then why are you wasting all of our time with these ridiculous songs and not off making millions of dollars at poker? Go!

Such turds. But at the same time, I'm completely fascinated by them, like that episode of "NewsRadio" where James Caan becomes obsessed with Matthew. God help me.

Hamburger (Noun) a sandwich consisting of a cooked patty of ground or chopped beef, usually in a roll or bun, variously garnished.

Hoo-baby! Looookin' goood. Gimme a taste of that clavicle, baby. Why don't you and me meet up, grab a hamburger and some sunlight. Looks like you just got back from a three-month vacation, honey, in a dungeon.

But seriously, Courtney. Have you ever heard of a meal? Appetizers, a little meat, maybe a side of vegeables and macaroni and cheese, followed by a nice desert. They're great. I try to eat two or three a day. You should definitely look into one. They're great not only for your complexion, but your ability to sustain life. Just a thought.

 

Hulk Sissy (Noun) Poor imitation of the Hulk, created for comedic effect.

Dear Readers:

Recently, it has come to our attention that a certain word in the Webster's Dictionary is incorrectly defined. Through oversight or simple mistake, Webster's defines "humanity" as the "quality or state of being humane"; or "human attributes or qualities." In fact, the modern definition of "humane" is "bodily waste discharged through the anus;" or "excrement." We sincerely apologize for the error and regret any inconvenience or confusion it may have caused.

Sincerely,

The Webster's Team

  

Hells Yeah (Expression) Better than "hell yeah." Used when you are extremely excited/happy for some reason or another.

This has nothing to do with gossip or celebrities, but I saw this headline this morning and thought you folks might appreciate the sentiment:

Hells yeah!

Heartbreaking (Adjective) causing intense anguish or sorrow.

Because I'm apparently secretly a sensitive pansy-boy who likes willowy music, I've been listening to the new Alanis Morissette album, Flavors of Entanglement, the last couple of days. I'm a big fan of the album, and one song in particular, "Torch," a heartbreaking ballad that is clearly about her break-up with Ryan Reynolds.

It's so sad, folks. So very achy. In fact, out of solidarity with Alanis, I'm temporarily giving up my man-crush on Ryan Reynolds. Ryan: You've betrayed us both for nice cleavage and a pout.

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

The heart-wrenching lyrics to "Torch," after the cut. Meanwhile, here's Alanis making her way into the Ed Sullivan Theater last night to perform on "The Late Show with David Letterman."

Huh? (Noun) German equivalent of the words: who, what, when, where, why and how. It is used in everyday life in situations where you don't have any idea of what is going on. 

These are photos from the upcoming July 2008 issue of Vanity Fair. Here are photos of Angelina Jolie a month ago.

Huh?

Actually, there's a fairly simple explanation for all of this. Two words: Flux Capacitor.

 

Heebie Jeebies: (Plural Noun) A state of nervous fear or anxiety; commonly associated with "the creeps" or "the willies." See also: Freak the Fuck Out.

Happily Ever After: (Colloquial) A storybook ending involving two people happily married, usually with children.

Jessica Alba, who is approximately eight months pregnant, married her boyfriend Cash Warren at the Beverly Hills courthouse on Monday.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

Nobody else attended the wedding, the source adds. (Source)

From what I've gathered, usually at these sort of affairs Prince Charming is wafting Southern Comfort on his breath and isn't even wearing a shirt with sleeves. So I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but to me this sounds about as close as you can get to a fairy tale wedding without a pumpkin that turns into a giant coach and mice that turn into coachmen.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren (not pictured) at the Celebration of Mentoring last night:

Hunky-fucking-Dory: (Adjective) Doing fine; going well; swimmingly.

After his last realtionship with Kate Hudson ended, well, less spectacularly -- Owen Wilson has found a healthy way to deal with their most recent break-up, the way any red-blooded Stallion of Butterscotch would: with strippers and booze! YEAH!!

But after the on-again, off-again lovebirds broke up this month for the second time, Wilson merely headed straight for a Philadelphia strip club last Thursday and partied with a topless Hudson look-alike.

"He spent 4 1/2 hours at Rick's Cabaret and was in an upbeat mood," one spy said. "He watched the Flyers game, drank beer, and when a parade of 75 half-naked girls caught his eye, he asked for dances from several and definitely had a preference for blondes. He tipped at least one with a $100 bill." (Source)

That's great and all... But I grew up around Philly, and I've even been to strip clubs in Philly. And those closest thing you're going to come to a Kate Hudson look-alike in a Philadelphia strip club is a Courtney Love look-alike. But hey, as long as he's drowning his sorrows with a bunch of Revlon-blonde, big-tittered skanks instead of a bottle of sleeping pills and a gallon of vodka, who am I to ruin his fun healing?