Webster's Is My Bitch

Wanna know what I did this weekend? Saw and reviewed Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Then, I drank myself into a coma. (Pajiba)

Kim Kardashian has some serious self-esteem issues. (The Blemish)

Runner-up, Jennifer Love Hewitt tries to distance herself from that US Weekly cover. (Celebitchy)

OHMYGODGROSS. Amy Winehouse's nose is literally falling off. (Yeeeah!)

Awww... Widdle Kingston Rossdale wikes to have his picshure taken. (Seriously? OMG!)

Jenny McCarthy got Rickrolled on Oprah. Funnest. Thing. Ever. (Celebslam)

The gay guy and the topless chick from High School Musical are about to put an end their shammy relationship. (Agent Bedhead)

I've got only three words: SUCK IT O.J. (IDLYITW)

Samantha Ronson was ordered to pay $86K to Perezhole. (CelebSmack)

Heidi Klum is dry humping Ronald McDonald. (usemycomputer)

Mickey Mouse goes all Harold and Maude. (popbytes)

I bet you'll never guess who wore 6" stilettos to Build-a-Bear workshop? (Lainey Goss)

Two of "The Hills" skanks are having myspace fights... Again? (IBBB)

Apocalypse: (Noun) The complete final destruction of the world.

I've had my suspicions for awhile now, but I think we're finally coming into the end of days. Yes, Paris Hilton has confirmed that she is, indeed, ready to start breeding.

"I definitely want three or four [children]," she told PEOPLE in Las Vegas Saturday night, while partying at Pure Nightclub for her sister's birthday. As for a timeline? "Soon," she said. "Maybe a year or two." (Source)

I'm pretty sure "Vagina of Napalm Bearing Offspring" is one of the final signs of the end of the world, along with plague, pestilence and "Former Beauty Pageant Contestant Clinching Vice Presidential Nom."

More from the Anorexic Hilton Sister's 25th birthday party:

Fancy: (Adjective) Elaborate in structure or decoration.

I think this is both the gayest looking I've ever seen Tom Cruise look and cutest I've ever seen Suri look. I'm so torn right now, I don't know whether to laugh and point or say, "Awwww."

Weak: (Adjective) Severely lacking in coolness; totally lame.

I hate to say this, but I'm afraid Steve Carell has officially jumped the shark. Not only is he posing with Mickey Mouse, but he's posing with Mickey Mouse at Miley Cyrus's Sweet Sixteen Party. Which he seems to have attended without the use of force or life-threatening weaponry. The only way this could possibly be more lame is if he had on a Jonas Brothers T-shirt and was giving the double-thumbs up.

More from Still Not Legal's (!) Birthdaygasm retardibration:

Mocking: (Verb) To mimic someone or something scornfully or contemptuously.

I am kind of in awe of The Hogan Family. Just when you think they can't possibly be any more of low-life asshole scumbags, they always manage to find a way to top their assholishness. And so, because apparently she's already forgotten the dangers of speeding, Linda Hogan was busted for speeding this weekend. I am not making this up.

Bollea was stopped by cops on Friday racing to visit her son Nick at Pinellas County Jail. According to TMZ.com, she was driving over 71 miles per hour in a 55 miles per hour zone, and was fined $206. (Source)

You know, I just don't think these people will be satisfied until they've all gotten a chance to take their turns actually urinating in John Graziano's open head cavity.

What a disgusting hoe-bucket:

Logbook: (Noun) A regular or systematic record of incidents or observations.

Angelina Jolie made her first big post-baby debut this weekend for the premiere of The Changeling, sporting two brand-new baby coordinate tattoos for Knox and Viviene. You know what else I bet that would be great for? Car keys. I'm always losing those damn things.

Editor's note: Why does Brad Pitt always look so much happier when he's with his BFF?

Blowjob Face: (Noun) A facial expression one makes when performing fellatio.

Where have I seen this expression before? Hmmm... I just can't put my finger on it. Oh right: porno. Well that's nice anyway. You know, that once "The Hills" are over and Spencer gets arrested and thrown in prison for child molestation, Heidi Montag totally has something to fall back on. Good for her!

More of Frick and Frack being (what else?) annoying with tacos:

How long has it been since you've actually thought about Yogi Bear? Well great news: he's coming to a theater near you! (Pajiba)

"If you don’t vote, you are probably a homicidal sociopath with cannibalistic tendencies and you should be strapped to a board in a maximum-security prison." (Yeeeah!)

Jessica Simpson does sad/haggard almost as good as Britney. (Ayyyy!)

Not to be confused with pale/haggard like Kirsten Dunst! (usemycomputer)

Mr. Clean died today, which means that dirt has won the war. (The Blemish)

Vice Presidential debates are for suckers. There's a new episode of "Supernatual" on tonight! Wheeeee! (Seriously? OMG!)

Check out Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold's wedding location! (Celebitchy)

WHAT THE FUCK? Not only is this the worst Sarah Plain impression ever, but I think I have that sweater. I would never wear something Sarah Palin would wear. Do you hear me?! NEVER! NOT FUNNY. (Best Week Ever)

I guess Rumer Willis isn't the only one with this problem. (cityrag)

Angelina Jolie is finally figuring out that having six kids is actually kind of a fucking bummer. (CelebWarship)

Yeeeesch. Meliisa Joan Hart went epidural-free. (BricksAndStones)

Shannen Doherty is such a fierce bitch. Here's more from her Paris Hilton bitch-smacking Details interview. (POTP)

Rose McGowan's nipples are even better than the Weather Channel. (Popoholic)

Undeserving: (Adjective) Not deserving or worthy of something positive.

Nick Hogan is getting released from prison on October 21st, and according to Brooke Hogan, the Hogan clan is planning a big, white trash brouhaha to welcome him home.

She says, "For Nick, we will all go together. He wants to see us. It’s not about us, it’s about him."

And Brooke is planning to cook up a feast for her 18-year-old brother once he becomes a free man. She tells Life & Style magazine, "He wants me to cook him everything that exists. Mac and cheese, cheeseburgers, salad, chicken - he’d even eat broccoli if I made it for him. Anything other than jail food.” (Source)

You know what else would be nice? A big layer cake. You know how they can screen photos on the icing now? I'm thinking something in German Chocolate with John Graziano's smashed-in head on it. I bet that's what John would want, anyway -- but I don't think he can eat cake. Something to do with most of his head being missing.

God I hate this stupid transvestite hooker:

Liar: (Noun) A person who tells lies.

Remember how I was just saying how Mr. Landing Strip Face was totally full of shit by claiming he had a Britney Spears sex tape? Well guess what? He totally was! And he's also conveniently forgotten about ever having said anything to the contrary!

“There is no sex tape, and I’ve never claimed there is one,” he said. “I don't know where these quotes I’m supposed to have said have come from. What I do know is they certainly didn't come from me and they are completely false.” The ex-lensman went on to say the sex-tape story distressed him, and he intends to clear his name by taking legal action. (Source)

Oh right. The guy who people only know about because he skeezed all over Britney Spears when she was fat and crazy is going to sue for distress due to tarnishing his good name. That's like a dog shit suing Febreze® Pet Odor Eliminator for insinuating that it's stinky. And most people would still prefer a dog turd over Adnan Ghalib.

A happy Britney free of Adnan stink in NYC yesterday:

Sunny: (Adjective) Of a person or their temperament; cheery and bright.

Every once in awhile I like to take a break from making fun of celebrities I hate and write something about celebrities I like, (of which there are sadly few). Anyway, how great is this? Kaitlin Olson and Rob McElhenney, a.k.a. Sweet Dee and Mac from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" totally got married! Yayz for them! I had no idea they were even together -- but I did know that Charlie and The Waitress were married in real life. How fah-reaking adorable is that? Now all that's left are for Glenn Howerton and Danny DeVito to consummate their love and it will be the perfect trifecta of set romance.

Editor's note: I stole this photo from Rob McElhenney's Myspace. How creepy is that? Sorry, Rob!

Bruised: (Verb) To have hurt someone's feelings or pride.

This would be sad if it weren't so funny. No wait, strike that -- this would never be sad. Anyway, John Mayer has allegedly sworn off women after his breakup with Jennifer Aniston.

“Since his breakup with Jennifer Aniston, he isn’t into anyone,” an insider tells In Touch. Even when the 30-year-old rocker hit NYC hotspot Tenjune on September 16, he only hung out with guys. “Lately, he’s really only spending time with his longtime friends — even some high school pals,” says the insider, adding that they can all be counted on to keep mum about his private life. “He’s always just with the people he can depend on. He’s even calling them his ‘circle of trust.’” (Source)

I guess nothing soothes the sting left by a woman quite like a little quality dude time. You can never underestimate the healing powers of a circle jerk. And a bro who comes through with a beej in your time of need? Is a bro for life.

Editor's Note: Get it? It's because John Mayer is gaaay!

More of Jennifer Aniston not looking particularly devastated in Cabo earlier this week:

Horse's Mouth: (Idiom) Indicates one step better than the inner circle, i.e. the horse itself.

Shannen Doherty is all about the talking now that she's finally back in the spotlight and people care what she has to say again. So what do you think she thought about that whole thing with her ex making a sex tape with Paris Hilton?

"There was something that Rick provided that was amazing to me," the currently single star tells Details. Still, she adds, "I look at what he did [with Hilton] and think, 'God, that's disgusting.'" (Source)

Ha ha ha ha ha! That's the beauty of making fun of Paris Hilton. Literally anyone can do it. I can hold a flashcard of a picture of her face up to my 3-year-old niece and even she can do it. And if you've never heard a small child say "filthy whore" before, let me just tell you how adorable it is. She can't say her TH'es yet so it comes out something like: "Fiffie Hoor." Aren't children just so precious?

More of Fiffie Hoor at some crap she hosted earlier this week:

GOD SIENNA MILLER. Shut up shut up shut up! (Yeeeah!)

Audrina Patridge has a veritable half-dozen of facial expressions. (The Blemish)

Heather Graham shines in a yellow dress. (usemycomputer)

OK... Now this is pretty creepy: celebrity Barbie dolls. (Seriously? OMG!)

Suri Cruise is going to be totally fucked up when she gets older. (Celebitchy)

Heather Locklear was framed! Apparently the culprit was in cahoots with her insanely dilated pupils. (Celebslam)

Clive Owen's face wasn't good enough. (Agent Bedhead)

More of Lindsay Lohan in what appears to be a denim bikini. (popoholic)

Kurt Cobain can't rid himself of crazy bitches, even in death. (Rad Report)

Wax Michael Phelps is even more unattractive than regular Michael Phelps. (popbytes)

Leonardo "Arnie" DiCaprio wants to settle down and have kids. Ladies? The lines forms to the left. (Lainey Goss)

Anne Hathaway is an analytical friend. (omg blog)

The new "Knight Rider" is a quote unquote Fucking Piece of Shit. (Pajiba)

This is totally unrelated to anything, but my sister works in a book store and she informed me that the stupidest customer purchase of the day was Myspace for Dummies. I wonder which chapter "Taking the most flattering downward angle pictures that makes your eyes really big and shows your cleavage" falls under?

Gloater: (Noun) Someone who contemplates or dwells on one's own success or another's misfortune with smugness or malignant pleasure.

George Clooney defended his turn in the horrifically awful pile of horseshit Batman & Robin saying that he had no regrets because it supposedly helped his career.

He says, "I don't regret anything. With hindsight it's easy to look back at Batman and go, 'Woah! that was really s**t, and I was really bad in it'.

"The truth is, Batman is still the biggest break I ever had. It changed my career. I wouldn't be doing this now if it hadn't been for Batman." (Source)

Alicia Silverstone and Chris O'Donnell couldn't be reach for comment, however, because they were preoccupied holding their weekly burning of George Clooney in effigy.