Jesus Christ: (Exclamation) Taking the name of the central figure of the Christian religion in vain to express disgust or surprise.

So, I guess this means the transformation is nearly complete, eh? I guess the only thing left to do from here is saw off Katie's feet at the ankles and have them reattached mid-shin.

Jealousy: (Noun) The state or feeling of being jealous.

Mexican actor and total effing babe Gael García Bernal has revealed that he's expecting his first child with actress Dolores Fonzi.

"This statement is to say that, after so much speculation and comments, the actors ... are indeed expecting a baby at the start of next year," Garcia Bernal's production company, Canana Films, said in a statement. (Source)

So yeah, I guess there's nothing especially noteworthy about this story other than the obvious; which is somebody besides me is getting to have sex with Gael García Bernal. And therefore, life is still unfair.

More headshots from the Toronto International Film Festival last year, with just the right amount of beard:

Jealousy Card (Noun) A cool little trick whereby you fill your vagina with multiple penises in order to win back the favor of your favorite penis.

Alanis Morissette, who would totally be my girl crush if I were gay (do the math on that one, haters) admitted this week that she used the old-fashioned method for getting over her break-up with Ryan Reynolds: She fucked everything that walked upright, including an old grandfather clock (it was dark, and she forgot her glasses);

"All my life I've been in long-term monogamous relationships. I had to break that pattern by not allowing myself to have a relationship for a year, stopping myself from committing to men. I haven't been celibate. I've had lots of dates and lots of sex, but I haven't been pushing to turn a date into a relationship. This has been a huge thing for me."

You see what she's doing here, don't you? She's playing the jealousy card. She knows if Ryan reads about her having "lots of sex," that he won't be able to stand it. That he can feel it when she's scratching her nails down another man's back. That he can't stomach the thought of her being with another man. With other men. With a Canadian football team of wild stallions. That the thought of her replacing him would be too much to bear and he'd have no choice but to dump ScarJo and return to the warm, loving embrace of Alanis (now with 30 pounds more warmth!).

Oh, a guy can dream, can't he?

Jewfro (Noun) The coolest hairdo in the world, an orgasm-inducing hairstyle worn by people of Jewish descent. It consists of curly hair and is often large.

Jerky: (Noun) Meat that has been cut into strips, trimmed of fat, marinated in a spicy, salty or sweet liquid, and then dried with low heat or occasionally salted and sun-dried.

Amy Winehouse has had a tanning bed installed in her home to help clear her skin of crack scabs, and The Sun is reporting that she now spends an unsafe hour or more per day using it -- far exceeding the recommended 15-20 minutes per every 48 hours.

One friend said: “Amy can’t do anything by halves. Recently she has been going for it on the sunbed, but she won’t be told. The pal added: “Over the years Amy has been addicted to alcohol, all sorts of drugs, men and even knitting. “This is another addiction that puts her health in danger.

Come on now! Slabs of lean meat, marinated in whiskey, smoked and slow cooked under indirect heat? I don't know know about the UK, but some parts of the world tend to consider that a delicacy. I heard Pemmican is already working on a new, limited edition "Blimey, Winehouse!" flavor.

Amy looking more delicious tan than usual backstage at the concert for Nelson Mandela:

Join Forces: (Phrase) One or more parties combining efforts towards a common goal.

Oh, goody.

If you think about it, it'd make sense that the two biggest douche bags in the entertainment industry would actually be rivals. There's the obvious competition of seeing who can court the most media attention with retarded antics and who can feign more smug incredulousness when they actually receive said attention. But seeing them in cahoots like this? It just ain't right. I can only imagine the grand scale douchbaggery they've got up their sleeves. That would be the metaphorical sleeves, by the way -- not the My Little Ponies and butterflies they've got indelibly inked up and down their arms.

Jolt: (Noun) A surprise or shock of an unpleasant kind and often manifested physically.

Kelsey Grammer is said to be in good condition after being rushed to a Hawaiian hospital after suffering a mild heart attack this past weekend. According to a statement released by his rep, Grammer is "resting comfortably" and is expected to be released early this week.

In totally unrelated news, to anyone out there who thinks it might be funny to secretly replace somebody's Château Pétrus with Arbor Mist, let's just say: not funny. Not at all.

Just Deserts: (Phrase) To receive the appropriate reward or (more usually) punishment for one's actions.

For felony reckless driving which left passenger, former US Marine John Graziano, comatose and requiring a lifetime of constant care, Nick Hogan received: eight months in Florida’s Pinellas County Jail, five years probation (of which he is not allowed to drink for the duration of) 500 hours of community service, a three-year drivers license revocation, and will attend DUI education classes within one year.

This broke late in the day Friday, but I was already drunk by that point. However, like a decent, responsible human being; I do all my drinking safely at home, by myself and from the spigot of a box of wine. Sure, maybe I have "no friends" and a "slight drinking problem," but at least I'm not out there putting lives at risk. Hope it was worth it, asshole!

We are sad to report today that Joshua Jackson, former star of "Dawson's Creek" and the box-office smash, Skulls, has passed away. News reports indicate that he died of neglect.

Oh, Pacey: We hardly knew you. And then we completely forgot about you. And then you died.

Jackpot: Noun. A large cash prize in a game or lottery, esp. one that accumulates until it is won.

If there's one thing that wasn't already abundantly clear about Jennifer Lopez, it's that she's not above putting a price on her unborn children. With the impending birth of the Latino Jesus Christ(s), AdAge is reporting that People and OK! Magazine might be negotiating in upwards of $6 Million (!!!) for exclusive rights.

Personally, I don't give a rat's ass what J. Lo and Marc Anthony's little fraggle babies look like,  how much she makes on the photos, or if she names them Jackpot and Dinero. Because it doesn't change the fact that in 15 years these kids are going to fucking hate Jennifer Lopez, just like everyone else.

Jenny Craig: Organization. One of the largest weight management service companies in the world, offering a comprehensive weight management program that combines sound nutrition and simple activity to help clients achieve the balance necessary for optimal weight loss and personal well-being.

Hmph. I didn't realize that soft-serve ice cream had been added to the Jenny Craig diet regiment.  And I guess by "simple activity," the Jenny Craig program means: Walk to the car. But the most remarkable thing about this photograph: The ensemble -- the Jenny Craig approved drawstring hobo-pants!

I do have a sudden urge, however, to buy some wicker at Pier One.

Q: How do you tell that Sundance has jumped the shark?

A: When it turns into a week long photo-op for Paris Hilton.

Or, maybe I'm just feeling a teensy bit jealous because my esteemed colleague Dustin is heading down there for the rest of the week, while I am confined to blogging about it from home. So yeah -- nyah-nyah! Have fun with Paris, sucker!

Nope, still jealous. Dammit!

That's what Paris is getting: jack shit.

Hope all that famewhoring was worth it; dragging your grandpappy's name through the mud. Have fun living off the residuals of 1 Night in Paris!

Source.

Seriously, the above clip is flat-out jaw dropping. How much better is it than the actual Spiderman 3 was? Give me that couple over Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst any day.

Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.

(Via the Incomparable Galley Slaves)

Kristen: I can tell by the pained expression on your face and the position of your hands that you, too, are suffering from jogger's nipple. I've been there. Painful, isn't it? It's the triumvirate of discomfort: Sore, dry, and itchy. And if you don't tend to it, you may end up with cracked and bleeding nips. Yowzers. I feel for you, sweetheart. Nothing irritates me more than waking up at 5 a.m. (I have three clients who need a little punishment before their 9-5 grind), going out for a nice, leisurely jog, and then coming back home with nipples that feel as though they've been hanging out with a sheet of sandpaper.

But, there is good news, Kristen. The condition is preventable. You can apply a touch of petroleum jelly to each nipple before heading off on your run, or you can also stick a little tape to them to keep them from rubbing against your bra. The only other alternative I'm aware of is to simply run topless, a suggestion that I believe many of your fans would encourage.

Hang in there, darling.