Logbook: (Noun) A regular or systematic record of incidents or observations.

Angelina Jolie made her first big post-baby debut this weekend for the premiere of The Changeling, sporting two brand-new baby coordinate tattoos for Knox and Viviene. You know what else I bet that would be great for? Car keys. I'm always losing those damn things.

Editor's note: Why does Brad Pitt always look so much happier when he's with his BFF?

Liar: (Noun) A person who tells lies.

Remember how I was just saying how Mr. Landing Strip Face was totally full of shit by claiming he had a Britney Spears sex tape? Well guess what? He totally was! And he's also conveniently forgotten about ever having said anything to the contrary!

“There is no sex tape, and I’ve never claimed there is one,” he said. “I don't know where these quotes I’m supposed to have said have come from. What I do know is they certainly didn't come from me and they are completely false.” The ex-lensman went on to say the sex-tape story distressed him, and he intends to clear his name by taking legal action. (Source)

Oh right. The guy who people only know about because he skeezed all over Britney Spears when she was fat and crazy is going to sue for distress due to tarnishing his good name. That's like a dog shit suing Febreze® Pet Odor Eliminator for insinuating that it's stinky. And most people would still prefer a dog turd over Adnan Ghalib.

A happy Britney free of Adnan stink in NYC yesterday:

Lame: (Adjective) Something intended to be entertaining, yet uninspiring and dull.

Last night I watched the MTV Video Music Awards. I think the last time I actually made a point of watching them (other than remembering to tune in for Britney's performance last year) was back in like 1992, and Dana Carvey was hosting. I was 15 and just starting ninth grade back then (eff you, I was held back!) so that was really the last year I wasn't too cool to watch the VMAs anymore, and then after that I started putting holes in my face and listening to punk rock music. And then I took the holes out of my face, and became an adult and got a respectable-type job, and still didn't care about the VMAs. But then I started slinging gossip, and here we are. Amazing how everything comes full circle, huh? Anyway, not to sound out of touch, but I liked "I Kissed a Girl" better when Jill Sobule sang it, and it wasn't all embarrassingly stupid and trying too hard. Suck it, Katy Perry.

Speaking of Katy Perry, she broke out her best granny-panties for the event. If she and Miley Cyrus kissed in the middle of the woods and nobody gave a crap, would it still make a sound?

License to Drive: (Title) 1988 teen comedy/adventure, starring Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, which really has nothing to do with this post.

You know what is always a bad idea? Buying your kid some brand new, expensive car when he or she turns 16 so they can eff it all up. If your kid is Miley Cyrus, however, she just buys it for herself:

In late August, the star ordered a fully loaded white Mercedes-Benz CLK 550 Cabriolet with a sticker price of $75,375. “Miley wanted special options like parking assist and a cream-colored leather interior, so she ordered the car early,” her pal says. “She’s telling everyone that she hopes to get a car when she turns 16, so when it comes, she can say it was a surprise from her parents.” (Source)

Pretty sneaky, Miley... But you know what $75 grand doesn't buy? Passing your driver's license, you little shit. And just so you know, DMV exam proctors actually love when you play chicken with oncoming locomotives. Yeah, they don't tell you this, but they totally give extra credit for badass motherfucking speed and agility.

LOL: (Abbreviation) Laughing (or laugh) out loud.

On top of it being a slow news day, it's also Friday and my brain has pretty much checked out for the weekend. So, I can't think of a better excuse to point and laugh at Pete Wentz:

Eat pavement, turd burglar!!! Ha ha ha!!

Letdown: (Noun) A disappointment or a feeling of disappointment.

Being Tori Spelling's husband sounds like one crushing disappointment after another. First the inheritance thing, then he gets stuck doing that lame reality show, and then to top everything off she's not even going to be on the new "90210." Because, dammit, he wanted a part on it.

Tori told Dean that she wasn't going to accept less money than her costars, Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth, "especially when it was her father who created the original show," says a source close to Dean. "He told her that they should have worked something out before she made an abrupt decision because now he can't even be on the show!" (Source)

I think I know exactly how he feels. One time I ordered one of those Better Pasta Pots from an infomercial on TV. And for a week, all I did was fantasize about how having a pasta pot with holes in the lid was going to make my life so much easier. I'd really have it made now, I thought! But then when I got the stupid thing, the lid jammed the first time I used it and I ended up severely burning myself. Anyway, now I'm just stuck with some useless hunk of crap that doesn't work. Kind of like Tori Spelling!

Something else Tori and a Better Pasta Pot have in common? Holes in abnormal places:

Lara Croft (Fictional) A fictional character and the protagonist of the Tomb Raider video game series.

Here is Alison Carroll, ladies and gentlemen. She's the new face of Lara Croft, the fictional character in the computer game series Tomb Raider. And you know what's cool about hiring a former gymnast to be the face of Lara Croft? She can make the same poses that you make with your Lara Croft action-figure doll when you're imagining yourself hittin' that. The difference? Alison Carrol will still reject you, while your action-figure will always love you.

 

Laughable (Adjective) absurd: incongruous; inviting ridicule; amusing: arousing or provoking laughter.

It's amazing the advances they've made with Photoshop -- not only have they managed to erase the traces of fetal alcohol syndrome that Eli Manning's face generally exhibits, but they've also zapped the perpetual "Aw, shucks" boneheaded expression that he carries around with him like a burden.

Still, the idea of Eli Manning looking fashionable or even somehow belonging on the pages of Vogue, even Men's Vogue, as some wet-behind-the-ears member of the Jersey mafioso is laughable. Dude looks about as tough and intimidating as a drunk kitten stumbling toward a milk bowl.

The kitten probably has a better spiral.

Littly Piggy (Noun) Child's slang for digits -- fingers or toes. 

Speculative word on the nets says that Shia LaBeouf, who recently experienced a car accident while driving drunk that crushed one of his hands, may actually need to have a pinky finger amputated, which is gonna throw a whole lotta havoc into production of Transformers 2. It also reminds me of fun little nursery rhyme which seems appropriate here. It goes:

This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy went home.
This little piggy had roast beef.
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy went ... (*cricket chirps*)

The lesson here? Don't become famous, because even when minor tragedy strikes, we're going to make fun of you if you're a douchebag.

Lifelike: (Adjective) Very similar to the person or thing represented.

What in the holy hell happened here? I thought the whole point of a model was supposed to be that they don't need to be Photoshopped into a caricature. Jesus. I've seen plastic dog doo more realistic looking than this.

Just for fun, here are some photos of what Tyra Banks actually looks like:

Lithe (Adjective) Marked by effortless grace.

The Late Shift (Expression) Refers to the political wrangling involved in the late-night talk show wars, originating from a book from the same title about the 1992 late night wars after Johnny Carson retired. 

So, the late shift is heating up again. NBC announced yesterday that Jay Leno's last night on the air will be May 29th, 2009, while Conan O'Brien will take over the "Tonight Show" on June 1st. Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon will take over for Conan O'Brien in March or April of 2009, though he'll start airing 10 minute episodes online several months ahead of his airdate. Additionally, Leno has already indicated that he won't be retiring, and that either ABC or FOX will get a crack at signing him up for their 11:30 spot. Because FOX stations go off the air at 10 p.m., ABC will likely "win" the services of Leno, which will push Jimmy Kimmel back a half hour, probably result in the cancellation of "Nightline" and set up one helluva shitstorm at the 11:30 time slot between O'Brien, Leno, Letterman, and Colbert, not to mention the "war" between Fallon, Kimmel, and Craig Ferguson, which will likely see Fallon as an early casualty.

And the winner? Probably Jon Stewart. At 11 p.m. he doesn't face any competition from the moves. Plus, O'Brien and Leno will probably split their audience while Letterman rises to the top, ratings-wise, which will set up Jon Stewart perfectly for taking over "The Late Show" in 2018. Not that he's up for it, but I think everyone knows that Stewart will, eventually, take over for Dave, after Dave keels over (he'll never retire, nor should he). It's the natural progression of things -- Stewart is obviously the heir apparent, if not in name, then in spirit.

And, after 12 years of the Empire Strikes Back in the late night wars, with the evil Leno winning the race, good will finally come out on top in the form of Jon Stewart, which was prophecied in 1995, after Jon Stewart's MTV talk show was cancelled.

Licentious (Adjective) Lacking restraint, or ignoring societal standards, particularly in sexual conduct; disregard for accepted rules.

Ummm. Yeeesh.

Loathsome: (Adjective) Causing hatred or disgust; repulsive.

I'm browsing through photo galleries this morning, and I see a thumbnail for these photos of Leighton Meester. So I clicked on them, naturally thinking it was my beloved Eliza Dushku -- which tends to happen on a fairly regular basis. But before I had time to once again curse the gods of "Gossip Girl" for their incessant trickery -- I stopped cold and thought: "Wait a damn minute. Is she wearing culottes?!"

Really, now? So I guess I didn't get the memo then, that culottes are back in style? Or as dictated by "Gossip Girl," presumably. Seriously? Sometimes I just have to wonder if there is some evil, diabolical gay man with mommy issues who masterminds these fashion trends upon us poor, unsuspecting women. I don't care what anyone says, culottes are flattering on no one and should be reserved for women over 60 who have officially given up on life and prefer comfort over style. I am five foot two, and I'm telling you right now those pants would make me look like a circus clown. Look at poor Leighton, even! New fashion trend or attempt to conceal chronic constipation? We may never know. So is this really the kind of statement we want to be making with our wardrobe? That we haven't pooped in a week?

Eh. I do love that purse, though.

Editor's note: On this thrilling episode of "Gossip Girl," Blair talks on her cell phone! Tune in next week for some hot Serena on Nate texting action!

Litelygasm (Noun) An orgasm that one experiences when thinking about, dreaming about, listening to or watching Litely Salted.

Ben Folds? Pffft. Rilo Kelly? Hah!

Litely Salted? Now that's what I'm talking about.