Milestone: (Noun) An action or event marking a significant stage in development.

Michael Jackson turns a half century old today -- so Michael, on behalf of Webster's Is My Bitch, I would like to wish you a happy birthday. You don't look a day past gobbledygook!

Mantra: (Noun) A statement or slogan repeated frequently.

Wait a minute... Did anyone else know Tara Reid had a clothing line coming out?! I DIDN'T KNOW TARA REID HAD A CLOTHING LINE COMING OUT!!! Ahem, so anyways, Tara Reid has a clothing line coming out, amazingly called "Mantra" and not some pun involving her own name. Ha ha ha!!

“It’s about putting into the universe what you want in life: Red means love, pink is friendship, green is lucky, black is protection,” says Reid, who found inspiration in her longtime hobby of making charm bracelets.

“You’re gonna have a story when you wear this bikini or when you put this dress on: You’ll either get love or meet a new friend or you might meet a guy.” Indeed, her two-piece swimsuits also feature flirty messages like “Catch Me If You Can” or “Single and Ready to Mingle,” and her T-shirt dresses have cut-out backs strung with hand-made chains. (Source)

First of all, question: Is she 12? Tara Reid's clothing line sounds suspiciously like the carnation sale they used to hold every Valentine's Day when I was in Junior High. Red means love and pink means friendship? OK, but what does that even mean?? Aren't you buying this clothing for yourself? Is someone supposed to buy it for you? I'm flummoxed.

Second of all, when I think of Tara Reid I don't think “Catch Me If You Can.” No one wants to catch you, Tara. Nobody. I think she'd be better off with something like “It's Not Contagious.” In lieu of that, I'd also accept “Slippery When Wet,” or “Is There a Problem Occifer?”

Market Value: (Noun) The amount for which something can be sold on a given market.

You know what I love? Being right. And so I love that in the wake of John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston's relationship, John Mayer is proving himself to be the douche-flavored fuck knuckle we always knew he was. Allegedly, in addition to losing his girl, J-Bag is feeling the smart of another more crucial loss:

“He thinks he’s famous as Jen now. Last week he went to a party, tipped off the paps, and even had decoy cars at the ready when he was leaving,” says one paparazzo. “Nice, but no one bothered to follow them, which made John think he ‘lost’ everyone, when really no one bothered to follow him.”

According to one paparazzo source, “Pictures of him and Jen were selling for $20,000 at one point. A picture of him alone gets $200 now. Chasing him from his apartment to Nobu is hardly worth it.” (Source)

Chin up, Johnny! $200 bucks is nothing to sniff at. I mean, I personally wouldn't pay whatever change I have in my pocket and a stale bag of Pepperoni Pizza Combos® for pictures of John Mayer. No offense, it's just that you never know when you're going to be hungry for Combos. They're made with real cheese, you know.

John totally not trying to draw attention to himself:

Morbid: (Adjective) Characterized by an abnormal and unhealthy interest in death.

Well, I'm happy to start out this morning with some fantastic news: Christina Applegate revealed that she's gone through treatment and is now cancer free! She, on the other hand, had a more colorful way of announcing it.

"I'm clear," Applegate tells ABC News' "Good Morning America" in an interview airing Tuesday. "Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. It did not spread. They got everything out, so I'm definitely not going to die from breast cancer." (Source)

So in other words, there's no guarantee Christina Applegate won't die from getting hit by a bus, ninja assault, wild boar attack, falling into a vat of hydrochloric acid or old age. Well that's just fucking great. Thanks for nothing, science.

Masturbate (Verb) Something you should never, ever, EVER have to picture Ernest Borgnine doing. No. Never. Uncool. NOT COOL. Fuck. Jesus. There go my Cheerios. JESUS. Here comes last night's Chinese. Bitch. This is why old people shouldn't be allowed to speak in public. Like, ever. Mother FUCK. WE'LL DO IT LIVE.

Man-Crush Killer (Noun) A thin strip of bushy hair that resides between the nose and upper lip of a once attractive celebrity male. 

Oh Gawd! Oh Gawd! Shave it off. Shave it off! Ewww. Ewww. Yucky! Icky. Get rid of it. Jesus. Can somebody slap the shit out of him with some Nair? Uncool. NOT COOL. Abort. Abort. Fail. Fail. Exnay on the Ornpay Stache. Yeeeeiiiiikes.

Day ruined.

Momentous: (Adjective) Of having great importance or significance.

O' joyous day, everyone! Knox Léon and Vivienne Marcheline are here, compliments of People magazine and fourteen million dollars.

Hmm...

Is it just me, or is that baby laughing maniacally? Yeah, I'm pretty sure babies aren't supposed to make faces like that. It looks like one of those creepy TV commercials where they make the baby talk to sell life insurance or pizza or whatever. Only these babies are selling magazines, and to the best of my knowledge, haven't been digitally altered.

Below, British magazine Hello!'s cover spread of the most expensive babies ever:

Maternal Instinct: (Noun) Having feelings associated with or typical of a mother.

Jon Voight still can't keep his yap shut over estranged daughter Angelina Jolie, this time appearing on Fox News Channel's "Fox & Friends" (no doubt one of her favorites) to voice his shock over her being the mother of six children. Yeah, that oughta win her over.

"You know she wasn't the kind that played with dolls and then all of the sudden she has all of these children," actor Jon Voight, 69, said on Fox & Friends Thursday.

"She loves kids though," he added. "She's very playful. It's wonderful." (Source)

I don't know what his point is, I didn't play with dolls as a kid, either. Hated them, in fact. Yeah, I would pretty much scoop out my ovaries with a melon-baller if I knew where they were located and wasn't afraid of internal bleeding. Ohhhh, right: But I don't want kids. That must be what he meant.

FUBAR: (Adjective) Acronym for fucked up beyond all recognition, (or repair) meaning seriously or irreparably damaged.

Former Scientologist Peter Letterese has filed a $250 million federal lawsuit against the Church of Scientology under the RICO statute -- which basically accuses the cult of being a mob. One of many of Letterese's allegations is that members of the church harassed him after he left.

Letterese calls the church a "crime syndicate" and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

He singles out Cruise, who's made no secret of his religion, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is "aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying.

Karin Pouw, a spokeswoman for the Church of Scientology, told us: "This is a frivolous suit based on falsehoods." (Source)

I guess there's only one way we'll know for a fact whether or not Letterese's accusations are true. Which will of course be if he dies in a horrible, freak accident before this case goes to trial -- like being found at the bottom of his pool with enough tranquilizers in his system to put down a small elephant or down a staircase with his head facing the wrong way. Yup, if that happens, we'll know for sure there's something fishy going on with this so-called "church" of theirs. But I guess for Letterese that'll be what we call a "bittersweet victory."

Kay... I mean, uh, Katie looking beat yesterday:

Vanity: (Noun) Excessive pride in or admiration of one's own appearance or achievements.

Corey Feldman, pictured here with wife Susie at the signing of her Playboy issue, (classy) recently opened up about liposuction he had done after seeing himself in a photoshoot he and his wife did for PETA.

Feldman appears in an unbuttoned shirt next to his naked wife in the new PETA ad, which recreates John Lennon and Yoko Ono's famous Give Peace a Chance bed-in.

He says, "They were going, 'More skin, more skin, give us more skin." (Source)

Seriously, when is PETA just going to abandon this whole "Ethical Treatment for Animals" pretense and just be pornographers already? But more importantly, how is it even possible for Vanity Smurf here -- who eats nothing but nuts, seeds and grains -- to need lipo in the first place? I thought "being massively underweight" was one of the fortunate side effects of veganism, along with "naturally pallid skin" and "early signs of osteoporosis."

Editor's note: These two are going to have the messiest divorce ever. I can't wait!

Moo (Verb) The noise a cow makes. Also particularly useful in heckling fatties.

Nicely done, K-Fed. I like how he's wisely chosen an oversized T-shirt which gently accentuates his burgeoning man jubblies by creating swathes of fabric that drape down the entire length of his torso; as well as wide, three-quarter length shorts for maximizing leg stubbiness.

Didn't I just read that this guy is coming out with a fitness DVD? What the hell does he plan to do in it? Sit on a couch and eat bon-bons while he watches a bunch of attractive fitness models do all the work? It'll be just like his marriage to Britney all over again. Zing!!!

Mature: (Adjective) To have reached an advanced stage of mental or emotional development characteristic of an adult.

During a visit the Comic Con late last week to support her upcoming film, Repo! The Genetic Opera, (already touted by me as potentially the worst film in history) Paris Hilton told People magazine that she finally "feels like a grown-up now."

"I think my whole life I was kind of living as a teenager and not really taking responsibility," Hilton told PEOPLE. "Now I realize that I'm an adult and I'm running a huge company and I'm in love. I'm in a great relationship. I have my family. I'm just excited for life."

Being an adult means a lot of different things to a lot of people. To some, it means holding down their first real, good paying job. To others, it means fulfilling the dream or finally owning their own home or becoming a parent. To Paris Hilton, it means to stop being such a whore. Fair enough. As long as she doesn't use this newfound adulthood as an excuse to start reproducing, she can call herself President Grownup for all I care.

Meltdown (Noun) Describes what happens when a person freaks out, cracks, loses control of themselves. Life -- reality at large -- becomes overwhelming. They just can't deal with it all. The person may act out, withdraw, become emotional, run.

Moving on to my fourth day without my writing partner, I can safely say that I now hate celebrity gossip. I feel like Paris Hilton on her 23rd dong of the night -- I just can't swallow anymore. I need to fucking spit.

All of which brings me to Victor Garber, who equivocated last night on the issue of Jennifer Garner's pregnancy. In response to whether Garner was expecting another child, Garber said, "Yes she is." But then he backtracked:

"I haven't confirmed that at all, no," Garber said tonight at an ABC event. "I know they want to have another child and hopefully that's true, but I don't know that."

"No, I know that they are hoping to be," the Eli Stone star added. "I just don't know that it's for sure. It's a very...personal thing." (Source)

Here's my question -- and pardon me if I'm trampling on your goddamn need for celebrity minutia -- but who the fuck cares what Victor Garber has to say about the contents of Jennifer Garner's womb? What the fuck does he know? He played her Dad on a television show. One that ended it's run a couple of years ago. I hate to burst your fucking bubble, people -- but he's not her real father.

But more than that, who the fuck cares if she's pregnant? You know, there's a tradition in which you wait three months before you announce your pregnancy -- you don't even tell your close friends and family, just in case something goes wrong and then you have to live with miscarraige sympathy (see, Lily Allen). Nobody wants to go through that, especially someone who is already in the public eye every goddamn day of their lives.

So, let's let it go. Baby bump? Bloating? Weight gain? A trapped fart? Doesn't matter. It does not fucking matter. For now, let's just allow our minds to believe that an alien life force is brewing beer in her tummy. Or mixing a screw-driver for the early-morning commute.

Please come back later today, as I continue by Network style meltdown!

Metta (Noun) From the Sanskrit, Metta is a sincere wish for the welfare and genuine happiness of all beings, without exception.

I envy my colleague Stacey's freedom to mock babies.* Unfortunately, for those who have children, or will have children someday soon, we have been trained to hold our tongue. It's not necessarily the belief that all babies are beautiful, it's fucking fear. Fear that should we make fun of someone else's baby, our own child will be plagued with a pug nose, webbed feet, or a thick tongue. A parent's maliciousness toward babies will almost certainly be reflected in their own newborn. It's scientific fact.

That's why I have nothing but metta, or maitri, for this baby! She's so cuuuute! All squishy and wrinkly and adorable! The baby looks just like her Dad, though it is a little creepy that Jamie Lynn procreated with Don Zimmer. But good for Zimmer for hitting that! 77 years young and still chasing young skirt. I didn't even realize he was still alive!

*I'm too concerned with the fact that the 17-year-old Jamie Lynn appears to have frosted her hair to comment on that hairless monkey she's holding in her arms. -- Stacey

 

McNugget: (Noun) Battered chicken food item from McDonalds; also, one of many possible names for a McConaughspawn.

I can't even believe that I'm writing my second entry in as many number of days about a goddamn celebrity baby name, yet here we are. Matthew McConaughey and girlfriend Camila Alves have named their newborn son Levi Alves McConaughey -- as in, the jeans I assume.

Amazingly, this doesn't even make the top two of stupid names in the immediate McConaughey lineage, as young Levi joins his uncle "Rooster" and cousin "Miller Lyte." I guess this kid should just count his blessings that his dad didn't get stuck behind a pickup truck with one of those delightful pairs of plastic testicles hanging down in the back on the way to the delivery room -- because he was this close to being called Truck Nutz McConaughey.

Update: McConaughey says "Levi" is another name for the apostle Matthew in the Bible. Yeah, anyway. And I'm sure "Miller Lyte" is also coincidentally the name of one of Jesus's lesser known disciples. You know, the one he used to go booze-cruising for tail with.