Nitwit (Noun) A stupid person, an idiot, a fool.

Oh, bummer: A rep for Salma Hayek and her French billionaire fiance/father of her child, Francois-Henri Pinault,has confirmed the couple of two years have called off their engagement.

Word of advice, ladies. If you want to marry a superficial, French billionaire nitwit who dumps your ass at the first sign of stretch marks and pregnancy-related diabetes, seal the deal before you get knccked up. I'm not a math guy, but I'm pretty sure that half of a billion dollars is more money than you can spend in your lifetime, which means Salma, Jr., could've went to one helluva nice day care. One of those swanky places where you don't have to share crayons with poor kids. Or touch them.

Never-ending: (Adjective) Something unpleasant having or seeming to have no end.

EW is reporting that Shannen Doherty is now in "formal talks" to reprise her role on the new "90210" -- joining castmates Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth, who have already signed on. The only way this show could get more awesome is if maybe they could get Brian Austin Green, Jason Priestly, the dude with the blonde hair and that nerdy one with the glasses to jump aboard too. And while we're at it, why don't we just get rid of all those stupid new young people. Right? What was that all about? And we can just call the show "90210: Totally the Same; Just a Little Older."

Now that we have "90210" again, the New Kids are back together and "The Simpsons" are still on the air, we can make 1990 last forever. All that's left to do is go out and buy a whole new wardrobe in strictly a neon palette, pretend that every menstruation is the first one, and maybe hire some black girls to beat me up on a regular basis. It'll be like I never left junior high!

Sorry Tori: you'll have to put that baby back in your vagina. Donna Martin was still a virgin in 1990.

Nifty (Adjective) To be very cool or neat; Existing in a unique, positive manner.

Amanda Seyfried, ladies and gentlemen. In Italy's Vogue. Don't you just wanna pick her up and put her in your pocket for safe keeping?

Not Bad (Adjective) Nothing exceptional, but I've seen much worse in a 43-year-old man.

Hmmm ... not bad. I don't think I'd pencil him in for the Point Break sequel, but he's plenty adequate for leather jackets and The Matrix.

National Movie Critic's Suicide Day (Holiday) A day specially chosen by movie studios to encourage film reviewers to kill themselves. Three times. With a hacksaw, a drill, and a bear trap.

FYI: This year's National Movie Critic's Suicide Day has been set for Friday, August 29th. Do yourself a favor, critics, and get it over with early in the morning.

Fuck. I can not believe there's going to be another Movie Movie. I need to go find a straight razor.

Native Assholian: (Noun) A member of the indigenous peoples from the land of the asses.

What?! Does Mischa Barton even have a job anymore or does she just go around getting her picture taken in stupid outfits? Yeah, nice one Mischa -- my five year old niece has an outfit just like this. She wears it on Thanksgiving because her mom thinks she's too young to know the real story of what went down between the native people and Europeans. All you're missing is a construction paper headband covered in glitter with a plastic feather sticking out and a burgeoning sense of denial. A kid is never too young to learn about how the white man raped Pocohantus, stole her land and killed her people, is all I'm saying.

NO WAY: (Exclamation) Phrase used to express surprised disbelief or incredulousness.

Holy crap. Do you guys know who this is? Do you even understand? This lady right here is Alicia "Lecy" Goranson, a.k.a "Becky #1" from "Roseanne." In the interest of full disclosure, even if it makes me look totally lame -- (which I'm sure I do well enough on a daily basis without having to admit I watch "Roseanne") -- I fucking luh-ove that show, and Alicia Goranson was the best. Don't get me wrong, Sarah Chalke is great on "Scrubs" and all, but she sucked major balls trying to fill Lecy's shoes. Anyway, she totally gets a lifetime free pass from me. So as much as it's my job to make fun of her for looking like one of Marilyn Manson's concubine, I'm just gonna lay off and hope that someday soon she decides to dye her hair back to a natural shade of blonde. And, y'know, get a job or something.

Nth Degree: (Phrase) An immeasurable or utmost amount of something.

Ashlee Simpson's not at all sham marriage to Pete Wentz which took place this past weekend in the top secret, super discreet location of "The Simpson family backyard" has made it to the cover of People magazine in less than four days! Wowzers! It's almost as if this whole thing wasn't not totally for publicity!

Between the poor bulldog dressed up as ring bearer, and the his or her matching eyeliner and bangs -- I don't even know where to begin with this. It's perhaps more annoying and lame than any other Ashlee Simpson-Pete Wentz collaboration we've seen thus far. Mathematicians could study this for centuries and still come up with no finite amount of retarditude.

NO: (Exclamation) Used to give a negative response.

The only way Jude Law could sink any lower is if he were fucking the Titanic. OK, dumb joke. How about the oldest living survivor of the Titanic, who I'm pretty sure is now dead so he'd have to exhume the body and go to town on her rotting corpse? Yeah, I know -- after seeing him make out with Kim Stewart the shock value is pretty much lost to me, too.

Fucking gross:

No Fucking Way: (Exclamation) Impossible; completely unimaginable to be true.

Guess what guys?

No really, you're never going to believe this...

OK, ready? Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With TWINS!! I know, right? Crazy!

Yeah, so anyway... When I saw the headline late yesterday, I was like, what -- did I get caught in a time warp and sent back to February of 2008 or something? But no, apparently Jack Black let it slip yesterday in a joint-interview to promote their upcoming movie, Kung Fu Panda. I always assumed Brad Pitt was the father, but hey, whatever rocks your socks Angelina. Congratulations to the happy couple!

More of the Jolie Whisperer promoting Kung Fu Panda:

No Contest: (Noun) A lack of challenge; an obvious choice or winner in a comparison or competition.

Hey, remember when Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff had that feud over Aaron Carter a few years back? I wonder who ever won that. Although, I suppose you really can't call a winner in a love triangle. In life, on the other hand... We can totally call that. Wanna take a guess who the big winner at life is here?

More of the Duff sisters at the premiere of Hillary's new film, War, Inc.

Nerd Alert: (Interjection) Term used to call attention to a social outcast, geek, dweeb, geeky dweeb, dork, poindexter, emo kid, etc.

Necrokrasinkiphilia (Noun) An irresistible sexual attraction to John Krasinski’s corpse.

I don't rightly understand this new phenomenon -- wanting to fornicate with the corpse of John Krasinski -- but it is real, and it's taking over the planet. And I think conducting a photo shoot completely immersed in water is Krasinski's way of flirting. Tease.

 








 

Novelist (Noun) one who writes novels. 

... and guess who is joining the illustrious ranks of modern novelists? Liz Phair, bitches! Not content to pen one of the greatest albums of the 90s, or simply be the hottest rocker chick of all time, according to the NYTimes, Phair is now writing a book, fiction not memoir.

Oh, and Exile in Guyville will also be re-released (along with a documentary on the making of the original album) on June 24th. Fuck and run, y'all. Fuck and run. Take your Avril Lavignes and shove 'em up your hineyholes -- Liz Phair could stomp on that girl, grind her up with the heel of her boot, roll her up and smoke her, unfiltered.

Number Two: (Noun) Used euphemistically to refer to feces; a turd.

Well, I always knew Mariah Carey was a big number two, and now it's official! With the release of her new single, "Touch My Body" Mariah Carey has surpassed Elvis in No. 1 singles on the Billboard singles chart, to take second place behind the Beatles.

"I really can never put myself in the category of people who have not only revolutionized music but also changed the world," Carey told The Associated Press on Tuesday via phone from London. "That's a completely different era and time ... I'm just feeling really happy and grateful." (Source)

In related news, Mariah Carey has also surpassed Elvis in number of peanut butter and bacon sandwiches eaten, total laxitives consumed, and amount of unflatteringly tight clothing worn.

Mariah pushing those horizontal stripes at a press conference earlier this week: