Overshare: (Verb) To offer too much information about oneself, often of a personal or embarrassing nature.

I can't even muster prefacing his quote with anything besides Jessica Simpson is retarded:

"Tony is a great quarterback, but he's a better boyfriend," Simpson, 28, told PEOPLE at a Nina's Night Out, a benefit for the Rape Crisis Center at the Palms Casino Resort's Pearl Theatre in Las Vegas on Thursday. "I'm seriously proud of myself for letting him into my life." (Source)

I'm proud of myself for a lot of things. For instance, I'm proud that I own my own home, run my own gossip blog, not to mention being able to juggle two full time jobs on top of drinking copious amounts of delicious boxed wine each and every night. Jessica Simpson is proud of herself because she has a boyfriend. And she says this at a benefit for a Rape Center. Feminist icon or feminist hero?

Gloria Fine Hams at the rape thing from the quote:

Optimist: (Noun) A person disposed to take a favorable view of things.

Kim Kardashian has a theory, everybody! That's right, the girl who is famous solely for having a "big ass and a sex tape" is actually capable of forming conjectures on a higher plane of thinking. I know, right? So what is this awe-inspiring postulation of hers? That bloggers make fun of her because we just love her so damn much. While speaking with moviefone about her upcoming Disaster Movie:

I really don't think that critics ... it's just kind of like everything else ... on all the blogs that you read, all the comments could be nasty, but the person's so popular. So I have a new "hate is the new love" theory. And I just think that the movies speak for themselves. (Source)

Reverse psychology, bitches! So when I say I wouldn't watch her shitty new movie with Helen Keller's eyes, apparently it's only because I secretly think it's so awesome. Does that make sense? No? Well, you know what does make sense, unfortunately? Really, really stupid effing people with disposable income. Lots of them.

From from the Idiocy Tour '08:

Over: (Adverb) Finished, done, terminated, to have a fork stuck in, etc.

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong, both of whom will turn to dust if they stay in a committed relationship for too long, have predictably called it quits after three months. Good thing they didn't do anything stupid like jump the gun and play house with each others' kids or anything, right? Oops.

Each had introduced the other to family. Hudson's mom Goldie Hawn gave what seemed to be her approval at a July 1 lunch at The Ivy at the Shore. Also, Hudson's four-year-old son Ryder went to a Father's Day brunch with Armstrong — and dad Chris Robinson - in June. (Source)

Now, I'm the last person who should be telling anyone how to raise their kids... But when your child starts approaching strange men at the Home Depot and asking "Are you my Daddy?" -- I think it's safe to say the irrevocable damage has already been done.

Older photos of Kate and Lance playing tennis the unconventional way, (with tongue):

Outgayed (Verb) A masterful move in which the outgayer become far more gay than the previous title holder. 

Ah, dude: Ouch. T.R. Knight was totally outgayed by a straight man over the weekend at the 14th Annual Outfest Film Festival. Game, set, and match! Well played, Robin Williams.

Olfactory Fatigue (Noun) Olfactory fatigue or adaptation is the temporary, normal inability to distinguish a particular odor after a prolonged exposure to that airborne compound.

The buzz on Justin "The Mac Guy" Long today is that he may have actually dumped Drew Barrymore for Kirsten Dunst or, at the very least, he was seen hanging out with Kirsten, holding hands in public.

And that's what's great about olfactory fatigue -- when you move from one smelly hippy to another, you hardly even notice the stink!

Obviousm (Disease) A disease that's main and only symptom is the stating of the obvious, which is already known to everyone.

You have fun with this one, folks. I considered making a stab at a joke, but it was all so obvious as to be rendered dull. Also, kind of mean. I'll leave the nastiness up to yourselves today.

Oh No: (Phrase) An exclamation of shock and horror.

If there's one thing I hate, it's goddamn musicals. But if there's one thing I hate even more than musicals, it'd have to be torture porn. And if there's one thing I hate more than anything, it's Paris Hilton. So it seems only natural that all of these despised elements should somehow find each other to create what might be the worst movie in the history of ever: Repo! The Genetic Opera. Since the above trailer was of little help, I went to IMDB for a synopsis:

An epidemic of organ failures devastates the planet. Panic erupts and scientists feverishly make plans for a massive organ harvest. Out of the tragedy, GeneCo, a multi-billion dollar biotech company, emerges. GeneCo provides organ transplantation for a profit. In addition to financing options, GeneCo reserves the right to implement default remedies, including repossession. For those who can't keep up with their organ payments, collection is the responsibility of "organ repo men", skilled assassins contracted by GeneCo, ordered to recover GeneCo's property by any means necessary.

And yes, if you were paying attention, that was indeed my beloved Anthony Stewart Head of "Buffy" in that clip. Welp, it's official: the universe hates me. My coworker was just telling me I'd have bad luck for wishing people into car accidents, but I thought she was just being superstitious because she's old and stupid.

Actually, I really like Paris Hilton's outfit here. But I still hope she gets into a car accident. Dammit! See? I'm doing it again!

Old: (Adjective) having lived for a long time; no longer young.

Speaking of days of yore -- we couldn't have a true 1990 revival without Vince Neil fatting up the stage in a pair of leather pants two sizes too small, now could we? Which one is this now, the prostate awareness tour? Viva la Crue!

Editor's note: You may have noticed posting has been light this week, as Dustin is in the process of an interstate move. Hence, the reason I am able to make fun of Motley Crue. Because if there's one thing Dustin loves more than the idea of long walks on the beach with Ryan Reynolds -- it's hair metal. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Old Spice (Noun) A masculine blend of sweat, gasoline, and animal blood, it is the surest way to snag the hottest chick at the bowling alley.

All right: Putting aside the overpowering putridity of Old Spice, I gotta hand it to the advertising folks for the company, who have put together two of the better commercials in recent history. But, which is better? The Neil Patrick Harris Old Spice commercial (above), or Bruce Campbell's (below)? It's an impossible question.

Insinuative (Adjective) To instill or infuse subtly or artfully, as into the mind. 

Open Invitation (Noun) A request, available at any time, to participate or be present or take part in something.

Octogenarian (Adjective) between 80 and 90 years old.

Woah, now, buddy. Before you go casting aspersions on these lovely ladies, you just wait until you're an octogenarian. Then come back and let's talk, kapisch? (That said, Bea Arther could've made a better choice than flip flops -- 90-year-old feet ought be kept under wraps).

 


 

Obscene: (Adjective) Offensive or disgusting by accepted standards of morality and decency.

So yesterday afternoon I came across these photos of Spencer and Heidi whoring it up at The Magic Kingdom, and I thought to myself: "Not bad -- but I bet I can find Disney pictures even more crass and offensive than this." But as it turns out, the spywear at my office sends off a red flashing light when it detects you google searching something like "Explicit Hardcore Mickey Mouse Fucking Minnie Mouse Pics Anal." Or should I say, former office, because -- funny story -- it turns out HR doesn't have the best sense of humor about employees searching for pornographic Disney cartoons during work hours. Who knew? Anywho, suffice to say I'm in the market for a new (preferably easy) desk job where it wouldn't be considered a "conflict of interest" to write for a gossip blog or look up porn at work. Any takers, corporate world?

Oh yeah: Heidi's shirt totally does say, "I Want More Privacy," as she's getting her picture taken by the paparazzi they paid to have follow them. Hahahahahahaha.

Optimum (Adjective) Most favorable or desirable; best. 

Because everyone knows, to get the optimum levels of sound from your guitar, it's best to have it tuned by a skilled Playmate.

Sheesh.

Office Romance: (Noun) A romance that occurs between two people who work together in the same office, work location, or business.

Jason Trawick, the poor man's Ted McGinley pictured here with Britney Spears, is her agent whom she is supposedly now dating. Normally I would advise against this, since her previous workplace romances (Kevin Federline, Adnan Ghalib) ended less than famously. But seeing that this guy doesn't have "stalking Britney Spears" or "doing the pop and lock" on his resume, and his face is refreshingly clean of any vaginal-like facial hair -- he seems, at the very least, a step in the right direction. So good for her, I say!

Mission abort! Mission abort!