Pure: (Adjective) Wholesome and untainted by immorality, esp. that of a sexual nature.

Benji Madden is supposedly planning to get a tattoo of Paris Hilton on his torso, but Paris says that she won't be following suit as Benji has forbidden her from getting tattoos.

She explains, "He is going to get one of me but he won't let me get one. He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure." (Source)

Haha ha hahaha haha ha hahaha ha haha hahaha ha haha hahaha. Oh, excuse me. I just peed on my chair a little bit. Seriously though, this is pretty much the greatest miscarriage of the English language I've ever heard in my life. The only way "Paris Hilton" and "pure" should ever appear in the same sentence together is if the word "shit" is immediately following the word pure. No seriously, it's one of those grammatical rules, like "i before e except after c." Look it up!

Example: "Next to a Picture of Marilyn Monroe, Paris Hilton looks like pure shit." See how easy that was? Grammar can be fun!

Prima Doucha (Noun) a douchebag with a shitty personality who is considered vain, temperamental and/or conceited.

Mike Myers is going out of his way to catch Chevy Chase Syndrome. During a tape of Conan O'Brien's show last week, Myers got all prima doucha on backstage staffers. According to Page Six:

"He sent a team of interns on a wild goose chase for Silk nondairy creamer, Twizzlers and raspberry seltzer," said our witness. "Then he sent one of the interns back out to get him a new drink when he realized his seltzer was not the brand he requested."

You know what, Mike? Seltzer is seltzer, and you need to stick your ego back up your ass where it belongs. You know that movie of yours that opened over the weekend, about an American raised by gurus? Maybe in the course of your "research" (which I'm sure entailed shitting on linoleum and rolling around in it), you didn't run across the Buddhist belief that whatever you do comes back to you. It's called Karma, Mike. And that 4th place opening of Love Guru probably had a little something to do with that seltzer you returned, bitch. 

Package (Noun) The outline or bulge of the male genital as visualized on one wearing tightey whiteys.

Editor's Note: Who thinks Dustin should put his money where his mouth is and show us his package? Now that would be a very special package.

Pugly (Adjective) Someone who is pug ugly; has a face like a pug and is extremely ugly in personality and physical appearance.

Occasionally, I'll stroll over to Fark and see if their advertising some gossip that we've somehow missed, and I just have to say, those folks are total asshats. I mean: Real lousy sons of bitches. Seriously. Like this: After reports came out that Tori Spelling's dog had died, those bastards didn't miss an easy opportunity for a cruel joke, quickly providing this headline:

Tori Spelling mourns the death of her beloved pug, the only creature in her house uglier than her.

What a bunch of cretins! How insulting is that? Clearly, Tori is much uglier than the pug; I mean, at least the dog has an excuse for being pugly, right? I'm just saying: Don't go around bagging on a dog's looks and, for fuck's sake, don't suggest it's uglier than Tori Spelling. That's just piling on.

Poor Posture (Noun) The incorrect position of the limbs or carriage of the body as a whole.

Megan! Sit up. That's terrible posture. When you slump down like that, your own muscles are literally pulling you down. A slumped posture not only harms your arm and shoulder muscles, but your neck, jaw, and throat muscles. Poor posture may cause fatigue, muscular strain, compression of blood vessels and pain. Nobody wants that for you, Megan. Sit up straight and mind your manners.

Oh, and put on a shirt.Your mother let you walk out of the house like that?

Pariah Carey: (Phrase) Just a really fun way of saying "Nobody likes Mariah Carey."

Mariah Carey is reportedly having to scrap plans for a follow-up, multimillion dollar NYC dream wedding to her quickie Bahamas elopement to Nick Cannon because nobody wants to pay for it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

“The small wedding in the Bahamas was nice, but it was not Mariah’s style. The lady loves a spectacle,” said a source familiar with Mariah’s plans. What went wrong? The issue of who was picking up the tab. “Mariah was willing to pay for the wedding, but the way she hoped to pay for the wedding was through the sale of photos. No one was interested,” the source revealed. (Source)

Christ. This would be sad if it weren't so totally fucking hilarious! Even Ashlee Simpson, who is an unlikeable, worthless piece of shit got $1.4 mil for her wedding photos from People. Then again, I'm guessing if Paris Hilton were to throw a "doggie wedding" for two of her stupid chihuahuas it would still garner more public interest than Mariah Carey cramming her big ass into a skintight wedding gown encrusted with pink and purple Swarovski crystals patterned into butterfly shapes. There are some some instances where the imagination is more than adequate.

Just for fun, "Baseball is Hard!" Barbie:

Peekaboo is a game similar to hide and seek, but played with babies. In the game, one (child, teenager, or adult) hides their face, pops back into the baby's view, and says — to the baby's amusement — Peekaboo! I see you!

Isn't this adorable? Ashlee plays Peekaboo just like my 11-month-old son: By covering just the one eye. I'll tell Ashlee the same thing I tell my kid: That's cheating, buddy, and if you keep it up, you're going straight to hell, where Satan gouges out your eyes out if you cheat.

Puff-tarded: (Adjective) Used to describe someone who goes through gratuitous changes of rap moniker.

The artist formerly known as the rapper who used to bang Jennifer Lopez is now calling himself Puff Daddy again, after having gone through P. Diddy, Diddy, Sean John, and Puffy -- even though everyone knows damn well his real name is Sean Combs.

"They call me Puff Daddy... he's back," the mogul raps on the remix of O'Neal McKnight's single "Check Your Coat." (McKnight is Combs' former stylist.) "Yeah you heard me right - I said Puff Daddy," he continues. "I'm about to back on that Puff Daddy sh*t."

Combs also posted on his MySpace page: "This is your boy Puff Daddy!!! Yes Puff Daddy." (Source)

Since I'm the type of person who is resistant to change and also likes to rub people's faces in their past mistakes -- I've never stopped calling him Puff Daddy. So this makes it easy for me, anyway. Unfortunately for him, just because someone calls themselves Puffy Daddy again doesn't mean it's automatically the period of time when someone named Puff Daddy was actually cool and relevant.

More of Poop Daddy (Ha! See what I did there?) at the MTV Movie Awards:

Photographic Palate Cleanser (Noun) A photographic image used to cleanse your mind of unpleasantness. 

OK. I'll grant that Alicia Gorenson is the legitimate Becky and that she was better suited to the role than Sarah Chalke. But it's Monday morning, and there's a long week ahead of us. So, with due respect to Stacey and her apparent girl crush on the scary woman in the picture below, I must offer a nice photographic palate cleanser to get us back to even keel, so that we can proceed with the week's posts. She may have been a lousy Becky, but Sarah Chalke is very pleasant to look at, and, well, awesome.

Pungent (Adjective) Sharply affecting the organs of taste or smell, as if by a penetrating power; biting; acrid.

I don't mean to be crude or uncouth, but is it just me, or can you almost smell Devendra Danhart by looking at his photo? Doesn't the look of him just smack of pungent body odor, stale cigarettes, patchouli, and a hint of ball sweat?

It's just a phase, isn't it, Natalie? I'm sure it'll pass soon enough.

Pregnancy Bird (Noun) What you flip when you're on the brink of giving new life to the world, your feet are swollen, your exhausted from carrying around a human inside of you, and those motherfucking photographers won't leave you the fuck alone.

Petulant Little Bitch (Noun) Unreasonably irritable or ill-tempered little bitch.

Isaiah Washington, homophobic douchewand, is suing the producers of "Grey's Anatomy" because, even though he's no longer part of the show, they used an image of him in a newspaper clipping on the show to reveal that his character had won a prestigious award, which apparently had an effect on two of the characters. Obviously, NBC and "Greys" own Isiah's character, but he's claiming that they had no right to use his picture without his permission. He wants financial compensation.

What a petulant. little. bitch. Give me a break -- Isiah Washington should be so lucky that anyone would even bother giving him the goddamn exposure, what with his career having the half-life of Darmstadtium -- if the "Grey's" producers want to compensate him, give the asshole a cookie and tell him not to let the door hit his ass on his way out of Hollywood. 

Career Change: (Noun) To choose a new occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person's life.

Last week when we reported that Lindsay Lohan got dropped from the upcoming indie flick, The Manson Girls, I thought to myself, "Huh, that's odd. I would have thought she'd get dropped from the Jack Black movie first." Coincidentally, a rep for the production company filming Ye Old Times has now released a statement that they and Lohan have "decided to go [their] separate ways."

Since this whole "acting" thing clearly just isn't going to work out, and her options are kind of limited thanks to her criminal record and penchant for stealing -- here are the Top 10 Possible Career Changes For Lindsay Lohan:

10. Legging Designer (No wait, that'd never work...)
9. Liquor Store Panhandler
8. Slaughterhouse Blood Hoser
7. Porn Fluffer
6. Carny
5. Plasma Donor
4. New Applebee's Ribbon Cutter
3. Pharmaceutical Test Subject
2. "Celebrity Rehab" cast member (Season Five)
1. Sperm receptacle at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch

More of Lindsay at KIIS-FM's "Wango Tango" show this weekend wearing the ugliest fucking shirt I've ever seen in my life:

Pedostache (Noun) A thin layer of hair, lacking the regality of a full blown mustache, atop the upper lip. Commonly found on individuals with Tony Danza-esque minivans and lots of candy.

More candids, of Matt Damon on the set of The Informant.

Pathetic: (Adjective) Arousing pity, esp. through vulnerability or sadness

Madonna continued her midlife crisis/old lady reign of terror at a concert in Paris last night with more champagne-swigging theatrics and this time even orally assaulting one of her backup dancers.

She told the 1,500-strong crowd at the Olympia: "Why do I have this relationship with France? I'm always drawn to working with French people - and frenching French people. Vive la France!" (Source)

Oh Madonna, would you please just stop already? This is getting to be kind of sad. And really creepy. And stinking of desperation. You're a 50-year-old, married mother of three. Why don't you try an age-appropriate hobby like gardening or Suduko? We get it. You used to "be" somebody, and everything you did was shocking or avant-garde. But this is the generation of Miley Cyrus and 2 Girls 1 Cup, OK? So unless you start dropping trough at your concerts, pooing into a cup, eating it, vomitting, and smearing the poo and vomit all over yourself -- nobody is going to give a fart.