Webster's Is My Bitch

Snaps: Think Again

Fri, 09 May 2008 15:00:00 -0500

After you read this you'll never accuse us of being mean to rainbow killer again. (IDLYITW)

If you thought Mariah Carey was gonna stop dressing like a transvestite hooker just because she's off the market -- think again! (Seriously? OMG!)

And speaking of MC, here's her new video for "Bye Bye." (MTV Buzzworthy)

Amy Winehouse pulls an REM "Everybody Hurts" video moment. (The Blemish)

Ha ha! Letterman soothed Paris Hilton into a false sense of security so he could really nail the hell out of her! And not the kind she likes with a penis, either. (Celebitchy)

Does your kindergartener look like she could be a "Flavor of Love" contestant? No? Well why the hell not? (Yeeeah!)

You know who has a great idea on how to downplay Miley Cyrus' Vanity Fair pictures? Hugh Hefner, naturally! (Dlisted)

Because I forgot to include Michelle Trachtenburg's ugly-ass outfit in my costume gala round-up earlier this week. (usemycomputer)

From Joseph M. Caracciolo Jr., the man behind box-office smashes such as Lindsay Lohan’s Just My Luck, Brittany Murphy’s Uptown Girls, Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Simply Irresistible, and Swimfan starring that chick no one remembers -- now comes another piece of shit movie no one will remember! (Pajiba)

Double Standard

Fri, 09 May 2008 14:30:00 -0500

Double Standard: (Noun) A rule or principle that is unfairly applied in different ways to different people or groups.

Have I mentioned recently how much I hate Ashlee Simpson? No? Well I fucking do, A LOT. The latest thing Ashlee has done to attract my vitriol is by calling Britney Spears "trashy" on the British talk show "Nokia Green Room" like the catty little bitchface she is. (Watch the clip here.)

So I know what you're probably thinking. "But Stacey, why is it OK for you to make fun of Britney Spears?" Well, let me tell you a little story. When I was growing up, I used to torment the motherloving hell out of my little sister. Some of the particularly reprehensible things I did to her include dropping a brick of packed snow on her face while she was making a snow angel (which I subsequently blamed on my friend) and scratching all the sunburned, chlorinated skin off my arm after a day at the local swimming pool and blowing it in her face. But if anyone else tried to pick on my little sister? I would throw down and break some fucking skulls.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that Britney Spears is kind of like my little sister. My retarded, metaphorical little sister. Or maybe I just really hate Ashlee Simpson that much. I'm not really sure myself, so take your pick.

Assface promoting her shitty new album which will never outsell Britney's "Blackout":

Disappionted by Those G.I. Joe Stills: These Indy Images May Cheer You Up

Fri, 09 May 2008 14:00:00 -0500

Leper

Fri, 09 May 2008 13:00:00 -0500

Leper: (Noun) A person who is avoided or rejected by others for moral or social reasons.

Deadline Hollywood is reporting that Lindsay Lohan has been booted from her upcoming film, The Manson Girls, after producers discovered they couldn't find any name actresses willing to work with her. That's right, actresses who would otherwise be willing to star in an independent feature (read: straight to DVD) about the Manson family value their reputations too much to be associated with Lindsay Lohan. Or maybe, you know, they're just worried about having their shit stolen or their boyfriends fucked. Either way, at this point I'm pretty sure Lindsay Lohan couldn't be more of a leper if she actually had leprosy. But at least if she had leprosy people might actually feel kind of bad for her.

Stop Breeding, Assholes!

Fri, 09 May 2008 12:30:00 -0500

Have you folks ever heard of the Duggars. My wife, actually, is completely fascinated with them. They are this crazy, Bible-thumping, wackjob couple in Arkansas who currently have 17 offspring between the ages of nine months and 20 years old, who are all home schooled and basically sheltered from reality, destined to eventually fly the coop and have a mad Rumspringa-type meltdown before coming back to live with their parents, where they'll all sleep five to a bed.

Anyway, if you know them at all, you know them because, every few weeks seemingly, Mrs. Duggar spits out another kid (and, after 17, that's more literal than metaphoric) and TLC creams their pants to give them a televised special. In fact, so far as I know, this -- and the charity of the good Christian folks of Arkansas -- supplies the majority of their income (Jim Duggan once ran for Congress, but expectedly lost; I think he sells vinly siding or something now). In fact, a couple of years ago, when it was apparent that the Duggars needed a new house to shelter all of their children, TLC built them one and filled their pantry. TLC has become their welfare check, and Michelle Duggar always seems ready to collect.

Well, Mrs. Duggar is pregnant again, expecting her 18th child this winter. And I'm here to say: Stop it, lady. The world doesn't need another Duggar. There's no reason, other than simple narcissism, to keep procreating. You're single handedly causing the absorption of entirely too many natural resources and, in exchange, giving the world nothing but an additional headache in return. Eventually, TLC and the kindness of your neighbors is going to dry up, and you're going to be left with 18 goddamn kids and not enough means to support them. And then I'm going to be writing about Duggars on the pages of QuizLaw for the next 30 years. So, do us all a favor, Michelle: Do whatever you need to do -- yank out your uterus and sew your vagina shut, if you must -- but stop making babies.

Unfuckingbelievable

Fri, 09 May 2008 12:28:38 -0500

Unfuckingbelievable (Adjective) So unbelievable you have to add fucking for extra umph; the only thing in the english language that one can "un" fuck.

Name That Ass VI

Fri, 09 May 2008 12:00:00 -0500

This pair of buttocks belongs to an American actor, born in Michigan, who attended UCLA, started out in the Groundlings, and got his first big break on Ashton Kutcher's "Punk'd." He is currently dating someone far, far better than he is.

Name that ass!

The answer, after the jump.

Saint

Fri, 09 May 2008 11:00:00 -0500

Saint: (Noun) A person who is admired or venerated because of their virtue.

Paris Hilton launched her new line of shitty "Sally Beauty Supply" hair extensions yesterday, and blathered to People about how love has changed her and now she's such a good person and wants to get married and have kids and blah blah fucking blah.

"I've grown up a lot. I'm at peace," she added. "He's changed my life in every way. I'm happy."

Laughing about her beau's rocker look, she says her she follows some words of advice from her dad to look past it. "My dad said you shouldn't judge a book by its cover," she said. "He doesn't act at all like someone who has tattoos everywhere! I love him so much that I don't pay attention. I don't even look at the tattoos anymore."

Well that's noble that she's able to look past Punk Rock Powder's form of self expression to see the good person inside that disgusting, tattoo covered facade. So how is someone who "has tattoos everywhere" normally supposed to act? I'm sure some of you readers have tattoos, maybe you all could enlighten us. Well, if you all can find time between robbing liquor stores and tweaking on meth, anyway.

More of Saint Asshole promoting her crap:

Does This Count as Worthy Gossip?

Fri, 09 May 2008 10:30:00 -0500

I thought it was cool, anyway. I mean, nevermind that Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters are not only more culturally relevant and infinitely more talented than Metallica, who haven't delivered a legitimately great album since ... And Justice for All, it's still kind of cute to see a fan letter from one Rock God to another.

"Dear Metallica,

"Hey, it's Dave! Remember me? Yeah, I'm the guy that's been listening to your band faithfully since 1983. I bought your first album 'Kill 'Em All' from a mailorder catalogue called Under The Rainbow, I think. Actually I can't remember. It was 1983 for Christsakes! But that album changed my life and I've been listening to your albums ever since (even 'St Anger'!).

"I can't wait to hear the new shit, and no matter what you guys do I'll always be first one at the shop waiting to hear it. I'm sure you'll come out and blow everybody's fuckin' minds, because you're fuckin' METALLICA!

"Good luck. And don't release it until it's kick-ass.

"Yours, Dave Grohl.

"P.S. Are you finished recording the drums yet?" (Source)

It's kind of sweet, in a devil horn's rock-your-face off kind of way, huh?

I'm talking to the wrong crowd, aren't I? All well, stick around: I'm sure Paris Hilton is about to do something stupid.

This Is Why I Love Ryan Reynolds -- When I Take Off My Shirt, It's Like We're Twins!

Fri, 09 May 2008 10:00:00 -0500

Close Call

Fri, 09 May 2008 09:00:00 -0500

Close Call: (Noun) A narrow escape from danger or disaster.

Sarah Larson, former "Fear Factor" contestant / self-proclaimed Slut Patrol (oh wait, or did I proclaim her that?) cum famous girlfriend of George Clooney graces next month's Harper's Bazaar; because I guess what's more fascinating than some girl who won the boyfriend lottery? Anyway, Larson dishes on her life with George:

But that doesn't mean it's all red carpets and meetings with world leaders for the couple, who do normal things -- like watch marathons of "Rock of Love With Bret Michaels," which they did while recovering from their motorcycle accident last September. "We caught ourselves rooting for someone or getting frustrated," Sarah says. "And we were like, 'This is sad.'" (Source)

You know what would really be sad though, is if anyone unearths the "Rock of Love" audition tape she no doubt recorded about a week before she started dating George Clooney. But go ahead Sarah, just go on and keep acting like you weren't one casting call away from having Bret Michaels put his stank all over you and the other girls call you out that you're "not there for Bret" after they all found out you were on "Fear Factor." It's cool.

Mr. Clooney and Slut Patrol at the Costume Gala earlier this week:

Snaps: In the Company of Batmen

Thu, 08 May 2008 15:00:00 -0500

Aaron Eckhart's Two-Face is even more two-faced than you'd expect. (Comedy Central)

Elisha Cuthbert, in Hawaii, traipsing around in her wet drawers. (Celebslam)

Kardashiangasm. (Popoholic)

Britney and K-Fed phone sex? Blurgh. "Feed me Cheetos, you dirty dirty boy." (IDLYITW)

Ashlee Simpson listens to angry Papa's advices, decides to grow a pair. (Yeeeah)

What? Christina Ricci's brother once stabbed her for changing the channel? (Celebitchy)

OH HELL YEAH! Dr. Frankenstein is coming to "Supernatural" tonight!* (Seriously? OMG!)

Bai Ling can't seem to control her outerwear, specifically it's ability to keep her covered. (The Blemish)

*Added by Stacey, since Dustin would never admit to being excited over "Supernatural," even if he did watch it. Which he totally doesn't, or at least that's what he tells people.

Soft

Thu, 08 May 2008 14:30:00 -0500

Soft: (Adjective) Sympathetic or compassionate, to a degree perceived as excessive.

On the heels of a successful court appearance in which she was awarded expanded visitation; the preview clip for Britney Spears latest appearance on "How I Met Your Mother" has been released. And I have to admit, she looks pretty darn good! Actually, I'm feeling strange feelings right now, which could almost be described as... Happy. Like, I am happy for Britney Spears. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with me? Have I gone soft? About a week ago I even caught myself watching an episode of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," and just figured I was getting my period or something. But now this is just getting fucking scary. That's it. I need to go get drunk off of cheap gin and throw eggs at children getting off the school bus, STAT.

Here is Britney leaving Bally Total Fitness® earlier this week looking super healthy and cute. Argh! Shuddup, you!

Not Knowing Is Half the Battle

Thu, 08 May 2008 14:15:00 -0500

I wasn't particularly thrilled about the impending G.I. Joe flick, but now that I've seen some of the lackluster images of the cast, I'm even less than thrilled. They are all kinds of meh, starting with Sienna Miller as the Baronnes (above).

Storm (Gyungh-hun Lee), Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), and Hawk (Dennis Quaid)

From left to right: Duke (Channing Tatum), Destro (Christopher Eccleston), Breaker (Said Taghmaoui), Ripcord (Marlon Wayans).

It Wasn't Easy, But Eva Mendes Finally Figured Out How To Look Completely Unsexy

Thu, 08 May 2008 14:00:00 -0500

I don't care who you are, the toe-in-mouth photo is never an attractive one.