Selfless: (Adjective) Concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own.

Heidi and Spencer donated 100 pizzas to the homeless at the Union Rescue Mission in downtown Los Angeles yesterday afternoon. How uncharacteristically generous of them, right? Wrong. Spencer twittered something about giving 100 pizzas away to anyone who bought 100 copies of Heidi's new single, and Access Hollywood took them up on it and then made them give the pizza to the homeless.

“I meant it,” a food-service gloved Spencer told Access of his pledge as he delivered pies donated by Pizza Hut to the hungry. “[I] called into Billy’s radio show and had to follow though with my end of the deal and I said, ‘Where do you want the pizzas sent? Do you want them sent to Access Hollywood?’ And of course amazing Billy Bush and Access Hollywood said, ‘No, send them to the homeless, let’s make this a good cause.’ So here we are at the amazing Union Rescue Mission, which feeds, is currently feeding 3,700 mouths a day and more.” (Source)

And of course, it didn't hurt that there were plenty of cameras around to capture them doing unsanitary things with pizza. Because when it comes down to it, what's the point of charity if not everyone can see you being charitable? That's one they don't teach you in the Peace Corps.

Scraps: (Nouns) Waste or discarded material that which can be put to another purpose.

Oh, hooray! The Kardashians are getting a new reality show. Oh, not the one with the big butt that people marginally care about -- the other two. You know, Garfield's Slutty Cat Girlfriend Kardashian and the little quiet one. It's called "Kourtney and Khloe in Miami" and follows the two sisters as they open another one of those Dash stores.

The girls try to focus on designing and hiring staffers for their new store, but get sucked into South Beach's famous party scene.

Khloe is also offered an opportunity to host a local late-night radio talk show, which causes fights between her and serious sis Kourtney -- who wants her to focus on Dash.

"We knew fans could not miss out on this drama-filled duo as they invade such a beautiful, vibrant and notoriously wild city as Miami," says E!'s Executive Vice President Lisa Berger. (Source)

Wow, that sounds really super exciting. I even can't think of anything more exciting than this show sounds. Except maybe for the Crank movies, rollercoasters or a big satisfying dump in the morning.

The Kardashian sisters three at the Bravo "A List" Awards. (Editor's note: HA.)

Special: (Adjective) Better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual.

Oh, now isn't this just fucking precious? Paris Hilton is dressed up like the Bee Girl from that Blind Melon video. Of course, the message of that video was something along the lines of true beauty being on the inside, and that every outcast eventually finds their flock. The only difference here is that Paris Hilton is completely and unequivocally disgusting both inside and out, and God help us all if there's more out there like her. And here we thought the biggest threat to the American way of life was just the terrorists. Nice call there, Bush administration.

Spare Parts: (Noun) A duplicate part to replace a lost or damaged part of a machine.

What ... The fuck. Is wrong with Tori Spelling's boobs? No seriously, someone tell me. That's great that she got that pothole fixed and all, but now it looks like somebody tried playing Pin the Tit on the Donkey* with her chest. Does her plastic surgeon moonlight as a mad scientist? Even Frankenstein wouldn't tap that ass. Frankenstein would be all, "Really? That's as realistic as you can make 'em? No, no, sure. I mean, yeah, she's great and all ... But I'm kind of just looking for a girl friend here. You know, a friendship thing."

* Tori Spelling would be the literal/figurative donkey in this scenario.

Self-Esteem: (Noun) Confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, who often reminds us that she loves herself no matter what and has no body issues whatsoever, has posed for the May issue of Maxim. To prove to herself how comfortable she is with her body. Get it? Exactly.

Just why did she want to appear in the sexy magazine again? She confesses, "It's nice to have the Maxims of the world out there. You can look at them when you're 80 and be like, 'See? No, really, I was cute. I promise!'" (Source)

That makes perfect sense. So she can look at them when she's 80. To remind herself!! Or, you know, in three months from now once she falls off her 600 calorie per day diet and sees an unflattering picture of herself on the cover of Star magazine. Don't worry, it's cool. Just as long as she still loves herself.

More of Cap'n Confidence for Maxim:

Sanctimonious: (Adjective) Making a show of being morally superior to other people.

Oh, this is rich. Kim Kardashian sounded off on her blog on discovering that Octomom wears the same sunglasses she does, like she cares more about the babies than the horror that weird, icky old Octomom has the same taste as her.

Why is Octomom wearing my Jimmy Choo sunglasses!? I think it's a little ridiculous that she claims she has no money and is on welfare to take care of her 14 children, yet she is out shopping and buying Jimmy Choo sunglasses!

I guess she'd rather spend her octo-dollars on accessories. Aren't 14 accessories enough, Octomom?? Am I sensing a shopping addiction here? Khloe and Kourtney can hook you up with someone who can help you battle this! (Source)

Uh, pot, have you met kettle* yet? When it boils down to it, both Kim Kardashian and Octomom are both famewhores who are primarily famous for what has gone in and out of their vaginas -- whether it be fourteen babies or Ray J.'s gigantic penis (on tape). And in the grand scheme of grueling vagina stories, I'd say Octomom has as much, if not more right to wear Jimmy Choo sunglasses. Ray J's wiener is probably only the equivalent of two, at most, three babies.

* Direct euphimism for Kim Kardashian's ass.

More of Kim at the "No Lindsays Allowed" party:

Sensationalism: (Noun) The use of exciting or shocking stories or language at the expense of accuracy, in order to provoke public interest or excitement.

It's kind of a slow news day today, so I decided to see what the retards at PETA are up to lately. At any rate, what PETA is apparently up to is dressing up like dead baby seals at the Canada House in London to protest the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, because ... I don't know. I guess Canada kills baby seals or something. And they couldn't find any celebrities to pose naked rather than wear fur today. You know what would be an even better idea, though? If PETA protested the killing of baby seals by actually littering the steps of the Canana House with the actual carcasses of baby seals. I know, I know. Most people probably wouldn't get the concept, it's very existential. You don't even know how existential PETA can get.

Superior: (Adjective) Of high standard or quality.

At a party on Friday night celebrating the 100th episode of "Grey's Anatomy," Katherine Heigl denied rumors of wanting off the show, saying that she didn't know whether her character would live or die but would be happy to stay on the show if she lived. But of course, this being Heigl and all, she couldn't say it without being a massive cunt.

Heigl, who some thought was wanting out of the show to focus on her movie career, said she's comfortable balancing film and TV by working on big-screen projects during the show's summer hiatus.

"I'm more than happy to make that compromise," Heigl said. "As my agent likes to say, 'High-class problems.'" She added: "I don't know if I want to continue for five years working 12 months a year, but I can take at least another year or two." (Source)

Yeah, I suspect most people can't really sympathize with Heigl's "high-class problems" since something like 99% of the population actually does have to work for 12 months a year. Well, except those of us who lost our jobs due to the recession anyway, and have eat generic brand macaroni and cheese for dinner every night. I guess that's what Katherine Heigl would refer to as "low-class problems." What a peach this woman is. Just a real rotten, worm-infested peach.

More of Cruella DeVille on her birthday last year:

Substantiate: (Verb) Provide evidence to support or prove the truth of.

Here is Hilary Duff on the set of "Law & Order: SVU." Remember that time she and Faye Dunaway got into a fued over the alleged lack of Hilary Duff's acting chops? Well, I guess this just goes to show what Hilary Duff is really made of. They don't just let anyone on these "Law & Order" shows, you know. Not to mention, this is the rapey one. And we all know what R-A-P-E spells, right? Emmy. Exactly. That award is as good as Hilary's. So how do you like them apples, Faye Dunaway? Do you smell what Hilary Duff is cooking now, bitch?!

Skankalicious: (Noun) Embodying the qualities of skankiness.

Fergie managed to nearly out-faux pas pissing herself onstage when she showed up to the launch of her new clothing line at Nordstroms this weekend with a freshly dyed scalp. Jesus, how does that even happen unless you A) dye your hair yourself with B) with Manic Panic? Now to complete the look all she needs is a Catholic school skirt, fishnet stockings, a nose ring and 3-ring binder with skull and crossbones drawn all over it.

Scumbag: (Noun) A contemptible or objectionable person.

Holy CRAPCAKES guys! Anna Nicole Smith's former lawyer/companion of questionable nature has just been charged with furnishing her with drugs over two years after her death. I did not see this coming, whatsoever.

Also charged with felonies were two doctors, Sandeep Kapoor, 40, and Khristine Eroshevich, 61, who allegedly prescribed medication unlawfully to Smith, according to the L.A. County District Attorney's Office.

The conspiracy counts allege the three defendants conspired to provide controlled substances to Smith from between June 2004 and January 2007. They also were charged with "prescribing, administering or dispensing a controlled substance to an addict," among other charges. (Source)

There's no word yet on how much jail time, if any, these three could receive if convicted. One thing's for sure, though, no amount of jail time can top the guilt Howard K. Stern must be carrying on his shoulders for being the main contributing factor in the tragic and untimely death of a young woman, leaving her young child motherless. Well... OK, maybe just a little prison ass raping could top it. You guys know I'm such a sucker for ass rapings.

R.I.P. Anna Nicole. Truly, she was too beautiful for this world:

Sickly: (Adjective) Often ill; in poor health.

In Miley Cyrus' new "memoir" (I'm sorry, I still can't say that with a strait face) Miles To Go: The Everyone Feel Sorry For This Spoiled-Ass Little Millionaire Story, Miley talks about a rare heart condition in addition to her grueling childhood.

"The type of tachycardia I have isn't dangerous. It won't hurt me, but it does bother me," she writes. "There is never a time onstage when I'm not thinking about my heart." (Source)

Is it April Fool's already? Thanks an effing lot, Miley, telling me you have some rare heart disease and then telling me it's harmless. Maybe next time you can just inform me that I've won the lottery and then instead just hand me a dry cleaning bill. Bitch.

More of the poorest rich kid in the world with Zoolander Lite:

Sad: (Adjective) Pathetically inadequate or unfashionable.

Madonna attended a Kabbalah party Monday night ostensibly after having raided Lourdes' closet. I don't even know what to say about this. But to recap: Madonna is 50-years-old, dating a 22-year-old and dressing like a 13-year-old. Why not? The next logical step will be for her to go around wearing diapers. Although the beauty of that is that by the time that happens, Madonna may literally need to be wearing diapers. It's the circle of life!

Star: (Noun) A famous or exceptionally talented performer in the world of entertainment.

Katherine Heigl has supposedly earned herself a nickname on the set of "Grey's Anatomy." No, not Mega Bitchface McBitchness... The cast refers to her as "George Clooney."

According to Grey's star Justin Chambers, that's the fun little nickname he and his costars have given Heigl, since she is "the movie star." Does that mean she's also becoming an ex-TV star? Is someone finally spilling the beans that Katherine is leaving for good? (Source)

That's a good point. Katherine Heigl is a lot like George Clooney. You know, except for the charm, talent, charisma and any other redeeming qualities George Clooney possesses. So in that way, she's kind of really not like George Clooney at all. Oh, and did I mention anatomically? I suppose that's a given.

More of the Silver Fox herself wearing my grandmom's shawl:

Show-Stopper: (Noun) A performance that wins enthusiastic or prolonged applause.

Britney Spears finally kicked off her much hoo-ha'ed "Circus" tour in New Orleans last night. The show boasted a 16-song set list with a whopping dozen costume changes, many of which involved -- spoiler alert! -- sheer bodysuits and pasties. Reviews are starting to roll in, which are predictably lackluster.

Descending from above in a red ringmaster-meets-dominatrix outfit to sing her hit "Circus," she showed that her body was tight, even if her dancing always wasn't. Indeed, throughout the show's four sections, there was a lot more strutting than real choreographic feats from Spears. And there was a decided lack of joy in her performance, which felt labored at times.

It didn't help that she hardly engaged the audience, not addressing them at all until after her lone encore, "Womanizer," performed in sexed-up cop uniforms. Given that Spears probably doesn't do much live singing either, it left a definite chill in the air.

When she wrapped the concert about 90 minutes after emerging, she seemed more relieved than anything that it was all over. (Source)

I don't know what everyone is expecting. She's a heavily-medicated psychopath with little to no free will when it comes to her career decisions. The only difference between Britney Spears and a marionette puppet is that the puppet at least has strings to keep it from making friends with crickets and shaving its head. I'd say the odds of her actually finishing out this tour are between "zero" to "not a fucking chance in hell."