Shitcom: (Noun) A sitcom that is really, really, really bad.

If you haven't reached full Jonas Saturation yet, you can rejoice because the Jew-fro'ed bromos are getting their very own TV show! Whee! The series, which will air on the Disney Channel, will be a scripted comedy with the brothers playing themselves.

"It's going to be about us as a band but dealing with normal things like trying to take out the trash and not get hounded by fans," Joe Jonas tells ELLEgirl magazine about the as-yet untitled series. "It's going to be a funny show, and it's going to be a great cast." (Source)

So how does this sound different from "The Monkees" again? I mean besides dripping latent incestuous homosexuality. Oh right: one of the Monkees wore a wool hat.

Superficial: (Adjective) Existing or occurring at or on the surface.

Perez Hilton gave an interview to the Daily Mail about his amaaazing (yawn) transformation from a big fat weirdo to an only slightly chubby weirdo.

'I'm not weighing myself, so I don't know how much I've lost. But I know my clothes fit a lot better. 'I've gone from a 46-inch waist to a 36-inch waist. 'My goal is not be skinny. I wanna be in good shape. I'd love David Beckham's body.'

'The only number that's important to me is five - and that's making sure that I work out five days a week. And I do. I'm very committed and it's all about consistency. 'It's been a months-long process, which began back in January. The first step was just eating healthy. (Source)

How does that old saying go? Something about diet and the word "die?" I'm not sure, but all I know is that I still want Perez Hilton to die. You can lose all the weight you want fatty, but you'll always be ugly on the inside! And as far as I know, there's still no diet for being a stupid asshole who everybody hates. Nyah nyah!

Nice outfit, jerkass:

Speechless: (Adjective) Unable to speak as the temporary result of shock.

Uhhhh.

So... Either Katie Holmes has taken on a second job in housekeeping at the midtown Best Western, or she's completely lost her damn fool mind. That's all I've got.

Shiner: (Noun) a black eye, typically resulting from a blow to the face.

Something happened to Kelly Osbourne. If you ask the smashed up part of her face, it tells you that somebody kicked the living shit out of her. However, if you ask the mouth part of her face, you can chalk it up to a freak accident.

While Kelly may have looked like she had been in a fight, her spokesman said the reality TV star had fallen prey to some bad DIY when the contents of a cupboard fell on top of her.

Kelly had a low-key bank holiday weekend at home after suffering from a tummy bug. Her illness was made even worse when she reached to get a glass from a cupboard in her kitchen and the whole piece of furniture fell off the wall on top of her, cutting her temple and hitting her in the left eye. (Source)

So basically, either Kelly's cupboard hates her as much as everyone else does, or she's been watching way too many Lifetime movies. Another good explanation for a black eye, according to the Lifetime network, is that you tripped and hit your face on a doorknob. Or you could take a cue from "Tom and Jerry" and say that you stepped on a gardening rake and the wooden handle hit you in the face, which is always hilarious. Except that that actually happened to my sister once, and she got severe puncture wounds in her foot as well as a broken nose. I guess that wasn't so funny, after all.

Well, at least she hasn't lost her appetite. Thank goodness for that:

Street Cred: (Noun) Commanding a level of respect or acceptability among the urban community.

Rapper Da Brat, who is best known for reality shows such as "Celebrity Fit Club" and "The Surreal Life" and lesser known for having a valid music career, was sentenced to three years in prison last week for assaulting a woman last year with a bottle of rum.

The hip-hopster and the victim, a waitress at the nightspot, apparently had an existing beef which boiled over. Police were called in after Da Brat was accused of slashing the employee's face with the glass bottle, sending her to the hospital.

Da Brat pleaded guilty to felony aggravated assault in the hopes of winning a light sentence or avoiding jail time altogether. But the judge wasn't in a forgiving mood, noting that the victim suffered permanent facial scars. (Source)

On the bright side, three years is a small price to pay to not have your legacy be that you starred alongside Screech in a reality show. See? When life hands you lemons, just bash those motherfuckers in the face with a bottle of rum and hope the judge is in a pissy mood!

Slugger at some pop awards last April:

Sweet Sixteen: (Phrase) Used to refer to the age of sixteen as characterized by prettiness and innocence in a girl.

Miley Cyrus is throwing her sixteenth birthday party at Disneyland on October 5th -- and guess what? Just a few lucky several to tens of thousands of her fans are totally invited!

There's also going to be a special fireworks display during what Cyrus calls "one rockin' night ... totally awesome." She'll sing some songs, too.

The public is invited, as the event will benefit a good cause, Youth Service America, which helps improve the lives of people ages 5 to 25. Priced at $250, a limited number of tickets to Miley's Sweet 16 - Share the Celebration will go on sale Saturday, Aug. 30, at 9 a.m. PT. (Source)

Hmm... Is it just me or does this seem like less of a "birthday party" and more of an elaborately staged publicity event in a last ditch effort to try to repair Miley's rapidly tarnishing image? Yeah, that might work for a whole five minutes... Until the footage from Miley's unofficial birthday party surfaces on the internet, which will more than likely involve an entire bottle of peach schnapps and Miley in her underwear. You know how that old saying goes: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her stop being such a dumb, slutty retard all the time.

Miley wearing a flowy dress recently: (Do I smell preggos rumors??)

Slumming It: (Phrase) To be forced into conditions that are less comfortable or lower quality than one is used to.

Hey everyone, Jessica Simpson finally got a paying job! As a beer spokesman! Guess which one? Nope, not Budweiser... Or Miller... Or Coors... Or, uh, Natty Ice. Jessica is going to be the new face of Stampede Light Plus! If you've actually heard of this kind of beer before -- well, you probably live in Texas.

"As an entrepreneur, I am always looking for ways to diversify my portfolio with good ideas and good people," Ms. Simpson said in a statement. "Yes, I work out and take care of myself, but I also like a cold beer once in a while." (Source)

By "diversify my portfolio" I'm assuming she means "pay her mortgage" with hopefully just enough scratch leftover to "buy another pair of those hideous cowboy boots she's always wearing." Sheesh. It's one thing to wish failure on somebody, but this is just getting sad. So if you happen to be in an In-N-Out convenience store and you run into a giant cardboard cutout of Jessica Simpson, make sure to wish her my condolences. And then, you know, maybe draw a mustache on her for me while you're at it.

More of Ms. "Nothing Left to Fall Back On No Really This Time" in NYC last month:

Satire: (Noun) The use of humor, irony or exaggeration to expose and criticize stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Following the popularity of Paris Hilton's campaign spoof, it seems notorious date rapist/statutory rapist/smut-peddling scoundrel Joe Francis has also decided to try his hand at internet humor, by filming himself sitting in front of the American flag and giving the above speech about civil liberties.

Now, some people gave Paris shit for not writing her own material, but at least I will say that she handled herself with aplomb and pulled it off damn convincingly. On the other hand, while I have no doubt Joe Francis wrote this crap -- unfortunately he also executes it like a kid reading his book report on The Mouse and the Motorcycle aloud to the rest of the Fourth Grade class.

Conclusion? Joe Francis still sucks a million times worse than Paris Hilton, and I hope he gets commandeered by a black guy with a wiener the size of a telephone pole when he makes his inevitable return back to imprisonment.

Shine: (Noun) A quality of brightness through reflecting light.

Katherine Heigl hasn't showed her face in Hollywood for awhile now, on account of, y'know, everyone hating her... So it must have taken some real courage to attend the third annual "Hot in Hollywood" event this weekend. And since that buys her about zero sympathy from us, I don't know what I find more hysterical about Heigl's "ensemble" here: that it looks like it was purchased right off the rack from The DEB Shop or that the glare from her dress is actually competing with the glare from her face. Jesus woman, I used less spackle when I re-tiled my bathroom.

Spy (Noun) a secret watcher; someone who secretly watches other people and secretly collects sensitive or classified information or otherwise engages in espionage. 

Holy Shit! The government just released over 750,000 documents from the National Archives, and among those documents were 35,000 personnel files, which revealed a super-secret  spy network created by FDR, the Office of Strategic Services (OSS), which later went on to become the CIA. And you'll never guess who was a fucking spy for the OSS?

Julia Child.

Yeah. That Julia Child.The doddering, world-famous chef. She was a spy! She used to collect information for the United States government. How crazy is that? And up until now, secret members of the OSS were never allowed to admit it, and now her family can share all of what they know. I wonder if she poisoned Russians with her food? I bet she was a sexy minx who lured people back with her lycra pants and souffles, where she choked them to death with her thighs!

Julie Child! So cool.

Steve Martin Syndrome (Condition) Describes someone with the unfortunate condition in which he looks 50 when he's 28, but fortunately, still looks 50 when he's 75. In other words, a person who perpetually looks 50.

You know it's a slow news day around here when we're resorting to birthday shout-outs, but this one is special, if only because, if you're like me, you will be floored to learn John Slattery's real age. Also: Let's be honest, who doesn't want an excuse to feature pics of this piece of tail from "Mad Men." Anyway, I'm not sure when I first saw John Slattery -- probably around eight years ago in "Ed" or "Sex and the City," but the dude has always looked 50 years old. And you get the feeling, he's probably got Steve Martin Snydrome. Or you would, anyway, if you realized that today he merely turns 45, making him the oldest looking 45 year old in Hollywood. Also, the best looking 45 year old in Hollywood.

And here's a couple of pics of Slattery, and because I'm feeling generous, a couple of his co-star on "Mad Men," Christina Hendricks, who makes my knees weak.

Swoll (Adjective) Short for swollen; muscular; jacked; ripped.

Woah. The fuck? Underneath all the hoodies and nice, ironed tucked-in shirts that Reese makes him wear, Jake is one swoll motherfucker. That's some A.C. Slater shit right there. Dayumm. Where you been hiding them rips, boy? With pecs like that, people are bound to forget that you make for a lousy Prince of Persia. Jacked? Yes. Middle Eastern. Hell to the nuh uh. Forgiven? Absolutely.

 

Shit Stirrer: (Phrase) A third party who instigates to cause and/or escalate an argument between two or more people, usually for their own entertainment.

You know who I hate? The Jonas Brothers. And it's not just any hate, but a special kind of hate I usually reserve for spiders and people who don't use their turn signal. And the hate is exacerbated by the fact that every time I give them the trashing they so richly deserve, I get bullied by a bunch of 12-year-old girls who are all "OMG ur so jealous. Jonas Brothers ROCK!!!!!11"

On a completely unrelated note: anyone want to take a guess at whose side The Jonas Brothers are taking with the whole Miley Cyrus and that Butterface Chick vs. Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato thing? If you said "Team Demi and Selena," you'd actually be wrong. "Self-respecting young men shouldn't give two shits about what a bunch of 15-year-old girls fight about" would have been the correct answer.

Star Wattage (Adjective) Refers to the relative popularity of a celebrity -- the higher the wattage, the more that celebrity will shine!

I often like to predict the box-office success of a particular film based on the popularity of the celebrities who attend a film's premiere. And for Star Wars: The Clone Wars, here's your star wattage: Seth Green! I predict a $6 million opening.

And here's the rest, a bunch of no-name celebrities at the premiere (is that Holly Robinson? "21 Jumpstreet"! Holla).

Scuttlebutt: (Noun) Rumor or gossip.

Thanks to the miracle of unsubstantiated internet rumors, we may we one step closer to knowing exactly why Bill O'Reilly is such an angry, racist bastard -- his wife totally used to bang Flavor Flav!!! Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee!

MediaTakeOut.com just caught wind that the popular dating site WhosDatedWho.com is reporting that Bill O'Reilly's wife used to be Flavor Flav's pop off. And it gets worse. Since she and Bill O'Reilly got married in 1995, that means she was getting it in with the human cockroach before he got his VH1 show. (Source)

Well I for one, would like some details on these so-called "encounters" between Flavor Flav and Bill O'Reilly's wife. Did they have their clothes on? Was it a negligee situation? She could have been dressed in some kind of dominatrix outfit. Was there falafel involved? Come on, Bill -- this is news! The people have right to know, goddammit!

Thanks to Verm for the tip!