Seriously: (Adverb) Used to indicate surprise at what someone has said and to check whether they really meant it.

People unveiled their "100 Most Beautiful People" issue today, and among the honorees -- which includes the likes of cover girl Kate Hudson, Isla Fisher, Amanda Beard and the cast of "Gossip Girl" -- is Rumer Willis. Now maybe sometimes we're a little excessively mean to old Potato Head here, and I will even go so far as to say she looks cute in a bikini. (See below.) But most beautiful?? Sheesh. These days People's most beautiful people issue must be easier to get into than Applebee's on a Tuesday night.

More of Rumer and friends shilling for Wal-Fart:

Shaved: (Verb) To have cut the hair off one's face with a razor.

In the most shocking news we've heard since her show on "Court TV" was canceled, Star Jones has filed for divorce from her obviously gay husband, Al Reyonds. In a statement released to "Entertainment Tonight," Jones says:

"Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce. The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyone's life that requires privacy with one's thoughts. I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman."

Al Reyonds on the other hand, released a statement to the effect of, "I just shaved off 175 pounds of unsightly beard and all I got was this awesome divorce settlement!" And by "released a statement" of course I mean he "announced through tears of joy to the patronage at Woody's before buying everyone a round." I'm sure deep down he was really pretty sad, though.

Slawsome: (Adjective) Super-awesome; awesome to the next level.

Despite having respective promising careers as fashion designer, recording artist, video game entrepreneur, advice columnist, political pundit, and movie star; Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are planning to get "back to their roots" with their very own "Newlyweds" type reality show.

"Spencer was saying, 'I want the world to see the real Heidi and Spencer,' and was emphasizing that the show would be just about them. No Lauren Conrad," we're told. (Source)

I have a confession to make. While I'm sure you regular readers have noticed my newfound obsession with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, I have never actually seen a single episode of "The Hills." Not ever. And now it's just like, there are too many other people on the show who aren't Heidi and Spencer, and I feel like it's too late to jump in. Kind of like with "Lost" or something. But a show just featuring Heidi and Spencer? Now that would be totally fucking balls-out slawsome. Not only would I watch the shit out of that show, but I would engorge myself and revel in their stupidity like two girls with a cup of poo.

Frick and Frack in NYC earlier this week:

Shocker: (Noun) Something that shocks, esp. through being unacceptable or sensational.

Hey guys, shocker of the century: Kanye West was breastfed for too long!

He tells New York magazine, "I have liked big tits ever since I was a kid. I was breastfed for too long I think. It messed me up." (Source)

Yeah, so I think Kanye is kinda missing the point here. Don't get me wrong, I always had him pegged for breastfeeding well into elementary school -- but not because he's a "boob man." What's his next big revelation gonna be? That he enjoys the smooth, sticky feel of rubber against his skin because he had a bed-wetting problem growing up?

Crybaby McPoopypants and girlfriend Alexis Pfeiffer at Fashion Week earlier this year:

Small Penis Ring: (Noun) A big rock given by a man to his future wife, trying to overcompensate for having a small penis.

Ashlee Simpson was "spotted" with Pete Wentz in this carefully orchestrated photo op in New York yesterday, showing off her new engagement ring. I would say this is a small penis ring, but since I can't picture Pete Wentz looking like anything else but a Ken Doll down there, maybe I should call it a no penis ring. Or a sorry for checking out my ass in your jeans in the mirror for hours before crying myself to sleep on your shoulder ring. Either would be sufficient.

Superstar: (Noun) A high-profile and extremely successful performer or athlete.

Because Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag's ridiculously inflated and deluded sense of self-worth never fails to amuse the fucking hell out of me, I am elated to report that Ms. Montag has said that she will not be appearing in the upcoming "Hills" movie, as she feels this is beneath a superstar of her caliber.

"I've never discussed a movie possibility for 'The Hills' ... and I'm not sure if for my first movie I'd let Lauren Conrad narrate me, so ... I don't think that would be something I would do," she said. "If I was doing movies, I'd want it to be with Denzel Washington or something like that. If they were to make a 'Hills' movie, I wouldn't be in it. No, thank you." (Source)

I don't know what I can even say to comedically improve that statement. The fact that Heidi Montag would think herself worthy of inhaling Denzel Washington's farts much less appearing in an actual motion picture with him just makes my freaking day.

Ms. "I'm Ready For My Closeup" wasting the Earth's precious oxygen at TRL yesterday:

Stalker: (Noun) A person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention.

John Cusack's stalker, (Emily Diane Leatherman, pictured above) has been ordered to stand trial for felony stalking after being arrested outside of Cusack's home in March. In a restraining order filed, Leatherman had been accused of throwing love letters and rocks over the actor's fence, and faces up to three years in prison if convicted.

Is it just me or does that seem a tad steep for throwing some shit over somebody's fence? Plus, think of all the pie-eating contests she'll have to miss out on if she goes to prison.

Show Ruiner: (Noun) Someone who causes a quality destruction to a television show.

Poor Britney. Even though everyone's been telling her she done good with her guest appearance on "How I Met Your Mother," star Neil Patrick Harris is now saying that she's a show ruiner and doesn't ever want her back, not in a billion-dey years.

''I'm in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed,'' Harris declared during a break from taping the Monday night CBS sitcom, which has grown a cult following since its 2005 debut. ''I worry that if they start 'Will and Grace'-ing us too much, that the show will suffer. And we're all really proud of the content of the show. I mean, viewership is not our game. It's the network and the studio's game, you know. It's the promotion department's game,'' the actor, who plays womanizer Barney, told The Associated Press in an interview last week. (Source)

Pffft. Ratings schmatings. Whatever, that's some other jerk's problem to deal with, right? In related news, word is coming in that Neil Patrick Harris has just been replaced on "How I Met Your Mother," and the character of Barney will now be played by Britney Spears. Congratulations, Britney!

Saving Face (Idiom) To do something to keep your reputation and the respect of other people. 

The Wall Street Journal is reporting, and CBS News is not outright denying, that Katie Couric may not fulfill her entire five-year contract with the network. Nearly two years into her contract, her newscast is currently lagging a distant third in the ratings behind Brian Williams and Charles Gibson's shows. The WSJ, in fact, says that she may leave by January, after the inauguration.

Oh, Katie: Millions of dollars in plastic surgery, gallon drums of Botox, and soft-focus lighting couldn't save your face, so why do you think that leaving two years into your contract is gonna save your reputation?

Suicidal Ideation (Noun) A common medical term for thoughts about suicide, which may be as detailed as a formulated plan, without the suicidal act itself.

In a survey conducted by Travelodge, British respondents said that Coldplay was the band they most like to fall asleep to -- James Blunt, Snow Patrol, and Norah Jones were right behind the Chris-Martin fronted band.

In the same survey, British people also stated that Coldplay is the band that would most likely trigger violent arm gnawing; the band most likely to prompt suicidal ideation; and the band most likely to be played to torture their terrorists.

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin', people,
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

Stink Eye (Noun) A dirty look; a hard, scornful glare.

Jesus: What?! What'd I do? Stop staring at me like that? Chill, lady. Just back up, Renee. Put away the eye daggers. I don't know why the fuck you're give me the stink eye, but relax, OK. Don't snarl at me, Pucker. I'm not going to say anything about your dress, which makes you look like a decorative ironing board. I'm just going to let it go -- you go back to your corner, and I'll stay in mine. Fuck me: Who took away your basket of lemons?