Undeserving: (Adjective) Not deserving or worthy of something positive.

Nick Hogan is getting released from prison on October 21st, and according to Brooke Hogan, the Hogan clan is planning a big, white trash brouhaha to welcome him home.

She says, "For Nick, we will all go together. He wants to see us. It’s not about us, it’s about him."

And Brooke is planning to cook up a feast for her 18-year-old brother once he becomes a free man. She tells Life & Style magazine, "He wants me to cook him everything that exists. Mac and cheese, cheeseburgers, salad, chicken - he’d even eat broccoli if I made it for him. Anything other than jail food.” (Source)

You know what else would be nice? A big layer cake. You know how they can screen photos on the icing now? I'm thinking something in German Chocolate with John Graziano's smashed-in head on it. I bet that's what John would want, anyway -- but I don't think he can eat cake. Something to do with most of his head being missing.

God I hate this stupid transvestite hooker:

Ultimatum (Noun) A final statement of terms made by one party to another.

Jennifer Aniston, currently robbing the pansy, white boy rocker cookie jar, met up with John Mayer a few weeks ago during a break in his tour and laid down the law with the boy, telling him that it was high time he moved his skinny little ass in and maybe started thinking about buying her a rock. According to super-secret, CIA counterspy double-agent sources, Mayer said that, "while he’s not against it in principle, they have to give it time.'

Hey now! Time is the last thing that Aniston has. While 30-year-old adolescent who sings about rolling up tiny balls of napkin paper may have all the time in the world, Ms. Aniston only has a few cycles left on those eggs of hers before they shrivel up and turn to fairie dust. And if she doesn't spit out a kid RIGHT FUCKING NOW, how will she ever be able to hold her head up around Brad and that robot-killing, high-tech baby-spitting vagina of his?

Tick tock. 

Ugly Stick (Noun) A stick that has the magical property of turning anyone touched with it, ugly. A beating from the ugly stick will have a much more severe effect than just a casual touch. Ugly sticks come from Ugly Trees, which can be found clumped together in ugly forests.

Well, I suppose we can guess at why Madonna and Guy Ritchie are having marital difficulties. He beat the hell out of her with an ugly stick. Domestic abuse is not cool, Guy. And neither is Madonna's new look: Nouveau Hideous. Holy Jim Beam.

Uncomfortable: (Adjective) Causing or feeling unease or awkwardnes.

Hate running on the treadmill? Well, at 24 Hour Fitness, a fully-suited Derek Jeter will actually skulk around behind you while you're running on the treadmill. Once you've been leered at by Jeter, you'll never look at running on the treadmill the same way ever again!

Warning: Having Derek Jeter skulk around behind you on the treadmill may cause side effects such as anxiety or the heebie-jeebies. 24 Hour Fitness not responsible for any Jeter-related panic attacks or post-traumatic stress disorder.

Ulterior Motive: (Noun) A reason for doing something beyond the immediate or present.

In "Shit Which Should Have Never Made it Past Maury" news -- Michael Lohan continues to deny his illegitimate daughter whom he allegedly fathered to another woman while "on a break" with Dina. As if the uncanny fucking resemblance didn't make it clear enough, this oughta be irrefutable evidence that the kid is, indeed, a Lohan:

Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann, is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal. A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” (Source)

You know who else has more singing talent than Lindsay or Ali? Every finalist who has ever appeared on any season of "American Idol," (including Sanjaya) most of the waitresses in Los Angeles, at least half of the members of any given high school choir, people that frequent karaoke bars, talented dogs, and my five-year-old niece with a speech impediment. If we just went around handing out record deals all willy-nilly to anyone who had more talent than a Lohan sister, there'd be more people in this country with record deals than without. Although that still wouldn't explain Scarlett Johansson...

Unholy: (Adjective) Not holy; unconsecrated; sinful or wicked.

Now I'm as big a fan of Tiffany "New 'Hot Mess' York" Pollard as anyone, but something just seems so wrong about this. Hasn't the memory of Marilyn Monroe been desecrated enough without having to be associated with the stank of menthol cigarettes commingling with Vaseline? But I guess if you consider the alternative -- which would be exhuming Marilyn's mummified corpse, outfitting it with a weave, acrylic nails fake boobs, Snuffalupagus eyelashes and sticking her in "I Love New York III: Weekend at Bernie's Style" -- maybe this isn't so bad after all.

Judy Garland on the other hand... Eh, I can see the resemblance:

Unfortunate: (Adjective) Having or marked by bad fortune; unlucky.

Yikes. That's uh, some baby ya got there, Nicole. At any rate, if "getting fat" isn't enough to dissuade Paris Hilton from procreating with Benji Madden, hopefully this oughta do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the Madden brothers are perfectly nice and everything, but I don't know that "pasty, big head" are necessarily qualities I'd look for when choosing a sperm donor. Put a pair of ray bans and a fedora on that thing and I'd think that there was three of 'em.

Unflattering Angle (Noun) A visual perspective that doesn't do any favors to its subject.

I will grant that Katherine Heigl is far more attractive than the above photo suggests, but given my deep disdain for Rainbow Killer, I'm inclined to advertise the underneath perspective, which gives the unfair illusion that she has thunder thighs and walks like Lurch. It's the way I prefer to picture her, anyway.

To be fair, here are some relatively flattering images:

Ultimate Burn: (Noun) A highly offensive insult to someone, usually involving something which the person feels most embarrassed about.

In a British interview last week, Corey Haim got people to pay attention to him for five minutes by talking about his past relationship with a pre-Spice Girls Victoria (Adams) Beckham. Not a man above kissing and telling, he joked about her technique:

"When she kisses she does this cool little thing. She does this little 'grrhh' gnaw thing. What did it feel like? Like a girl gnawing on your lip!" (Watch full interview here.)

Posh Spice has the face of a wombat, so hearing that she growls and gnaws when she kisses is probably the least surprising intimate detail of a celebrity I've ever heard. Still, coming from a guy who is probably somewhere listing autographed pictures of himself on ebay that he color copied himself at "Kinkos" right now is pretty embarrassing. I'm sure she would have cried like three whole fat tears about it if she hadn't had her tear glands removed to make her face look thinner.

Under the Bus (Expression) To cast a person in an unfavorable light with others; to take action or make statements intended to put another person at a disadvantage.

When it comes to Rainbow Killer, if there's one thing I think we can all agree upon is that the woman is a goddamn class act. Indeed, according to the L.A. Times, Katherine Heigl -- who won an Emmy for best supporting actress last year -- has decided to selflessly take her name out of contention this year, so as to give other actresses a fighting chance. She said:

"I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials."

Oh, cut the shit, Katherine: You just threw the entire "Grey's Anatomy" writing staff under the bus, you contemptible, narcissistic, delusional bitch. You know the saying, "Don't shit where you eat?" Well, you just took a huge, steaming dump on the "Grey's Anatomy" writers' table, and if there's any goddamn justice in the world, they are going to smear fecal matter all over you next season. I hope, in a symbolic act, they have an ambulance drive over you in the season opener, but that -- instead of dying -- you're forced to spend all 24 episodes in a hospital bed communicating by blinking while nurses "accidentally" spill bed pans on you.

You fucked with the wrong people this time, lady.

And for the record: I'm glad Denny died. You didn't deserve him.

Unappetizing: (Adjective) Not inviting or attractive; unwholesome.

Hmm... Well now that I see it like this, there really is nothing especially sexy or erotic about fellating a cupcake. I guess that's why "cupcake porn" never really took off. Don't get me wrong, in theory it was a good idea -- but after all that "2 Girls 1 Cup" business, no one was really interested in seeing all that chocolate frosting anyway.

(Update: Speaking of "2 Girls 1 Cup" and chocolate frosting. Now that is a coincidence.)

Unsubscribe (Verb) To take yourself out of a conversation or email.

UNSUBSCRIBE! UNSUBSCRIBE! UNSUBSCRIBE!

And yes, I'll admit right up front that this is the least cool thing I've ever done -- it's mean-spirited, nasty, and just plain offensive; but I received an email with these images from a friend yesterday, and while I immediately felt guilty about it, I grimaced, shook my head, forwarded it to everyone I know, which is basically just my poor drunk Grandma in Albuquerque. And since I don't think she will properly appreciate it -- or not appreciate it -- I felt compelled by the 12-pack of PBR I just downed at 8:30 in the morning to post them here.

*Shame*

But wow: She is an ugly woman.

(Please save your hate emails -- there is nothing you can tell me that I don't already feel.)

Unethical (Adjective) base: not adhering to ethical or moral principles.

I'm not sure what the proper etiquette is for dresses that costs thousands and thousands of dollars, but apparently, Sarah Jessica Parker wore a dress to a SaTC premiere the other day, only to learn afterwards that it'd also been worn by some woman named Lauren Santo Domingo and, before that, by Lindsay Lohan, revelations that elicited had SJP whinnying:

It's just unethical and disappointing that they would allow the dress to be worn again.

I don't know a lot about the fashion world, but out here, in the real world where people work for a fucking living, it's not all that uncommon to wear a dress more than once. In fact, it's customary to wear something until a) it no longer fits your fat ass, or b) it's threadbare and begins to fall apart. But, I suppose, in the bizzaro fashion world, it must be unethical to actually make use of fabric more than once -- and apparently, the more you pay for it, the least often it should be worn. But I do appreciate that SJP, in real life, is as big a vapid, shallow twit as her SaTC character.

I just hope to God no one wore this hat before SJP.

Unfair: (Adjective) Unkind, inconsiderate, or unreasonable.

Now, I'm not the one on this site who's known for posting namby-pamby, feminist, love your body diatribes, (not that there's anything wrong with that, because I know how you ladies love our resident sensitive man) but I've got something to say here. Everybody is saying Alanis Morrisette is pregnant -- even some of our illustrious readers -- and quite frankly I find that to be complete and utter bullshit. Despite not necessarily being a fan of her music, and her unfortunate rendering of the term "ironic," I've got respect for old Alanis here. Unlike 90% of the fuckwit celebrities I routinely skewer on this site, Alanis didn't get into this business because she participated in some asshole glorified karaoke contest or because she was willing to get breast implants or embody some fakedy-ass persona. No, people. Alanis Morrisette got here because she used to bang Uncle Joey from "Full House" and wrote a killer song about it that made a lot of people really happy.

And because of this, I'm going to say lay the fuck off Alanis Morrisette. Can't a girl have her metabolism come to a screeching halt or decide to go on an all cookie-dough and pork cracklin' diet without having some assholes say she's knocked up? Because unless I'm mistaken and women are now carrying their young in their necks, asses and thighs -- Alanis is no more pregnant than I am, and I weigh 110 pounds and consume so many diet pills and glasses of pinot grigio on a daily basis they've practically become food groups.

Now excuse me while I bask in the smug, undeserved satisfaction of an extremely shallow person who did their best to say something nice. It does feel good!

Uncanny: (Adjective) Strange or mysterious, esp. in an unsettling way.

As you can see, Liv Tyler is campaigning to take over for Heath Ledger in the next Batman Begins movie; making her the very first candidate for a female Joker. That is of course, if the Joker doesn't die at the end of this one. What? No! I'm not saying that's what happens! I have no idea if he dies or not, OK? So get off my damn case, you fanboy spoiler nerds.