Whipped: (Adjective) The state of being controlled by your significant other.

While discussing her upcoming "film" Disaster Movie, Vanessa Minnillo made a somewhat embarrassing admission about Nick Lachey: that he said 'I Love You' first. Hee hee hee!

"He just can't drop the L-word," Minnillo, 27, tells PEOPLE of her character's commitment-challenged boyfriend. "And what a girl wants more than anything in the world is for their boyfriend to say 'I love you.' "

But, says Minnillo, her real-life beau Nick Lachey, 34, doesn't have any similar hang-ups: "The L-word is not thrown around by men as easily as it is by women - but I didn't say it first! He's very loving. We're very open and vocal." (Source)

Oh, of course he said it first -- because Nick Lachey is clearly one of those guys who finds a girl and latches on like one of those parasitic, face-sucking aliens. God forbid he actually went for more than like a month without being in a committed relationship; I think his balls would descend from the inside of his body, his voice would drop three octaves and he would totally forget his department store purse-holding skills. Kind of like Flowers for Algernon Syndrome, only for extremely pussy-whipped dudes.

Vanessa with co-"stars" Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra:

Weenie Shrinker. Noun. The opposite of boner inducing; something or someone so atrociously unsexy that it causes shrinkage in the male area.

So, when did dressing in drag become synonymous with scaring the holy bejesus out of small children? If Christopher Nolan is looking to cast The Penguin in the next Batman, he might consider Maxi Shield (above), where erections go to die.

Here's some more blinding pics from last night's Drag Industry Variety Awards:

Cornhole (Noun) The crusty ring found upon entry to the anal area or a word used to indicate a class of person worthy of backing over while in your car, and then driving over with in forward gear.

It wasn't funny enough two years back when CBS recruited an African American family for its reality show, "The Amazing Race" with the last name of Black ("the Black family  was the last team to check in at the pit stop"), but now ABC is recruiting, for its reality program, "Wife Swap," "Cornhole Fanatics!" This paragraph wins the award for unintentionally funniest casting call of all time.

The hit reality show, “Wife Swap,” is doing a national casting call for the ULTIMATE Cornhole Family to represent the sport on the show! We are looking for fun, outgoing and entertaining families with big personalities that love to play Cornhole - and who would be excited to share their lifestyle with another deserving family! (Source)

Wife swapping and cornholing! ABC is one kinky fucking network. Maybe they can find the Bukkake family during casting.

Wishful Thinking (Belief) The formation of beliefs and making decisions according to what might be pleasing to imagine instead of by appealing to evidence or rationality.

Please. Pretty please? Pretty please with a light and super compact, Beretta semi-automatic pistol, loaded with the safety off on top?

Wah: (Exclamation) The noise a stupid crybaby makes.

As is the plight with many of Hollywood's marginally talented young actresses who make mediocre career choices, Megan Fox too carries the weight of the heavy cross of hotness.

She tells MTV UK.com, "I'm not comfortable with it (FHM Sexiest Woman) at all. It annoys me. (Source)

I totally hear where she's coming from. You know what annoys me? When I'm just minding my business at the Target or whatever, wearing what I feel comfortable in, and people are all like leering at me and crap. Like they're never seen lingerie before! Or how about when some uppity "store associate" comes over and tells me I have to "cover myself up." The nerve! Hello?! It's summer. What am I supposed to wear, a parka?

Old photos of Megan Fox in, uh, FHM being totally unfairly objectified:

Wrong: (Adverb) In an unsuitable or undesirable manner or direction.

What. The fuck.

Seriously now. There is so much going on in this picture that disturbs me, I'm almost at a loss. First of all, why are three adolescent boys who are allegedly A) straight, B) virgins and C) brothers draped on each other like it's the cover of a fucking spank mag? I mean, the one on the left is literally in the process of seductively ripping off the shirt of the one in the middle, while the one in the middle is holding onto the tie of the one on the right like it's a leash. Kinky.

Second of all, what are a bunch of Grade A Turds like the Jonas Brothers doing on the cover of Rolling Stone in the first place? I understand that Rolling Stone is hardly the bastion of pop culture relevancy these days, but it's like they've just completely given up at this point. Death row inmates in Texas are less resigned than this.

More of the Jonas Bromos hanging out with Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Gah:

Wish In One Hand, Sh*t in the Other. See Which One Fills First. (Expression) When a person wants the impossible.

Despite all the staged photographic evidence to the contrary, Now Magazine -- which is, like, The Wall Street Journal of gossip rags -- is reporting that things aren't exactly peachy fucking keen in the magical fairy love land of Nick and Mariah.

Nick, 27, is said to be sick and tired of his 38-year-old wife’s diva demands. ‘Things are really bad between them,’ one insider says. ‘The honeymoon period was over before it began. 'Nick’s been surprised at just how demanding his wife is. He moans that she has him waiting on her hand and foot. He’s realised that he doesn’t really like her very much.’

The couple wed on 30 April after dating for just 5 weeks, but even Nick’s friends predicted the marriage wouldn’t last 6 months. 'She treats him like an assistant,' a friend of Mariah's says. 'Not like an equal or her husband.' (Source)

Well, it is nice to see that Nick has joined the rest of the world in realizing that he doesn't like Mariah very much. But if he's wishing for a divorce, he can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills first. Not only would divorce be career suicide for Nick -- whose resume essentially includes Drumline, Roll Bounce, Married Mariah Carey -- but that crazy lady ain't gonna leave him out of her sight long enough to allow him to find a lawyer and file for divorce. "Til Death Do You Part" doesn't mean three fucking months -- it means until you die of exhaustion, after you've rubbed the corns off her feet, taken out the trash, mowed the lawn, gone down on your woman, and built a motherfucking birdhouse for her soul.

Take the easy way out, son. Next time she asks you if she looks fat in a dress, just nod your head yes and pick up your head somewhere in the middle of next week.

White-Boy Day (Holiday) In True Romance, the wannabe-black pimp Drexl's (played by Gary Oldman) idea of a holiday where crazy white men can assualt pimps in their place of buisness and get away with it.

What's not to love about Gary Oldman? Here's a man who can play some of the bad-assiest characters in the history of cinema, and still show up to a movie premiere looking like your crazy picked-on 9th grade science teacher whose students ironically call "coach." And you know what? The dude still scares the piss out of me. This is a guy you won't want to be standing next to at a urinal -- he'll punch a hole through your neck and then piss through it for shits and giggles.

"Now I know I'm pretty, but I ain't as pretty as a couple of titties."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wall-E (Pixar Film) Best reviewed film of the year so far, about a robot stranded on Earth. 

Just think: If you had one of these, you'd be watching Wall-E right now.

White Lie: (Noun) A harmless or trivial lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings.

Larry Birkhead spent almost $3 grand this weekend on lingerie from a celebrity auction worn by Anna Nicole Smith in one of her famous Playboy photo shoots, as a gift to his daughter Dannielynn.

Birkhead said he is trying to make sure his daughter has something to remember her mother by. "I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about," Birkhead told The Associated Press. "Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career." (Source)

Sounds like one hell of a scrapbook he's putting together. I guess the "Mommy's Skeevy Playboy Outfits" entry will fall somewhere after the first dollar bill shoved into her G-String and somewhere before "Pictures of the Old Dude Mommy Fucked to Earn Your Inheritance" and the collection of failed paternity tests to prove "Which Daddy's Sperm Made You." Would it really be so bad to just tell the kid that her mom was a royal princess who tragically died saving orphans from a fire?

I'll say this, if Anna Nicole ever did anything right, she made one really fucking cute kid:

Would You Rather? (Party Game) A game in which you ask difficult questions to find out about someones traits. 

So, would you rather bone the funny guy or the good-looking one?


 
The geeky one, or the fat one?



And finally, the girl-next-door hot one, or the hot hot one?

Wiener: (Noun) A dorky, socially inept, or boringly studious person, or someone who used to star on "Saved by the Bell."

Sometimes they just make it too easy. So anyway, at a Oscar Meyer charity event yesterday, the newly single Mario Lopez told People what he's looking for in a girl. You know, in case any ladies out there were interested or whatever.

"I'm a pretty low-maintenance kind of guy. I'd like to be with someone who is secure with themselves. She has to understand that I have a lot going on and I'm busy."

"I'd like someone who has their own thing going on - their own 'passion,' whatever it is." A surefire way to win him over? "I like a girl that's funny."

So basically, he's looking for a funny bitch who's not clingy and has got her shit together. Hmm. By this account, it sounds like I could date Mario Lopez. Go on:

As for pet peeves: "If she's a big chain smoker, I'm not really a fan of that. Or a cusser - someone who isn't nice to people."

Oh. Well, whatever jerk -- like I really wanted to date you anyway. Maybe I have a little something known as "standards" myself, did you ever think about that, Mario? Huh? Like maybe I don't date guys named after Nintendo characters. And did it ever occur to you that maybe some girls don't like stupid dimples and ginormous muscles? Maybe I'll just give Screech a call. See? Doesn't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot, now does it,
Mr. I'm-Too-Stinkin'-Hot-to-Date-Mean-Girls-Who-Curse.

Walk of Shame (Noun) After spending the night at a member of the opposite sex's house, having to walk home in the morning looking trashy, romped and hungover.

Now, come on Demi: You're a little old to be doing the Walk of Shame, don't you think? And honestly, the 7th Annual Chrysalis Butterfly Ball is neither the time or place to show up disheveled and hungover and looking like the morning-after prom. Act your age, lady. And comb your fucking hair and pull up your dress, while you're at it.

Sheesh. 

Whirled Peace (Ice Cream Flavor) A world where rainbows, unicorns, warm fuzzies and Maggie's ice-cream inspired Smiles dominate. A place where I want to be.