Paul Barresi, a porn star-cum-private dick (pun intended) who has been investigating Tom Cruise for the past six years, has finally concluded that Cruise is not gay after all, stating that “There hasn’t been one piece of solid evidence to prove that he’s gay.”

Well, you know what I say to that? If Christians can continue to deny the theory of evolution despite irrefutable evidence to the contrary — than I certainly don’t have to take the word of some “private investigator” regarding Tom Cruise’s sexuality. In fact, if this Barresi guy showed me a picture of Tom ball-deep in some lady, I’d still shake my head and say, “Yep, there pounds the saddest, most pathetic closet gay I’ve ever seen.”

Closet Defined:(via Urban Dictionary) Describing an aspect that one keeps rather private or completely secret, usually due to fear of social rejection. Commonly used in reference to homosexuality, but not exclusively.