Esplode

Remember the 10th grade? And remember how English teachers would assign 700-word papers, and it felt like your head was going to esplode because you couldn’t imagine stringing together that many words? So, when you finally sat down to do it, you just began rambling — writing whatever came to mind, no matter how tedious, banal, or pointless?

Yeah, well: Imagine what would happen if Perez Hilton — who has probably never written a post on his blog more than 12 words — were asked by a major fucking newspaper to submit a 700-word piece. And after the editorial department spent the better part of a day on it, this is what remains: Listless, worthless drivel about his goddamn dog. Here’s a taste:

A lot of my friends have dogs, too, so I can’t wait to take him on play dates, but he hasn’t had his shots yet. I don’t think I’ll put him on Facebook – that’s for people with time to waste. For a treat, he likes pig’s ears. It’s kind of gross, but he’s teething and likes something to bite through. I’ve also invested in a dog trainer – it’s a must in Hollywood. The trainer says it’s important to get the dog to do things – sit, stay, fetch – and it takes a minimum of eight sessions. I’ll make the investment, of course; as many lessons as are needed. After all, my family has learnt from its mistakes. Coquito – it means Coconut in Spanish; we’re Latino – wasn’t trained, because my mom and sister bought him after I had already left to go to college in New York. I came back, and he was doing everything everywhere.

We’ve already got him some Christmas presents. My mom got him a little sweater outfit, and maybe I’ll get him a doggy massage. They’re good for humans, so why not for dogs? There are dog psychics here, too, but I think they’re a waste of money. Then there are pet cemeteries . . . I haven’t even thought about where Teddy will be laid to rest – I’ve got to talk to my mom and sister. If I move house in a couple of years, I’ll find out how to bury him properly in the backyard and have a place to remember him.

And if you made it through just those two paragraphs, you’ve got superhuman abilities to stay awake, though big ups to Perez for sneaking in a reference to attending college, because there is no way anyone would otherwise believe it from reading his article.

Esplode: A term that replaces “explode.” Based on a “King of the Hill” episode where Hank Hill must tutor a football player from the local school. In his essay about propane, the student thanks God for not being “esploded.”