Whopper

Whopper Defined: A gross or blatant lie.

After doing some crack investigative reporting, Us Weekly has uncovered some unsavory tidbits into Britney Spears’ past. As it turns out, not only does the Spears family have a history of mental illness, but Britney was hardly the chaste teen role model she was made out to be.

Lawyer Eric Ervin, who worked with Spears as a teenager, tells Us Weekly in its new cover story that the “virgin” image Spears portrayed was, in his words, a “PR blitz.” In fact, Us reports in its new issue that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.

You mean the walking fetish with the miniskirt and pigtails moaning “Oh baby baby” has actually been having sex this whole time? Well I for one, am appalled and disillusioned. See kids, this is exactly why you don’t tell lies. Somebody told the world one hell of a whopper, and now the world is paying for it as Britney Spears gradually spreads her filth and disease to all of mankind.

Ms. Whopper herself, finding more creatures to neglect at Petco last weekend.